Xena on Troll Patrol, A Story...
Xena on Troll Patrol, A Story...
.....0600hrs.......muddy trenches near MCA Headquarters....
Yiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiy!........Yiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiy!....
The Xena alarm went off waking up the troll patrol in the north sector, the patrol had been up for
several hours and were already packed and ready to roll.
Gabby kneeled and whispered loud into Xena's ear, "Xena! we're already up!"
Xena popped her blue eyes opened and said,"Ohh...I'm awake, just checking to see how everyone
would respond to the alarm......"
Unholy looked over to the treeline and whispered, "Sssshhhhhhh! there's someone coming..."
Ravenmane quickly took her position and answered, "I'll take this troll myself!"
Joxer approached her with his armor clanging and banging, he sounded so much like a soup kitchen,
"No you won't! You need a galant warrior like me to do the job..."
Ravenmane put her hand on his chest, holding the fumbling hero at bay. "Be quiet, you're ruining the
moment." Hearing footsteop, Ravenmane inched her way toward the sounds and attacked. Mrs
Parker came out of the brush with her hands up.
"Hi sweety," Mrs Parker uttered, " I'd like to be part of this Xena troll patrol.."
Xena looked at her and put her sword down. She wiped her forehead and spoke,
"Uhhh, Mrs Parker, I don't think so....you see, old bags like you belong at home, baking cookies
and cuppy cakes..."
The entire patrol spoke in unison, "Yeah....!!!"
Unholy was still studying the horizon beyond the brush, "I don't know about you guys, but I've got a
feeling we're being watched. Gabby had that worried look on her face too,
"Yeah, me too, I don't like this feeling..."
Joxer again jumps out in front and raises his sword, "Don't woory, I'll protect all of us!!!"
Suddenly a noise rose up from the surrounding brush. The patrol scattered in all directions and
bumped into one another. The sounds caught everyone by surprise and no one was ready for this
troll attack.
Then a high shrill voice pierced the air, "Hi, everyone! What's going on here, how come no one told
about this picnic, I mean after all I am in charge of something here at this forum...why is everyone
carrying weapons, Xena! Xena!" It was Jetthead, she was wearing some awful imitation leather....
Ravenmane approached her and looked her over, "It's very dangerous out here, you might get
flamed like a piece of burnt toast, you wouldn't want to lose your popularity on the forum this quick,
now would you?"
Joxer had his eyes on Jetthead and suddenly fell head over heels down a hill and landed right in front
of Jetthead...it was love at first sight...Gabby noticed the stupid look on Joxer and replied, "Looks
like Joxer has finally found someone."
Xena looked at both of them with a smirk on her face, "Yeah, and I think I know her from
somewhere, but I just can't place her..ummmm, oh well."
Ravenmane had joined them and looked at the lovebirds, "Love, who can explain it?"
Unholy still looking into the forest, "I still think we're being watched, man this is really spooky."
Ravenmane was rubbing her stomach and had wished she brought along some breakfast, "Yeah,
I've got a feeling in my gut too..."
Mrs Parker was taking off her bundle that was tied to a stick, you could've swore she looked like a
train hobo.
"Well Ravenmane, if you are hungry, I still have some Henbane cookies, here...."
Ravenmane backed away from her and said, "Mrs Parker, I'd rather nnnoo..."
Suddenly,
"GGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!
It came from the forest and soon the smell arrived like a vapor...
Xena spoke first, "I know that stench!"
Gabby: It smells like a heap of dung!"
Mrs Parker: "Why, that's horsey droppings...yes I believe that what that is..."
Joxer: "Man, it still smells bad....!"
Jetthead: "It smells like crap...!"
Unholy: "It sure smells familiar, like our dead comrade, MightyDragqueen, I mean Dragon...oops"
Ravenmane: "It smell like a freakin' zoo!!!"
The sounds of trees crashing and wood splintering became louder and louder. Then it seemed like
the forest had parted and there stood the horrible beast, the creature everyone was so horrified
of....Cyclops!
"Fiend!...Five!...Foe!...Fum!...I smell Xena, yum! yum! yummmmm!"
Everyone started to back away slowly, they were too scared to run.
Joxer had his eyes wide opened and said, "What do we do?" His sword was rattling on his armor,
Ravenmane had to hold him still.
Xena look around and then surprised everyone, "Crap! I lost my chakram!! I lost it!"
Gabby swung around and looked at Xena, "Great! Now what do we do...use harsh language?"
Xena still looking around, "It wouldn't hurt..."
Gabby dropped her jaw and screamed, "XENA!! That's not funny...we're gonna be eaten!"
Jetthead looked at Gabby and smiled, "That sounds exciting," she looked over to Joxer with
hunger...Joxer gulped twice, his adams apple going up and down.
Unholy was backing up slowly, watching the creature approached them, "This is worst than a troll,
far more worst, in fact!"
"Hmmmmmm," thought Ravenmane, using her noodle, "that's it! Fight fire with fire!!" She walked
over to Xena and Gabby, "Yip! I've got a real tall idea..." She whispered it to the patrol...
"That's a great idea, Ravenmane," Xena had a big toothy smile on her face now.
The patrol banded together for the desperate fight which could be their last heroic deed. The idea
would guarantee to blow the drawers off the Cyclops!
"Alrighty Mrs Parker, you can join us if you want to be the bravest. All you have to do is to run in
front of the Cyclops...wave your arms in a frenzy, thereby causing a diversion!!" Ravenmane had
her arms folder in front of her smiling.
Mrs Parker had a very nervous look by now, "Are you sure that's safe...I mean, I'll do it...I just
wanna make sure that its safe and...."
Ravenmane was already pushing her forward while Mrs Parker tried digging her heels.
"Of course its safe, I can guarantee that you will be coming back and joing this elite patrol..."
Ravenmane winked back at the rest of the patrol.
Xena came over and nudged Ravenmane on the ribs, "That's not safe, she'll be eaten alive!"
Ravemane smiled back, "Hehe, just consider her a budget cut...!"
Xena smiled back, "Hey, great idea, the producers will love it, the ratings should skyrocket!!"
Meanwhile, Mrs Parker ran out in front of Cyclops waving her arms wildly and attempting to eat
some of the Henbane coookies..."Here, over here, you one-eyed bastard! I'm over here...!!" The
Cyclops' single eye watched the commotion beneath him and picks up Mrs Parker. He eyed her
once and swallowed her whole, she had apparently fainted from the horrible stench coming from his
mouth. The Cyclops munched and was delighted with Mrs Parker and those horrific cookies.
"Come out Xena! Come out the rest of you, I am still hungry for some tasty morsels like
yourselves...!! Gggggrrrroooowwwwllll!!!"
He looked around and saw no one, then to his surprise, Xena and the patrol came out of the
woods. It was a wobbly, swaying human totem pole. Joxer was on the bottom, Unholy, Jetthead,
Ravenmane, Gabby and Xena standing on top of each others shoulders. Xena kept checking her
balance and managed to say, "Ha, Ha! You one-eyed loser, check us out, we're prepared to battle
you to the finish and that means death!"
Cyclops looked them over, "You guys are a tight outfit and probably tasty too!"
Xena: "You are a @#$%^&*&(!!!
Cyclops realizing how hungry, began to move forward towards the human totem pole.
Gabby was crinching from the weight on her shoulders and managed to speak, "Come on, Xena!
Do it with all your might!!"
Cyclops was approaching closer when he noticed Xena coughing uncontrollably. Ravenmane was
trying very hard to keep the weight from crushing her and blurted out, "One Cyclops, one method,
one way to die!!! Ha!ha!ha!"
Joxer was getting redfaced and squatting, the totem pole had dropped down a whole person,
"Hurry Xena! I can't hold much longer...!"
Unholy, who was on top of Joxer's shoulders replied bac, "Hey man, Just hold on, cause its either
us or the Cyclops!!"
Xena began exhaling a
loud.."HHHAAAAAWWWWWWWKKKKKWWWWOOOOEEEEYYY!!!!
Out from Xena's mouth came the biggest Lugey known to mankind!!
SSSSSSSPPPPPPPPLLLLLLLLAAAAAAATTTTTTT!!!! It landed right on the Cyclops single eye!!
"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Human spit, how grrrrroooossssss!!! Cyclops staggered,
blinded by human spit, fell forward and hit the ground like a bomb! Xena and the patrol jumped on
his back and began hacking the monster to death.
"Yiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiy!!! Yiyiyiyiyiyiyiyi!!" Xena cried out her battle cry!
Gabby was chopping away with great anger, "Aaaaaahhhhhhgggggg!!"
Jetthead was on top of his butt, "Get him, kill him...!!"
Joxer pointing his sword at the Cyclops, "Stand back, I shall slaughter this beast, take that...and
that!...."
Unholy was thumping on his back and bouncing off of him like a trampolene,
Yeeeeeaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!"
Ravenmane grabbed the Cyclops by the hair as she sat on his neck, "Yyyyiippyy, Yiii,
Yyyyyoooooo, Kkkkkkiiiiaaa, Yyeeaayyyyy!!"
Everyone stood around the Cyclops, "We killed it, we destroyed it, we're heroes!!"
Xena grabbed her sword and planted it on the ground, "Don't get too excited, there's still more trolls
out there, we need to spread out and cover some more ground."
Joxer put his arm around Jetthead and ran off behind a bush. Unholy and Gabby started to walk up
a dirt trail. Mrs Parker was a budget cut exclusive, so Ravenmane was happy about it and so were
the producers! Everyone had gone off in pairs to scout out the area for any more trolls. Ravenmane
and Xena were still around the Cyclops, hacking here and there, the Cyclops' eye was already full
of flies as it had popped out and rolled over several times. Xena walked up to Ravenmane very
seductively, looking ever so lovely into her eyes.
"Ravenmane, I've waited an eternity to be alone with you." Xena was close enough to touch her.
"Yes, Xena, I know..." Ravenmane held her breath, then took two steps backwards and drew a line
on the dirt....Xena walked off twenty-five paces and turned to face Ravenmane.
"Allright Xena, if you can spit in my eye at twenty-five paces, I'll tell you where your chakram is at."
Xena's face turned red, "Tell me now!" Ravenmane quickly responded, she didn't want Xena getting
too angry. "Okay...I'll tell you, it's at Barney's Car repair shop!"
Xena yelled back, "What's it doing there?"
Ravenmane looked up at the sky, smiling, "Barney mistook it for a broken hubcap, he's trying to
match it with a cadillac."
Xena had lost her patience and began hawking again for a big lugey. She spat out the ball of bile,
but missed Ravenmane just slightly.
Xena looked at Ravenmane, "Oh, Oh"
Ravenmane hawked up a bigger wad and spits it out like a cannoball and hit Xena right on her left
eye. Xena wipes it off and slowly approaches her opponent.
"Uhh Xena, it's just a game, I won fair and square, uhhhhhh Xena!....uhhhhh....gulp! Its just a
game....hello Xena!"
Xena was now fuming mad, her eyebrows were now bunched up and she was biting her lip,
"Yiyiiiyiyiyiyiyiyiy!.....whe I get my hand on you, I'm gonna open a whole can of whoop-ass on
youuuuu....!!!
Ravenmane went screaming down the trail, "AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!
HHHHHEEEELLLLLPPPPPl!!!!
"Yiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiy!!!!"
Xena went runnig after Ravenmane into the woods as the sun began to set...their voices and
screams trailed off and together they disappeared.
Ravenmane
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Last Updated 04-Jan-97 tony@shelbynet.net