NOTE: This script is protected by the Writer's Guild of America. Any plagiarism will result in prosecution.

See my Home Page to read my Friends spec script.


REWARD

Due to what was apparently an influx of crappy scripts, the Seinfeld producers no longer will read outside scripts. If you know someone who works on the show, and can get this script in, I will give you 25% of any fees paid to me. You can divvy this up with those who helped you as you see fit. Come on, you can do it! I know that you live next door to Jerry. If you have a shot at this, please request a paper copy of Bink through my E-Mail.
PLEASE LINK THIS SITE TO YOUR SEINFELD, FRIENDS OR RELATED PAGES.


The following script may need some changes to keep up with the storyline of the series.
Examples: Susan has been written out due to her death, but J. Peterman's status has not been
changed as I wait to see his fate on the show.


This script does not appear in proper font or format due to changes during conversion from text to html file. The paper copies of this script are properly formatted.

SEINFELD

"Bink"

Written by Bill Byrne

ACT I



FADE IN:

EXT. CITY STREET - DAY

KRAMER IS WALKING DOWN THE STREET. A MAN WALKING TOWARD KRAMER WAVES.

MAN

Kramer. Hey, Kramer.



KRAMER DOESN'T RECOGNIZE THE MAN, BUT WAVES BACK.

KRAMER

Hey, uhhhhhhh.....how ya' doin'.



AS THE MAN APPROACHES, KRAMER HOLDS OUT HIS HAND FOR A HANDSHAKE.

MAN

(TO KRAMER) Sorry Mister. I don't support vagrancy
.


THE MAN WALKS PAST KRAMER TO A SECOND MAN WHO IS WALKING BEHIND KRAMER.

SECOND MAN

Was that guy hassling you?

MAN

No, just a bum after some change. Forget about him. Let's go get a drink, Kramer.



KRAMER RECOILS WHEN HE REALIZES THAT THERE IS SOMEONE ELSE NAMED KRAMER.

CUT TO:

INT. GEORGE'S APARTMENT - DAY

GEORGE AND HIS DATE KAREN ARE ON THE COUCH. KAREN IS READING A NOVEL AND GEORGE IS READING THE COMICS. KAREN'S FOOT IS ON GEORGE'S LAP AND HE IS MASSAGING IT WITH ONE HAND. GEORGE STOPS MASSAGING, HOLDS THE HAND OUT IN FRONT OF HIM, STRETCHES HIS FINGERS OPEN AND CLOSED, AND FLEXES HIS WRIST IN AN EXAGGERATED FASHION. GEORGE GLANCES AT KAREN AND SEES THAT SHE IS STILL ENGROSSED IN HER BOOK. AGAIN GEORGE STRETCHES HIS FINGERS AND PRETENDS TO CLEAR HIS THROAT. KAREN STILL DOESN'T NOTICE SO HE CLEARS HIS THROAT LOUDER. KAREN LOOKS OVER AT HIM.

KAREN

Is everything O.K.?

GEORGE

Sure, it's just a little cramping. I think I've been massaging your foot too long.



KAREN PULLS HER FOOT OUT OF GEORGE'S LAP.

KAREN

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm really into this book and I didn't notice.

KAREN STARTS READING THE BOOK AGAIN. GEORGE LOOKS AT HER FOR A MOMENT, DISAPPOINTED THAT SHE DIDN'T OFFER TO MASSAGE HIS FOOT. HE STARTS READING THE COMICS AGAIN AND NONCHALANTLY SHIFTS HIMSELF AROUND. HE EVENTUALLY ENDS UP WITH HIS FOOT IN KAREN'S LAP. KAREN DOESN'T NOTICE. GEORGE CLEARS HIS THROAT AGAIN. KAREN STILL DOESN'T NOTICE. GEORGE CLEARS HIS THROAT EXTREMELY LOUDLY AND SHAKES HIS FOOT. KAREN LOOKS UP FROM HER BOOK.


CUT TO:INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY

ELAINE IS DRESSED FOR WORK. SHE IS ON THE COUCH AND HAS A SATCHEL IN HER LAP. JERRY IS STANDING WITH A DRINK IN HIS HAND. NOTE: ELAINE HAS THE SATCHEL WITH HER IN ALL SCENES.

JERRY

So Mr. Peterman gave you the day off just to make sure the catalog is delivered to the printer?

ELAINE

Yep, it has to be there by five, or the printer won't be able to print it until next week.

JERRY

Yeah, but why did he give you the whole day off?

ELAINE

It's a very important assignment. If I fail, this season's catalogs would be mailed a week after all the competitor's catalogs. (APATHETICALLY) It would be a financial disaster for the company.

JERRY

I see. Well, why don't you deliver it, then we can get some lunch.

ELAINE

(LAZILY) I've got all day. Let's go have lunch first, then I'll deliver it this afternoon.

JERRY SMILES KNOWINGLY.

ELAINE

What? You don't think I'm going to get it there on time, do you?

JERRY

You don't stand a chance.

ELAINE

O.K. Mr. Negative, why don't you put your money where your mouth is.

JERRY

Hundred bucks says you don't get it there by five.

ELAINE

You're on.

JERRY

So, I suppose you don't want to go to lunch now because you're heading straight to the printer.

ELAINE

No, I've got time for lunch.



JERRY SMILES, CONFIDENT THAT HE'S GOING TO WIN THE HUNDRED BUCKS.

JERRY

Sure you do.


THERE'S A QUIET KNOCK AT THE DOOR.

JERRY GOES TO THE DOOR AND OPENS IT. IT'S KRAMER, LOOKING LIFELESS. JERRY IS AMAZED.

JERRY

Kramer, you knocked! You knocked! (TO ELAINE) He knocked! (TO KRAMER) YOU! YOU KNOCKED! (JERRY IS MOMENTARILY STUNNED) I don't know whether to mark this day on my calendar as a momentous occasion or to call the police to tell them that there's a man at my door who killed my neighbor and tried to impersonate him, but gave himself away because he knocked.

KRAMER

(UPSET) I don't know, Jerry. Am I Kramer? Am I? I'm having an identity crisis.

JERRY

You don't know if you're Kramer? Come in, I'll know.



KRAMER ENTERS, WALKS TO JERRY'S FRIDGE, OPENS IT, AND STARTS PAWING THROUGH THE SHELVES.

JERRY

Oh, you're Kramer alright.

ELAINE

Why are you having an identity crisis?

KRAMER

It was awful. A man on the street yelled "Kramer", only he wasn't talking to me. (BEAT) There was another Kramer.

ELAINE

So?

KRAMER

I've always been Kramer. If anyone ever said Kramer, they were talking to me. But after today's incident, I'm not so sure. How many Cosmo Kramers could there be?

JERRY

One?

KRAMER

I don't know?! Maybe hundreds. I'm one of the masses, Jerry, one of the masses. I don't want you guys to see me like this!



KRAMER RUNS OUT THE DOOR NEAR TEARS.

ELAINE AND JERRY LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND CASUALLY SHRUG. JERRY TAKES A SWIG OF HIS DRINK, WHILE ELAINE PICKS UP A MAGAZINE AND THUMBS THROUGH THE IT.


CUT TO:INT. GEORGE'S APARTMENT - DAY

ON THE COUCH, KAREN IS STILL READING AND MASSAGING GEORGE'S FOOT. GEORGE FINISHES WITH THE COMICS, SETS THEM ON THE TABLE AND LAYS BACK TO REALLY ENJOY THE MASSAGE. KAREN STOPS MASSAGING. GEORGE LOOKS UP, SURPRISED. KAREN IS ENGROSSED IN HER NOVEL. GEORGE CAN'T BELIEVE THAT SHE IS ALREADY DONE MASSAGING.

CUT TO:INT. THE RESTAURANT - DAY

JERRY AND ELAINE ARE SEATED ON ONE OF SIDE OF THEIR BOOTH. GEORGE IS ON THE OTHER. THEY ARE EATING LUNCH.

GEORGE

So she just pulled her foot out of my lap and went back to reading her novel.

JERRY

(LOOKING STUNNED) She didn't make "the offer"?

GEORGE

No.

JERRY

You massaged her foot for half an hour and she didn't make "the offer"?!



GEORGE SHRUGS. JERRY IS DISGUSTED.

ELAINE

What do you mean by "the offer"?

JERRY

You don't know what "the offer" is?

ELAINE

No.

JERRY

Have you ever gone out with a guy who massaged your feet a lot.

ELAINE

Ummmm, yeah. Brian Trent.

JERRY

So where is this Brian Trent?

ELAINE

Oh, we haven't seen each other in years.

GEORGE

I'll bet HE dumped YOU.

ELAINE

Well, yeah.


GEORGE

And I'll bet he had some excuse, like he was moving to Australia.

ELAINE

New Zealand, how did you know?

GEORGE

(MATTER OF FACTLY TO JERRY) She never made "the offer".



JERRY NODS IN AGREEMENT.

ELAINE

I think I'm missing something here. You still haven't defined "the offer".

JERRY

Elaine, what did you do whenever Brian was done massaging your feet?

ELAINE

Oh, I don't know. Thanked him?

JERRY

Didn't you ever offer to return the favor? You know, massage his feet.

ELAINE

Maybe once or twice. (ELAINE IS HIT WITH REALIZATION AND SHOVES JERRY SO HARD THAT HE ALMOST FALLS OUT OF THE BOOTH) Get out!! You're saying that Brian pretended to move to the other side of the world just because I didn't offer to massage his feet.

GEORGE

(CHUCKLING) New Zealand.

JERRY

You see, Elaine, "the offer" is part of every foot massage.

ELAINE

You mean every single time a guy massages my feet, I have to offer a return massage?

JERRY

Of equal or greater value.

ELAINE

Even if he has hairy toes?

GEORGE

Especially if he has hairy toes. There's nothing like having the old toe hair stroked.

ELAINE AND JERRY GRIMACE WITH DISGUST.

SFX: CELLULAR PHONE RINGS

THE CELL PHONE OF THE CUSTOMER IN A NEARBY BOOTH RINGS. HE ANSWERS IT.

CUSTOMER

(LOUDLY) Hello?! Oh hey Charlie, what's up?

JERRY

So anyway George, how did you handle the situation with Karen?

GEORGE

That's the worst part. I forced my foot upon her, but she stopped massaging after only five minutes.

JERRY

Five minutes? Is that actual time or perceived time?

GEORGE

I don't follow you.

JERRY

Well, actual time is by the clock, whereas perceived time is how much time you think has elapsed.

ELAINE

(SLOWLY, REASONING OUT WHAT JERRY JUST SAID) So if you're giving a foot massage, you go by actual time because it seems so long. But if you are receiving the massage, you go by perceived time because it seems to go by so fast.

JERRY

Exactly! So George, when you said she massaged your foot for only five minutes, had you already converted to actual time?

GEORGE

Well, no. What's the conversion factor?

JERRY

Three. Actual time is three times longer than perceived time.

GEORGE

Three, huh? So if I perceived her to massage my foot for five minutes, she actually massaged it for fifteen minutes.

JERRY

Exactly!

GEORGE

But she still shorted me fifteen minutes!

JERRY

(TESTING GEORGE) Fifteen minutes actual time or perceived time?

GEORGE

(PASSING JERRY'S TEST) Actual time! She still owes me fifteen minutes of actual foot massage time.

ELAINE

Which you will perceive to be five minutes long.

JERRY

Exactly!



THE CUSTOMER ON THE CELL PHONE STARTS LAUGHING EXTREMELY LOUDLY AND OBNOXIOUSLY.

CUSTOMER

Oh, Charlie, that's a good one. You're killing me.

ELAINE

I'd like to be killing him. People with cell phones are so rude and obnoxious. Cell phones should be banned from the planet.

GEORGE

I disagree. A cell phone, if used improperly, can be a nuisance. But with proper use, a cell phone allows today's busy executive the freedom to expand the boundaries of the office past the walls, out into the city that is affected by his, or her, executive decisions.

JERRY

What, did you read that on a bathroom wall or something?

KRAMER ENTERS THE RESTAURANT, FULL OF ENERGY. HE DOES A LITTLE SPIN MOVE AS HE SLIDES INTO THE BOOTH NEXT TO GEORGE.

JERRY

Now that's more like it. That's a Kramer entrance.

KRAMER

Who, Jerry? Of whom do you speak?

JERRY

Don't tell me that you're still not sure if you're Cosmo Kramer.

KRAMER

Oh, I'm sure, Jerry. I'm down right positive. The identity crisis has been resolved and I am not Cosmo Kramer.

GEORGE

You're not?

KRAMER

Oh no. Cosmo Kramer could be anybody. He could be the guy that makes your sandwich at the deli or the guy who kicks the winning field goal in the Superbowl or the guy that hangs out on 53rd and salivates every time someone honks their horn.

JERRY

You know, I always honk when I pass that guy.



GEORGE AND ELAINE NOD TO ACKNOWLEDGE THAT THEY DO TOO.

KRAMER

Cosmo Kramer? Uh, Uh. Not for me. I need my own identity.

GEORGE

How are you going to do that?

KRAMER

By changing my name.

ELAINE

You changed your name?

KRAMER

I'm going down to the courthouse today to fill out the official paper work.

JERRY

How do you know that no one else has this new name?

KRAMER

Oh, I know, Jerry. I know.

ELAINE

O.K., so what's your new name?

KRAMER

You ready?



KRAMER PULLS A SMALL PIECE OF POSTERBOARD (3" x 5") OUT OF HIS BREAST POCKET. HE FLIPS IT OVER AND WE CAN SEE AN ENLARGED UPC SYMBOL ON IT.

KRAMER (CONT'D)

Ta Daaaaah!!



EVERYONE IS DEAD SILENT.

GEORGE

(BEAT) That looks like a UPC symbol.

KRAMER

It is a UPC symbol. I bought it at the Department of Commerce. It cost me four hundred bucks. The point is, once they assign one, they never assign it to anyone else. I'm guaranteed to have my own identity.

JERRY

That's your new name?

KRAMER

Yeah.

JERRY

A UPC symbol?

KRAMER

Uh huh.

JERRY

Your new name is a UPC symbol?

KRAMER

Bingo.

ELAINE

So are the lines like your first name and the numbers at the bottom your last name?

KRAMER

No, it's all the same. (POINTING AT LINES, THEN NUMBERS) If you run these lines over a scanner, it will give you these numbers as it's code. Grocery stores assign prices to the codes. But not this one. It will never be a price. It's my name.

JERRY

And you're happy with that particular UPC symbol?

KRAMER

Oh yeah. I think I got a good one.

ELAINE

So how do you pronounce it?

KRAMER

You don't. It's unpronounceable.

ELAINE

It's unpronounceable? We have to be able to call you something.

GEORGE

We could call you "The man formerly known as Kramer".

KRAMER

Naw, too trendy.

JERRY

Maybe we could think of a relevant nickname. (BEAT) How about Bink?

KRAMER

Bink?

JERRY

Yeah, the sound the scanner makes when you run a UPC symbol across it. Bink.

KRAMER

I don't think so Jerry. You never know how many other people are called Bink.

ELAINE

Well, all this Bink talk is fascinating, but I should take off. I want to deliver this thing so I can relax the rest of the day.

JERRY

(SARCASTICALLY) Yeah, you haven't seemed relaxed enough today.

GEORGE

Yeah, I've got to go too. I'm going to the James Bond double feature matinee at the Royal. It's only a buck.

ELAINE

Is it Sean Connery or Roger Moore?

GEORGE

One of each.

ELAINE

Oh, I can't miss that. I'm going with you.

GEORGE

Great.

ELAINE

Wait a minute! (SHE LOOKS AT JERRY, WHO HAS BEEN FOLLOWING THIS CONVERSATION WITH GREAT INTEREST. JERRY PRETENDS HE WASN'T LISTENING) What time does it get out?

GEORGE

It starts at noon, so it should be out at three thirty, quarter to four.

ELAINE

That leaves me plenty of time.

JERRY

(SMILING CONFIDENTLY) Sure it does.

KRAMER

I'll walk you out. I've got an appointment at Joe's tattoo parlor. I'm getting a tattoo of my new name.

JERRY

I'm afraid to ask where.


CUT TO:INT. JOE'S TATTOO PARLOR - DAY

JOE IS HOLDING A TATTOO NEEDLE AND LOOKING CLOSELY AT THE POSTERBOARD WITH THE UPC SYMBOL. AS JOE BENDS DOWN, WE SEE KRAMER BENT OVER A TABLE WITH HIS PANTS PULLED DOWN. JOE USES THE NEEDLE ON ONE OF KRAMERS BUTT CHEEKS. KRAMER SPASMS.

FADE OUT.

END ACT I



ACT II


FADE IN:

EXT. CITY STREET - DAY

GEORGE AND ELAINE ARE WALKING TO THE THEATER.

GEORGE

You know what really bugs me about phones?

ELAINE

What?

GEORGE

The way people answer them. They say "Hello?"

ELAINE

What's wrong with saying hello?

GEORGE

The problem is not with the word hello itself. No, the problem lies with the usage of the word. Most people answer their phones "Hello?", phrasing it as a question. They sound as if they weren't expecting anyone to be on the other end of the line. Hello is actually a greeting and should be used as such. "Hello!" That's how people should answer their phones. Friendly, yet firm. "Hello!" No hint of a question there. Definitely a greeting.

ELAINE

You know, the more time I spend listening to you and Jerry, the more I think that you both need hobbies.


GEORGE AND ELAINE ARRIVE AT THE THEATER. THE MARQUEE READS 'GOLDFINGER' AND 'THE SPY WHO LOVED ME'.

CUT TO:

INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY

JERRY IS ON THE COUCH READING.

KRAMER COMES SLIDING IN. HE IS UPSET.

JERRY

Hey (JERRY ALMOST SAYS KRAMER) Neighbor. So how'd the tattoo come out?

KRAMER RUNS IN FRONT OF JERRY, PULLS HIS PANTS DOWN AND STICKS HIS BUTT TOWARD JERRY.

JERRY

(QUICKLY LOOKS AWAY) Hey, I wanted an oral report, not visual.

KRAMER

(UPSET) You gotta look at it for me, Jerry.

JERRY

No thanks, I'm trying to quit. (JERRY SLOWLY TURNS HIS HEAD, SEES THAT KRAMER'S BUTT IS STILL THERE, AND QUICKLY TURNS HIS HEAD AWAY AGAIN) Stop pointing that thing at me.

KRAMER

You gotta check the tattoo for me. I don't think that Joe copied it right. (HE PULLS THE POSTERBOARD FROM HIS BREAST POCKET AND HANDS IT BACK TO JERRY) Check it against this.



JERRY RELUCTANTLY COMPARES THE POSTERBOARD AND KRAMER'S BUTT.

KRAMER

Well?!



POINTING WITH HIS FINGER, JERRY COUNTS THE NUMBERS ON THE POSTERBOARD, AND THEN THE NUMBERS ON THE TATTOO.

JERRY

You're right. It looks like he messed up the numbers. He's got an extra zero. (JERRY LEANS SLIGHTLY FORWARD FOR A CLOSER LOOK, AND THEN WINCES IN DISGUST) My mistake. That's not a zero.

KRAMER

The lines, Jerry, the lines! You gotta tell me if he put thick lines where the thick lines should be and thin lines where the thin lines should be. It doesn't look right to me.

JERRY

How were you able to see this?

KRAMER

I stood on a chair.

JERRY

You were able to see this by standing on a chair?

KRAMER

No, I stood on a chair and looked at it with a mirror.

JERRY

Well, there's your problem. The mirror just made it look backwards.

KRAMER

I still don't think it's right.

JERRY COMPARES AGAIN.

JERRY

It's hard to tell. They look about the same. Does it matter? It's just a bunch of lines.



KRAMER STANDS UP AND ANGRILY PULLS HIS PANTS BACK ON.

KRAMER

(ANGRILY) Just a bunch lines?! Jerry, it's my name, my identity. How would you like it if everyone misread your name and called you Jerry Steinfield.

JERRY

Most people aren't reading my name off my butt.

KRAMER

Maybe Newman's home. He'll take this seriously.



KRAMER GRABS THE POSTERBOARD AND STORMS OUT.


CUT TO:INT. OF THE MOVIE THEATER - DAY

GEORGE AND ELAINE ARE WATCHING THE MOVIE. ONLY A FEW OTHER PEOPLE ARE IN THE THEATER. 'GOLDFINGER' CAN BE HEARD IN THE BACKGROUND.

SFX: CELLULAR PHONE RINGS

A CELL PHONE RINGS AND A MAN IN THE ROW IN FRONT OF ELAINE AND GEORGE ANSWERS IT. HE STARTS TALKING QUIETLY, BUT JUST LOUD ENOUGH TO DISTURB ELAINE. ELAINE AND GEORGE LOOK AT EACH OTHER.


CUT TO:INT. OF A SMALL NEIGHBORHOOD MARKET - DAY

A CUSTOMER IS AT THE CHECKOUT COUNTER. A "BINK" CAN BE HEARD EACH TIME THE CASHIER RUNS AN ITEM ACROSS THE SCANNER.

KRAMER'S HEAD POPS UP FROM BEHIND A DISPLAY. HE APPEARS TO BE SHOPPING FOR SOMETHING, BUT KEEPS LOOKING AT THE CHECKOUT COUNTER.

CASHIER

(TO CUSTOMER) That'll be $9.75.



THE CUSTOMER HANDS THE CASHIER A TEN, PICKS UP THE BAG OF GROCERIES, AND LEAVES AFTER RECEIVING CHANGE.

KRAMER WAITS FOR THE CUSTOMER TO LEAVE, PICKS UP A JAR OF PEANUT BUTTER AND APPROACHES THE COUNTER.

KRAMER

(TRYING TO BE NONCHALANT) How ya doin' buddy? Hey, I need a jar of chunky peanut butter, but all you have on the shelf is creamy. Could you check in the back for chunky?

CASHIER

I'm pretty sure we're out of chunky.

KRAMER

Well could you check? It's real important. Matter of life or death.



THE CASHIER LOOKS AT KRAMER FOR A SECOND, SIGHS, AND LAZILY HEADS TO THE BACK OF THE STORE.

KRAMER LOOKS AROUND TO MAKE SURE THAT NO ONE ELSE IS IN THE MARKET. HE TURNS HIS BACK TO THE COUNTER, DROPS HIS PANTS TO HIS ANKLES, AND HOPS UP ON THE COUNTER. HE SHUFFLES HIS BUTT ACROSS THE SCANNER. A "BINK" IS HEARD. HE PULLS OUT THE POSTER BOARD, TURNS HIS BODY AND STARTS COMPARING THE NUMBERS ON THE POSTERBOARD TO THE NUMBERS ON THE READOUT ABOVE THE CASH REGISTER. KRAMER SQUINTS BECAUSE HE'S HAVING TROUBLE SEEING THE READOUT. HE LEANS TOWARD IT FOR A BETTER VIEW BUT ENDS UP SLIDING OFF THE BACK OF THE COUNTER TO THE FLOOR. ONLY HIS LEGS ARE STILL VISIBLE OVER THE COUNTER, STICKING STRAIGHT UP IN THE AIR, MOTIONLESS, WITH THE PANTS BUNCHED AROUND THE ANKLES.

A COP ENTERS THE MARKET, WALKS OVER TO THE COFFEE POT AND POURS A CUP OF COFFEE. THE COP GRABS A DOUGHNUT, PAUSES, GRABS TWO MORE DOUGHNUTS, THEN WALKS OVER TO THE COUNTER. THE COP STOPS WHEN HE SEES THE LEGS AND PANTS STILL STICKING UP FROM BEHIND THE COUNTER.


CUT TO:INT. OF THE MOVIE THEATER - DAY

ELAINE AND GEORGE ARE WATCHING THE MOVIE. THE MAN IS STILL TALKING ON THE PHONE.

ELAINE LEANS TOWARD HIM.

ELAINE

(WITH FALSE POLITENESS) Excuse me. Excuse me!



THE MAN STOPS TALKING AND LOOKS BACK AT ELAINE.

ELAINE

I don't mean to be rude, but my friend and I are trying to watch the movie and your phone conversation is interfering.



THE MAN LOOKS AT ELAINE AND GEORGE FOR A SECOND. GEORGE SMILES AND GIVES A POLITE WAVE. THE MAN IGNORES THEM AND GOES RIGHT BACK INTO HIS CONVERSATION. ELAINE SLOWLY LEANS BACK INTO HER CHAIR.


CUT TO:INT. OF A COURTROOM - DAY

A MAN IN HANDCUFFS IS STANDING NEXT TO AN OFFICER. THEY ARE FACING THE JUDGE. THE JUDGE SLAPS HER GAVEL DOWN HARD.

JUDGE

Next case.



THE MAN IS LED AWAY BY THE OFFICER.

THE COP FROM THE MARKET LEADS KRAMER UP IN FRONT OF THE JUDGE. KRAMER'S HANDS ARE HANDCUFFED IN FRONT OF HIM. THE JUDGE LOOKS AT KRAMER. KRAMER GIVES HER HIS SEXIEST SMILE.

JUDGE

(IGNORING KRAMER'S SMILE) What have we here, officer?

COP

Indecent exposure, your Honor. I found this man unconscious behind the counter of a convenience store. He was naked from the waist down.

KRAMER

Actually, I was wearing shoes.

COP

Also, he has been most uncooperative and refuses to tell me his name.

JUDGE

(TO KRAMER) O.K., mister. This is a hearing to decide how much bail to charge for your release. You do want to be released, don't you?



KRAMER NODS HIS HEAD.

JUDGE

Good. All you need to do is tell us your name.

KRAMER

As I was telling this officer, your Honor, I no longer go by my given name. I was going to come down to the courthouse today to change my name.

JUDGE

(LOOKS KRAMER UP AND DOWN, THEN SHAKES HER HEAD) Something tells me that we're going to be here all night if I try to do this using your old name, so let's just kill two birds with one stone. (SHE SHUFFLES THE PAPERS AROUND ON HER DESK) First I'll fill out this form to change your name, then we can use the new name to release you. (SHE PICKS UP A PEN) What's your new name?

KRAMER

Well, I can't pronounce it.

JUDGE

One of those foreign names, huh. O.K., how do you spell it?



KRAMER PATS HIS BREAST POCKET, BUT THE POSTERBOARD IS MISSING. KRAMER SPASMS AND CHECKS HIS OTHER POCKETS.

KRAMER

I must have lost my card at the market.



KRAMER TURNS HIS BACK TO THE JUDGE, PULLS HIS PANTS DOWN, AND BENDS OVER.

KRAMER

There's how you spell it, your Honor.



THE JUDGE'S EYES WIDEN IN DISBELIEF.


CUT TO:INT. OF THE MOVIE THEATER - DAY

GEORGE IS WATCHING THE MOVIE, BUT ELAINE IS TOO DISTRACTED BY THE MAN'S PHONE CONVERSATION.

ELAINE

(WHISPERING) I can't enjoy the movie with the guy talking on his cell phone.

GEORGE

(WHISPERING) I can't enjoy the movie with you talking about the guy talking on his cell phone. Come on, this is your free day off. Relax.



ELAINE SITS BACK AND TRIES TO RELAX.

AFTER ABOUT FIVE SECONDS, ELAINE CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. SHE STANDS UP.

ELAINE

(ANGRILY YELLING) O.K., that's it buster!! I've had it with people being rude with their cell phones!! I tried to be polite, but you choose to ignore me. Try ignoring this!!



ELAINE GRABS THE MAN'S CELL PHONE, TEARS IT IN HALF, TOSSES ONE HALF ACROSS THE THEATER, AND HANDS THE OTHER HALF BACK TO THE MAN.

SFX: CELLULAR PHONE RINGS

A CELL PHONE IS HEARD RINGING SOMEWHERE ELSE IN THE THEATER. ELAINE TURNS HER HEAD TOWARD IT. SHE IS FUMING.


CUT TO:INT. OF THE COURTHOUSE HALLWAY - DAY

THE COP FROM THE MARKET IS DIALING A PHONE ON THE WALL. AS HE HOLDS THE RECEIVER UP TO KRAMER'S HEAD, WE SEE THAT KRAMER IS IN A STRAIGHT JACKET.


CUT TO:INT. OF JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY

SFX: PHONE RINGS

JERRY ANSWERS THE PHONE IN HIS APARTMENT.

JERRY

Hello?



INTERCUT - KRAMER AND JERRY.


KRAMER

Jerry, it's me.



JERRY PRETENDS TO NOT RECOGNIZE THE VOICE.

JERRY

Who?

KRAMER

You know, me.

JERRY

Who is this?

KRAMER

Me, Jerry, me!

JERRY

I can't tell who this is. You'll have to say your name.

KRAMER

(BEAT) I'm your neighbor.

JERRY

It's a big building.



KRAMER AGONIZES FOR A MOMENT, THEN GIVES IN.

KRAMER

It's Kramer.

JERRY

Kramer? Hummmm...doesn't ring a bell.

KRAMER

It's me, Cosmo Kramer!

JERRY

Sorry, I don't know anyone who goes by that name. Perhaps you have the wrong number.

KRAMER

This is serious, Jerry. I'm in jail at the courthouse.

JERRY

(CONCERNED) Jail?! What'd you do?

KRAMER

Well....I really don't think I can explain it right now.
JERRY

The man with the unpronounceable name commits an unexplainable crime. Who'd have thunk it.

KRAMER

Look, Jerry. I need you to come down here and bail me out.

JERRY

How much is the bail?

KRAMER

Ten thousand dollars.
JERRY

Ten thousand dollars?!

KRAMER

The bail would have been one hundred dollars, but I showed the judge my tattoo.

JERRY

You pulled that thing out in a courtroom? I think I'm going to do the entire planet a favor and just leave you in jail.

KRAMER

There are scary men in jail, Jerry. Scary men!

JERRY

(BEAT) O.K. I'll bail you out on one condition. You have to promise not to change your name. This UPC symbol thing is going to drive everyone nuts. Do we have a deal?

KRAMER

But Jerry, it's my identity.

JERRY

I wonder if those men are hairy as well as scary.



KRAMER AGONIZES AGAIN, BUT GIVES IN.

KRAMER

O.K., deal.

JERRY

I'll be there in 15 minutes.

CUT TO:EXT. CITY STREET - DAY

GEORGE AND ELAINE ARE COMING OUT OF THE THEATER.

ELAINE

Sorry I ruined your double feature.

GEORGE

Ruined? I couldn't have enjoyed it more. The way you went after those cell phones in there. You destroyed four of them in ten minutes. I've never seen action like that in any James Bond movie. Plus we got to watch the rest of the movie in peace after you chased everyone, including the usher, out of the theater.

ELAINE

Well, I guess I should get this catalog to the printer.

GEORGE

(LOOKING AT HIS WATCH) Yeah, I should get home. It's almost five.

ELAINE

(SURPRISED) It's almost five?! I thought you said the movies would be over by four?

GEORGE

I thought they would. They must have been more than two hours each.

ELAINE

(STARTING TO PANIC) Oh, great! I'll never get there on foot and a taxi won't make it in rush hour traffic.



ELAINE GRABS GEORGE BY THE COLLAR AND STARTS SHAKING HIM.

ELAINE

What am I going to do?!



GEORGE IS HELPLESS AGAINST ELAINE'S SHAKING. HE SCANS THE AREA.

GEORGE

(POINTING DOWN THE STREET, HIS VOICE IS STRAINED FROM LACK OF OXYGEN) Elaine, look! Look!!!


ELAINE LOOKS AT WHERE GEORGE IS POINTING. SHE LOOKS RELIEVED AND RELEASES HIM. GEORGE GASPS FOR AIR. ELAINE RUNS IN THE DIRECTION GEORGE WAS POINTING, OUT OF VIEW.


CUT TO:EXT. CITY STREET - DAY (DIFFERENT STREET THAN PREVIOUS SCENE)

JERRY AND KRAMER ARE WALKING HOME FROM THE COURTHOUSE.

KRAMER

Thanks again for bailing me out, Jerry.

JERRY

Just make sure you don't leave the country. I want to get my ten thousand dollars back.

KRAMER

Oh, don't worry about that. (BEAT) You know, even though I had my new name for less than a day, I was really getting comfortable with it. I don't know if I can get used to people calling me Kramer again. Hey, there's Joe's tattoo parlor. I'm going over there to tell Joe he messed up my lines. I'm gonna get my money back.

JERRY

O.K., I'll see you back at the apartment.


KRAMER IS SHOWN FROM JERRY'S P.O.V., STARTING TO CROSS THE STREET. JERRY THEN LOOKS FURTHER DOWN THE STREET AND SEES A BICYCLIST SPEEDING TOWARDS KRAMER.

JERRY

Hey, Kramer! Kramer!!!



KRAMER IS SHOWN FROM JERRY'S P.O.V., NEARING THE CENTER OF THE STREET. HE HASN'T ADJUSTED TO BEING CALLED KRAMER AGAIN SO HE DOESN'T REALIZE THAT JERRY'S YELLING TO HIM.

JERRY

Hey you!! Uhhhh...Guy who used to be called Kramer!! Watch out for that bike!!



KRAMER NEARS THE OTHER SIDE OF THE STREET, STEPPING RIGHT INTO THE BIKE'S PATH.

JERRY

Bink!!! Look out for that bike!!! Bink!!! Binky!!!!



THE CAMERA STAYS ON JERRY AS WE HEAR THE COLLISION. JERRY WINCES.

JERRY RUNS OVER TO THE COLLISION. KRAMER AND THE BICYCLIST ARE LAYING ON THE GROUND, COVERED WITH SEVERAL HUNDRED SHEETS OF PAPER.

JERRY

(TO KRAMER) Are you alright?

KRAMER

I think I just got a matching tattoo on my other cheek.

JERRY

Couldn't you hear me yelling to look out for the bike?

KRAMER

Oh, I thought you were yelling to someone else.

JERRY

(TO THE BICYCLIST) Are you O.K.?

BICYCLIST

I think I broke my leg. That guy stepped right in front of me.



JERRY PICKS UP SEVERAL OF THE SCATTERED PAPERS AND LOOKS AT THEM.


JERRY

Hey, isn't this the J. Peterman catalog?

BICYCLIST

Yeah. We got a last minute delivery so I was really hustling. My manager will kill me if I don't get it to the printer by five.


JERRY LOOKS AT HIS WATCH, WHICH SAYS 4:55.

JERRY

And you're sure your leg is broken?

BICYCLIST

Pretty sure.



JERRY IS ELATED.

BICYCLIST

If I could call my manager, he'd have another delivery rider here in two minutes.



JERRY'S JOY IS DEFLATED WHEN HE HEARS THERE IS STILL A CHANCE TO MAKE THE DEADLINE.

BICYCLIST (CONT'D)

(TO THE CROWD THAT'S GATHERED) Does anyone have a cell phone?

JERRY SCANS THE CROWD, HOPING THAT NO ONE DOES. THE MAN FROM THE THEATER STEPS FORWARD, HOLDING OUT WHAT'S LEFT OF HIS CELL PHONE.

MAN

I'd let you use mine, but some crazed lady at the James Bond double feature tore it to pieces.
JERRY

Did you say your phone was destroyed by a crazed lady at the James Bond double feature?

MAN

Uh huh.



JERRY KNOWS THAT IT MUST HAVE BEEN ELAINE.


JERRY

(WHILE CLENCHING HIS FIST IN TRIUMPH) Yes!!!


FREEZE FRAME.

FADE OUT.


THE END



START TAG

FADE IN:

INT./EXT. KAREN'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

GEORGE IS IN THE HALLWAY. KAREN IS IN THE APARTMENT. KAREN HAS THE DOOR OPENED ABOUT TWELVE INCHES. KAREN IS WEARING A BATHROBE AND LOOKS LIKE GEORGE WOKE HER.

GEORGE

So you can see how I'd feel that I'm owed 15 more minutes of actual foot massage time. I was thinking that now would be a good time for me to collect. And because I will be receiving the massage, I will be on perceived time which is three times faster than actual time, so maybe we can use a stopwatch to make sure that you give me the full 15 minutes of actual foot massage time, which I will perceive as five minutes.



KAREN CONTINUES STARING, EMOTIONLESS, AT GEORGE. AFTER A FEW SECONDS, SHE CLOSES THE DOOR. GEORGE STANDS MOTIONLESS FOR A SECOND, THEN TRIES LOOKING IN THROUGH THE PEEPHOLE. O.C. KAREN LOCKS THE DEADBOLT AND PUTS ON THE SECURITY CHAIN.



GEORGE

(THROUGH THE DOOR) Perhaps I should get Jerry on the phone and he can explain it to you.

END TAG

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