A list of things that horse owners would like their horse to write on the blackboard 100 times...if they could get them to write!
The Bad Horsie List is an idea borrowed from the
Bad Kitty
List and
Bad Dog List. These contributions were compiled from
members of the Equine-L listserver, and from e-mail
contributions.
"I promise not to fart while my human picks my back feet out"
I will not stop and poop or urinate every time I pass the same spot in the
arena.
I will not poop over the tailgate of my horse trailer on the freeway,
embarrassing my mom no end! (How do you use a pooper-scooper on the
freeway? Sheeh!)
I CAN walk and poop at the same time. I can, I can, I can.
I will not poop on the patio while munching grass in the back
yard,with or without guests present
If I REALLY HAVE TO pee while under saddle, I will indicate by some
method other than dumping my rider.
My stall is not a litter box. When I have free access, I do *not* have to
go *back* inside to pee. There's a perfectly good paddock outside.
I will not wait for mom to comb my tail to pass lots of gas.
I won't poop during the free walk in a dressage test.
I will not poop every time I'm in the cross-ties.
I will not wait until I get in the trailer to poop.
I will not have to pee each and every time I enter a horse arena.
I will NOT, I repeat, will NOT pee in my nice clean stall with fresh
sawdust as soon as mom puts me in it, with her still standing there.
If I do, I can expect to be yelled at.
I will not spook at the sound of my own flatulence.
I will refuse to pay attention to the mare in heat in front of me ( even
though she's very blunt about saying she's interested in me)
I understand the fact that I'm a gelding and will no longer act as if I'm a
stallion.
I will not poop in the 100 gallon community water tank that I share with 2
other horses, especially after I just watched my slave scrub and refill it
with clean fresh water only minutes before.
I won't poop on Mom's head while she's putting ointment on my hocks.
I won't poop in the grooming tools bucket every single time I see it.
I will not wait 'till mommy's friend is behind me to poop.
I promise not to pass gas as my Mummy and Daddys friends are passing me
in the rear.
I will not go poop in my stall after my human has just spent 2 and a
half hours cleaning it out. I understand that there is a perfectly
accessible paddock outside.
I will not totally ignore my human when he is asking me to trot on the
longe.
I will not totally ignore my human when he asks me to walk on the longe
when I've been trotting.
I will not totally ignore my human when he asks me to trot on the longe
when I've been cantering.
I will not totally ignore the noise of the longe whip and do my own thing
on the longe.
I will listen to my human on the longe rather than see what's interesting
at the other end of the school.
I will no longer pretend that I hear a monster in the woods when my Mom
longes me, faking a runaway and then looking for a sugar cube when my Mom
says Whoa and I stop like a good girl.
I will not do Lipizzan impersonations on the longe line!!!!
I *will* not try and give Mom both barrels while she's picking up the
lunging whip.
I will not run really fast on the longe line causing myself to fall down.
While being longed, I will not reverse without my human asking me to, in
any gait!
When my human instructs me to lunge,I will not stand there staring
at her,expecting her to do it.
After I realize I'm the one who is supposed to move, I will not gallop at
her.
Jumping
I will not canter in place and hop up and down when other horses s go in
front of me, especially when jumping.
I will try to actually jump the jumps, instead of walking right through
them and destroying them
I will not leap over large non-existent obstacles when the whim strikes.
I will not jump a fence without my human friend(especially when there is
a huge mud puddle one the other side).
I will not take off for a jump ten feet away losing my rider halfway
thorugh.
I can jump over a foot in height, I can I can I can!
I WILL slow down in between jumps.
I will remember that, although I can very easily jump any fence, Kandace
cannot build it any higher than six feet. That is not meant as a
challenge to me.
I will NOT buck right before the jump so that I almost fall over and
don't have to jump it.
i do not need to jump the whole water complex....it will not hurt me
to get my feet wet
when i am doing jumping courses, it is possible for me to canter (that is
the speed between trot and gallop)
Mommy doesn't set the jumps higher than 3 feet. I do NOT have to jump them
any higher. I also do not need to gather my speed to clear that cross rail.
I will NOT decide not to jump the jump a centimeter before the jump.
If i HAVE to jump water it wont be the little itty bitty puddle (big
streams are ok to walk in)
WHOA!
I will learn to judge my stopping distances, so I don't cover
everyone in mud.
I will remember that when Heather pulls back on the reins and says "whoa,"
I can stop.
I Will Stand Still When I Am Told To! ! ! !
Pulling on the reins means stop. Pulley rein means stop NOW.
I am far from a racehorse when mama says "Slow-Down" I will.
I will not take the bit and ignore my riders command to WHOA!.
I WILL learn the word WHOA!
Unscheduled Dismounts
I will not leave when my rider falls off.
I will NOT test my riders balance by taking the bit and charging for the
fence line and then executing a perfect 180 degree turn to head for the
barn while she falls off into the fence line.
I will try to be more consistant about when I decide to try to get rid of
mom when she is riding me.
When a guest is riding me I will not buck and try to throw her off.
I will not spook and throw my rider when I see that annoying runt of a
miniature donkey in the next pasture.
I will not wait until my human has just one foot in the stirrup before I
make one magnificent leap forward, just to see if it makes her fall.
I, Duke, will not buck the six month old child off just because I'm
feeling frisky. I am 31 years old and I'm supposed to act my age.
Fox Hunting
I will not insist on being the lead horse, especially in the presence of
the Hunt Master during a hunt.
I will not refuse to go home until all the other horses have gone home
from the hunt, and my owner is so tired she falls asleep in her food,
especially at Thanksgiving and other important Holidays when the whole
family is watching.
I will not roll over in the pond during the break in Foxhunting.
General
I will try to listen when the human is on my back.
I will not fall on my forehand and act like a freight train despite the
half-halting, leg thumping rider on top of me
I am able to go 20 minutes by myself when Mom rides me, I can learn
to make it a full hour without crying. I am a big, strong, smart
horsey and Mom takes good care of me.
I will let Heather pony other horses off of me, even though I get sick of
them after a while and feel like kicking them.
I will not to buck when Heather makes me canter.
I WILL pay attention to Mom when she's ground driving me rather than
worrying about where Lady is.
I do understand that I have four feet, not just two or three, I can
learn to pick up all four of them while my human is riding me I can, I
can, I can ....
When SHE tells me to turn around and go up the fenceline we just came down,
I will *not* act like I'm drunk and can't walk a straight line.
I will not do the jig when my rider is trying to do a sitting trot.
I can stay round long enough for my mommy to praise me.
I can bend to the left.
I am not a freight train.
I will learn to enjoy riding in the pasture, even if it is boring.
I will not flip over backward when I see myself in the indoor arena's
mirror. ESPECIALLY, when mom is sitting on my back and trying to adjust
the stirrups.
I will not rear up to change directions at will.
I will not trot/canter warp nine when another horse is in front of me in
the arena.
I will not squeal and buck when I'm being saddled.
I must not try to hide in the hedge while out on a hack when it starts
to hail.
I will at least try to act like I know what I'm doing when she asks me to
come down onto the bit.
I am a big girl...I can open my mouth and sa "AAAAAAHHHHHH" for the
bit.
I am not a slug when mama says "Speed-up" I will.
Although I am old I will not act decrepid when Aunt Jenny tells me to
move.
When Auntie Jen tells me to park, she dosen't mean the car.
I will not test my riders balance by overexagerating her slight
corrections to keep me straight at a posting trot.
I will not pirouette when on the lead rope.
I will not walk on two legs when haltered(!)
I will not reach around with my head and grab the whip away from my rider
and throw it on the ground.
I will not go running to dad in the field when I have a guest on my
back. Especially when my slave has bragged bout my braking system.
On the way home from a ride, I will remember that my head is supposed to
be facing forwards. Horses were not made to trot backwards or sideways.
I CAN canter to the left, slowly and collected...(I am no longer a
racehorse, I am no longer a racehorse, I am NO longer a racehorse!)
Everytime I hear The Trainer's voice, there is no need to run for the
hills. He won't hurt me unless I'm bad.
I CAN do lead changes, I CAN do lead changes, I CAN do lead changes...
I will not try to take a bit of grass while my rider is preforming
Around-the-World causing my back to move and her to fall off.
I will not move while mommy is mounting so she looks like a complete
idiot in front of the entire barn.
I will not fall asleep while cantering in the ring, even if it is really
boring and there are no other horses to play with.
I will allow my rider to control my gait and direction, even if my buddy
is going in another direction in another gait.
it is possible for me to pay attention on a cold, windy day when i am
being ridden all alone.
I will use all 4 legs to walk, even if it is muddy out.
I will not scare my rider by tring to roll when she is not paying
enough attention.
There is no need to act like an idiot when Amy is trying to show me
off.
When we barrel race for fun, it is not nice to show that I know more
about it than my rider. Or to scare the guy trying to rake the sawdust
by charging him.
When my rider pulls me one way, she is not telling me to go the other.
I can keep one lead for more than three strides.
I will not lie down while being mounted.
I will not step into my reins.
I will choose "one" of the several ways that I know to jump a mud puddle
so that my rider will have some idea of what to expect.
I will not try to take advantage of my little riders, and I will
listen better.
I am not 100 years old, just 7, so therefore I will pick up my feet.
Airs above the ground
When being ridden bareback, I won't try to see how high I can get my bucks.
I will not buck instead when asked to canter.
I will not drop my shoulder and spin out when bucking doesn't work.
I will not buck anyone off unless they yell at me!
I will not buck just after mummy has just got on bareback causing her
to fall off onto gravel and rocks and giving her a terrible scar on her
arm.
I will not buck when my mom disciplines me for being bad.
I will not buck when Jain touches the stirrups or girth.
I will not pitch and buck when the gate opens for the steer when we are
team roping
i will not do lipizzaner impressions while my mom is trying to trot me on
the trail
I am a spotted pony and not a Lipizzan and will not act like one, even
if I am cold.
I am a Training level dressage horse. I will not do passage or airs
above the ground at this stage in my training, even when I'm really excited.
Trails
I will not roll in streams or lie down and take a nap when humans are on my
back.
I will *not* walk faster on the way home than I did on the way out.
I will not put both hind legs over a cliff causing us to almost fall
down it.
I will not sidepass across the road infront of a car and then rear up
infront of it scaring the hell out of both mummy and the car driver.
I will not canter on the spot on the way back from a trail.
I will not walk on the edge of the trail that borders the cliff.
I will not attempt to preform a Capriole every time I am asked to cross
a stream.
I will not pause in my headlong charge up/down an 85 degree hill just to
check my human's balance.
I won't lie down in the stream when I am tacked up
I will not attempt to buck mommy off just because she won't let me run
faster than the racehorse while out on a trail.
Just because I am an Arab from the desert and the only water we saw
there was the ocean does not mean that I can use that for an excuse not
to cross this little stream.
I will not do a 180 on a mountain trail that is only 3 feet wide and
almost straight down on one side
I will not pretend to just be pawing and then drop and roll in the middle
of a stream.
I will not spook when I have to cross a bridge, (with water under it), and
my human is on my back. I will always show trust in the guys that built the
bridge.
I will not jump up and down in every stream I come to making my slave
extremly wet.
I will not lie down in the grass with my rider, even if I
am shedding out and feel all itchy underneath my saddle.
Mommy is fragile, running her into trees is not a good idea, she could
get hurt.
I will not insist on leading every group of horses I may happen to pass on
the trail, embarrassing my mommy who doesn't even know thier humans.
Streams are my friends.
when on the trail, i will not pretend like i will go on one side of the
tree, and then go on the other, causing my mom to fall off.
I will not try to go over the cliff even if it is the quickest way to
the barn.
I will not try to canter through two trees that are only two feet away
from each other with mommy on me.
I promise, from now on when I am galloping in the middle of the trail I
will NOT go quick to the right and hit my mummy with that big branch ever
again.
When I am out on the trail with another horse I will not hyperventilate
because there is snow falling off the trees onto my nose
I will not hyperventilate when mummy asks me to be the lead pony (out of
two horses) for a minute
I am no longer a barrel racer, so I don't need to act like it when
being ridden along the side of a major highway.
I will not get down on my knees at every bridge I come to praying my Dad
Darrell won't make me go across.
While galloping along a forest trail, I will not test my rider's
balance by suddenly turning 90 degrees into the forest - without giving any
warning.
While galloping steadily along a forest trail, I will not perform a
stiff leg, two bounce stop giving my rider whiplash and forcing him into the
pommel of his English saddle.
I won't do flying lead changes every fifteen seconds while on the
trail just because my rider showed me how to do them and they are so much fun.
I can walk down the middle of the trail; I can: I can; I can. I
don't have to walk into the ditch on either side.
I will not sidestep while walking through a gate, forcing my rider
to become stuck on the gate and eventually fall off.
I will not refuse to go any further, and then rear when mommy
makes me.
I will not bite my shoer's butt just because it's there.
I will learn to stand up like the big 16.2 hand boy that I am, ALL
BY MYSELF, when Mike does my feet. Just say no to tranquilizers!
Lady & Kali: We will not pretend we can't hold our back feet up for the
farrier when mom knows that we can since she practices that with us a lot.
I promise not to wait until Mom needs to catch me for the farrier to show
her how much energy I have and how good I feel today.
I will not spin circles when the farrier tries to shoe me.
I will not frighten the farrier, by untying myself and nibbling his
bum.
I will not turn right around in the crossties when the
shoer is trying to shoe me, just so I can see where Mom is.
I will not fall asleep while I am getting shoes and expect Mom and the
shoer to hold me up.
I will not bite the new shoer that mom is flirting with in the butt!
I will not run from the farrier when it's my turn to be trimmed,
especially after bugging EVERYONE for attention.
I will not tell the farrier how madly in love with him I am by going into
heat every time he visits.
I will not chew on the farrier's braid when he works on my hooves.
I will not step in Neal's tool box with all his little nails for my shoes
making him & mom spend an hour picking them all up.
Random People
I will not try to mooch goodies off of every human within a one-mile
radius.
When being walked round the stable's land, I won't walk up to a jump
with a ditch then decide to jump it with human in tow.
(Wheeeeeeeeee Arggghhhhhhh!)
I promise not to moan or whine while sleeping causing everyone in the barn
to ask my human when the vet is coming
I will not, for any reason, maim any more people.
I will not accost horseless humans I meet when being ridden and demand
to be petted (even if they have both hands free).
I will not greet all new humans with my nose in their face.
I will not attack strange men or trespassers...no I take that back..
I'll do it anyway.
I will not turn around ask strange riders if they are on drugs when
they try and mount me.
I will not extend my penis to full length when being introduced to and
patted by my slaves non-horsey grandmother.
I will never, under any circumstances, cause another person to be sent to
the hospital.
We will not see how long the new barn worker's arms can stretch while
she walks us to and from pasture.
I will never try to kill daddies boss again.
When being introduced to friends, I will not sulk because they didn't
bring treats and turn my butt to them.
Just because I don't like Mom's boyfriend is no reason to politely dump
him in a pile of manure.
I will not bite my trail trainer's breast while she is petting my sister
and wearing a white shirt.
I will not chase the macho boyfriend when he comes into the paddock
to meet me.
I will NOT pull every stupid, idiot, and ridiculous stunt I have ever
heard of just for the possible new family who came out to meet me!
Slaves
I promise not to swish my tail while my human is cleaning my back
feet. I also promise not to choose that particular time to fulfill my
basic needs.
I will not chew on my human's hair while she is grooming my stall mate on
the cross ties beside my stall.
I will not attempt to bow when my left front hoof is being picked. I will
accept the fact that I will not receive a treat for bowing under these
circumstances.
"I promise not to kick frozen urine/mud into my human friend's eyes"
"I will not stand as close to the round pen as I can get and pathetically
hang my head and droop my ears while you exercise the others"
I will not bite my human.
I will not pin my ears completely flat when I want my dinner and my human
is taking her sweet time dishing it out.
I will not try to see if I can drop-kick my human the way big sis
drop-kicked me.
I will not steal mommy's carrots out of my human's back pocket.
I will not take a drink out of the bin and try to nuzzle mom in her hair
right after.
I promise to quit kicking the white car, even though secretly Mommy
encourages it.
I promise to be a good boy during my workouts so that Mommy will have
more time to study, even though I know that those books will hurt her cuz
she won't let me chew on them at all.
I will let myself get caught in the field, I will not make mommy fall down
on the ice trying to catch me
I will not blow my nose on my Mom.
I will not use my head to fling my stall door open, bashing my Mom in the
butt with it as she's leaning down to get a brush out of her grooming box.
I will not "drop down" while Mom is taking PICTURES of me!!!!
When having my feet picked out, I won't pick up the opposite one to which
my human wants.
When having my back feet picked out, I won't rest the weight of my leg
on my humans back. (Arrgh! Gerrof Gerrof)
When having my back feet picked out, I won't hop to the side using my
human to hold up the whole weight of my back end.
I will not stamp my hind feet like a little missy when my human pulls
mud off ticklish bits.
I will not push my human into the water trough while she is
bending over it scrubbing it out.
The next time my human squishes (not swats, heavens no) a fly on
my body, I will not act as though she is trying to kill me and
bolt away and break my reins (this has happened TWICE)
I will not take a bite out of my humans if they dare to ignore me.
I will not put my head on the ground when my human is reaching for my poll.
I will not get jealous when my person is riding, grooming or playing with
any other animal or person.
I will not get stressed out when Mom tries to ride me again. Next
time, I will be ready!!
I will not give Mom a big kiss after filling my mouth with water.
I will not shake my head every time mom starts clipping my bridlepath,
even though it sounds like flies buzzing around my ears.
I promise not to chase my Mom when she's in the paddock just to see her
run.
I promise faithfully not to use my rider as a rubbing post when he/she
has just dismounted, I understand it CAN be really annoying and distracting.
I will not turn my butt to Mom when she tries to catch me and put me
back in my pasture even if she is wearing a nightgown and flip-flops
and looks ridiculus.
I promise that when She is putting hoof oil on my feet that I *will* keep
them on the ground and not knee her in the face thereby damaging her
expensive eyeglasses
I will not kick at flies whilst mummy is cleaning my hooves causing
mummy concussion and sending her to hospital.
I WILL NOT lay totally flat in my stall with my eyes glazed and my legs
straight out and pretend I can't hear my owner franctically screaming "are
you asleep"
I will not try to drag my feet when coming up to the barn when my mommy
is running late.
I will not kick the barn down when I am not the first horse fed.
I will not kiss mommy after eating an apple.
I will not attempt to flatten my owner.
I will not punish my human after she has ridden another horse.
I will not beat my rider with my mounted human with my braided tail,
even when I am annoyed with her.
I will not sneeze on mom when she come to check on me before going
out to dinner.
I will not rub my neck/head on my slave so hard it knocks her over.
I will *not* wipe my sweaty frothy head on mom after we're done working.
I *will not* drag my human for 20 minutes while being hand "walked",
even if I have been on stall rest for a week.
I will not knock the carrot out of my slave's hand, and then bite her
because there's no carrot.
I will not run away from my mommy in the pasture when all she wants to do
is give me carrots.
I will accept kisses and hugs without my ears pinned back and a menacing
face.
I will not pretend that Emma's hands are a leaning pole and try to put all
500kg into them.
Although mama enjoys the affection, I do not need to hug her with a
mouth full of water and sweet-feed.
I will not pull Mom over into the mud when she gets stuck and I don't.
I will not take the carrot Mom offers me when she comes to get me, and
then walk away insouciantly. "Thanks. See ya."
I will not rub my warts off on mom's face.
I will not bite my human on the butt when she leans out of the fence to
get me some fresh delicious grass.
I will not stand out in the muddy paddock and refuse to answer my mother's
calls when I know that she doesn't want to tromp all through the mud to
catch me.
I will NOT use my mommy as a scratching post when she turns around to
close the gate, which causes mommy to fall into the fence.
I will not lurk in the hollow of the pasture where Kandace can't see me
late at night, so that after all the other horses go in, she tours the
pasture frantically calling for me and praying I haven't been hurt or
stolen.
I will not be an angel for Kandace but stomp on and slam into Ken
whenever Kandace's back is turned. Ken is my friend, too.
Mommie on board-- sliding stops and spins forbidden!
Fragile cargo--keep upright!
I will not wet my chin, just to rest it on dad's shoulder.
I will not put my hoof down the back of dad's pants.
I will not scratch dad's hair when he scratches mine... he hasn't got
much left!
I will not put my hoof on dad's lap as a shortcut to the lucerne.
I will not go running up to dad when he comes to see me when I have a guest
on my back.
I will not make equine-ecstasy/mutual-grooming faces (which embarrass my
Dad no end) while being groomed.
I will not flip over on my back, with my legs straight in the air, (from a
rearing stance), when my human jerks on my rope, because I reared up, to show
off to the mares next door. I know that this nearly caused my human to go
into cardiac arrest. I will also keep in mind, that this is not graceful,
does not impress the mares, and really makes me look like a total dork.
When my human gives me a carrot, I will keep it in my mouth, so that my
human does not have to keep picking it off the ground, and cleaning it.
I will not get crazy, and knock over the scrap metal pile, when my human is
watching a "Western movie" in the garage, and I hear a horse whinney, on the
TV.
When I am resting quietly, during a complete stop, on a public trail ride,
standing completely still, and behaving perfectly. I will NOT stay calm,
NEXT TIME, when my intoxicated master falls off my back, from drunkeness, and
ends up on the ground, unconscious, with his foot stuck in a stirrup. He
should not be riding me in that condition. The next time he does that, I
promise I WILL spook, and drag him to the nearest alcoholic rehabilitation
hospital. This is for his (and my) best interests.
I will not, right when my mom is finally getting her confidence back in me,
spook when her pony tail holder bounces on my butt!!
I will not hold my nose straight up in the air and not let mommy reach
my mouth when she tries to worm me. (Since I'm over 15 hands and mommy
is only 5"3")
I won't back Mom into the flypaper strips hanging around. She makes
funny noises when she is picking dead flies and flypaper out of her
hair.
I am big, daddy is small, I carry daddy, Daddy doesn't carry me.
I will not step on mommy's NEW boots and cut through them like a hot knife
through butter, and act like nothing happened.
When taking off my bridle I promise not to knock my mummy on the ground
while trying to itch my head on her back.
Mommy does not want my grain or hay. I do not need to bite at her when she
comes near my feed tub.
I will NOT hold the wormer in my mouth, raise my head, and spit it at
mommy!
Just 'cause Mom dosen't know what she's doing, is no excuse to try and
make her look even more stupid.
I will not get jealous when my person is riding, grooming or playing with
any other animal or person.
I will not chew on my human's suspenders when he is bending
down to feed me.
I will not willfully crush my rider's leg against the arena wall.
I will not stand on my groom.
When my slave is nice enough to give me carrots I will not spit them
out at her.
I will not hide my head in the corner of my stall when mom comes to
bridle me, because I figure that if I can't see her, she can't see me, either.
I will not stand on my human's foot just for fun.
I will not lock my knee and refuse to move while standing on my human's
foot.
I will not purposely step onto my mommy's new sunglasses just
because she dropped them.
I will not no matter how impatient I get I will not bang my head
between daddy's legs at any time, I understand that that is not a pocket and
those are not apples.
I will not get mad at mommy's little girl when she put's a hump on
back and enters me in the church christmas play, and I will also not kick the
curch to pieces because I spoked at the Christmas tree.
I will not bite the shoulder of the human standing in front of me,
just because it's there.
Like my four legged mom, my two legged mom DOES NOT like her (pony) tail
nibbled on.
I will not swat my owner in the face with my tail, even if the fly isen't
really there.
I will not whinney in my owners ear.
When Mommy is gone, it is raining and Daddy has to move me I will not
tear the lead out of his hand and head to fresh grass.
All of the Above
I, Comet, vow never again to try to bite Amy's face or lay down on the
farrier or vet when they are trying to help me.
I won't kick at the next horse and get my hind legs caught in the bars of
the fence, elevating my hind end off the ground for 2 hours and causing
panic w/ the humans (my 24 yr old mare did this, and she stood still the
entire time until the vet came and helped her off-at 6 am in the morning(he
was not a happy camper))
I will try not to run and buck while the next door neighbors are trying to
catch their horses (I felt sorry for them; they almost had one caught when
my horse bucked and ran, and then all of their horses ran! It was kind of
funny though....)
When (whomever) does a bronco routine during lessons I will *not* join in,
no matter how exciting that would be.
I will not be jealous when She gives my treats to my best friend Sassy
when I don't want to be caught. Jealousy is obviously a vice since I
always get caught.
I will not bite my mommy's hocks.
I will particularly not try to bite big sis's hocks considering that the
last time I got in that close she picked me up by the scruff of the neck and
drop-kicked me across the pasture.
I Danny, will be nicer to Joey. I won't run ahead of him into my stall
in wait to attack him while he's trying to get into his stall.
I Joey, promise not to shut Danny in his stall or poop in his hay.
I will not torture Tonka and Dazzler until they must kick me around.
I will not boss Lady around during grain time, even though the grain she
is eating is better than mine. (grain is tastier in whatever grain pail Lady is
eating out of than it is in the one Kali is eating out of) :)
I promise not to force my sister, Cinnamon, to run around the paddock when
its slippery or muddy just so I can see how good her balance is.
I will, I will, I will let Cinnamon come in the lean-to in bad weather and
not hog it all to myself.
I will NOT bite Angel's butt when she tries to come up for Mom to pet
her.
I will not try to get Razz to kick me and the board again, by biting
her in the butt until she gets fed up and tries to kick, especially
before Mom has the new board nailed up.
I will not chase the ponies into the electric fence to see if it is on.
I will not chase my friend out of the paddock causing her to jump a
fence and break another.
Horses are not chew toys, and they do not like it if you use them as
such.
I, Sultan understand that I should *not* wipe my nose on Leroy's butt,
he may not like it and that if I continue to do so, any consequences
that I suffer are my *own* fault and I should not moan and complain
about it.
I will not charge the fence every time strange horses are ridden by.
I *will* remember I'm a gelding.
I *will not* display the fact I am in season to every horse I meet.
I will not attempt to disable my "competetion" when passing on the
trail.
I will not hide behind my slave when my big brother comes over to
play rough.
No more chasing others away with my hind end, when slave is standing
there.
I will not try to take off other horse's cribbing collars, even if they
threaten me.
I *will not* attempt to steal other mare's foals, even though I love
babies.
When I am being ridden on the road past other horses in their pastures,
I will not preform the passage to impress them.
I will not go and visit the stallions at 3:00am so that they start
screaming and the barn owner has to come and catch me, and then threatens
Mom with eviction.
I will not kick nosy horses when mom is not looking.
I will not bite Sabre on the butt when its within reach over the
fence.
I will NOT pick up minis by their manes.
I will not grab queenie's sheet with my teeth at the back end and continue
to expose her. I will stop making little teeth holes in her sheets and act
like a gentleman.
I will not ignore Khalif's games most of the time and then suddenly
sneak up on him and knock him down for no reason whatsoever.
I will not make the pony stand outside all night in the rain.
I will not pull the flymask off my friend's head.
I will not prove that my friend's halter is safe for turnout by breaking
it.
I will not stand on my friend's blanket so he can slide out of it more
easily.
I will not remove the vetrap on my friend's sore leg or even think about
pulling out the stitches there.
I will not try to bolt and run with another horse while under saddle.
I will not try to communicate with other horses at the top of my lungs all
night on NATRC trail rides.
I will not attack Squirt, the Shetland pony gelding, who is only one fourth
my size, with my head and teeth, causing my human to get teeth marks, a
sprained finger, and severe rope burns, on his arms, just because I am
trying to protect my one month old foal, from other nasty mares, trying to
steal my baby. I will always consider the SIZE and GENDER of the horse or
pony, FIRST, before I attack.
I will not make loud snorts and grunts whenever Stubby, the small Hackney
pony mare, walks past my stall. I only do this, because it spooks her, and
I find delight in watching her launch into the air, (just like human boys who
put frogs in little girls dresses). I promise I will treat her the same way
I treat the "big" mares, and only sniff them.
I will share the hay with everybody. The slave puts out 4 piles, and
I don't need all of them at once.
We will not fight over the door, rearing and bucking in our stalls when our
slave is late with breakfast.
I won't flirt with all the police horses...and then sulk for a week
when I find out that they are all geldings.
I WILL NOT act like a total idiot when the only mare in the barn is in
season. Refusing to be caught, bellowing like an idiot, and trying to
mate with the mare multiple times.
I am a little pony and need to remember this before making the big
thoroughbred next door very angry.
I will NOT run after (and over my human) when my other humans horse is
being ridden out of the arena. I can go on living when she's not around!
I am NOT afraid when she's not there!!!!
I do not need to kick and buck at horses 20ft. away.
I CAN walk while the other horses in the show ring trot. Gaited horses
are NOT scary.
We WILL answer our blind friend Joshua when he is lost at the opposite
end of the pasture calling out to us frantically.
I will not eat my paddock buddy's halter, mane, tail or any other bodily part.
I will not steal Mom's crop and throw it across the aisle, causing the
horse whose stall the crop hit to have a heart attack.
When that lovely gelding from across the way comes along, I will
*not* act like a slut and work myself into a false heat.
Just because I feel good don't mean I have to chase my corral-mates
around and around at a gallop from 2 to 4 a.m., waking everybody at the stable.
I will not push my little three week old sister into the water
trough causing her to get stuck in it on her back.
I will NOT decide to play "chicken" with my baby sister, knocking
her to the ground, and knocking the wind out of me.
I will stop playing "King of the Mountain" with my sister and brother on
the saw dust pile!
I will NOT try to nurse off my four legged daddy, he does NOT
appreciate it.
I will NOT shove, kick and bite my SO just because he was
over-whelmed by a visiting mare's flirting tail. Those mares are just visitng,
I am the important one in his life, and it is NOT his fault that his brains
occassionally drop from between his ears to between his legs....!
When I play earth ball polo, I will not try to ride on the ball, I will
share it with the other horses.
I won't tease the dogs anymore, causing them to bark in the wee hours of
the morning.
I will not let that bad doggie hang off my vet-wrapped tail anymore.
Those little "dustmop dogs" that the other humans bring into the stable
are not synonymous with "demons from Hell" (Even if they are annoying, yappy
little mutts). Therefore, I do NOT need to streak out of the barn, leaving
Mom in the dust, when one of them barks at me.
I will not stomp the dog when he comes out to say hello.
I promise not to pick up my humans Pug dog by her curly tail.
The dog is not a jolly ball
Mumu the jack russel is not out to kill me there is no reason to kick at
her, bite her, or run away when she follows me.
I will not stand on the dog.
Cats
If "Big Mama" cat decides to have her latest litter of kittens in
my stall, she can do it herself; I am not required to neigh LOUDLY all
night for help; I should just watch the Miracle of Birth and them leave her
alone. (I guess Charlie was being over-protective; he and Big Mama are great
friends.)
I will not attempt to flatten the cat.
I will not blow my nose in the BarnCat's fur.
I will not show my affection for "Black Cat" by smooshing his nice, soft
body up against the wall with my head, then rubbing vigorously on him.
Black Cat does not like that, no matter how good it feels to me.
I will not stomp my hooves on small kittens, just because I they are under
me, and promise not to cause my human's friend to have to give mouth to mouth
respiration to the kitten, to revive it. I am real happy that this kitten
survived, even if it did take the kitten 6 hours to gain consciousness.
I will NOT eat the barn cats even though they deserve it because they
keep me up all night meowing.
The cat does not appreciate it when I try to scratch his belly with my
nose.
I will NOT chase the cats up a tree and not let them down.
Goats
I will make friends with the goat. But only if he stops hiding behind
the tree while I am working and She stops feeding him my treats in
front of me.
I will not chew on the goat's horns unless the goat asks me to.
I will not pick up the littlest goat by her hair and fling her across
the pasture when she tries to eat my hay outside, especially since I let
her eat my hay all the other times.
I will not torture the goat, even if he is an evil creature and really
deserves it.
Chickens and other fowl
Chickens are not for chasing.
I will not try to kill ducks, chickens, and turkeys.
I will respect the chickens' space: I will not walk through their fence
as if it wasn't there and eat their food.
I will not walk close enough to the geese that they can grab my human's
pants leg while she's leading me without a lead.
Cows
I will *not* let the calf chew on my tail. Or my mane. Or my forelock.
Or other parts of my body (our neighbor has a wierd story about this!)
I will not stick my tail thru the gate to the barn and let the calf chew
it.
If I persist in letting the calf chew on me, I will be forced to wear my
tail in the ugly tail braid that SHE does so the calf can't get at it. And if I
still let Roscoe chew on me, I'll have to suffer during fly season because
it's **My Own Darn Fault** and I should know better
Other
I will not molest the pot bellied pig and try to suck milk out of each of
piggy's nipples!
I promise never to dump the wheelbarrow of manure over while my master is
mucking my stall (my friend's horse does this all the time)
I will not dump the full manure cart all over my nice clean stall.
I will not grab my lead rope in my mouth and attempt to lead myself.
I will not follow mommy into the tack room.
If you leave the muck rake leaning against the fence, I will not pick it up
and rerake all the nice little piles. (I wish I had my camcorder...I could
have won the funniest home video contest!)
I will not ignore Mom when she tries to drive me away so she can nail
up a new board and instead bite her head and pull her hair everytime
she looks down to hammer.
I will not stick my head and neck in to a vehicle (just being friendly)
when my rider is engaged in conversation with the driver.
I will not attempt to untie, dehalter, &/or chew on another horse while
they are being tacked up.
I will step onto the mounting block along with my slave.
I will not grab the curry comb from my human and begin to brush *her*!
I won't pull all of the hay out of the feeder and dump it on the ground
before eating it
I will not immediately crib on the anti-cribbing surface that Mom just
spent 4 hours installing.
I will not go up to the newly soaped wooden ledge (favorite cribbing spot),
crib on it despite the half inch of Orvus, and then blow soap bubbles in
my clean water bucket.
I will no longer get overexcited every time the foal or the miniature
horse is led by my stall.
I promise not to chew on everything that comes within 12 inches of my
nose to see if it's dead so that Mommy won't get hurt if it attacks.
When you put a water heater in my water tub, I will NOT pull it out
and try to burn the barn down!
I will not dig my way to Australia before I roll. 8 inches of shavings
should be enough for anyone.
I will not throw my haynet over the stable wall, then complain 'cos
I can't get it back. (I've got a small holed haylage net, I'd rather
have hay on the floor)
I will not throw my rubber feed tub at my person. She says it hurts.
I will not crib the instant my cribbing collar is taken off.
I will learn to appreciate my stall, it is warm and clean and soft.
I promise not to go into my brother Stoney's stall when Mom lets me in from
the paddock just 'coz I like to see Stoney get all worked up. I know which
stall is mine and will *always* go into my stall from now on.
I will NEVER EVER EVER again squeal and pace circles in my stall when Mom
brings me in and leaves Lady outside so that Mom has to come in with the
whip and move me around until I pay attention to her instead of trying
to look out the window at Lady.
I WILL NOT jump over the door and out of my stall from a standing start,
giving everybody in the barn a heart attack.
I will not make a shot for the pasture when mom opens my stall door.
I Am NOT required to mouth everything I can find
I will not bite or kick everything within range.
I will not accost anyone carrying a: bucket, bowl, pan, sack ect. to
determine if there is anything for me in it.
I will not try to dig a hole to China in the aisle when I get restless.
I will not chew on things that don't belong to me.
I will not swat at imaginary flies.
I will not shake my head uncontrolably for no reason.
I am neither a beaver or a carpenter. I promise I won't eat or remodel
the barn or the fences.
I will not pull the Hydrant Pump out of the ground.
I will NOT chew on Mom's company.
I will not knock mom over when she brings me to my room at night.
I will not try to destroy everything in my stall. Water buckets and
grain tubs were meant to last longer than a month.
I will not soak all the shaving in my stall by rinsing my mouth and then
dropping the water everywhere.
I will not nip, shove, kick, or otherwise bodily harm my slave as she
pushes a *heavy* grain-laden wheelbarrow from the silo to the barn, NO MATTER
how hungry I think I am!
I will not be the first one in the barn, at dinner time, so I can steal a
pinch of grain from all twelve horse stalls, as I run down the aisle.
I will not fling buckets filled with water in the freshly bedded stall.
I will not rasp my teeth on the metal grille between my
stall and Belle's. I will remember that although I enjoy the incredible
reverberant noise, no one else does.
I will not put my foot in the muck bucket even if I am realllllllllllly
bored.
I am not permitted to dump my water bucket every time the head slave
(mommy calls him the barn worker) fills my bucket to the tip top.
I will not open my stall door and let myself into the barn when I need
more hay to eat.
I will not snore so loudly that I rattle the barn doors.
When feeding time is near I promise not to step on my Mummys foot and
causing her to spill my grain in the sawdust. I hate to eat sawdust.
I will NOT fill my water tub with hay and make mommy fish it out in the
middle of the winter.
I WILL NOT CHEW ON ANY WOODEN OBJECTS!
I promise not to make banging noises in the middle of the night loud
enough to be heard in the house so my mom thinks I may be cast in the
stall.
I'll try really hard to refrain from whinnying in the middle of the
night so mom thinks one of the other horses has escaped.
Horses in the stall next to mine cannot get to my food through a
wooden wall.
Mom dosen't want to model my big green goobers, especially when she's
trying to find me a Dad.
I will not use my hay for a pillow.
I will not mutilate my water buckets.
I will not drag my halter, lead and any other accessible item into my
stall just so I can play with them, and when I get bored, bury them in my
poop pile.
While mom is cleaning everyone's stalls, and I'm out playing, I will NOT
follow her, pooping in every clean stall when she has her back turned!
Just because I am now a "grown-up" girl and not a little filly, I do NOT
have to advertise my new status by completely churning my stall into a major
mess!
I will NOT untie my water bucket, dump out the water and use it as a
stall toy. (and when I get thirsty bang it agaist the stall door continuously
until I wake up my humans so they can refill it at 2 in the morning!)
I will not continue to add ventilation holes to my stall just
because another horse can watch me eat.
Turnout
I will not run over my owner when that person tries to
open my stall door and let me out. Further, I will then
only go through the gate leading to the pasture, not the one
opening into the road. I do not want my owner to resort
to putting my halter on just to turn me out, as if I were a
silly foal.
I will not jump the fence when I go out to play and Mommy doesn't stay even
though she tells me she will be ok (I worry about her).
I will not assume that because my person fits between the rails on the
post and rail fencing, I will. (This was very humiliating, I couldn't get
my head and leg back and had to wait for her to do it.)
I will let Merlot into the run-in shed in bad weather.
I will not not NOT try to open the windows to other horse's stalls when
Mom turns me out in the dry lot behind the barn while she cleans my stall.
I will not throw fits and run around and kick my heels up past the top
fence rail when Mom turns me out in the dry lot without Lady.
I will not jump over the automatic waterer in my field and run the
fenceline because I can't figure out how to get back to my pasture.
Once I get in the other field, I WILL NOT rip off all the plywood on
the back of their shed in a raging blizzard!
I will not roll *right* next to the fence so I get cast. Especially
at the far side of a muddy field when my She doesn't have her rubber
boots with her.
I will not make my slave come and get me in the mud, I will come when
called.
I will no longer kick 15' in the air when a horsefly lands on my back
(even if it is a Giant Mutant horsefly). I understand it will not carry
me off to feed to its' young.
I will not lie in the mud when I have a perfectly nice
shed with clean shavings.
I will not roll in the mud when it is thirty degrees out and come in cold.
I will not give the other slave a hard time when its time for dinner...
I will go directly to my stall and not run through the barn at warp speed
screaming my head off.
I will not roll 10 minutes before Emma gets home from school and wants to
ride out with friends.
If I have to roll I will try to do it in a nice grassy area, not in the
dustbowl bit.
We will not pretend it's just the wind when I hear dear Auntie calling
"MAGGIE!!!! STORMY!!!!"
I will not try to kick to smithereens the beautiful new trailer that Ken
and Kandace saved up a long time to buy just for me.
I will not dump the water trough daily, ecspecially when it is really hot
out.
I will never again put my dirty foot into the freshly cleaned horse trough.
I will not try to climb 5' pole fences and get my hoof caught in the hinge.
When it has been raining and the pen is very muddy I will not come
running up to my mommy when she has her hands full of hay and skid to a
stop slinging mud all over her.
I will not open the hay room door when slave has forgotten to chain and
lock it shut.
I will not destroy two so-called '' indestructable'' toy balls in 24
hours.
I will not knock down the top rail of the fence to nibble the grass on
the other side.
Grooming/Tacking Up
I will not dance in the cross-ties while mom's got her new dressage saddle
resting on my back (not yet girthed up), causing it to slip back, which
causes me to spook and dump the saddle upside down in the gravel :)
I will not turn around and threaten to bite anyone this summer when they
cinch me up, especially my favorite person or the other workers.
I will not dance around at the end of my lead rope whilst fly spray is
being applied for my own good, even though it tickles like mad.
I *will* behave when my teats are being cleaned.
I won't step in dog doo on the way to the barn to be groomed.
I will not jerk my leg back and forth making impossible to get my feet
picked.
Water/mud/flyspray will not dissolve me.
I will no longer rip the boards off the fence with my lead line when I
am tied to it and somthing spooks me.
I will not stomp my grooming box to shreds when my human takes the other
horses out and leaves me in the barn.
I will not try to lie down on the crossties.
The water you are washing me with is not going to eat me. I no longer try
to pull the barn down around my head.
I will not drop to my knees, when my human tries to pick my hooves clean,
especially, since I am nearly 1500 lbs., and my human is almost under me.
I will not break my lead rope everytime I am tied to something too solid
to break.
I will not pull solid steel window bars embedded into concrete buildings,
out of the building, when tied to them, just because there is better grass
just beyond the end of my rope, and if by accident I do happen to rip
another one of these bars out, I promise not to spook, crash through the
fence, (with the bar and frame following behind), rip open my leg,
release a dozen other horses, and nearly run my human over.
I WILL NOT PAW after I have already been yelled at, smacked, whacked
with a towel, and threatened to become glue by my human.
Even though mommy taught me this nifty trick so I will keep my head down
while on cross-ties, I am not allowed to touch the ground with my nose and
paw, getting my leg over my head.
When I am on cross ties, I can not follow mommy around the barn.
I will not jerk my head up while being clipped and knock the $5o.oo
pair of clippers out of mommy's hand.
I will not paw on the crossties while being ignored for more than two seconds.
I promise I will put up with fly spray, mane & tail conditioners, hoof
oil, coat conditioners, show polish, etc. even though I think it should smell
like mud & feces rather than purfume.
When Mommy is trying to clean my hoof I will not put all my weight
behind it and throw her forward into the fence. I must remember I weigh more
than she does and I have strong legs!!
When I see a saddle appear, backing into the corner of my stall and
holding my breath does not make me invisable.
I won't eat the grass on the other side of the fence, rubbing all of my
mane off.
"I will not attempt to pull my Mommy's mane while
she is pulling mine." (I had one that would pull on my hair while I thinned
his mane.)
I will not get mud dreadlocks in my mane which takes my human an hour
to get out.
I will not rub my face in the mud even though I like my human pulling
all the little bits of mud off with his fingers.
I will not turn my head round and lean on my human's shoulders with my
head totally blocking his vision when he brushes my neck.
I will not rub my head on my human when he is standing on a bucket
trying to get the mud out of my mane thus unbalancing him.
I will not roll in the mud every single day (when mud is available and
trust me, this spring will be a mud bath) and then rub my caked body along
the sides of my stall and feed box.
After my grey coat is sparkling white, I promise not to get green stains
up under my blanket or lay my head in poop.
I will not spen to much time being groomed or washed!(For those
horses who LOVE to be groomed and washed)
I I will not cake myself with mud, and then kick and sqeal when trying to
be groomed.
I will put my ears forward and cooperate when it comes to photos.
I will not stare into space like an air-head.
I will forgive mommy for the very bad haircut she gave me even though I
look like a freak.
I Promise not to look at my vain self in the mirrior while mommy is riding
me.
I will not rub my half of my mane out so that I look ridiculous.
I will not rub my tail the day before a show.
When my people are shooting pictures/video to show to the doctors &
insurance companies (for Theraputic Riding through a rehab hospital),
I won't "let it all hang out" and stand there flexing it up and down!
If I look like a lady I should act like a lady.
I can stop scratching my butt long enough for my tail to grow.
I will not rub my tail.
I will not cover all but the very front of my face in thick mud when
my humans have a van scheduled to transport me in their absence.
I will not ALWAYS find the MUDDIEST spot in the pasture to roll in. I
can roll in the nice grass like everyone else, I REALLY can!
When mommy trys to clip my ears, i will not put my head so high she
has to get a ladder.
When you give me feed in a tub on the ground I will NOT immediately stick
my foot in it and tumble it over.
I will not steal Her earings from Her ears and eat them!
I will learn to drink cool (and even cold) water again, once winter is
over!
I will not play rodeo horse around my morning grain bucket, stepping in it
and sending my grain flying in all directions.
I will not bang my hoof incessantly against the water trough if
the water is below what *I* think is an appropriate level. Further, I will
not protest once the water arrives by squirting out a whole gallon of the
water down my human's neck in sub-zero temperatures.
The stuff hanging off the saddle on the horse tied next to me is NOT there
for me to eat.
When I run out of water at 3 a.m., I will *not* attempt to dig a hole and
try to find water in a hole 2 ft across and 2 inches deep. After I dig that
hole, I will *not* manage to drag the water trough over to the hole in an
attempt to fill it with the nonexistent water.
I will NOT be crabby when I am fed - SHE doesn't like horses who pin their
ears, and may choose not to feed them until the ears are forward
I will NOT inhale half a bale of hay in under an hour - people see me
trying to hoover bits of hay out of the snow and think I'm neglected
If Mommy plants morning glories by the fence to look pretty, I *will not*
eat them or Mommy will put up a hot wire. (She did and I did)
I will not poke my nose under the woven wire of the to get the little
grass bits, making people think I am neglected and rubbing the hair off
my face.
The forest is not a lunchbox. I do not have to try to snatch *every*
single piece of greenery that I pass.
I will not eat hey or grass while my rider is on my back.
I WILL have good manners while treats are being fed. I WILL have
good manners while treats are being fed. I WILL have good manners. . .
I shall not bite a persons finger when being fed a treat! (EVEN if it
looks like one of the best carrotts ever!)
I will not eat hair.
I will not put my head down to eat grass while a rider(human)
is combing my mane!
I will not eat all my "hairdressers" yarn while being braided. I
understand yarn is NOT spagetti.
I will not relentlessly beg at the picnic table while my human is eating
lunch.
Cat Chow is *not* horse food.
I will not reach thru the bars(one is missing) in my stall into the pony's
stall and eat his grain.
I will not then open everybody's feed bins so my friend and I can
taste everything.
I will not leave my grain bin with leftovers, ever.
I will not bang the stall door at breakfast/supper just because I get fed
last and get the least amount of grain.
I will take down my worming paste without spitting it back in her face.
I accept that not every carrot is for me.
I will not chew the paint off mom's new truck.
I will not chew the seat out of the boat.
I will quit dribbling all my food out of my mouth so I can start
gaining weight
I will not eat the safety harness off my mistress's hard hat, causing
her to worry that I'll get an intestinal blockage.
I will not bolt toward the barn while a rider is on my back just because I
want to EAT.
I will not swallow my grain whole and then rattle my grain bucket around
in anger because everyone else still has feed left.
I will not pee on my hay when it is delivered in the pasture so that the
other horses don't eat it even though I don't want to eat it now.
Daddy's brand new red car does not taste good nor does it resemble any form
of horse food therefore I will stopping trying to eat it.
I will not eat mom's poop, when my human daddy is watching, and just about
ready for dinner.
I will NOT eat the plastic bag on my tack trunk just because I think
there must be a carrot in there somewhere that she hasn't given me.
I am not allowed to carefully select the most tasty doughnut out of the
entire box. I must wait until I am finished showing for mommy to give me
some pieces.
I will not insist on stopping to eat EVERY acorn and persimmon between
my stall and the riding arena.
Mommy's hair is not for eating!
A thumb is not a carrot.
I am not a goat, I am an horse, I will eat only horsey things.
I will not eat the plastic bag that carrots come in.
I will not grab inanimate objects with my front teeth and suck in air in
order to make rude noises in front of people.
I will not eat the intercom in the truck, crunch 200 snaps just
because I am bored.
I will not pull corner strips out of my stall and eat them,
making mom worry about the posibility of lead poisoning.
I will not EAT my owners hair scrunchie from her hair.
I will not see fingers as little, pale carrots to snack on.
I won't shy at silly things like: pieces of paper, hoses, cattle, shadows,
air, buckets, my own tail, humans, grass, or pebbles
When performing a dressage test, I will not spook at the judge sitting at C
There is no monster waiting to jump out of the wood chip pile.
I will NOT jump into the air, turn 180 degrees, and start for the barn each
time I see a deer in the woods.
There is NO monster in the corner of the school.
I will not spook more than a few inches on the way home on trail
rides, unless it is really really scarey, because I know She'll make
me go back again even though I *really* want to go home! I know I am
allowed to only look and not jump halfway across the road, but it is
so hard.
If something is really really scarey on the way home I will make sure
I spook enough to get Her off. She knows it is fear that way and if I
stand real still afterward I won't get punished for it.
I will NOT do the Arab Teleport Trick when a bad/naughty/awful Horsesaurus
Monster breathes at me.
I promise not to continually attempt to pass the guide horses on our
public trail rides. (S - All I want is to be first in the line!! :()
I will be able to be in the front of the line on a trail ride without
thinking that every bush, flower, branch, leaf, rock, etc. will jump out and
bite me!
If I *must* spook, I must do so consistently - if I'm going to spook at one
truck, SHE says I may as well do it right and spook at them all.
I Will NOT Spook when SHE brings out my nice saddle like she's done many
many times
I will not pick things up in my mouth and spook at them.
I will not jump 2 feet higher than the blue bath towel laying over
the 2 foot jump, to make it look solid !
Logs are not alligators.
Deer are not carnivorous.
I will not spook and run in to my equine compaion(s) when a deisel
vehicle passes us 70' away on the road.
I will not spook and run headlong through the arena at the marks my
own hoofs made while backing up
I will not shy when I pass by familiar objects for fun.
I must not spook at streams running *under* bridges.
I will not spook at the bucket I've passed 30 times in the last hour.
I will not shy from the tractor that sits at the end of the arena each day.
I will not freak out crossing the bridge we've crossed for 10 years...even
though I'm SURE there's a troll under it.
Parahnas do not live in fresh water - I can cross that stream.
I will not spook at any and all rocks, bushes, noises, or my good pal and
stable mate for 6 years each time my owner brings him back inside the
gate.
I will not look for the troll hiding beneath every jump. I have been
jumping an entire year now and I know he will not eat me.
Tractors in fields alongside the road do NOT jump out and eat horses.
When a rabbit jumps out from the grass directly beneath my feet, and my
slave(who is sitting on my back at the moment) expects me to spook, I will
_not_ pretend to be a hound dog and chase the rabbit.
I will forget hearing the story of the three billy goats gruff when I am
asked to cross a bridge.
I will not spook at the stream below when I am already in the middle of the
bridge sending mother into the water.
I will not act as if the cows I live next door to terrify me just because
mother is on my back.
I will not spook and get airborne when the pot-bellied pig grunts as i
ride by. (they keep picking us up on the radar at the airport)
I will remember that horses are supposed to be colorblind and stop
spooking at the color orange.
Sheep do not eat horses.
I will NOT spook at the sound of the carrot breaking as I bite into it.
It is a harmless little edible thing, and there is no need for me to rear up
and nearly give mommy a heart attack.
I must not shy from my own hoofprints in the bark arena.
The big panel won't eat me, I promise.
The hose is my friend. It cleans and fills my water tub, cools me off,
and is relatively harmless. The hose is NOT a pile of rattlesnakes and
cobras trying to kill me or Mommy. Therefore I will not run and scream
like the hounds of hell are chasing me, causing Mommy all sorts of
embarassment, and making other humans think Mommy IS trying to kill me.
The big, shiny silver tray that I won and that they tried to give to mommy
while she was on my back won't kill me -- it won't--- it won't -- it won't!!
Squirrels are more afraid of me than I am of them.
Polo wraps are there to help me -- not bite my legs off.
I don't have to climb out of my stall when the hot air balloon lands
ten feet away, Mom will protect me from the horse-eater.
The trees will not bite me, even if the wind makes the leaves yell at me!
I will not spaz every time I see the big grey horse - he is not a
ghost.
I will not spook at the sound of other horses' flatulance".
I CAN back-up all the way to the fence. It WILL NOT jump me when I'm not
looking!
The wild turkeys will NOT eat me. I do not have to spook every time I hear
them calling out back. I do NOT have to try to run away from them by going
under the fence.
The Deer in the woods next to the arena WON'T kill me!
Wind WONT make me in the "I Feel good dunudunudunt" mood!
I will not shy at the letters on the arena wall.
I will not shy at the judge's booth.
I will not sprout wings and fly sideways into the middle of the ring
with no warning when I have been trotting very nicely and calmly just a second
before.
The cow in the field is NOT a horse-eating-alien!! I can-walk-by it
without dumping mommy off!
I will not attempt to let the geldings into my arena from their
paddock or to let myself out into the driveway.
I will not "blow through" mom's electric tape cross-fence with all four
hooves off the ground so I don't get shocked.
I will not untie myself and quietly follow my person to the tack shed,
do a good imitation of a total eclipse of the door and frighten her to
death.
I will not push my way under the electric fencing. I'm too big and
it snaps.
I will not break the top fence board into pieces with long jagged
shards by kicking at Andy.
I will not jump over the remaining boards and go running past mom's
window at 8:30 at night just as she is climbing into the bathtub and
Dad is out of town. I am black and hard to see at night and Mom is
crabby when she has to jump out of the tub and grab clothes in a huury.
I will not run out AGAIN and make Mom catch me for the second time
while she is scrounging around in the dark looking for a board to fit
the fence I broke and make her say really bad words.
I will not take off and run through the fields that belong to the man
with the dobermans, which he is not afraid to turn on me.
I will not attempt to sneak out with the other horses when they are
being taken for a ride, furthermore, I will not freak out every time the
other horses get to go somewhere to ride.
I promise not to jump out any more.
I will not break out of my hot wire paddock during the night, letting my
friend out too.
I will not, when mom is leading me up to the barn from the *muddy* pasture,
wheel around, yank the leadrope out of her hands, give a little buck, gallop
back to the very end of the pasture in the muddiest spot, look at mom, and
stick my tongue out.
I will not escape from my stall in the middle of the night and
accidently let the other stallion out, especially on Christmas Eve.
II will not visit disreputable bars or nightclubs after my Mum has tucked
me into bed for the night!
I will not sneak under the electric fence during a heavy, and cold, rain
storm, and make my human have to chase me around for one and one half hours,
in tall wet grass, Until the human is soaken wet, and then sneak back into
the paddock.
I promise I will also show my human how in the heck I manage to get under
that fence, and never get shocked.
I will not spring my stable mates, leading them up the dry creek to
see what's in the subdivision in the next county.
I will not get out of my stall at midnight, go into the
shavings shed, and dig and poop in the shavings until they are a real mess. I
will not run along the fence and tease the mares until they tear boards out of
the fence trying to get at me. And when Brian comes in the morning and finds
me asleep in the middle of the driveway, I will not jump up, run in to my
stall, and look innocent.
I will not crawl under my stall guard when I am done eating grain and
consume every one elses, just becuase I am a midget Hanoverian and can do
this!!
I will not walk through my door any more.There are no more places for
screw holes.
Even though my buddy left for three days for a show, I am not allowed
to jump out of the pasture and start galloping around the 120 acre farm out
of control and screaming for her to come back.
I will not escape from my stall at shows just because I can.
Just because I'm a jumper does not mean I must jump out of my pasture.
I will not flee everytime my human picks up the whip from the
arena-floor, especially not when there is not even a whip there!
I am a pony I can not jump out of the arena there for I do not need to run
and buck going tward the barn when the gate is closed.
I will NOT use my teeth to open the top latch of my stall
door, then bang incessantly on said door with my hoof thereby causing
the lower latch to vibrate and slide open, thus releasing my naughty
self into the barn aisle where I may freely harass the others and
otherwise wreak havoc. I am not capable of being so clever.
I will not let myself out of my stall and then lock Mom in the tack
room.
I will not jump out of the dressage ring.
I will not unlatch my stall door and wander the hallway all night.
I will not break my stall latch and pull my neighboring Mares stall
gate out of the wall and procede to mate with her(all night long)
I will not pull the croos ties out of the wall and spook and make my
mommy chase me for three hours and view the damage with a look on my face like
did I do that?
I will not pretend the arena rail is a jump.
I will not pretend the pasture rail is a jump.
I will not pretend the neighbors fence is a jump.
I will not smash my human's foot when I realize there is power in the
electric fence I just walked through.
When it is pouring rain and Mom and Dad take me into the small corral
where I will be dry, I will not run out the gate when Mom takes off my
halter, forcing Dad to try and stop my by pulling on my tail!! I will be nice
and STOP!!!
I will not take mommy's bungee leadrope off the rail and hold it by the
middle and find out that if you shake it just right you can make it spin
till it makes REALLY WEIRD NOISES and if you hold it even righter you can
get the bull snap to drape over your neck so it doesn't slam you in the eye.
I will not play "chicken" with the barn when I'm out in the paddock. I now
understand that the barn will NOT move out of my way if I charge at it
causing me to hit it and knock myself out cold.
I *will not* hit my human with "friendly fire" during horse fights.
I won't paw with that front left hoof (the one where I
fractured the coffin bone)--I won't, I won't I WON"T!
I will not run up and down the arena fence line, and while whirling
around to go the other direction, I will not smack my front hoof on the
post and crack it from coronet band to sole. I will not, I will not, I
will not, oh geez... how can I hide this?... Let's go stand in the mud
really deep and maybe she won't see it...
I will not stand in the mud for hours on end making sure I get an infection
under my hoof wall and need to have Mom give me all kinds of special
attention while she soaks my foot twice a day.
I will try really hard not to have a lethal white foal this year, since it
will mean no more babies for me and I really want to have babies.
I will no longer cut my legs up on mysterious objects in the field every
time my mummy starts making me work harder and calls it an 'acheivement'.
I will not scrape my chest up on the sharp shards of wood before Mom
can saw them off.(from "Escaping"-I will not break the top fence board into
pieces with long jagged shards by kicking at Andy.)
I will not try to destroy myself regularly and mysteriously. I am a
gelding and if I permanently lame myself up, my life will come to a
quick end.
When I am sick, or having a "bad heat", I will promise not to scare the
crap out of my human, by acting like I am colicing, when my vital signs show
that I am not severely ill, especially when my human has to miss work, and a
few hours later, I am completely fine again.
I will not crowd into one stall with the other mares and in the ensueing
chaos, rear up sticking my head through the roof and my leg through the side
of the barn. Not only did I cause my mom to nearly have a heart attack, but
I had to get a bunch of stitches and I have to stay in this stupid stall
wearing this stupid bandage!
I won't stand in the middle of the road, refusing to move, while a dump
truck approaches me (My friend's POA did this, we laughed so hard! Luckily
the driver wasn't too mad)
I will not attempt to paw my way out of mom's new trailer the first time
I ride in it leaving nice dents on the outside on which the paint falls off.
I will not attempt to eat above-mentioned trailer resulting in lots of
scratches and dent marks.
I will not attempt take my own ribbons (in my mouth) at shows.
I will try to relax on the trail.
I will not bite the butt of the horse in front of me.
During a trailride, I will be good and not cause undue stress on the
horses near me from over excitement.
I will try not to prance right after I come out of the ring with a clear
round when everyone is trying to tell my Mom how well she has done.
I promise I will listen my human while out on a trail ride instead
trying to eat every blade of grass or leaves I see.
I will not rub my mane after being braided and rip out the braid;
hair and all!
I will not continuously rub my bottom on the truck causing it to bleed
and blister just before a major show.
On the night before the day of the Inspection at camp I will not cut
myself on the fence, and be disquilified.
I will not shake and toss my head when it is braiding time.
The trailer is my friend.
I *will not* pull back when tied to the trailer, because I now know that
this will overturn it.
I will not pee while waiting in the ring to have my name called to
accept my ribbon.
I will not scare the beejeezus out of Mom, Natalie and others by deciding
to "turn myself out" while attending a horse show. I apologize, but
I did think that after 3 days of no turn-out it was time for some play.
I will never , ever fall asleep in showmanship class , nor in halter ( even
though the humans got me up at the unethical hour of (gasp) 5 A.M.!)
I will never stop in trail class and poop on the tarp! Nor will I forget
what "whoa" means while sidepassing and ram my rider's knee into the
mailbox.( and she had the nerve to complain after we own the class!)
I will not become so maniacal in the show stall when Kandace leaves,
that show management considers getting a vet to shoot a tranquilizer
dart at me during the middle of the night.
I will not act so "anxious" to get into the ring that the steward stops
us at the in-gate to be sure Kandace can control me.
I will not wait until some of Kandace's favorite people are at a show,
and then revert to the most primitive horse instincts by thundering
sideways across the ring, nearly knocking down the judge in the process.
This is not how Kandace wants me to impress people.
I will walk a true straight line on the reverse walk and not take the judge
out.
No matter how hot and itchy I am, and how sandy the show ring, I know
that it is BAD to drop and roll while waiting to jump in hunter hack.
I will not try to eat parts of my costume off of my body in costume
class.
I will get into the trailer the first time I am asked, instead of
planting my feet, growing roots and assuming the facial expression of Eeyore
the mule.
I will not insist on running over the photographer when they are trying
to take my picture.
I will NOT eat the clippers when mommy is rushing to get me ready so she
can go to bed at 1:00 AM.
I can not scare the trailer by rearing at it. Hitting my head on the roof
of the trailer only hurts me.
I will not jump all over the judges during a halter class when i have to
trot! Especially when I don't do so at home!
I will NOT try to outrun the others during a Western Pleasure class!!
The judge will not kill me. The judge is my friend.
I will not eat the plastic flowers in front of the judges at 'C'.
The bell is not an alarm warning.
I will not embarrass my Auntie Jenny by refusing to park trot untill we
accept our ribbon and are leaving the ring.
The Trailer is my friend!!!
I will not lie down in the trailer.
I will not rub my braids.
I will *not* throw Mom and run bucking around the ring for ten
minutes, refusing to be caught, and making the entire show run 10 minutes
late.
I will not buck Mum off into the portable stalls.
I will walk onto the trailer without dancing.
I will NOT get bored in the trailer, and decide to start to "rock and
roll"!
My new two horse trailer is nicer than my old four horse and I can load
onto it.
I will go into the arena, even if the jumps look different.
I will not wipe my snotty nose on mom's shirt, pants, or any other piece
of clothing or body.
I will not sneeze on dad when he's wearing a nice white shirt.
I will not untie Mom's boot laces and I will not play in puddles.
I will not wipe green slime down the back of Jo's clean white shirt
I will not wipe my mouth on mom's white riding breeches after eating grass
I will not chew on my slave's helmet cover.
And I will not rub my head up and down her shirt and get green goop all
over her after I ride.
I will not eat carrots out of my humans shirt pocket
and bite "something else" instead of the carrot!!
We will not tear off each others' halter fuzzies in play and
then pass them down the shed row to our neighbors several
stalls away. Further, we will not tear off chunks of each
others' noses.
I will not take my mommy's fly mask off and stomp on it and shake it till
I've killed it and then carry it to the other end of the pasture and drop
it in the farthest, farthest corner where my human has to really hike to
get it back.
I will not remove my brand new tail bag so that my She has
to go slog through the mud again to rescue it
I will not take my stable bandages off in the night so they serve no
purpose but for pillows.
I will not try to get out of my hood.
I will not pull my fly sheet off over my head and grind it
into the dirt.
I will not pull my new shoes off the next day just to prove
I can still do it.
I will NOT pick up visitors by their shoe laces.
I will not lose my tail bag in the muddy paddock.
I will not make faces when I have my rugs put on or taken off.
When wet and muddy I will not roll before my person has removed my
rug.
When wet and muddy I will not roll when she's undone only the front
part of my rug. (the rest slides back, very uncomfortable)
I will NOT destroy every blanket I wear. I look like a hobo with my
blanket/sheet hanging in shreds on my back.
I will not slip my hood in the night and let it trail along in the dewy
grass.
I will not lose my brand new leather halter that took daddy an entire day
to make, the day after he proudly gave it to me, and lose it in a place where
it can never be found again. Next time I lose a halter, I will only lose the
cheap store bought kind, or at least put it where daddy can find it, (like in
mom's grain feeder).
I will not run away with my blanket half on when my slave ties to blanket
me.
I will not rip my brand-new blankets because I am clipped and will be
very cold without them.
I will not willfully rip the tail flap of anyone else's blanket.
I will not become hysterical if one of my blanket straps becomes undone.
I will not eat my blanket.
I will not move or wiggle while leg wraps are being applied.
I will not pee on or shread my new, expensive blanket.
These are things that the Masters (the horse) wish their Slaves (humans) to
write 100 times on the blackboard.
I will share all treats on picnic rides with my master.
I will never longe/ground drive my master again.
We will only do trail rides/picnic rides, no schooling rides.
I won't get mad when my master licks & kicks the car to 'check it out'
When we are out sightseeing & my master decides something is unsafe,
I will defer to her better judgment.
I will let my master gallop during a ride whenever she wants
I will NEVER, EVER comb or, heaven forbid, PULL my master's mane again!!!!
I will allow my master to take any jumps he wishes, whenever he wishes, at
whatever speed he wishes forever more.
When all the horses are galloping on a nature ride, I will let the Master
go so that He can WIN instead of just tying.
I will no longer post any of my master's embarrassing moments.
I will not post about my master's sensitive rear areas.
I will remember apples when it is so cold the applesauce is frozen
so that there are treats to camaflauge the Flex Free
I will only buy alfalfa hay.
Hay is a free choice item. I buy the hay for my master so my master will
now choose when she gets it.
NO MORE ORANGE SPOTS!!! I will not paint my master's body during hunting
season.
The trailer shall be well stocked with apples, carrots, a bale of hay in
the feeder, cooled running water, a large window for taking in the sights
and a large hay rack so the hay no longer is put next to me on the way
North.
I will provide my Master with a handsome companion of my choice at all
times. (Gelded, of course. Mustn't ruin my Master's figure!!)
I will provide daylight till 10 pm winter and summer so my master can get
in her long rides and won't have to drag her feet on the way back to the barn.
I will provide my Master with a halter, brand new, of her color choice, not
this blue old thing. Yuck.
I will provide my Master with a new blankie of her choice and no scolding
if she chooses to "personalize" it.
I will provide my Master with a larger grassy-er pasture.
I will provide my Master with visits to Miss Ba-Key, Miss Tashunca, and Ms Star and Sir Red upon her command.
*I* (the master) choose the trail at all times.
NO time limits on my master's trail rides. We go home when my master sez
its time to.
No more picketing at camp. My master wants to wander and socialize too.
I will provide my Master with a new horse trailer and a new truck to match. She is so embarrassed by what we have now.....
My slave will provide me (the master) with a new and beautiful pad every
day.
My Slave will no longer embarrass me and is forbidden to wear her Carharts
in public.
My Slave will no longer be handling the squirt gun in the fights, I have much better aim.
My Slave will scoop up all poops at once, as they fall. This is now her
only job in life.....Except for making new and tasty horse cookies.......
My Slave will keep my tack pristine.
My Slave will *not* wear that hideous orange vest with the reflector
strips when we are in public (she is a fashion horror!!)
I will NEVER ride my master with saddle and bridle or any kind of
restraint again."
My Slave will not make me carry that scary blue tarp around on my back any
more, even though I am used to it now.
My Slave will not stand between me and Lady so that Lady gets all of her
grain and I can't herd her back and forth from grain bucket to grain
bucket and eat more grain than her.
My Slave will not take us out to groom and work with us separately. We
want to be sure she spends the same amount of time with us both.
My Slave will remember to take me out for a good run whenever I need one.
Walking and trotting on the trail and in the ring gets boring after a while!
My Slave will keep all people who come for lessons or to go on a trail
ride from touching my face or bridling me. I am very sensitive in the face
area and only those I trust (workers) may mess with my face or bridle me.
My Slave and the other workers will not allow my main Slave to breed me to
his Paint stallion again. (I don't like being a broodmare, it ruins my figure.
My back is already starting to sway and my tummy is permanently fat! I used
to be a beautiful show horse, now look at me.)
My Slave will not let those rotten little girl scouts tape the names of my
body parts on her Master so they can learn where they are.
My Slave will take her Master out for a fun ride when she gets bored with
the walk, trot, lesson, trail routine, maybe she could even use me to catch
the other Masters if they get out this summer again (horse penning!!! :)
My Slave will not attempt to spray her Master with fly spray, give her a
bath, trim her with electric clippers, or touch her ears because she gets sick
of fighting with her and always losing.
My Slave will not make her master lead a trail ride. She doesn't like
natural objects, but cars, tractors, 4-wheelers, etc. don't bother her at all!
My Slave will fill the water trough to an appropriate level (to be
determined by the Master) at least 20 times per day. I will not wait until
my Master has to get my attention by banging his precious hoof against the
trough. Further, I will humbly accept my punishment of water slurped down my
neck if I have kept my Master waiting too long, and provide my Master with
Double Carrots for the rest of the week.
My Slave WILL share her 'Mr. Freezes' with her Master. She will also hold
the plastic and squirt it into her Master's mouth before her Master results to
knocking her over, stealing it and tearing across the paddock!
My Slave must allow me to continue grazing, even after it starts pouring
rain. We will not melt.
I promise to share my: hamburger(s), pizza, potato chips, and candy
equally with my master.
I will allow my master to enter the house (tent) whenever she wants.
I will allow my Master to whoop any farrier who hits her on the leg with
a file, before driving him/her off the property with a pitchfork. (A
former farrier of ours did this once to one of out horses, he never came
back.)
I will allow my Master to whoop any loose dog who pesters us on the
trail/road. (Dog owners: don't let your animals run loose!)
I will only tie my Master to fence *posts*, not *crossrails*.
I will find a way for the vet to preform a Coggins test without drawing
blood.
I vow to find a way to adminester shots/wormers/medications in yummy
Peanut Butter Cups.
I promise I will never have my Master palipated again.
I promise to find a way to trim my Master's feet without picking them
up.
On trail rides I promise we will take more "black raspberry breaks".
When selecting an outdoor setting for a Romantic Interlude, I/we will
not choose a spot which is in full view of the horse trails!!!
