People wearing
jockstraps tend to make it with other people wearing jockstraps. Nobody makes it with
people wearing pink bikinis.
You can have a heart
attack fucking in the whirlpool.
It is extremely
hazardous to your health to attempt to inhale poppers while under water.
Saying "I'm
resting" to everyone who seeks entry into your room defeats the purpose of going to
the baths.
If everyone who said
"I don't come here often" was telling the truth, there would be no one there.
Those who lay naked on their stomachs with their asses in
the air remind one of electric pencil sharpeners.
Conversations in the
orgy room should be kept to a minimum. Grunts, groans, notices that "I'm
coming," and invitations to do it in a room instead are acceptable; discussions of
the weather, ex-lovers, favorite lubricants, the quality of the darkness, and the pros and
cons of cockrings are not.
If you are looking for a
wonderfully spiritual union with a kindred spirit, you are in the wrong place.
Do not assume that the
guys walking into walls are on some weird new drug; most likely, they have just left their
glasses in their lockers. It is better to look good than to see good.
Once in a while, do your
good deed for the gay: let an old troll suck your cock. Such magnanimous gestures are duly
recorded by the Great Faggot in the Sky, and when you are an old troll, the favors will be
returned in kind. Yes, Virginia, that's the way it works.
Please realize that
bathrooms, even those at the tubs, do have legitimate purposes. Giving someone a blowjob
in a cubicle while outside the locked door seven guys are turning various shades of green
will not make you popular.
If you are tempted to
wear a Lacoste shirt with your towel, understand that many people would find it a capital
offense.
Finish what you start.
If you see a man in a
room with a can of Crisco, a thick belt, and a bottle of poppers neatly arrayed on the
little table, before entering, be certain you know the purpose of all three items.
When it's past the wrist
is not the time to say "no".
It's okay to bring your
own rope; it's not okay to tie yourself up.
Spending seventy-two
consecutive hours at the tubs will neither destroy your reputation nor greatly enhance it.
If you are at the baths
busily cheating on your lover, don't make a scene should you discover him there.
People who say,
"I've never done that before," should be informed that the ability to deep
throat is not genetic.
Those who lose the keys
to their rooms or lockers are never heard from again.
The law of increasing
good looks: People tend to become more attractive the longer you are there.
In the dark all cats are
gray, but ten inches is still better than six inches.
Men with small cocks can
be sexually tremendous if they are technically proficient, but men with big dicks don't
have to know a damn thing.
Doing it for England is
as valid a reason for doing it as any.
A primitive tribe in
Borneo does not have a word for "no" in its language. Natives deny sexual favors
by looking mournful and saying, "I'd like to, but I just came."
After you've been fucked
by twelve guys in the orgy room, you will never again convince anyone with your coy
routine.
Asking to borrow
someone's cockring is even more tasteless than asking to borrow someone's comb.
Law of maximum
discomfort: When they call your room number or locker number to the front desk you will
inevitably be in a position impossible to get out of quickly without seriously injuring
yourself.
You can cause a panic by
yelling, "There's a man in room 379!"
For a real hoot, go to
the baths without having used alcohol or drugs. It is truly amazing how fabulously you
will be able to make out when you are the only one there in a solid state.
Giggling is not a
correct response to, "Wanna fuck?"
If you can remember the
title of the porno movie that was showing in the "rest section", you did not
have a good time.
It is pointless to
consider why guys who won't even talk to you at the bars are so eager to suck your cock at
the baths.
Spending more than two
hours with one number at the baths makes you two "an item." More than four hours
makes you engaged. On a good night, it is possible to commit bigamy.
For some unknown reason,
it is considered embarrassing to make it with someone you already know.
No one ever believes the
line, "We're really not lovers."
At all times, remember
that tubbing is a participation, not a spectator sport.
Spending hours deciding
what to wear to the tubs is a particularly inane waste of time.
Never try to explain the
baths to heterosexuals.
Possession of more than
three bath cards makes you a serious faggot.
Georgina's law of the
weight room: People working out are doing it for your benefit, not theirs.
Formal attire means a
black jockstrap.
Contrary to popular
belief, one can indeed be too clean.
You can never be too
rich, too muscular, or have too big of a dick.
Believe it or not, it is
possible to have good sex without using poppers. A man in New Jersey claims to do it all
the time.