The No-Class Awards

You've seen the best, now here's the rest. Join us in razzing some of the year's most notably underwhelming performers.

BARON MÜNCHHAUSEN LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARD to Vice President Al Gore, who in an interview with CNN said that he "took the initiative in creating the Internet." Amazingly, Al also invented the steam engine, the incandescent light bulb, and those little clips that prevent eyeglasses from sliding off your nose.

OLIVER STONE "IN VIDEO VERITAS" AWARD to Microsoft's crack demo team, which was forced to admit that three videotapes shown at Microsoft's antitrust trial were "bollixed up." English translation: faked.

POWER SPRINGS FROM THE BARREL OF A KEYBOARD AWARD to the Chinese government, which sentenced Shanghai businessman Lin Hai to two years in jail for supplying 30,000 Chinese e-mail addresses to a U.S. online publication. The magistrates showed mercy; Lin's original sentence was two years in an AOL chat room.

THERE'S ONE BORN EVERY NANOSECOND AWARD to Intel, for slapping three (count 'em, three!!!) exclamation points after the name Pentium and expecting gullible computer users to believe the new chip was something more than a dolled-up version of the Pentium !!, er, II.

"THAT DEPENDS ON WHAT YOUR DEFINITION OF 'IS' IS" AWARD to Bill Gates. When questioned by a government attorney during the Microsoft antitrust trial about what he "would ask of Apple," Gates replied, "I have no idea what you're talking about when you say 'ask.'" Other words and idiomatic expressions not in Bill's vocabulary: "competition," "bugs," "backward-compatible," and "the product will be released on time."

CLAUDE RAINS "I AM SHOCKED, SHOCKED" AWARD to Iomega. Just as the Zip drive's Click of Death was fading from memory, Iomega had to recall 60,000 Jaz power supplies that potentially expose users to electrical shock. Hey, maybe the company should call 'em Zap drives.

SHOW ME THE MONEY AWARD to Amazon.com, for posting book "recommendations" that publishers paid for. Rumor has it that, for $20 million more, company CEO Jeff Bezos is willing to advise readers to buy the books at barnesandnoble.com.

THE MARRIAGE MADE IN HADES AWARD to AOL, which after being dogged for years by complaints about poor service, gobbled up Netscape--a company notorious for shipping software late or not at all. Finally, some real competition for Microsoft.