Warning - the following article has loads of offensive language in it. And some other notes; this article was first published in the Deakin University student magazine, Planet, of which I am an editor. Actually, only parts of it were published, due to the length of the thing.

I’m no shining wit, whoa, I’m a whining shit...

Ron Hitler Barassi of TISM talks to Adam Perrett.

1. Deakin University, and the larger scheme of things (and stuff about headjobs).

Ron - OK, Planet. What’s that?

Adam - Student magazine, Deakin Geelong.

R- Ah right, down there in Geelong. Right. I’ve gotta say, and I know it has been said before Adam, but Deakin Uni surely must be for the people who couldn’t get into a real uni. That must really shit the people at Deakin.

A- Ah...

R- You go to a party and there is all these Melbourne Uni graduates and even Monash Uni and you say ‘I’m from Deakin Uni’ and there must be that sneering sense of social superiority. ‘I’m doing agriculture at Deakin Uni’. That would fuck you around wouldn’t it?

A- Yeah, but the only thing that keeps us going is knowing that we are above La Trobe.

R- (Laughing) yeah, that’s a good point. Look, that’s the thing. I think TISM are the Deakin University of rock ‘n’ roll. You know, you’ve got your You Am I’s and you’ve got your bloody Snout’s and, now of course Sydney Uni would have to be the Dirty Three, and here we have TISM, the Deakin Uni, and La Trobe Uni, fucking hell, who would be La Trobe Uni? We’ve gotta be talking Mother Goose or something. No, I reckon your La Trobe would be Natalie Imbruglia, or whatever her name is. I tell you what, I don’t know what you guys reckon, but I’d root Natalie Imbruglia. I reckon she’s all right. She’s got that sort of waif-like childish face, you could just see her lips wrapped around your manhood without a problem, because there is no problem with fellatio, I certainly enjoy fellatio, there is a sense of not only sensual pleasure, an impaling power, and I wouldn’t mind my dick in her mouth, there is no problem there. You blokes from Deakin Uni probably don’t get your dicks sucked very often, I mean, the blokes from Sydney Uni probably have RSI of the ballbag because they have girls lapping at their genitals left right and centre, but your Natalie Imbruglia, she’d be all right I guess as far as your headjob goes.

A- Yeah, ah, um, yes. Yes, yes, um, I’m with you on that.

R - What’s wrong there? Don’t stammer, let’s all agree. I’m not putting her down, I don’t think a headjob puts a girl down, I think headjobs are very life affirming. Ron Hitler Barassi would like to say to all the readers, especially to the female readers of the Deakin Uni magazine, that a headjob is an extremely empowering for a girl, and if any of them would like to test it out on me, feel quite free.

A- Ah, I’ll issue the invitation for you.

R- The only thing I must warn them is that I am a bit of a premature ejaculator, so for a headjob for me, it’s not like your 20 minute long production like it is for the lead singer of Cordrazine or something, I betcha he could last the fucking distance, but for me, if I get lips within six and a half foot of my cock and I’m spoofing, there is no problem there. To me, a headjob, I’ll tell you, when I get a hooker to give me a headjob, she’s gotta pay me.

A- (Laughing) Yes, yes...

R- As men, as men, everything about a headjob is good, because in a lot of sexual acts there is a down side, always a part of your body that gets a bit of wear and tear, there is always give and take in sex, except for the headjob. On every level, you have got to love it, from the psychological level of power, you got to love it in the physical sense of that sensualised centralised bundle of nerve endings that is the tip of your penis getting full on 100% attention. You got to love it, your just sitting there, or lying back, and it is all happening to you. It is the smorgasbord of the sex acts, it’s not like your French restaurant where there is pleasure and pain, and it seems to take a long time and you have got to know the right things and stuff, with a headjob it is just full on snout in the trough material. Gotta love that. What’s the uni, Dookie or something, where all the farmers sons go?

A- Yeah, Dookie, just outside Shepparton.

R- Surely you have to look down on those bastards. Imagine how big One Nation would be up there in Dookie, they could start the One Nation student union up there in Dookie. Fucking farmers. Jesus Christ, I’ll tell you what, how dare they start whingeing about the aboriginals and migrants getting all the money, and the fucking farmers, I’ll tell you what, come up to the fucking city and just take the contents of my wallet you fucking wankers. Cut out the fucking middle man, what else do you fucking want?

2. One Nation, Pauline Hanson and some highly offensive and possibly defamatory comments.

A- What did you think of the Queensland election?

R- Ah, look, with Pauline Hanson, it’s too easy, it’s too easy, we all get on our uni educated latte drinking inner city groover fucking high horses you know. You, me, everyone reading this newspaper, except for the newspapers being distributed in Dookie, would surely start from the position that Pauline Hanson and the One Nation party is a repellent, retrograde, viciously wrong system of beliefs. I actually find, except for Pauline Hanson, that the rest of the people who stand at the One Nation elections, are actually quite nice people. You see them on ‘Sunday’ or on ‘60 Minutes’ or something, and they’re just duffers, they’re these old duffers who are wide eyed innocents who have woken up and realised they are in 1998 and it’s not 1958 any more, and they’re a little bit sad about it. I think One Nation is a party that is as much for duffers as it is for vicious racists, Hanson aside, you know, I’ve never met her, but you have got to be sus about Pauline Hanson, also her brains trust, your John Pascarelli or whatever his name is and that David Oldfield, they’re more threatening, but as far as the people who vote for Pauline Hanson with their zimmer frames and their old persons whingeing and their colostomy bags, it’s hard to go full throttle at them, you sort of think, ‘well, in ten years time they’re all going to be dead’.

A- That may be true. Do you buy the so-called sexuality of Pauline Hanson?

R- Ah, no, no no no. Is this a book or something?

A- You see on the TV and on radio how guys see her attractive. Do you buy that?

R- God almighty. I mean, the only person who I’d like to see give Pauline Hanson a bit of good aggressive deep dicking would be some big well-hung aboriginal tribesman who puts his didgeridoo right up there. I’d give ‘em a bloody government grant for that. That’s the ultimate, I reckon if bloody ‘60 Minutes’ or ‘Today Tonight’ want a real scoop, should fucking get a picture of Pauline Hanson getting one from some well-hung aboriginal Koori bloody master of the sex act, that would put the wind up them all. I reckon she would go for a bit of deep anal fucking, this is what Ron Hitler Barassi thinks of Pauline Hanson. She has this sort of sense of repressed pain and I just think a little bit of anal sex... none of this could be printed, so let’s stop there and move on. I could keep crapping on here, but you wouldn’t be able to use a word of it, would you?

A- Ah, probably not...

R- I think Pauline Hanson is probably very very attracted to aboriginal men, and that’s what I think she is trying to repress. I think that aboriginal men and Asian men really turn her on, in a very very deep way. People have told me that the female orgasm is seismic, it sort of comes from within, from the centre, I’ve only been told this, I’ve never seen a female orgasm, nobody I’ve ever slept with has had an orgasm, but I have been told there is a seismic convulsion to the female orgasm and I feel that when Pauline Hanson sees an aboriginal or Asian man she is deeply repressing that desire to have multiple orgasmic experiences.

A - Okay, okay...

R - Rubbish really isn’t it? We can move on, it’s only fucking Deakin Uni.

3. The media, where TISM fit in and some other insightful comments.

A- Thanks a lot for reminding me of that, I don’t feel bad enough about still being here. Ah, the album. No, better still, the media, and the advertising and this. What’s with the change?

R- Now, I’d like to pull you up on a point of order here Adam. People have somehow constructed around TISM this sense of precious avant garde musical terrorists who are in the middle of the rock industry and are mocking it with a sort of cynical self interested master plan, but that’s fucked, you know. We realise videos, we’re out there doing interviews, look, I’ll tell ya, I have no problems at all with success. If success means a large audience, I’m dying for an audience, don’t worry about that, I’m an audience slut, I have no problems with having an audience, the problem comes when you might have to dumb down to get one. None of want to dumb down to get an audience, but I don’t think releasing a video or doing an interview is necessarily dumbing down. You know, I’ve got no problem with your Dirty Three theory of rock and artistic preciousness, where you are somehow contaminated by the awful brutal glaring touch of the crowd, your own poetic flame will be blown out by the massed wings of the great unwashed... Fuck that, you know, I’m into having an audience, I want to reach out, TISM want to reach out and communicate with as many fucking people as we fucking can. Like, we were talking One Nation, I sort of reckon there is a vague One Nation analogy possible with rock music, because, I’ll tell you what, I don’t know if I’m especially stupid, but when I put on a Tricky record or a Portishead record or a fucking OK Computer and all that sort of shit, it just bores the fucking life out of me. It’s shoved down your throat, it’s like Pauline Hanson says, globalisation, you know. Someone had better fucking explain to me the fucking reason for Portishead or I’m gonna... you know, I think we should have a lot more trade barriers, but I don't think in terms of goods and services, I think more in terms of musical exports from fucking Britain. OK Computer? Fuck, if it was OK Commuter, that’ll be all right, and it’s 6.45 and we’re all at the station, it would be all right then, but what the fuck does that mean?

A- Fuck knows.

R- What the fuck was that paragraph anyway? I started at point A and went to point Z and missed everything in between.

A- Hey, I’ve got to try to write this later.

R - You got this on tape or what?

A - Yeah.

R - That’s all right then.

A - I’ll just keep rewinding and try to figure out what the hell you are saying.

R- Look, just take the consonants out. I’m far better with vowels. Just make it a vowel only interview.

4. Wheel of Fortune, back to Pauline and those farmers.

A- (Laughing) Do you like Wheel of Fortune?

R- Wheel of Fortune? That’s fucking great. It’s a fucking great society when one of your biggest cultural debates is who replaces Baby John. Not for us your debates about the state of Jewish American writing with Normal Mailer, or the reappearance of Celtic tradition society with Melvin Bragg’s new novel, nuh, for good old fucking Australia it’s who should replace Baby John. That’s what I call a cultural debate.

A - Or the controversy then Kerry Friend got the arse to bring back Adriana.

R - I don’t know, anyone who is watching television at that time of day, yeah, I think we should take a One Nation approach here, just round ‘em up and gun ‘em down. That’s what I think. Anyone who has ever watched daytime television, I think we should export them all to, I dunno, Pauline Hanson’s electorate.

A - Ron, you’re talking to Uni students.

R - That’s right, she hasn’t actually got an electorate at the moment, she’s still the member for Oxley, but they’ve changed all that shit. Yeah, she’s an easy target, Pauline Hanson. Fucking, the thing I don’t like is when your uni student groover inner city person just scoffs, that’s not gonna help anyone. I reckon we should all go to that Dookie or whatever and persuade them to, what I would like to see is a great big huge dance party out there at the Dookie campus. Wouldn’t be great all those farmers sons with their clod-hopping fucking Blundstones ratshit bowl haircuts trying to get into a dance party and they’ve all got pot bellies and all the gays pulled up from Melbourne have these impeccably chiselled pectoral chests and stuff. That would be fuckin’ ace. If I was a girl, no wonder girls like gay guys. They’re appalled at this clod-hopping bog-Irish Western suburbs farmer’s son in fucking Dookie, I’d go for gay guys too.

A - The beauty of Dookie is, and I’ve been there, is that it has a piggery next door. The place stinks.

R - (laughing) Ah, that’s fucking great to know. A piggery at Dookie.

A- It tops it off.

R - It does, doesn’t it. Fair dinkum farmers, the way they fucking whinge, I tell ya, I dunno. We’ve all got a hard life. Anyway, that’s what we think about that. Actually, personally, I think the new album is pretty good. Like it’s all right.

5. The new album, some stuff about some of the songs, and an explanation.

A - It’s all right.

R - That’s TISM’s review of the new album - it’s pretty all right. I reckon you blokes from Dookie should get out and buy it because it has a lot of three chord thrash songs. Just for the Dookie edition of your magazine, tell ‘em it’s like the latest Screaming Jets album or something.

A- Maybe with the CD-ROM you could have had more animal references or something.

R - That’s right. Just tell ‘em on the CD-ROM there are tips for pig-breeding or something.

A- That’ll start selling it. What I wanted to ask you is the last song on the album, ‘The Men’s Room’, brought back memories of ‘40 Years of Living Then Death’.

R- Yeah, I think you’ve picked up on that. Yeah, there is a certain bleak world view, both similarly written in the third person, I always thought the ‘40 Years of Living Then Death’ lyric suffered from a rather obscure confusion in some of the lines in the verse, but, ‘The Men’s Room’ yeah, I think it’s a good concept that whole, you know, you work your guts out and it’s pissed up against the wall, I do like that imagery. Your standing there at the MCG, pissing in the toilets in this line of men, 150 men in a line, pissing up against a wall, and then in 30 seconds, except for those guys who have trouble urinating in public, there’s another 150 men pissing up against the wall, and it’s hard not to think there is a certain symbolism in this one.

A- And in ‘The Parable of Glenn McGrath’s Haircut’ there is more of that, but in the first person this time.

R - Exactly right. Again, there is a very self-conscious attempt to write a parable there, in terms of the simple story alluding to things instantly recognisable amongst the audience to which it is directed. And so ‘The Parable of Glenn McGrath’s Haircut’ is an attempt to say what I think we all know, which is those kids at school which were good looking and successful, you gotta hate them. Those kids at school, the boy who first went along to the social and got the first kiss and then offered you a smell of the stinkfinger later, you’ll always smell the finger but deep down you’re thinking ‘you cunt, look where you’ve been and I’ll never get to be’, and as a premature ejaculator, it’s fucking true.

A -That’s very true. We can’t go any further without mentioning ‘I Might Be A Cunt, But I’m Not A Fucking Cunt’ and two things, Triple J not playing it, and...

R - It’s hard isn’t it? There certainly an orthodoxy at Triple J, the party line is as orthodox at Triple J as it is at Gold FM, but on the other hand, I mean, fuck me dead, you release a song called ‘I Might Be A Cunt, But I’m Not A Fucking Cunt’ and what do you expect? You can’t have your cake and eat it too. Like, they didn’t play it because of the swearing basically, and I can see it from there point of view. I actually like the song, the thing that disappoints me about some of the reaction to the song is people’s reaction was confined to ‘oh how naughty, oh those naughty boys TISM have said a naughty word, fuck, and another naughty word, cunt, and oh that’s so naughty’ and I must admit, I was sort of, and I shouldn’t have, I was disappointed with that reaction. The phrase, ‘I might be a cunt, but I’m not a fucking cunt’, I liked it, and we used it in the song, not because of it’s naughtiness, but I reckon it says something that we all know about. I haven’t said the phrase to anyone who hasn’t understood the concept, like it’s actually quite a subtle concept. You could be a cunt, the difference between being a cunt and being a fucking cunt, it’s something that’s very hard to put into words, but it’s a difference we all appreciate. That’s what I quite like. It’s the sort of phrase you here everyday, it’s worth having a song about it. So yeah, I’m disappointed not by the fact it wasn’t played on triple J, well, ‘cause fucking fair enough, you can’t put the word cunt on radio, well, you just gotta live with that, I’m disappointed in terms that people can only see it’s naughty schoolboyness. We were attempting to use the common dialect of people in the street, to sum up a term, have a good pisstake. It’s more than just naughtiness. That’s very profound isn’t it? Don’t send that up to Dookie will you, they’d feed that one to the pigs there, pigs eat your recycles newspapers.

A - Ah...

6. How to finish an interview, Moe and we’re going west.

R - Look Adam, I’ve gotta go, I’ve got another fucking interview, isn’t that shithouse. I’ve got this interview schedule here and it gives you about ten minutes to each journo and it ten minutes to stop a paragraph.

A - How many more interviews have you got to do today?

R - About fucking 400. I’ll tell ya, I’m out there selling this album like an Encyclopedia Britanica salesman.

A - What are the rest of them doing?

R - Yeah I know, they’re cunts. They’re getting their cocks sucked by young negresses, they’re in this cocaine induced orgy of sexual nirvana, while I’m here busting my balls. Sometimes I think it’s unfair.

A - I think it is to, damn them.

R - The only thing is that I cum so early, I do the interviews to recover. I’m just doing this in between ejaculations. That’s why I get so much time.

A- Fair enough, can I ask you one last thing?

R - Yep, OK.

A - The word ‘west’ as in a geographical location. Why does it suck? Like, you’ve got the western suburbs in Melbourne and Sydney, even down here, Geelong West...

R - Oh yeah, I see where you’re coming from, but it doesn’t apply to Adelaide, Brisbane not so much either, and of course, west in Perth and you’re in the drink. So, you’re right though, mind you the Western Districts goes against the trend. You go far enough west of Melbourne, you’re cooking, where as east of Melbourne, in the suburbs, you’re the sort of pencil-neck middle class private school educated turd like I am, but if you keep going, you’re in Moe, and if you’re in Moe mate, you’re fucked.

A - (laughing) Yes, especially if you’re a toddler.

R - (laughing) Ah yes, I’ll leave the rest to you, I’m not touching that one. ‘If you’re in Moe, you’re fucked’, I reckon that should be the name of someone’s autobiography. I’m sorry James, ah, I mean Adam, I’ve really got to go.

A - That’s fair enough, thanks for your time mate.

R - Good to talk to you, see ya.

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