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My New Friends
Aren’t Christians
I’ve had the same group of Christian friends
for a long time. But when I started high school, I felt like I was outgrowing
them. I was feeling more and more unhappy and depressed at not having really
good friends. Then I got involved in the school musical and made some new,
more mature friends. They make me feel good about myself, and I’m much
happier being with them. The problem is, they aren’t Christians, and
they sometimes do things they shouldn’t do, like swear. I know they’re
not helping me grow closer to God. I don’t want to cut off my new
friendships, but I don’t want to lose my relationship with God either.
What can I do?
High
school tends to be a time when old friendships change and new ones develop.
And it’s perfectly natural and normal for you to feel close to these
new friends from the musical. Because of the long hours spent in rehearsals
and the intensity of performing together, drama and music students often
become close-knit friends.
But I wouldn’t give up on your Christian friends, either. You may be
"outgrowing" a few of them, but some of them might still be a positive influence
for you. This is important, because you’re going to become like the
friends you spend the most time with. So you need to carefully watch how
your new friends are affecting you. If you find yourself starting to swear
or lose interest in your faith, you’ll obviously want to cut down on
the amount of time you spend with them. And you’ll want to increase
the time you spend with Christian friends.
Some students who participate in activities where there aren’t a lot
of Christians find it helpful to join a Christian club or fellowship group.
This kind of group helps keep them strong in their faith and holds them
accountable for their actions. Try to find that smaller group of mature
Christians who can help you grow in your faith and at the same time influence
you with positive Christian actions. I think you’ll find these mature
Christian friends are a lot of fun to be around, too.
I like this reminder from the Bible: "And whatever you do, whether in word
or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the
Father through him" (Colossians 3:17). If you’re willing to put God
first as you make decisions about your life and your lifestyle, then I think
you’ll make the right decisions about friendships. And you could even
lead some of your new friends to Christ as you live a life that honors him.
I hope you’ll do whatever it takes to keep the Lord at the center of
your life.
Mom's Too
Strict!
My mom doesn't let me do anything. I'm 17 years
old and still can't got out with my friends without permission. Although
I go to church and have not done drugs or anything too rebellious, I have
no freedom. When I try talking to her, she thinks I'm being smart. I don't
know what to do. Please help me.
You’re not alone on this one. Most 17-year-olds with caring, Christian
parents think Mom and Dad are a little too strict. In your parents’
defense, since you haven’t done drugs or been too rebellious, they probably
did something right! But what worked before isn’t working so well for
you now. The fact is, you’re at a pretty awkward stage in family
relationships--a time when you’re rapidly moving from dependence on
your parents toward much more independence. And it’s going to be tough
for everyone involved.
Here’s what I would do if I were you. I would make a "contract" with
your parents. I would state very clearly my specific desires for more
independence. Then I would write out how the contract rules would change
depending on whether or not I held up my end of the bargain.
For example, maybe your curfew is 10 p.m. and you want it to be 11. Write
on the contract that you would like your parents to move the curfew to 10:30
for a specific period of time--say the next three months. If you consistently
make it home on time, then after three months your parents move the curfew
to 11. If you fail to keep the new curfew, they move it back to 10 for three
more months. That’s the idea.
Here’s what’s great about the contract: Your actions, not your
parents’ rules, determine whether you are ready for more freedom, since
you’ll live by your wise or unwise decisions. The success or blame rests
with you. So talk to your parents about trying out this idea. It might be
just what you need.
My Friend Is
Gay
I recently faced a dilemma: A friend of mine
has come out of the closet about being a homosexual. He says he's been gay
since he was 12, and now he's almost 18. Although my friend became a Christian
five months ago, it hasn't changed his sexual orientation. My problem is,
I don't know how to approach him in a kind, loving manner and tell him what
the Bible says about homosexuality. What can I do?
You do have a difficult dilemma. Homosexuality is a very complicated and
misunderstood issue. We, as Christians, have not done a very good job of
presenting biblical truth in a kind, loving manner. Many Christians have
either made fun of homosexuals or have been mean to them. Neither of these
methods will ever bring the love of God to anyone.
The dilemma we have lies in the fact that the Bible is quite clear in regard
to sexual sin. And that’s any sexual sin--not just homosexuality. It’s
interesting that there are at least 17 references to different types of sexual
sin in the Bible, and only three (or at most five, depending on your
interpretation) of those references deal with homosexuality.
So, according to the Bible, there is no big difference between the sin of
homosexuality and any other sexual sin--premarital sex, for instance. The
word sin in Greek, the language the New Testament was written in, literally
means to "miss the mark." And all sexual sin is missing the mark of God’s
standards.
From my experience, I’d guess about 10 percent of the youth population
has struggled with what we call gender identity confusion. Your friend is
not alone in his struggles. However, I am also convinced that most people
who believe they are homosexual are not. Let me give you some important
information on homosexuality.
Sexual abuse is a key factor in homosexuality. Studies show that as many
as 58 percent of homosexuals have experienced some kind of sexual abuse as
children. Many others who call themselves homosexual were either physically
or emotionally abused. Also, many homosexuals suffer from sexual addiction.
With the ease of obtaining pornographic materials from the Internet, videos
and magazines, some people experiment with homosexual behavior because of
what they’ve seen and read.
A lot of Christians, including myself, believe that homosexual behaviors
are preventable and treatable. Many people who experiment with homosexual
behaviors are simply confused. Although the issues can be complicated, young
people who struggle with homosexuality can move on to a healthy heterosexual
marriage with the help of good Christian counseling.
I would also ask your friend to call Exodus International, a Christian
organization committed to helping free people from a homosexual lifestyle.
The telephone number of Exodus is 260-784-7799.
From my own experience talking with students, I would guess that your friend
has a great a deal of sexual identity confusion. Since your friend has recently
become a Christian, I think that if he wants to, he will be able to seek
the truth about his sexuality and receive the help he needs. Your job is
to do what you said you could do: Be kind and loving, yet share your
understanding of Scripture.
One thing we know about those who struggle with this issue is, the earlier
they can get help, the easier it is to live a lifestyle that is glorifying
to God. Please know it is never too late to get help and never too early
to make wise and godly decisions about our sexuality. I commend you for caring
for your friend in such a sensitive way.
I Don't Love My
Dad
I try hard to love my dad, but he's obese,
and I find myself getting angry at him for letting himself get like this.
When I'm in a room with him, I often leave because I can't stand to be around
him. I feel so awful, but I don't know what to do. Please help me
out.
From the intensity of your letter, I wouldn’t be surprised if, deep
down inside, you do love your dad. Yes, you resent his obesity, and you’re
incredibly angry at him. But I want to challenge you to think about your
feelings in another way. The fact is, love is probably causing you to feel
anger toward your dad. You don’t like his obesity because you’re
concerned about his health and self-image--because you want him to care more
about himself, and about you. You love him, but you don’t like his physical
condition.
I have a friend whose mom was obese. The advice I gave him is the same advice
I would give you. I suggested that he ask his mom to take a walk with him
everyday. He could get his mom out for a bit of exercise and at the same
build a positive relationship with casual conversation.
Here’s what happened: As they walked, his mom began to open up about
feeling terrible about her weight. My friend encouraged his mom to keep
exercising and eat healthier meals. But he didn’t stop there. He committed
to doing this with her. Together, they set a workable goal to eat right and
exercise daily. They kept each other accountable and rewarded themselves
after a month of exercise and better eating.
Following this plan produced some great results for both my friend and his
mom. First, my friend and his mom had better communication on those walks.
He saw a sensitive side to her that he rarely experienced. Second, his mom
lost some weight and began to feel better about herself. Later she found
out she had an eating disorder called "compulsive eating." She would eat
when she was depressed, which was almost all the time. Third, my friend shed
a few excess pounds himself.
I hope you will follow my friend’s actions and love your dad toward
health. You may be surprised at how willing he is to respond to your love.
And one last thing: Don’t forget to pray daily for your dad. His obesity
is probably either a true hormonal imbalance or a deep emotional, psychological
and spiritual problem. He needs your love and your prayers.
Due to the volume of mail, Jim cannot answer every letter. Questions you
would like considered for this column should be sent to: "Let's Talk,"
Campus Life, 465 Gundersen Drive, Carol Stream, IL 60188. You can also
reach "Let’s Talk" via fax (630-260-0114) or e-mail
(CLedit@aol.com). Find more
"Let’s Talk" online at
www.campuslife.net.
Copyright © 1999 by the author or Christianity Today, Inc./Campus
Life magazine. Click here
for reprint information on Campus Life.
September/October 1999, Vol. 58, No. 2, Page 18
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