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what People Are Saying! (part 1)
what People Are Saying! (part 2)
People Love Me!
and Press! (seldom updated, regardless of awards I get)
for the Cat Scan Contest in MSNBC's "Nutty Net!"
Well, okay, we're not on their list yet, but you can write the Cat
Scan Contest in!
If we get on there I'll post more stupid hate mail!
(nothing wrong with bribing, eh?)
An anti-cat scan website has been set up by opposing forces!
There is a vote going
on right now.
Support the Cat Scan baby!
Some more Hate Mail posted for you. Enjoy.
FYI, my mailing list gets information on the next contest before anyone
else, in addition to all sorts of cute cat related jokes.
In other CliffyB related
news, I've launched my next grand experiment "Tales
from the Hellmouth." Check it out, and if you dig it, spread the word.
It shall be interesting to see what kinds of stories I can acquire and
Oh, and go see Blair Witch.
It fucking rocks.
Look, I'm trying to be nice here.
Please, don't send me your files. Don't send me "early entries" for
Cat Scan 2. I'll just delete them.
The fucking contest is over. Get it though your thick skulls, Wal
Mart shoppers.Thank you, drive through.
I have created a Cat Scan mailing list. You'll hear
when the site is updated, and you'll get inside information about when
the next Cat Scan contest is, as well as information on my other upcoming
website(s.) I have to let you know that before Cat-Scan 2 comes out, Hellmouth
will be going live. Yes, Hellmouth is the next big thing from yours truly.
The website will feature tales of abuse that people have or are enduring
in school, by peers and/or administrators. If you would like to get a submission
in early (for HELLMOUTH, not Cat Scan 2) please email
it to me.
I just had to update to report how dumb LinkExchange Fastcounter
is. Check out the weekly stats for hits they emailed me this week:
Jun 1- 5: 4261
Jun 6-12: 2110
Jun 13-19: 3714
Jun 20-26: 2760
Jun 27-30: 87
Jul 1- 3: 18
Jul 4-10: 21
Jul 11-17: 6
Hmmmm. Now, something looks amiss here. I get 10 emails a day at
least from this site, so how could I possibly get 6 hits in an entire WEEK?
The mystery continues.
BIG ASSED UPDATE 7/10/99
Whoa, only a few days until the one year anniversary
of the contest! Coolio.
Okay, okay, UT isn't done yet and Cat Scan 2 isn't
ready yet either. Sorry, I'm very busy, and I have another website that
I will be announcing soon. The new site will not be related to cats or
humour, it will be more related to the recent rash of school killings and
abuse in the public school system. Yes, I have a serious side. No, really.
Anyways, I had to create another Hate Mail page because
the first page was getting unweildy. Check it
I also created a Love
Mail page, if you're interested. I'm probably going to do a FAQ soon.
Oh, and if you're offended by "foul language," I
suggest you leave now. I am tired of the emails I get from people telling
me to watch my mouth, or that my site would be much cooler if I didn't
use the "F" word so much. People complaining about their kids not being
able to see the site, etc...
People, listen up.
Chances are when your kids are old enough to read and write they're
swearing like sailors. When I was young everyone I knew had foul mouths.
Deal with it.
is almost finished. Cat Scan 2 is imminent.
Get ready to warm up those scanners and fight off all those fucking
Question: Would you be interested in CAT SCAN T-shirts and/or
merchandise? Mugs? Coffee table book? Please, let
I'm back. Websites are a pain in the ass. Avoid having one if you can.
Currently finishing up latest project. When it is done, I will be doing
CAT SCAN 2.
A bit more Hatemail posted on 1/03/99!
Third place goes to...
by Cayce Bean
True, there is smearing, true, there isn't much there, but the
blindfold, open mouth, and patterns in the fur make this a sure bet. If
someone could get a full body shot like this with the blindfold, they'd
be a god.
Second place goes to...
By Alan Coughlin
Nearly full body. Priceless facial expression. Weird colours. (thank
you everyone who emailed me about this being a 3 pass scanner) This pic
should be framed and put on display for the world to see!!!
And the winner
of the CAT SCAN CONTEST is...
Kyle has kicked everyone else's asses singlehandedly. Although
these are not complete body scans, he wins on originality and clarity.
The expressions on the cats faces are priceless as well.
I'll be contacting the winners in the next week (when I have time)
so sit tight.
Thanks for entering.
CONTEST IS CLOSED
The CAT SCAN CONTEST is officially closed. NO MORE
Get your entries in! I'll try to post the final pages
of entries in the next couple of days. I will be posting the winner on
or around the 15th of this month, possibly at the BEATDOWN
BTW, I Updated Awards and Press,
as well as the HATE MAIL in feedback. Enjoy.
P.S. Thanks for all the support. I really get a ton
of positive feedback, I just don't have time to reply to many. I do have
to work and eat, you know. Another thing- THE WORLD NEEDS TO GET THE
HELL BACK TO WORK. I don't know how many of you goons have emailed
me saying "hee hee, I have to hide my laughter from my co-workers!" Shouldn't
you be working instead of looking at stupid shit like this? Hmmmmm? ;-)
Update: I scanned
Alas, the hate mail keeps pouring
in (as well as praises, but I don't get any sympathy for those, so I may
as well milk it) so I decided to put myself to the test. Here is proof
that Scanning doesn't kill you.
Hmm...I kind of look like a fucking psycho.
Does this cat look terrified of the scanner?
Further proof that the scanner does not terrify or
harm the cat. Look at Tango here. Does he look scared of the device he
is plopped upon?
For Immediate Release
Wednesday, July 15th, 1998
Cliff Bleszinski announced today that he will be hosting
a "Cat Scan" contest! This contest will feature cat-loving owners
across the world holding their felines on their flatbed scanners in the
name of ART. The rules are as follows:
1. If the cat
looks like it is in serious pain, if you have to hurt the cat to scan it,
your entry will not be allowed. I love cats, I just believe that a scanned
cat is hilarious.
2. All entries
must be recieved by August 10th, 1998.
3. All entries
become property of Cliff Bleszinski and can be posted on this webpage without
prior written consent.
4. All entries
must be JPG format, no larger than 384x384 pixels.
The best cat scan will recieve a Care Package courtesy
of Cliff, which will include a free, signed copy of Unreal, a signed Unreal
T shirt, an Unreal Hat, and any other junk Cliff has laying around his
house that he's looking to get rid of. Expect pizza crust and beer bottle
caps as well.
Entrances will be judged in several categories:
the cat's squashed hair make an interesting pattern?
KEEP THE FUCKING LIGHT OUT OF THE CAT'S EYES.
Here are two examples of good quality Cat Scans.
the cat- Is this an attractive feline, or a fat, dirty old bag of fleas?
the cat's squashed body look like a pear, or a pile of dough?
Can you see the cat's face? What about his paws?
Did the cat squirm much during the scan? Squirm-free, full-body scans will
have a better chance of victory.
(c) 1999 Cliff Bleszinski. Blah blah blah legal legal
lawyers sue blah sue blah