No book in the pipeline
Nite Owl's autobiography is an idea whose time has not yet come
by Bernard Trink
Every so often, I am asked by readers when not if I
am going to write a bookabout being the Nite Owl of the Bangkok World/Bangkok Post
for over three and a halfdecades to date. My standard reply is that my column is
an ongoing book but, of course,this begs the question. The sum total of the columns
doesn't add up to a book byeven the broadest definition of the word.
Frankly, it occurs to me now and again fleeting thoughts wondering what approachto
take. The simplest albeit most time-consuming tack would be to methodically gothrough
my weekly columns since 1965 (I keep scrapbooks) and extract items showinghow the
nitery entertainment field evolved from then till now.
Though always focussed on prostitution, there has always been more to the column.
The opening think piece was usually about personal experiences in Krung Thep.
Myfavourites are the overthrow of the junta in 1973, with gangs in student garb robbinghomes
at gunpoint; and years later in a flood on New Petchburi Road I waded amongabandoned
vehicles.
I'd been in over 50 countries before settling here and I realised in a short
timesome of the things lacking in the capital and Realm's only metropolis then (firstarriving
in 1962 for a brief sojourn). Suggestions in my early columns included telephone-booths,having
traversed Jawarad Road before finding one in a Chinese temple.
Tokyo's department stores contained cinemas and as none in Bangkok had any, I
askedin my column why not; they would draw viewers who might want to shop as well.
AsI critique movies, I proposed an annual film festival in the City of Angels àla
Cannes and Venice.
The recommendations made, one or more times (updating the obsolete 1930 Motion
PictureCensorship Code, annually), I left it to others to carry out. I know for a
fact thatthe powers-that-be peruse my columns. I can put factual dates to when I
penned mysuggestions. And I'm not taking credit for anything I didn't do. The skytrain
wasmooted before I came on the scene.
I had a life before leaving the States. Does anybody want to read about my family,schooling,
hobbies, friends, girlfriends, the military, social work, travels (Paris,first stop),
journalism as a career, pals and enemies picked up along the way, bullies,BS artists,
people jealous of me, fundamentalists who think me the Anti-Christ, feministshissing
ìpimp, neanderthal, paedophile!
You'll find me (under my own or a fictitious name) in novels, thumbnail sketches,magazine
articles, sociological commentary, interviews, praised and excoriated asthe case
may be. FYI (for your information) a former Bangkok Post staffer is writinga book
about me, based on my columns. However, it is unauthorised. How much of itis based
on in-depth research, I have no way of knowing. If and when I write my autobiography,I
won't need a ghost-writer.
- A MAN/A miss/A car a curve/He kissed the miss/And missed the curve/Burma-Shave(1948)
- A READER'S definition: Veni, Vedi, Visa: I came. I saw. I did a little shopping.
- RESERVOIRS in the rest of the Kingdom may only be at the halfway mark, but
theone in Pattaya is very nearly full. The daily downpours are seeing to that.
The rain also slices through the sois, flows across the road and goes over the
lowwall on Beach Road like a torrent. Needless to say, the oft-paved roads are pittedagain.
North Pattaya Road is in the process of being topped with concrete. Doingthe job
in the dry season would be logical, which is why it is being done duringcloudbursts.
ìTIT (This Is Thailand).
- A READER notes that I'm an omnivore eating a wide variety of food, rather thana
carnivore dining on flesh exclusively. I stand corrected.
- HANS BAUMGARTNER is asking me to pass on two messages that his famous barbecuedspare
ribs with a choice of sauces is being featured; and that he has to return toSwitzerland
for health reasons (another operation on his leg). Hence, Butcher HansPub (Soi VC
Hotel, Sunee Plaza, South Pattaya) is on the chopping-block. Interestedparties, please
note.
- TODAY, the British Chamber of Commerce is holding a Pub night at Delaney's
(Pattaya),run by Kim, starting at 6:30 p.m. Each is supplying a keg of beer free.
Plenty offree bar snacks including sausage rolls, Scotch eggs, pork pies and Irish
samosas.
The idea of the pub night is the opportunity for Pattaya businessmen to meet
ona casual basis and network business ideas. All you need is your own business cardto
partake.
- IT'S 8 a.m. at a gambling casino. There are two guys waiting at the dice tablefor
additional competition. A very attractive lady comes in and wants to bet $20,000and
a single role of the dice. The other two agree.
She say, ìI hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm not
wearing undies.With that she strips from the waist down. She then rolls the dice
while yelling,ìMomma needs new undies! Yes!! I win!!! With that she picks
up her money and clothesand quickly leaves. The other two just stare at each other
dumbfounded.
Finally one of them asks, ìWhat did she roll anyway? The other answers,
ìI don'tknow. I thought you were watching the dice!
- HOG'S BREATH SALOON (Sukhumvit Highway, Pattaya, near the Batman Disco), run
byTim and Wes, is putting on a spaghetti sauce cook off on Sunday, September 26,
at2 p.m. Anyone wanting to enter their favourite spaghetti sauce welcome. The saloon'llprovide
spaghetti and garlic bread. No charge for food in this event. All are invited.
- A FARANG living in Pattaya asked Leonie a couple, three months ago to help
finda new home for his two primates. Which was done and he sent money to pay for
a cage.
This has been ready for some time. But his name and address were lost. To reestablishcontact,
he can phone Leonie at 662-0898.
- A HUSBAND who craved to be sterile
Because of the pregnancy peril
Said, ìI've thought of vasectomy,
But my wife then might hector me,
And threaten divorce when we quarrel.
- KING'S CASTLE 2 BAR (Patpong Road) has closed for renovations, its lasses movedto
Camelot Castle Bar until completed.
- THE annual tourist season begins late October-early November, yet an increasein
the number of visitors from abroad is already discernible. Too early to attributeit
to the favourable 40 baht to the $ exchange rate, but it is sure to attract peopleoverseas
seeking a bargain when they choose their destination. ìMANURE (huMAN natURE).
- FROM the rumour-mill (and thus unconfirmed). Saloonkeeps are seething at the
high-handedtreatment by the partners at Clinton Plaza, Lumpini's finest making an
arrest lastFriday. More about this as I learn of it.
- I CAN'T fathom why there's a law on the books that watering holes must shut
at2 a.m. It doesn't diminish prostitution but does reduce income from imbibers wholike
to continue drinking longer. Kindly reappraise this law which benefits nobody.
- THE renovations at Tilac Bar (Soi Cowboy), run by Andi, are almost finished.
Notethe steel
a go-go stage floors and attractive lava lamps.
- A WOMAN is at the doctor's and says: ìDoctor, I got this major headache!
The doctor replies: ìDoesn't matter, I wasn't planning on having sex with
you anyway.
- MY e-mail address is idontgiveahoot@hotmail.com
- ACCORDING to L.M. Boyd, San Francisco Chronicle columnist, if it's a black
andwhite horse, it's a piebald. If it's a horse with white patches on some base colourother
than black, it's skewbald. But that word was too fancy for wranglers. So wassuch
a horse. They called it a ìscrewball. The word spread to mean any animal,
includingthe human, that seemed pretty much out of the ordinary.
- WHEN I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's dad. He said,ìI
want my daughter back by 8:15. I said, ìThe middle of August? Cool!
- TIRED of secondhand news, want the latest weekend reports, enjoy professionalnewscasts?
Then tune to 98.5 FM on a Sunday evening when VOA transmits the news bysatellite
direct from Washington. The bulletins are heard 9, 10, 11 p.m. and midnightduring
the show ìAnything Goes hosted by Lee Evans and Jim Davison. This show islots
of fun, too!
98.5 FM and 89 FM in Phuket are now both affiliates of VOA and relay programmesdirect
from the US in Thai and English.
- READERS occasionally want to give me a book. They can send it to me at the
BangkokPost or leave it with Richard at Spider's Web Bar (NEP) or with Rosie at Crown
Royal(Patpong 2).
- AN oxymoron. Elevated subway.
- THE most surprising sight I've ever seen on a local bus was midweek the drivertalking
his mobile phone held in one hand while steering with the other. Any commentwould
be superfluous.
- WHY are Chinese fortune cookies written in English? Just curious.
- WHEN I first reported that I spotted civil service workers, students and kindergartenteachers
moonlighting in gin mills and massage parlours way back when, readers wentballistic.
Today, people merely shrug. Sophistication is superseding naivete, agreed?
- ENGLISH is the second language of the world (after Mandarin) and will doubtlessbecome
the first in the next millennium as China picks it up for international communication.
Drawing on many tongues and untraceable slang, it isn't easy to learn. Even nativespeakers
keep a dictionary and thesaurus at hand. Good English educators, who teachby explaining
rather than by rote, are at a premium.
As virtually every rule of spelling. grammar and pronunciation has at least
oneexception, students can't be blamed for wondering if they'll ever get it right.
Notto worry those who apply themselves will. Keep in mind that no one's English isperfect.
Vocabulary is a case in point. The unabridged English dictionary (Oxford/Webster's)has
over 600,000 words, knowing the definitions of 30,000 of them marking a learnedman.
The following advice on writing is by Frank L. Visco and William Safire. They
setvalid rules and break them in ways that aren't wrong, yet they want the writers
toonly stick to the rules:
1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. Employ the vernacular.
4. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
5. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
6. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
7. Contractions aren't necessary.
8. Foreign words and phrases are not à propos.
9. One should never generalise.
10. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: ìI hate quotations.
Tell me what you know.
11. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
12. Profanity sucks.
13. Be more or less specific.
14. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
15. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
16. The passive voice is to be avoided.
17. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
18. Who needs rhetorical questions?
19. Remember to never split an infinitive.
20. The passive voice should never be used.
21.Last but not least, avoid clichés like the plague. (They're old
hat).
BUT, I DON'T GIVE A HOOT!
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