Penguin Abduction Guide

This page is split into three sections:

1. What to do if you see an alien penguin
2. What to do while you are being abducted
3. How to escape abduction
4. What to do after you are abducted

What to do if you see an alien penguin

In the extremely unlikely event that you happen to see an alien penguin, there are many things which may, or may not run through your head. For the majority of people that happen to pass through this site, there will be a simple bemusement at the sight of an alien penguin. Of course, there are people who will just run around in some form of blind panic and well, hurt themselves, such as Henry, or even, in a moment of stupidity, provoke an innocent spider. For those of youse who don't know what a falling penguin looks like, check out the Penguin Information area, where you get to see a real life alien penguin.

Anyway, on first sighting of an alien penguin, you should, as with all aliens, make a cautious judgement of the blood/coffee level, and so the chance of abductability. For alien penguins, this guide should be used:

• Coffee level 1: Not really walking, more of a slouch, and well, mostly asleep - Little Abductability
• Coffee level 2:More coffee, and therefore very much awake - Moderate chance of abduciton
• Coffee level 3:TOO MUCH COFFEE, bouncing about making weird sounds, and acting very dangerously - Definite Abduction.

After ascertaining the level of coffee that the penguin has had, most people would stroll away from the penguin on levels 1 & 2, but on level 3 a definite sprint has to be achieved, to attain escape velocity from the clutching flippers of this doped up penguin.

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What to do if you do not ascertain the level of coffee present in the Alien Penguin

About half a second after you realise that you have realised that you have not ascertained the blood-coffee level in time, you wil be set upon by a penguin. This would be thought of as bad. So it would seem wise to use this half a second wisely. There are many things you could do in half a second, but most of them will not help you get out of a bad situation with an alien penguin. The most prudent piece of advise I can give is RUN. Of course, ir you can't turn around and run fast enough, well... you've got problems. In this situaiton you would need an ACME 500 Penguin Blaster, which coincidentaly is used to blast away penguins. It was first used in zoos to keep the penguins in order, but unfortunately, one of the penguins got a hold of the blaster, and shot a keeper, causing him to walk around mindlessly singing New Kids on the Block songs. (Rumour has it that the New Kids were abducted by aliens to save Earth from thehorrible crimes to humanity that they partook in when opening their mouths to sing.). Of course, considering that the ACME 500 is on the black market, and doesn't exist, you won't be using that. Your next most sophisitcated weapon is the Smith and Wesson Penguin Splat, which also does not exist. Actually, most of the weapons don't exist. That leaves the last, weapon to be the plank of wood. Just pick it up and keep hitting the penguin on the head until it lets go of your foot. Of course, if it does not let go, you're about to be abducted.

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What to do while you are being abducted

Assuming you don't escape form this evil penguin like visage, you should calm down and thank god you didn't get abducted by a cow or something. Penguins usually abduct people for no particular reason, and usually do it because they like scaring the crap out of anyone who looks stoopid.

The penguin alien test sequence is relatively simple, they usually flap their flippers about, in fact they always flap their flippers about, and make loud squacking sounds. After looking entirely pathetic, they rip out some nasty looking medical equipment and start performing tests on you nose hairs. This part of the abduciton sequence is horrifying, and is extremely painfull.

After performing out the tests, the penguins usually provide a black tie dinner, and a live carabet show with, well, tap-dancing penguins.

After this entirely horrifying experience, you are dropped from a height of 1000 mm, and suffer terible abrasions to the posterior sections.

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What to do after you are abducted

After abduction, the easiest, and best thing to do is find your nearest Penguin Abduction Centre, and report this experience to them, after doing that, you can, well, tell all your friends, and then get ridiculed for being so stoopid as to have been abducted by a stoopid penguin alien, and look really stoopid on your own, as you realise that in that instant of stoopidity, you have lost all of your stoopid friends, who will look really stoopid when they get abducted by alien cows or something.

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