If you haven't seen "A Christmas Story," you'd probably wonder how a
movie that includes a kid getting his tongue stuck to a frozen pole, a
horrifically scary department store Santa scene, and multiple
references to shooting your eye out could be the quintessential
Christmas movie. But it is.
Without question, there's no other movie that captures the spirit of
Christmas so perfectly. Forget "It's a Wonderful Life" and "A Christmas
Carol" — they're great stories and good movies, but they're otherworld
versions of Christmas. "A Christmas Story" is for every kid who's ever
been disillusioned with what's under the tree, every family who's had
their "Brady Bunch" notions shattered by the reality of interfamily
interaction, every person who gets a smile on their face just because
late December is approaching.
While it's available in video stores, "A Christmas Story" pops up on
TCM and other networks this time of year, giving us the chance to discover it all over again. The first time I saw it was in December, in my high-school English class on the last day of school; we had the option of "studying" or watching the film. I was amazed at its sheer
brilliance, its ability to sum up the nuances of the yearly celebration of capitalism and Christ.
Nine-year-old Ralphie is our intrepid hero; as an
adult, he recalls his most memorable Christmas. (The narrator is voiced
by Jean Shepherd, the author of the novel, "In God We Trust, All Others
Pay Cash," upon which the film is based; sadly, Shepherd passed away in
mid-October.) Ralphie lives in northern Indiana with his parents and
younger brother, and for Christmas, he wants "an official Red Ryder,
carbine action, two-hundred shot range model air rifle." The first time
he blurts out his request for the gun to his mother for the gun, she
says no and utters "that deadly phrase," which is now part of the
American lexicon: "You'll shoot your eye out."
"A Christmas Story" is about a heck of a lot more than just a kid's
quest for the perfect holiday gift, however. Long before "The Wonder
Years" perfectly captured the nuances of a solidly middle class family,
we had Ralphie's foul-mouthed superlative Old Man, his realist Mother,
and his stupid kid brother. (Who can forget Randy wrapped so tightly in
winter gear that he couldn't move his arms?) A decade and a half before
Ally McBeal's CGI fantasies, Ralphie imagined saving his family from
burglars with his BB gun and other perfect-world situations. Years
prior to Michael Moore's anti-corporate screeds, we shared Ralphie's
anger and disappointment after he finally received his first Little
Orphan Annie Secret Society message and it revealed an advertisement
for Ovaltine.
While capturing Everyfamily's nuances perfectly, it also pulls together
everything wonderful and screwed up about Christmas — "...lovely,
glorious, beautiful Christmas, around which the entire kid year
revolved," as Ralphie says. The wonder of Christmas morning, the
ludicrousness of gifts from relatives, it's all capture perfectly. But
most of all, the film reminds us that perfection — in our families,
during the holidays, and everywhere else — lies in utter, glorious imperfection.
What else is on?
TV recommendations for the coming weeks...Holiday happenings and millennial madness
[These shows are staler than Aunt Martha's fruit cake. Click here for something fresher.]
Monday, Dec. 20
The true-to-life yet exaggerated high school drama Popular repeats its
holiday episode, which features a "Christmas Carol" knock-off...On
Ally McBeal, Ally and Renee challenge each other to a performance duel,
while Elaine decides to keep a baby she discovers in a nativity scene...The Discovery Channel repeats In Search of Liberty Bell 7. A hard-working team gets the gift of their lifetimes when they locate Gus Grissom's space capsule at the bottom of the ocean.
Tuesday, Dec. 21
Buffy meets the non-demon yet evil Parker on tonight's repeat of Buffy the Vampire Slayer...60 Minutes II profiles Christians who will be opening Bibles, not champagne bottles, on New Year's Eve, because they think the end of the world is coming soon...Fox shows the 1994 remake of Miracle on 34th St. to get you in a holiday mood.
Wednesday, Dec. 22
Although the year 2000 is a week and a half away, NBC's Adventures in Time: The National Geographic Millenium Special gets us ready with a
recap of Earth's history. In two hours...The Science of Christmas is the Discovery Channel's examination of the holiday from a quantitative
point of view, with answers to pressing questions like how Santa actually delivers presents to millions of homes in one evening.
Thursday, Dec. 23
Funny holiday videos are featured on America's Funniest Home Videos'
Unwrapped for the Holidays special. It's amazing that they were able to
find an hour's worth of video of Santa getting whacked in the crotch...What are you sure you don't want for Christmas? A bunch of Michael Keatons. But that's what you get as Fox brings Multiplicity to TV...Enjoy the music of the season on PBS, which presents Christmas Gloria with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir and the Canadian Brass.
Friday, Dec. 24
NBC's Christmas Eve is consumed with its annual broadcast of It's A Wonderful Life...Take your pick of two classic retellings of Charles
Dickens' ultimate Christmas Eve story: Turner Classic Movies' showing
of 1938's A Christmas Carol or the 1951 A Christmas Carol on AMC.
Saturday, Dec. 25
If you were too busy dreaming of sugar plums on Christmas Eve and you
missed the two classic versions, don't fret; Patrick Stewart's A Christmas Carol on TNT is just as good...Direct from
Orlando, Fla., Walt Disney World's Very Merry Christmas Parade features those living embodiments of Christmas, 'N Sync and Harry
Connick, Jr. Hey, by that time of the day, you'll watch anything to escape your family for a few hours.
Sunday, Dec. 26
After a long day of standing in line at Target and the mall returning
the crap that other people bought you, relax in front of the small
screen. The Jonathan Taylor Thomas vehicle Wild America is on ABC, and
Sandra Bullock's coma-inducing While You Were Sleeping is on NBC.
Monday, Dec. 27
The countdowns begin as the 60 Minutes crew presents its selection of
the Person of the Century...Catch a repeat of the second coming — of the pop music sensations The Backstreet Boys, with an encore presentation of the MTV special celebrating the release of their most recent album, the aptly titled "Millennium."
Tuesday, Dec. 28
If the power goes out and everything technological goes kerflooey late Friday night, we'll be living like cave people. Sort of. Anyway, that's
what Cave Slayer and her beer drinking buds experience in the slick critique of campus-lush culture on tonight's Buffy rerun...If you're giving Will & Grace a first glance tonight because "Dharma & Greg" is in repeats, don't judge the series by this episode, one of its worst to date. It features Grace challenging Will for president of their apartment building.
Wednesday, Dec. 29
Pop quiz: what does "Post hoc, ergo propter hoc" mean? Find out on
tonight's repeat of The West Wing...Hosted by venerable anchor Walter
Cronkite, the Kennedy Center Honors: A Celebration of the Performing Arts recognizes the nation's best entertainers, including Stevie Wonder and Jason Robards.
Thursday, Dec. 30
New Year's Eve is still a day plus away for most of us, but don't tell
that to Dan Rather. He hosts a special 48 Hours that features the millennial celebration from Fiji, where a Virginia couple will attempt to be the first pair married in the 21st century...The cheerleaders accept Carmen's invitation to a sleepover, and that has Sam wondering
what's up on Popular...Dick Clark warms up his hosting voice by presenting More Bloopers, funny outtakes from TV news and other shows.
Friday, Dec. 31
It's here. And the nets are ready. There's ABC 2000 (followed by New Year's Rockin' Eve), CBS' America's Millennium: A Celebration (10 PM ET), NBC's
Millennium Special, and PBS's Millennium 2000. Take your pick.
Saturday, Jan. 1
For your hungover self, the networks are making sure you don't have to
think much. NBC airs Jurassic Park (not its wretched sequel, thankfully), CBS shows The Bodyguard, Fox pisses off more magicians with Breaking the Magician's Code: Magic's Biggest Secrets Finally Revealed 4, and ABC sticks with football — the Orange Bowl, featuring Alabama vs. Michigan.
Sunday, Jan. 2
If your power's back on, you can catch The Saint on NBC tonight...Or
there's more college football with the Fiesta Bowl on ABC. Nebraska plays Tennessee...Or if you want to start the new year on a
pseudo-scholarly note, tune into the TV movie biography Beyond the
Prairie: The True Story of Laura Ingalls Wilder.
Test Pattern will be on hiatus until the New Year. Watch out for falling sattellites and check for us in the year 2-G.
