RICE WOMEN ARE LIKE ...
... A Sammy's tuna melt: Sometimes they are just what you are looking for, but if taken in large doses, they'll send you to an early grave.
... A warm toilet seat: If you can find one to get on, it feels great. However, in the back of your mind you know that someone had to be there before you.
... A motor scooter: fun to ride, but you sure don't want your friends to see you on them.
... Taxes: You pay, and you pay, and then you pay some more and never seem to get anything back.
... A martini: In 10 years you'll think they're great, but right now they seem way over your head.
... A Pinto hatchback: They get the job done, but there are ones out there that do it with so much more flair.
... TV: a distraction from drinking and studying.
... A Wiess College heater: Technically, they can get you hot, but, more often than not, they break trying.
... Parking spaces: The good ones are taken and the rest are either handicapped or too far out.
... Bob Truscott: useful in lots of ways. We just struggle to list them off the top of our head.
... A case of genital herpes: sure, you can live with them, but do you really want to?
... A pistol and a bottle of bourbon: You can have lots of fun with them, but the kind you dream about will only get you hurt or arrested.
... Sports equipment in the HPER building: The ones in good condition are swept up by the athletes and the rest of us are forced to choose among the used, broken and filthy hand-me-downs.
... Kenny the rover: known for taking away Rice males' beer.
... Campos: Sometimes it seems like the only reason they're around is to hassle you and ruin your good time.
... Thresher Editors in chief: They take all you've got, suck out the life and creativity from it and leave the end product a lifeless, sanitized copy of the original.
... Your first physics test at Rice: They make you long for the ones you had in high school.
... Digital watches: much easier to use, but they never quite look as good.
... Ice-cold Shiner: not really, but it would be cool if they were.
... CK: always trying to convince you to eat what they got, and that what they got ain't loaded with fat.
... Cold showers: a shock at first, but you get used to that prickly feeling after a while.
... Card readers: Sometimes they let you in, but don't count on them to open up every time.
... Calendars: Some are large, some are small, some are cool, some suck -- but all tell you when the month's up.
... Pennies: You can't really do anything with them, but you always want to pick them up.
... Couches: No matter how dusty, stained and dirty they get, underclassmen beg seniors to hand them down.
... The Thresher : You can open them up, but your fingers get stained ... and, of course, they are the most fun from the backside.
... A nail gun: often in need of an electric current to get started.
... Radios: sometimes a receiver, but too often a transmitter.
... The Baker Commons: Sure they're pretty, but nothing fun ever happens inside.
... Stray puppies: Show 'em a little kindness and they'll follow you everywhere. Take 'em home and they'll immediately stake out their territory.
... Bill Clinton: Considering the alternatives, they'll just have to do for now.
... Shots of tequila: bitter, salty, and you usually regret doing them the next morning.
... Techno music: numbs the senses and grates on the nerves, but parties just aren't the same without them.
... Long-distance plans: overly complicated, but nobody really cares about the specifics as long as they have one that's cheap.
... Movie sequels: never as good the second time around.
... Your mom: Just when they're about to drive you off the deep end, they go and make you cookies.
... F&H mattresses: Cold and uncomfortable, but, when it's all you've got, you lay them anyway.
... Communism: In theory, they're a good idea. In practice, all they cause is terrible hardship and struggle.
... KTRU: Not really what you like to spend your free time doing, but you're pretty glad that they are on campus.
... Computers: Apparently, they're wonderful if you know how to use them. But most of the time they're just good to play games with.
... Eggs: They only get laid once.
This item appeared in the Backpage section of the November 8, 1996 issue.
Copyright © 1996 The Rice Thresher. All Rights
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