... Ross Perot: At first they seem OK, but the more you get to know them, the more you realize just how fucking crazy they are.

... A Sammy's tuna melt: Sometimes they are just what you are looking for, but if taken in large doses, they'll send you to an early grave.

... A warm toilet seat: If you can find one to get on, it feels great. However, in the back of your mind you know that someone had to be there before you.

... A motor scooter: fun to ride, but you sure don't want your friends to see you on them.

... Taxes: You pay, and you pay, and then you pay some more and never seem to get anything back.

... A martini: In 10 years you'll think they're great, but right now they seem way over your head.

... A Pinto hatchback: They get the job done, but there are ones out there that do it with so much more flair.

... TV: a distraction from drinking and studying.

... A Wiess College heater: Technically, they can get you hot, but, more often than not, they break trying.

... Parking spaces: The good ones are taken and the rest are either handicapped or too far out.

... Bob Truscott: useful in lots of ways. We just struggle to list them off the top of our head.

... A case of genital herpes: sure, you can live with them, but do you really want to?

... A pistol and a bottle of bourbon: You can have lots of fun with them, but the kind you dream about will only get you hurt or arrested.

... Sports equipment in the HPER building: The ones in good condition are swept up by the athletes and the rest of us are forced to choose among the used, broken and filthy hand-me-downs.

... Kenny the rover: known for taking away Rice males' beer.

... Campos: Sometimes it seems like the only reason they're around is to hassle you and ruin your good time.

... Thresher Editors in chief: They take all you've got, suck out the life and creativity from it and leave the end product a lifeless, sanitized copy of the original.

... Your first physics test at Rice: They make you long for the ones you had in high school.

... Digital watches: much easier to use, but they never quite look as good.

... Ice-cold Shiner: not really, but it would be cool if they were.

... CK: always trying to convince you to eat what they got, and that what they got ain't loaded with fat.

... Cold showers: a shock at first, but you get used to that prickly feeling after a while.

... Card readers: Sometimes they let you in, but don't count on them to open up every time.

... Calendars: Some are large, some are small, some are cool, some suck -- but all tell you when the month's up.

... Pennies: You can't really do anything with them, but you always want to pick them up.

... Couches: No matter how dusty, stained and dirty they get, underclassmen beg seniors to hand them down.

... The Thresher : You can open them up, but your fingers get stained ... and, of course, they are the most fun from the backside.

... A nail gun: often in need of an electric current to get started.

... Radios: sometimes a receiver, but too often a transmitter.

... The Baker Commons: Sure they're pretty, but nothing fun ever happens inside.

... Stray puppies: Show 'em a little kindness and they'll follow you everywhere. Take 'em home and they'll immediately stake out their territory.

... Bill Clinton: Considering the alternatives, they'll just have to do for now.

... Shots of tequila: bitter, salty, and you usually regret doing them the next morning.

... Techno music: numbs the senses and grates on the nerves, but parties just aren't the same without them.

... Long-distance plans: overly complicated, but nobody really cares about the specifics as long as they have one that's cheap.

... Movie sequels: never as good the second time around.

... Your mom: Just when they're about to drive you off the deep end, they go and make you cookies.

... F&H mattresses: Cold and uncomfortable, but, when it's all you've got, you lay them anyway.

... Communism: In theory, they're a good idea. In practice, all they cause is terrible hardship and struggle.

... KTRU: Not really what you like to spend your free time doing, but you're pretty glad that they are on campus.

... Computers: Apparently, they're wonderful if you know how to use them. But most of the time they're just good to play games with.

... Eggs: They only get laid once.

This item appeared in the Backpage section of the November 8, 1996 issue.

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