[This site contains filthy language and images of squished pussy.]
Featured in The Wall Street Journal, London Daily Telegraph, and more! Interested in advertising here? Contact me.
See what People Are Saying! (part 1)
UPDATE 1/23/00Cat Scans Featured in Art Gallery! Some of the best Cat Scans are currently being featured in an art gallery in San Francisco! | | Here's a great Quote: | "Working in a range of media, the six artists chosen for 'Emotionally Annoyed' deliver some of the freshest art in town this season, a creative antidote for your postholiday letdown.... Cliff Bleszinski's 'cat-scans' digital prints of felines reclining on scanners, a maelstrom of colorful fur, pawprints and flabby fuzzis sure to raise the show's cutesy factor." | Here's the link to the information, as well as a glowing review. | As far as Cat-Scan 2 goes: Unless I find someone willing to help me out and do 3/4ths of the work (web design, posting of images, etc...while I do commentary, deal with hate mail, and publicize the thing, it ain't gonna happen.) So, if you're someone with some time and mad webpage ability who wants to assist please drop me a line. Who knows, if I ever make money off of this thing I'll give you a chunk of it. |
UPDATE 11/13/99I've been sexually harassed!
I recieved this image in my mailbox yesterday from a Dutch woman. She said she wanted to share her "Pussy Scan."
[I'm leaving the bottom half of this JPG to your imagination.]
for the Cat Scan Contest in MSNBC's "Nutty Net!"
Well, okay, we're not on their list yet, but you can write the Cat Scan Contest in!
If we get on there I'll post more stupid hate mail!
(nothing wrong with bribing, eh?)
An anti-cat scan website has been set up by opposing forces!
There is a vote going on right now.
Support the Cat Scan baby!
UPDATE 8/07/99 Some more Hate Mail posted for you. Enjoy. :-)
FYI, my mailing list gets information on the next contest before anyone else, in addition to all sorts of cute cat related jokes.
In other CliffyB related news, I've launched my next grand experiment "Tales from the Hellmouth." Check it out, and if you dig it, spread the word. It shall be interesting to see what kinds of stories I can acquire and post.
Oh, and go see Blair Witch. It fucking rocks.
UPDATE 8/02/99Look, I'm trying to be nice here.
Please, don't send me your files. Don't send me "early entries" for Cat Scan 2. I'll just delete them.
The fucking contest is over. Get it though your thick skulls, Wal Mart shoppers.Thank you, drive through.
UPDATE 7/24/99I have created a Cat Scan mailing list. You'll hear when the site is updated, and you'll get inside information about when the next Cat Scan contest is, as well as information on my other upcoming website(s.) I have to let you know that before Cat-Scan 2 comes out, Hellmouth will be going live. Yes, Hellmouth is the next big thing from yours truly. The website will feature tales of abuse that people have or are enduring in school, by peers and/or administrators. If you would like to get a submission in early (for HELLMOUTH, not Cat Scan 2) please email it to me.
UPDATE 7/20/99 I just had to update to report how dumb LinkExchange Fastcounter is. Check out the weekly stats for hits they emailed me this week: Jun 1- 5: 4261 Jun 6-12: 2110 Jun 13-19: 3714 Jun 20-26: 2760 Jun 27-30: 87 Jul 1- 3: 18 Jul 4-10: 21 Jul 11-17: 6 Hmmmm. Now, something looks amiss here. I get 10 emails a day at least from this site, so how could I possibly get 6 hits in an entire WEEK? The mystery continues.
BIG ASSED UPDATE 7/10/99Whoa, only a few days until the one year anniversary of the contest! Coolio.
Okay, okay, UT isn't done yet and Cat Scan 2 isn't ready yet either. Sorry, I'm very busy, and I have another website that I will be announcing soon. The new site will not be related to cats or humour, it will be more related to the recent rash of school killings and abuse in the public school system. Yes, I have a serious side. No, really. Heh.
Anyways, I had to create another Hate Mail page because the first page was getting unweildy. Check it out.
I also created a Love Mail page, if you're interested. I'm probably going to do a FAQ soon.
Oh, and if you're offended by "foul language," I suggest you leave now. I am tired of the emails I get from people telling me to watch my mouth, or that my site would be much cooler if I didn't use the "F" word so much. People complaining about their kids not being able to see the site, etc...
People, listen up.
Chances are when your kids are old enough to read and write they're swearing like sailors. When I was young everyone I knew had foul mouths. Deal with it.
UPDATE 5/18/99Unreal Tournament is almost finished. Cat Scan 2 is imminent. Get ready to warm up those scanners and fight off all those fucking tree huggers. Question: Would you be interested in CAT SCAN T-shirts and/or merchandise? Mugs? Coffee table book? Please, let me know!
UPDATE 1/03/99I'm back. Websites are a pain in the ass. Avoid having one if you can. <G>
THE WINNERS!Third place goes to... "Last Cat" by Cayce Bean True, there is smearing, true, there isn't much there, but the blindfold, open mouth, and patterns in the fur make this a sure bet. If someone could get a full body shot like this with the blindfold, they'd be a god. Second place goes to... "Balon Noir" By Alan Coughlin Nearly full body. Priceless facial expression. Weird colours. (thank you everyone who emailed me about this being a 3 pass scanner) This pic should be framed and put on display for the world to see!!! And the winner of the CAT SCAN CONTEST is... "TWO CATS" By KYLE! Kyle has kicked everyone else's asses singlehandedly. Although these are not complete body scans, he wins on originality and clarity. The expressions on the cats faces are priceless as well. I'll be contacting the winners in the next week (when I have time) so sit tight. Thanks for entering.
CONTEST IS CLOSEDThe CAT SCAN CONTEST is officially closed. NO MORE ENTRIES. Get your entries in! I'll try to post the final pages of entries in the next couple of days. I will be posting the winner on or around the 15th of this month, possibly at the BEATDOWN LAN party! BTW, I Updated Awards and Press, as well as the HATE MAIL in feedback. Enjoy. P.S. Thanks for all the support. I really get a ton of positive feedback, I just don't have time to reply to many. I do have to work and eat, you know. Another thing- THE WORLD NEEDS TO GET THE HELL BACK TO WORK. I don't know how many of you goons have emailed me saying "hee hee, I have to hide my laughter from my co-workers!" Shouldn't you be working instead of looking at stupid shit like this? Hmmmmm? ;-)
Update: I scanned myself Alas, the hate mail keeps pouring in (as well as praises, but I don't get any sympathy for those, so I may as well milk it) so I decided to put myself to the test. Here is proof that Scanning doesn't kill you. Hmm...I kind of look like a fucking psycho.
Update: Does this cat look terrified of the scanner?Further proof that the scanner does not terrify or harm the cat. Look at Tango here. Does he look scared of the device he is plopped upon?
Press ReleaseFor Immediate Release
Cliff Bleszinski announced today that he will be hosting a "Cat Scan" contest! This contest will feature cat-loving owners across the world holding their felines on their flatbed scanners in the name of ART. The rules are as follows:
1. If the cat looks like it
is in serious pain, if you have to hurt the cat to scan it, your entry will not be
allowed. I love cats, I just believe that a scanned cat is hilarious.
2. All entries must be recieved by August 10th, 1998.
3. All entries become property of Cliff Bleszinski and can be posted on this webpage without prior written consent.
4. All entries must be JPG format, no larger than 384x384 pixels.
The best cat scan will recieve a Care Package courtesy of Cliff, which will include a free, signed copy of Unreal, a signed Unreal T shirt, an Unreal Hat, and any other junk Cliff has laying around his house that he's looking to get rid of. Expect pizza crust and beer bottle caps as well.
Entrances will be judged in several categories:
the cat's squashed hair make an interesting pattern?
-Beauty of the cat- Is this an attractive feline, or a fat, dirty old bag of fleas?
-Form- Does the cat's squashed body look like a pear, or a pile of dough?
-Positioning- Can you see the cat's face? What about his paws?
-Consistancy- Did the cat squirm much during the scan? Squirm-free, full-body scans will have a better chance of victory.
KEEP THE FUCKING LIGHT OUT OF THE CAT'S EYES. Here are two examples of good quality Cat Scans.
(c) 1999 Cliff Bleszinski. Blah blah blah legal legal lawyers sue blah sue blah