I suppose in retrospect, I should have always known I'm gay. If I look hard enough, I can recognize some of the signs in highschool, grade school, or even my early childhood. But regardless, I denied any feelings and questions about my sexuality and repressed them, because I had the impression that those kinds of thoughts were wrong. That impression didn't come from my family, though -- they never made any direct remarks about homosexuality one way or the other. But as a boy growing up in North Dakota, there were always plenty of subtle cues that society didn't care much for queers. Homosexuals were often the butt of many adolescent jokes.

But as much as I tried to deny it, I knew that I was attracted -- physically and emotionally -- to persons of my own sex. So while the other guys in high school drooled over the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated, I checked out the well-dressed men of GQ and the hunky bodies in Men's Fitness. And when I finally turned 18, I was like a kid in a candy shop at the local adult bookstore -- it was the first time I'd ever seen a Mandate or other male porn magazines. The first few times I'd always buy a 'straight' magazine along with a few gay ones -- the lady would look at me funny, then give me my purchase in a plain brown paper bag. Within a few months I finally got the courage to forget about the extra straight magazine, and I didn't get any more funny looks.

But throughout high school and my first year of college, I was completely in the closet without even admitting that there was a closet to be in. I even went steady with two girls at different times during high school. And in both cases, as the girl started getting more serious about me, something clicked and I had to get out of the relationship. I knew I didn't want to be physical with the opposite sex. My hormones told me I wanted to be physical with the same sex, and I even had a friend in a nearby town with whom I'd experiment now and then. But after fooling around, I'd always feel terribly ashamed and empty. I always promised myself to never do it again, but my hormones never cared much about those promises.

My whole life changed in the fall of 1992 when I finally moved to California. My mom lived there, and I'd been wanting to move to California even before high school graduation. But after graduation I'd enrolled in nearby Moorhead State University because they offered me a full scholarship, and it was hard to justify turning it down. After my Freshman year, however, the scholarship was over and my mom invited me to come live with her. It was my dream come true!

Even after I moved to California, I was still confused and in denial about my sexuality. I saw how gay people are ostracized and ridiculed, and I didn't want to be gay. Part of me thought that if I could be with a woman, then everything would fall into place and I'd be over my attraction to men. So in one of the more foolish and irresponsible events of my life, I flew to South Dakota to meet a girl with whom I'd became close friends via an online chat forum. To make a long story short, we did end up sleeping together, and I realized that I simply wasn't meant to be heterosexual. The emotional love and physical excitement just wasn't there. The experience certainly made everything fall into place, but just not like I had thought it would.

So, I finally knew that I'm gay. On February 23, 1993, I came out to myself. (I remember the date because it happened to be, strangely enough, my father's birthday!) I also came out to my mom that day, with whom I was still living at the time. I was so nervous, but I knew it was something I had to do. I was shaking, but somehow after plenty of stumbling and stuttering I said the G word. And to my surprise -- and delight -- my mom let out a deep breath and said something like "Is that all?" -- she feared I was going to say that I didn't like it in California and that I wanted to move back to North Dakota. She hugged me and told me it didn't matter if I'm gay. As it turns out, I later found out that my mom's best friend from high school is gay, too. So it certainly wasn't an issue with her.

The next task was to tell my family and friends back in North Dakota. After such a positive experience from my mom, I couldn't wait to tell everyone. My younger sister was surprised, but still supportive. My dad admitted that he wasn't too happy about the news, but he made it a point to tell me he still loved me just the same. Some of my friends were shocked; some said they had guessed it already. All in all, it was a pretty good coming out -- whether they were surprised or not, everyone was supportive and positive.

By now, it's simply a matter of fact to my family and friends that I'm gay. I never have to remind anyone about my sexuality or what Michael means in my life. Ironically, I do have to remind them that my name isn't Jason anymore! (By coincidence, I changed my name to Jase at the same time I came out.) All three of my parents are completely accepting of the relationship between Michael and me, and we all get along wonderfully.

Still, coming out is a continual process. Just by wearing gold bands on our ring fingers, Michael and I are making a decision to be visibly out. If somebody asks me about it, I'll tell them the truth -- that I have a husband, not a wife. When I interviewed for my post-college employment, I had to decide whether or not I would be visibly out by including in my web portfolio the sites I've done that have gay content. It was really an easy decision for me, though, as I certainly wouldn't want to work anywhere that had a problem with my sexuality. And I knew that I'd be hired based on my talents, not based on the sex of who I love. Fortunately, I have that prerogative in the computer industry of the Bay Area -- I realize that people in other fields and other locales may not have that option to be out. But that's just all the more reason for me to be! (Incidently, most of my co-workers know I'm gay, either because they've asked or because they figured it out from the photos and rainbow flags in my cube.)

-- June 7, 1996
-- Updated May 17,1998