The Elderly

Intergenerational Warfare:

Is your neighbourhood safe?

There is a new threat to safety, a report released by the Committee for Consumer Aesthetics yesterday revealed that by the year 2015 our neighborhood will be overrun with the fastest rising group ever: The elderly.

Millions of elderly people are cropping up all over the US and Canada from out of nowhere.

Frightening statistics:

1 out of every 9 Baby Boomers is expected to live to age ninety.
48 million will be sixty years and older in 2005.
There are 76 Million Baby Boomers who don't seem to be making plans to die soon.

What is causing them:

Dr. Engel Bearen shared his view: "Well it seems some irresponsible doctors have been telling patients to eat right, stop smoking, exercise, stay out of the sun. People are taking this quack advice seriously and living longer.

"It's Thalidomide all over again. These doctors are not looking at the long term effects. The country is crawling with them, and we have no idea what to do with them. This country is not meant for old people."

"Families have to take responsibility" says Lee-Ann McEachnie a noted cosmetologist "instead of encouraging quiet sedentary activity and a slow decline, the sons and daughters of these folks have been encouraging outside activity and in extreme cases feeding them vegetables. The problems are not being dealt with in the home."

The Problem

Western Nations are not set up to deal with elderly people. Not only are they depressing to look at, they don't impulse buy.

The biggest concern is that oddly enough, they are still allowed to vote and therefore have a very strong say. They have a lot of free time so they attend meetings, examine all issues. In essence, they are interfering with the democratic process as we know it.

"We are worried yes", says a corporate advertiser who wishes to remain unnamed. "We feel the media holds a certain responsibility and for the most part we have been successful --you don't see wizened faces often on mainstream TV and they have almost successfully disappeared from television commercials.

"Sure, occasionally we will bow to pressure from special interest groups who make feeble references to Older Americans Act of 1965 with its Bill of Rights for Older Americans but we deal with that by just throwing in a shot of an elder drinking a soda and going completely mental---that is hardly glamorizing old age.

"There is a rhythm in any society. We set that tone with commercials and it keeps society running at a set pace. If elders get their way, you can say good-bye to MTV and Action Films. Television will just be channel after channel of people with a huge frame of reference and thoughtful well-considered speech. Who needs that?"

Who indeed.

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The truth is, Elderly people are getting harder and harder to spot so here are some signs of Elder Affiliation:

Brooches
Pearls
Odd Trousers
Curiously high belts
Tiny floral prints
Scarfs worn over the head
Golf hats
Knee Highs
Scent of Lavender
Comfortable shoes.

What You Can Do.

One of the first mistakes people make is to ship them off to an old age home. That does not solve the problem as they often take courses and socialize-- in fact, in some cases the move has renewed the will to live.

Keep the elder in the home.
Isolate them and tell them all their friends are dead.
Whenever they tell a story, tell them they just told you that 5 minutes ago.
Keep changing your Christian name.
Keep the television on 24 hours a day but with the volume off. Ask them to turn it down every hour or so.
Feed them a diet of pudding.