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A Shamanic Path

July 19, 1998
I have to warn you that I have lost whatever connection I had to any kind of spirituality. I no longer do shamanic journeys, I no longer really try to commune with the spirit world in any way. I gave up, had a loss of faith, wandered off the path, call it what you will, but it's now gone for the most part. Mostly, it was a sense of futility...I realized that no one can ever truly understand The Truth about life, the earth, the universe...why spend valuable time stressing myself out about it? If I just simply live, take what comes, and enjoy my time, I will be happy. It is easier. I guess you could say I wimped out. I asked for something I could hold onto, something solid, something "real," some kind of sign that I would absolutely know, and nothing happened. My faith was not strong enough to survive that, and so now, I have basically stopped any spiritual activities. That may change in the future, but for now, I am done. So please, if you're going to write to me about spiritual matters, don't take offense if I am not up for discussing the issues in detail.

December 29, 1998

I'm still in a state of limbo, largely...I feel more connected to nature and to the synchronicities of life now than I did when I wrote the above paragraph. I was pretty hurt and angry when I wrote it...I had begged for some kind of sign, and it did not come, or at least I wasn't aware of it. I felt abandoned and useless for a longtime. Now, I feel not so much abandoned by the spirits as I first did, but rather that I simply am not good enough, or strong enough, or focused enough to maintain the kind of discipline required for journeying. It was almost always a struggle to feel connected to them, and I ran out of energy for it. I feel bad, I feel guilty for giving up, but I also know that it's the only choice I can make right now. If my power animals do exist, I hope they can forgive me for the neglect and the doubt.

A lot of people still write to me about this matter, almost daily, saying that it's normal to go through this kind of phase, that it's a sign of growth, that my connection will return when it's time. I would welcome a strong relationship with the spirits whenever they see fit to have me. Perhaps at some point, I'll feel enough courage to try again. In the meantime, I'll try to keep my heart and my eyes open, to watch for the little miracles of everyday life.

The rest of the page is as it was written last year.

August 16, 1999

On Sun, 15 Aug 1999, ladidiane wrote:

hi, my name is diane, and i just read your shamanic path pages. the last given date in it that i found was dec. 1998 ( i could have missed something). i was just wondering how things are going now, 8 months later? i too, have been in this slump of not knowing why i believe what i do, how to explain it, and worst of all...not being able to reach any deeper into it. waiting for something to happen to let you know that i am at least on the correct path. i was very interested in your stories, and the way you felt was very close to the way i feel....its good to know that i am not the only one!

thank you
diane

hi diane -

i haven't put much energy or thought into spirituality, other than trying to feel as connected to everything as i possibly can, mostly in terms of empathy and compassion. i'm much happier now that i'm not trying so hard to feel *something* spiritual. i still notice and appreciate life's little non-coincidences, and there are times when something feels very strong to me. most of the time, though, i am just happy simply being, and that's a wonderful thing.

thanks for asking, and i wish you the best in your search.

cheers
airyn

March 1997:

For a little over a year now, I have recognized that I am walking a shamanic path. What does this mean? What does this mean to me, specifically? These pages are about my own particular journey as an evolving shamanic practitioner; how I was introduced to shamanism, why I immediately felt it was my spiritual home, how it fits into my daily life, and so on.

The thoughts and feelings expressed on these pages are intensely personal; some of them may offend you, or seem brutal to you, but I am only offering them in the spirit of sharing something that is important to me. It all falls into my desire for communication, for sharing The Moment.

I welcome any comments, as I do with any part of my websight; please mail me if you like. Shamanism is something I really enjoy talking about, and sharing with others.

Shamanism has helped me open myself even further to life in general; it's given me a lot of insight into myself and others, and into a lot of life's lessons. It gives me a medium to help and to heal people that is very effective. It's not the only path to healing, certainly, but it's the one that works for me. There are no "wrong answers" in shamanism, and there is no "right way" to practice it; it's all very indiviudal-oriented. I was completely skeptical to begin with, but working with my friend Tracey has allowed me to understand that shamanism is effective, and can produce immediate, profound results; the healing that Tracey has done on me and on other people I know has worked. I'm a very analytical person by nature, so it wasn't easy to begin accepting shamanic practices as "real;" however, the work I have done with Tracey (and with others) combined with my own practices have helped me understand that shamanism is an important tool that anyone can use to help themselves and other people.

There is a quote on one of Tracey's pages that I really like: "The mission of the shaman is to heal the living and the dead." What more beautiful mission could there be in life? To me, helping others is of the utmost importance. Helping others helps me, too; as I say again and again, we are all students, and we are all teachers, and only together can we learn anything.

This page has just begun; however, I feel it's important to get some links going, just so there's something here. The first list here is personal; my journeys, my exercises, my thoughts and experiences. On the fifteenth and sixteenth of March, I attended the Foundation for Shamanic Studies Basic Workshop, at Carter Caves State Resort Park in Olive Hill, Kentucky. It was an intensive workshop, aimed at those people who have little or no experience working with shamanism. So, the first link is to the subset of pages that are dedicated to that experience.

This second list of links is to places that are mostly away from my websight; feel free to return here whenever you like. It will always be growing and changing, and your opinion will always be welcome.

So that's about it for now...hope you've enjoyed the links. I could spend weeks going over these links. I have fully explored all of them yet. Never stop learning -- the journey is the goal!

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