Posted by A.T. on January 04, 1999 at 09:08:22:
In Reply to: Re: Re: now what?!? posted by Michele on December 28, 1998 at 11:56:31:
Hi Heather -
I was beginning to wonder if we had lost you on the page. I don't think I have anything to add to what has been said. I can understand your feeling and thoughts. What you say has been manifested in my wife's approach to me. Your comments have insight for a lot of us. I think you could apply the principles of DB to your situation and it can work. My wife read the book also. Her giving me a chance has paid off. We are slowly but surely inching our way back. You can too. I think she still has a lot of feelings that are like yours and I don't know how long it will take to deal with them. One positive sign is that you care enough to be troubled about this. If you didn't worry, I think there would be trouble. Translate the worry into action.
One small word of advice. I don't know if you would do this, but it might be worth saying. In the past my wife has wanted answers. When I gave her the answers, she didn't like my reasoning or believed there was another reason. She would argue that I wasn't giving her the true reason -- then she would tell my why I did what I did. Frequently her reasoning was incorrect. She wouldn't drop it until I agreed that she was right about why I did what I did. The big downside to this is now she uses my agreement as a weapon to argue about the what and the why. Sadly I just agree because she would accept no other answer.
If he offers answers, let him tell it in his way. If you want clarification, ask questions, but don't preconceive the answers. I always told my wife the truth, but her preconceptions were worse than the reality. If he does come back, know that he means it. I know I do! I hope this makes some sense.
Hoping you feel some peace,
A.T.