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Big Brother

10 | 13 | 2000
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News Photo House Guests Hit Bottom
Brother, can you spare a square?

--Day 71

The House Guests had run out of toilet paper. The twelve-pack purchased on last Friday's grocery order seems to have vaporized, even though a dozen rolls had previously been enough to keep eight House Guests in cottony soft comfort for the entire week. When the quilted crises was discovered, the group, with their collective undies in a bunch, cried foul.

After a powwow to consolidate their argument, Jamie went into the Red Room to explain that the culprit was not a lack of foresight but a change in brands. They had specifically requested a particular brand on the shopping list, but they were given a less hearty substitute. Big Brother said they should have complained at the time of the delivery. "It is your house, and you guys should keep track of your stuff."

Jamie left the Red Room without getting the answer any of them wanted. She told the others that she had "argued," but she hadn't been very forceful. The news was greeted with a syncopated chorus of "us against them!"

George assured them they could use paper towels, which they'd already started clipping into squares at the picnic table. He also said that plumbers often test a toilet's flushing power by wrapping toilet paper around their hands five or six times, then flushing the paper bomb to evaluate the suction.

The group, which still had $40 remaining from the $100 bill found in the garden on day 2, were given the option of using all of that money for an emergency grocery order. The catch was that they would have to spend the entire amount on a gargantuan shipment of toilet paper.

Jamie trotted into the men's bedroom where Eddie was sleeping with the urgent news that the group decided to cut up paper towels into little squares rather than order $40 worth of toilet paper.

Eddie seemed unconcerned. "I'd take a s*** in the compost pile and use the hose."

Jamie returned to the Red Room. She told Big Brother that, as a group, they decided that there was very little chance of winning the weekly juggling challenge. They were going to save the extra $40 for emergency food, not emergency toilet paper. He informed her the plumbing system was too delicate to flush paper towels, and if they had to call a plumber it would be subtracted from the budget just as the vet bill had been.

"If it's any consolation, you're not alone," Big Brother told her. Other houses had been down this road before. One house had even gone a week "without."

"Without going?" Jamie asked.

Big Brother was silent.

"Any advice?" Jamie asked.

"Good luck," said Big Brother.
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