HIV and AIDS: The Global Inter-Connection

WE ARE OUR OWN WORST ENEMIES

 By Godfrey Sealey

 During the early part of the last decade, when the world was just beginning to wake up to the threat of HIV, we in Trinidad were in the later stages of the oil boom years. As one politician proudly announced, money was not a problem for our nation, and neither was anything else, it seemed. When the first cases of AIDS were diagnosed here in 1983, all were among gay men, and everyone, including other gays, assumed that this was just an obscure disease that would not affect them. We all believed that the good times of the oil boom were here to stay, and in the midst of this euphoria society became slightly more tolerant toward homosexuals. Because homosexuality was, and still is, against the law, homosexuals were discrete about their social interaction. But even though the gay scene was not public, there was always something going on. We had gay night clubs in Port of Spain and held frequent private parties where homosexuals could socialize freely.

As long as a person does not flaunt their sexual orientation, society will usually ignore what they do not consider the norm, but the pressure to convert or conform, though often subtle, is unremitting. In Trinidad, even in the best of times, homosexuality is looked upon as an abomination. Anyone considered to be so inclined is condemned as a sinner of the highest order. Gay persons, when confronted, are often asked whether or not they believe in God. The hope is that the answer will be no, because that would supply sufficient reason for their homosexuality. Regardless of the answer, a campaign will be launched to save you. The Bible is quoted, religious literature and prayer are offered, and you are urged to attend church. These attempts at conversion are so intense that many people succumb, sometimes temporarily, in fear of ostracism from peers and under threat of eternal damnation.

Our society is so homophobic that openness and honesty about one's sexuality can lead to victimization on the job or being expelled from the home, in a society where most unmarried young people live with their parents. In some instances gays have even had their lives threatened by their own parents.

Human sexuality is not a topic that is discussed publicly in this society. As children we were never taught about sex by our parents or our teachers; most of us learned from books, films, conversations with others, or by experimenting. As a result, many adults are unable to fully express themselves sexually without feeling guilty or risking censure. People do not explore the potential of lovemaking. The prime focus of sex, more often than not, is penetration. Gays rarely have a true understanding of their sexual orientation and do not assert themselves. Instead, homosexuality remains unaccepted by society and is not deemed a serious issue that should be addressed.

It should not be surprising then that gays in Trinidad consider themselves to be second-class citizens. They inflict this added burden upon themselves because of a belief that they must make amends for their perceived inadequacy. Many gay people think that their homosexuality is temporary and that they will change once it is time to settle down and have children. Regardless of how often their settling down is postponed, the idea that "they will not always be like this" remains.

An example comes to mind: I was speaking to a friend who has sexual relationships with men. Normally he keeps a very low profile, but these activities occur during carnival, the one time he allows himself the freedom of sexual expression. While talking about what he desired from life, he labeled the desires that he has for men a slackness, a vice. In spite of his pleasurable experiences with them, he declared his intention to reform and take on "the responsibility of a man" by the year's end. He believed his homosexuality was immature behaviour and that heterosexual activity was part of his coming of age.

It is in the midst of this climate of ignorance, ambivalence, misinformation, guilt, self-delusion, homophobia, and intrigue that the gay person tries to survive. Given their

fear of becoming a pariah and the general reluctance of Trinidadians to discuss sexual behaviour, it is little wonder that even in the face of HIV, gays are reluctant to step forward to address the issue. Instead they remain silent, in spite of the fact that currently many of those dying from the disease here are homosexuals.

In recent years I have seen what this silence, denial, and fear have done to friends. I watched as people denied their sexuality. I witnessed many friends who were dying of HIV-related illnesses refuse to acknowledge that they had the disease and refuse offers of support and assistance. This denial often placed their friends in the untenable position of remaining silent while knowing that their friends and families are uninformed of their own exposure to the disease. With respect for their privacy, I have changed all of their names.

A few years ago a friend, who had always been very fat, started to lose weight. He claimed to be dieting, but after noticing some dark spots on his arms and his upper body I began to question him. Bill, who was a psychiatric nurse, brushed my questions aside annoyed that I would challenge his medical expertise. He continued to lose weight but still refused to discuss his health. Weeks later he telephoned my lover and asked him to visit, but even then all he said was that he was contemplating suicide. Bill died in the hospital a few days later, alone, and still in possession of his secret. His burial arrangements were handled in silence and no one knew where or when his funeral took place. To the best of my knowledge he never informed any of his former partners of their exposure to HIV.

When rumors began to circulate that Paul, an old schoolmate, had AIDS, he withdrew from all social activity. I visited him to offer my advice or support, but he steadfastly denied any illness. Months passed and I heard nothing from or about Paul. I attempted to find him, but no one seemed to know where he was. After an extensive search, I finally located him in the hospital. When Paul died, his friends wondered if they could have done more, but he had chosen to allow the virus to take control of his life and refused our offers of support.

Too often the threat of public disclosure is more frightening than the disease itself. John had always been a popular person on the gay scene. He was affectionately referred to as "Mother," and had a reputation for hosting many vibrant parties. When John started to lose weight and gradually began growing weak, I became concerned about my friend's health. I thought that if there was one person he would be honest with, it would be me. Unfortunately, I was mistaken. Because of his fear that disclosure would lead to scandal, John concocted a story to lead people off the track. Suddenly he claimed he had a history of lung problems. When that was insufficient, he furnished what was purported to be a medical report proving that he was not HIV positive. In spite of numerous attempts to assist him, he refused to budge and died without ever admitting that he had AIDS.

As distressing as I found John's attitude to be, what happened when a very dear friend of mine became ill was far more disturbing. We had known each other for years and I truly cherished his friendship. We worked in the theater together. In fact he was the person who christened me with a stage name that has stuck to this day. Tim was a professional window dresser and costume designer. He was a very talented young man with a bright future ahead of him.

Tim and his lover Joe had been together for a number of years. The fact that Joe had a wife and children did not seem to hamper the relationship. To avoid suspicion and give the impression that he was straight, Tim began to dissociate himself from his previous circle of friends and developed a relationship with a woman. We spoke on numerous occasions about his relationships with Joe and his girlfriend. We talked about the effect it would have on the woman. Whenever the subject of HIV arose, Tim, who was paranoid about the disease, refused to discuss it.

After months without any communication between us, Tim telephoned me. He said that he had been losing weight for no particular reason and was very worried. I think he was most afraid that his new circle of straight friends would suspect that he might have contracted HIV and begin to question his sexuality. During our conversation I suggested that he get tested for HIV but Tim was not prepared to do at that time. He said that he would telephone me if he had a change of heart or needed some advice. Then Tim told me that his girlfriend was pregnant.

For weeks I heard nothing from him. Months later when I found out that Tim was bedridden, I visited him immediately. When I saw him I could not believe my eyes. He was in the terminal stage of the illness and had already been hospitalized. His girlfriend who had recently given birth, visited him daily but was uninformed about the true nature of his condition.

During the earlier stages Tim insinuated that he suffered from a "spirit lash," an evil curse which had been cast upon him by an enemy. His mother who held very strong spiritual beliefs took the bait and tried to find spiritual cures for her son's ailments. When she realized that none of these cures were working, the ultimate solution was indeed hospitalization. Tim's girlfriend did not believe the spirit lash story and waited to find out the truth. The truth, however, was never revealed. Tim went to his grave never having spoken to her about his sexual orientation, his previous lifestyle, nor about Joe being his lover. To this day she knows nothing and continues to be friendly with Joe.

After Tim's death everything seemed to return to normal. I did not pursue the issues surrounding Tim's death because I believe that it is Joe's responsibility to inform both his wife and Tim's girlfriend about their exposure to the disease. Though I am very concerned about for the welfare of both women, I have not spoken with Joe to address the ethics of the situation but I intend to do so soon. I know that Joe does not wish to admit that he had a sexual affair with a man and that such a disclosure, in his mind, far outweighs the dangers of HIV.

Ours is a country where silence and denial is a preferred choice because it keeps scandal and confusion at bay. Knowing this, I would not be surprised if Joe's wife either refused to believe his confession of brushed the issue off. She might tell Joe not to tell anyone and reassure him that everything is all right. Like many other women, she may reject her husband's homosexuality or bisexuality, and she will assume that her womanhood will convert him to heterosexuality.

At a party a few months ago, I was talking to a friend who has been experiencing chest pains recently. I am certain that he is HIV positive but he will not entertain the thought. We began to discuss his love life and he informed me that he was having an affair with a married man. We talked about sex and he eventually told me that his partner does not like to use condoms. I reminded him that a condom was necessary as a precautionary method against the transmission of HIV but he refused to believe that there was a reason for him to practice safer sexual relations. As far as he was concerned, because the man was married and not active on the gay scene, this meant he must be "clean."

I found his attitude quite disturbing and indeed very selfish. Not only was my friend deluding himself in terms of his lover's prior sexual contacts, but he was not taking his own sexual history into account and considering the possible danger that he might pose to his lover and his lover's wife. In fact, he claimed that they were in love and had nothing to worry about, as if it were true that love conquers all.

People are so insecure about their sexual orientation that they will go to absurd lengths to prove that they are not what others think they are, regardless of whether it is true or not. They are constantly hiding behind a mask, trying to fit into a society that abhors homosexuality. They lie to themselves and believe that by working doubly hard, by overcompensating, they will be loved and respected just like any other members of our society. To avoid being ridiculed, some try whenever possible to associate with heterosexuals.

When HIV first appeared and seemed to be affecting only homosexuals, it was popularly assumed to be a curse from God sent to eradicate an evil from the world. The police who had long maintained a vendetta against gays used the advent of HIV as justification for reinforcing long-standing prejudices. As a result, local parks which serve as meeting places for homosexuals, especially the poor, are now closed at night. Men found in the park after hours have been harassed or beaten by the police. Many gays feel helpless to take recourse against this behaviour, therefore, there is little outcry.

Current public education efforts are focused exclusively on the heterosexual segment of society. Information which is relevant to the needs of gay men must be disseminated but, because of the stigma attached to homosexuality, there has been a great deal of procrastination on the part of the authorities. Homosexuals need to know that isolation is unnecessary, and that there are people who are concerned about their well-being.

Although HIV focus-group sessions have been organized by non-governmental organizations to fulfil the needs of homosexuals in this country, the government is doing little to follow-up on these sessions. Intense homophobia and the fear of appearing to condone homosexuality have prevented the National AIDS Programme from creating desperately needed information for the gay community. As a result, the responsibility of providing information to gays has been taken on by a few individuals, who must constantly monitor the actions of the National AIDS Programme.

The only information available to homosexuals is via word of mouth, the HIV Clinic, and the National AIDS Hotline. But very few persons, gay or heterosexual, seek or properly utilize these sources. Instead, most persons who have contracted HIV, especially gay people, prefer to remain silent about their health. Even when gay men go to the clinic, many refuse to identify themselves as homosexuals, and thus the information they receive is not always relevant to their lifestyles. Gays who telephone the hotline follow a similar pattern, asking questions in a roundabout fashion rather than identifying their specific needs.

In communities where spirituality plays a major role in the lives of the population, it is uncertain what effect prevention programmes will have. Many leave their problems to the will of God or have visions for curing illnesses. In a country like ours where there is no organized treatment programme, people consider themselves fortunate to have such alternatives.

Yet another problem is that people do not easily discuss their sexual habits, particularly if they are from a middle-class background. The gay community in Trinidad and Tobago, as in nearly every other community in this part of the world, operates as part of a larger, strict class structure. Middle-class gays generally avoid associating with gays from the lower class. To some extent, HIV in Trinidad has served to deepen class divisions because the majority of those dying from HIV-related illnesses are working-class or poor gay men. As a result, people tend to associate the disease with the lower economic class and their supposedly wanton sexual habits. Many upper-class gays believe that HIV happens only to "them," the drag queens and boys who meet each other in the parks.

Getting gays to consider themselves first-class citizens has become an even tougher task now that HIV and AIDS are a reality. Attempts have been made, by a few homosexuals, to make gay people more conscious not only of their rights, but of the virus and the disease as well. These individuals have taken on the task of educating others about responsible sexual relationships, safer sex practices, and they are also providing information about the disease. To prevent HIV transmission, condoms are distributed at parties. But there is still too much resistance to change. Some complain about the condom, claiming they find it uncomfortable, that it breaks, or that it diminishes sexual satisfaction. Others feel that because they do not have sex with popular people, they are safe. They truly believe that they do not need to use condoms because they know their partners. Macho gays think that they could never be vulnerable to HIV.

The ill and dying are faceless: we do not know who they are, and society really does not seem to care. When death strikes someone from the middle or upper class, one is told that they succumbed to a more acceptable disease from which they had been suffering for years. They often just seem to disappear and sometimes one hears that they moved without leaving a forwarding address. If it is public knowledge that a gay man died of AIDS, he is buried with little or no respect. The unsolemn affair is usually a hurried cremation which is done secretly to avoid publicity.

At the heart of the lack of response to the epidemic by Trinidad's already fragile and fragmented small gay community is a sense of helplessness. HIV caught them unawares and they were not prepared to take any action against it. Lacking reliable information sources about the disease, many concluded that the only solution was to completely withdraw from the gay scene, or at least appear to do so. HIV was looked upon as something shameful and subject to ridicule, and anyone suspected of being infected with the virus was immediately scorned. This has become a popular tactic to divert suspicion away from those doing the ridiculing.

In what has long been a recurring pattern among homosexuals, many believe they must expose others in order to protect themselves. The sad fact is that many of us do not trust one another and this is why we have not become a true unified community. In the best of times this creates an environment of deception and self-delusion but with the advent of HIV in Trinidad and Tobago it becomes a deadly crisis. Gays already are not represented on the national level. If we do not organize into a cohesive group with common goals, issues relating to our lives and survival in the face of HIV will not be addressed by government or society.

Many go to great lengths to dissociate themselves from anyone even vaguely suspected of being HIV positive. Public gatherings of homosexuals have become less frequent. People have shown little or no compassion for their peers who are living with HIV, reflecting in part a morbid fear of the disease itself, but more than that, a fear of being exposed as a homosexual. This paranoia is so extreme that many have refused to visit their closest friends who have been diagnosed with AIDS. Those who succumb to the illness often deny, even to their closest friends, that they are dying. Ironically, many blame themselves for becoming infected and see HIV as their punishment.

Their fear of being discovered has prompted many gays with HIV to concoct the most hairbrained stories to divert suspicion. Thus the blame is redirected away from the infected person, and there is no more nasty business about homosexuality and HIV. Unfortunately, this scenario serves to hide the problems we must identify and acknowledge to confront HIV rationally.

Gays have been trying to foster monogamous unions, and couples often use condoms in the early stages of their relationship. But as their love deepens the resolve to use condoms diminishes. When lovers are comfortable with each other, the assumption is that there is no need to worry about anything. The possibility of HIV infection succumbs to the pleasures of romantic love.

Obviously programmes are needed that inform the gay community about HIV and its prevention. What is needed most of all, though, is a sense of unity and a greater understanding of ourselves and our sexuality. I would hope that in the near future the gay community would see fit to demand the right to adequate information and treatment and also realize the need for unification in the battle for acceptance of self and respect from society at large. We have to come to the realization that we are our own best support. In times like these we need to come together to support and care for our mutual needs. This is indeed going to be a difficult task but unless it is achieved we will end up being a key contributors to our own self-destruction. Unless people begin to acknowledge their sexuality and behaviour openly, they will put ever-increasing numbers of others at risk.


Godfrey Sealey is a playwright and HIV activist living in Trinidad and Tobago. He wrote the first Caribbean play about AIDS, One of Our Sons is Missing. His AIDA, the Wicked Wench of the World, a pantomime in the carnival genre addressing HIV and discrimination, was performed at the Fifth International Conference on AIDS in Montreal in 1989.

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