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Was I Born to Be This Way ?
The Thoughts of a Muslim Gay In An Oppressed Society
by Mel Ayu ( our Malaysian correspondant)
Being gay and a Muslim (and worse still, living in an oppressed society) means always being in such a confused state of mind. Any Muslim man knows that being gay is a NO-NO in Muslim society. Gays are condemned for a one-way ticket to hell ! On the other hand, he knows his sexual tendencies so where does he seek help? There is no such thing as a gay Muslim priest for therapy, or one to turn to for help. So it ends up that he lives in a deep closet. Either he is satisfied with only fantasies and make believes, or to cover up his true personality by a marriage of convenience and lead a secret double life.
A closeted gay Muslim is probably no different from any other closeted gay person in the world. Fears of being "exposed" to society, friends and family are fundamentally the same. Being in a strongly conservative religion, a closeted gay Muslim has a terrible traumatic conflict with one's beliefs. Especially if one was brought up in a religious family. You strongly believe in your faith, and practice what this faith asks you to do: regular prayers, fasting and so forth. You also believe what your faith tells you about gay sex and gay relationships: they are a great sin and you must stay away from it. There is that stigma that if
". . . being gay is a
NO - NO in Muslim society, . . .
a one-way ticket to hell !
ever you committed to any form of gay activities, all your good deeds called by your faith would go down the drain and you are condemned to hell. And yet, you can't understand it, because, you recognize what you are, and how could you be condemned to hell for what you were made to be. It is so confused in this closet.
I have fully recognized and fully accepted myself as being gay. I do not get turned on by women at all, no matter how voluptuous. I have been to one famous striptease joint in Houston called "Rick's Bar" which had really beautiful and very sensuous women but they did absolutely nothing to my little friend down there! If I had been to a male striptease place probably I would have been squirming in my seat!
There is that stigma,...
I am the last born, the youngest, and the only son in the family. I have 2 sisters ahead of me so you can imagine how pampered and what a spoilt brat I must have been. We lived in Singapore during the very early years of my life, before moving to Malaysia where my dad was transferred as part and parcel of his job at that time. Being the only boy in the family I was left on my own to be very much a loner. I never seemed to go out and play with the boys, instead I seemed to make friends with girls much more easily.
I could not understand why. Ever since I could remember I had realized my sexual inclination/affinity towards my same gender . In other words, right from when I was a very young child. Of course, at that age I did not know what sex was all about. It was really more of this magnetic attraction to being held and cuddled by big muscular figures of a man such as Tarzan!
Finally, the big day came and I had my very first ejaculation. My very first explosion of the semen was a result of an imaginary romance with a man, in my little boy's bed. Of course, I was quite scared and did not understand why it was milky and why was there a current of energy drained through my body. I told my mum about it (but of course, I never told her how it came about) and she said that I was growing up and that was all part of me becoming a man.
". . .this magnetic attraction to being held and cuddled by big muscular figures of a man such as Tarzan !"
My parents did noticed my "softie" nature when I was a child. I never played with boys at home or at school, all my friends then were girls, so they got quite worried. My dad transferred me from a co-ed primary school to an all-boys school and then I was selected to enroll into an "elite" all-boys full boarding school, a very famous school in Malaysia.
"The constant pressure from family, . . .
would just drive him to madness and
cries with no tears."
It is difficult to grow up and live being gay in this part of the world. Especially in a country where it is a complete taboo. The constant pressure from family, friends and peers wondering why an elderly guy still remains single sometimes would just drive him to madness and cries with no tears.
I grew up most of the time always thinking "Why am I like this?". Why my little friend could not respond when I look at the Playboy magazines, and instead it needed no help at all when I flip through the Playgirl magazines. Could it be because I was born with it, or could it be the environment I grew up in and the upbringing that nurtured my sexuality, or could it be a combination of both? Whatever the reason, I understand that being gay is to be branded as "abnormal" by Muslim society, even by the most "progressive" in Muslim society who make it appear as if an alternative gay lifestyle is okay to them.
I guessed the most feared feeling that a gay closeted Muslim would have is the fear of being "discovered" that he or she is gay. So much so, that total discretion is all important and would dare not appear in the public gay areas such as the gay bars. There is always this fear that you might bump into a nephew or an uncle there, or an office mate, or anyone that you know for that matter. If that happens, you would think that would be the end of this life.
What I can say here is food for thought to all the closeted Muslim gays. So what if you do bump into people you know at those places? Would you think that they would tell? Would they not also think to themselves, "If I tell, people would ask me the same question; what were you doing there?". People like us are very discreet about our lifestyles. So, truly, there is really nothing to fear. You will be surprised that, even if you do bump into say, a nephew, both of you will be so happy that you both can share your "secrets" together. You will feel so much more relieved that at least someone you already knew is in your "circle of friends" to confide with.
Why is it then it cannot be absorbed in the "norm" stream? Their reasoning boils down to nature. It is clear in nature that if homosexuality was the norm in any species that species would die out in a generation. Therefore homosexuality must, by their definition, be considered abnormal and contrary to the existence and continuation of any species.
Why is it then it cannot be absorbed into the "norm" stream ?
That is why they believe God forbids homosexuality. They refer to a story in the Koran which parallels the one in the Bible about Sodom and Gomorrah (Prophet Yusuf or Joseph, take your pick), whereby it came to a stage where all the men were attracted to their own gender that the women will never get to reproduce and the species will die out in time. As it has been mentioned in the Koran and the Bible, it means that homosexuality is not just a recent development of the person. It has been in existence for a long time, meaning that it could well have been in-born for some individuals. I understand that being gay is not an accepted thing in Muslim society, on the other hand, society just cannot blame me for not being able to be anything but gay.
"I like Abdul because he seems very friendly"
Even being closeted and very discreet with one's "secret" personality, sometimes, accidents do happen. I remember one incident that happened to me that caught me off guard. I was in a seminar, and it was an active participating seminar. During the "breaking of the ice" in the beginning of the seminar, each participant was supposed to say something about another participant, such as "I like Abdul because he seems very friendly".
So, when it came to my turn, without thinking ahead of me, I sort of automatically said, "I like Chris because I think he is cute". Oh boy! What a blunder I did. That was an immediate give-away of my flamboyancy. Everyone chuckled and the seminar mediator (a lady) had the cheek to ask me so openly in front of everybody, "Are you gay?".
"I like Chris because I think he is cute".
Gosh! Lucky for me, I was quite witty and I replied immediately, "Oh no! I am into animals". That certainly shut her up and everyone just burst into fits. Since then, I have learnt how to handle the situation if somehow, by accident, my flamboyancy shows.
The world of the Internet now has opened up a new spectrum and opportunities for the gay Muslims to "come out". I, for one, have never had the guts to "hang out" at gay bars to meet people like us, and I have missed out on feeling accepted amongst people like us. The Internet provides that initial encouragement. I found several Personals Ads and I started to communicate, just to learn and exchange thoughts with people who are already "out". I began to understand the experiences they went through so that I could prepare myself too, if I did "come out". Once comfort had been attained, the encouragement grew higher to communicate with those into gay sex, and finally the true sexuality gets into practice.
The Muslim law on gay sex is very stringent indeed and perhaps could be termed as "barbaric" to the Western world, who always seems to look at the Muslim world as barbaric nations. The Muslim law applies to Muslims only. For example, if I am caught with my pants down with a non-Muslim guy, if found guilty, I will be sentenced to 20 years in jail plus 5 strokes of the cane on my butt! But, my non-Muslim bed partner gets off scott free. It may sound serious indeed and the law does sound harsh, but, as harsh as the law sounds, it is fair enough to a point that it is very difficult to prove anyone of such offence.
". . . if found guilty, . . . will be sentenced to 20 years in jail plus 5 strokes of the cane on my butt !"
All the reason why, you have never heard of anyone being sentenced for the "crime" here before. Even, the current trial of the deposed Deputy PM for his alleged sodomy case will be a tough case for the district attorney office to prosecute. As weird as it may sound, the law says to prove that one has committed gay sex, you must have at least 4 eye witnesses who actually saw the act ! So, how in the world could one get 4 eye witnesses for that unless it was a set-up or you have some kinky voyeurs on a cheap thrill ride !
"I would have dug a hole right where I was when I said it and jumped into it ! "
Funny thing, you sometimes wonder how a certain event in history could change a society. The current case of Malaysia's deposed deputy Prime Minister (Anwar Ibrahim) on trial for sodomy caught the public eye domestically, as well as internationally. One would think or predict that such a blow in a Muslim society would get everyone rushing back into their closets for fear of the authorities. Surprisingly you see so much more of Malay/Muslim gays beginning to surface in the local gayscene. I guess people are more or less aware of the situation thinking "if a respected man in a high position does it then there is nothing wrong with me,".
So one can assume that it is okay after all. In fact, it is so okay that when I was at a "straight" bar recently the bartender asked me where was I going afterwards. Without any reservations I just said that I was going to the gay disco in a tone loud enough for anyone around to hear. I felt quite okay saying it now. If that had happened a year ago I would have dug a hole right where I was when I said it and jumped into it.
So, I can see that there is a little bit of "acceptance" and tolerance now in Muslim society in Malaysia. While the government will never support it openly, neither do they support the anti-gay activist groups. I believe the Muslim gays in Malaysia will do just fine in the years to come. Certainly I do not foresee any kind of a gay pride parade coming up soon, but there will be one on one fine day.
Comments or Questions ? Write to Mel_Ayu99@Hotmail.com
