The Fray Campaign 2000


These are the posts that inspired the thread.

16239. EricCartman1 - June 21, 1999 - 11:07 PM PT

Ace Message #16232:

Hell, if that's all it takes to get people to sit up and take notice, I'm in! I did drugs and banged a lot of chicks in college, and I know what's what. The only difference is my daddy didn't have connections. Plus, I'll readily admit to my various indiscretions. People say they come from the "school of hard knocks". Well, do you want a President who went to the same school or what?

The only drawback is I'm not quite old enough. But I turn 35 on Memorial Day 2002. How much more patriotic can you get? Do you want a President who cares? Vote Cartman in '00!

ERIC CARTMAN IN '00-- Because he says he cares.

16242. EricCartman1 - June 21, 1999 - 11:11 PM PT

Well, I have a baby face (I can't grow a full beard yet, and I'm 32), and I can rapier with the best of them (well, with the worst of them anyway), so I still should get your vote. Come on, what have you got to lose?

ERIC CARTMAN IN '00 -- Because he has a baby face.

16245. ACEofSPADES - June 21, 1999 - 11:18 PM PT

ACE of SPADES in '00-- Two hits: Ace hitting Cartman, and then Ace hitting Cartman again even harder.

16246. CalGal - June 21, 1999 -11:19 PM PT

Cart vs. Ace

Now there's a match with some personality!

...

 

16247. ACEofSPADES - June 21, 1999 - 11:21 PM PT

ACE of SPADES in '00: Ace will put Cartman in a dress and take him out dancing.

16248. EricCartman1 - June 21, 1999 - 11:26 PM PT

Ace:

My 18-year-old brother could kick your sorry ass and make you his bitch! I don't even need to get involved, fortunately for you.

Cartman's actual size: 6'2", 220#, extremely aggressive after a 6-pack.

In Jexster terminology, Ace -- R U SURE U CAN TAKE ME?

16249. EricCartman1 - June 21, 1999 - 11:29 PM PT

Ace:

There will be no more "True Lies"! You will be Tom Arnold to my Ahnold Schwarzenegger, fool!

ERIC CARTMAN IN '00 -- Because he can kick Ace's ass.

16250. ACEofSPADES - June 21, 1999 - 11:29 PM PT

Ace's actual size: 5'10", 180, is not afraid of Cartman's sloshing beer belly or his kid brother. Will slap both of them silly, throw them in tasteless dresses, and rent them out to visiting foreign businessmen.

VOTE FOR ACE

He will silly-slap Cartman and his brother into forced prostitution.

16251. ACEofSPADES - June 21, 1999 - 11:36 PM PT

Ace's position on Poverty: "I will bend Cartman into a pretzel-like shape, dip him in brown mustard, and feed his beer-soaked ass to the poor"

Ace's position on Abortion: "I will eliminate the need for abortions by injecting men with Cartmanex and rendering them functional eunucs"

Ace's position on Defense: "I need no defense against a crybaby wussyman like Cartman. I will grab both of his mantis-thin arms and force him to slap himself in the face, saying 'Don't hit yourself, Cartman, why are you hitting yourself,' and then I will hang him up by his underpants from the Washington Monument."

VOTE FOR ACE

He will make Cartman his First Lady.

16252. EricCartman1 - June 21, 1999 - 11:40 PM PT

Ace:

By your miniscule size I can conclusively say: you are my bitch. Some of it's beer, but not as much as you think. Either way, I plan on punking you out to the bruthas. They likes feisty, and you be a feisty one. Shit, even my brother is bigger than you (6'1", 170#). I think even my *mom* could beat the shit out of you.

ERIC CARTMAN IN '00 -- Because Ace is a pussy.

16253. ACEofSPADES - June 21, 1999 - 11:42 PM PT

VOTE FOR ACE

He has enough testosterone to grow a beard.

16254. ACEofSPADES - June 21, 1999 - 11:43 PM PT

VOTE FOR ACE

He had sex with Cartman's Mom.

16256. CalGal - June 21, 1999 -11:45 PM PT

Vote Independent--elect CalGal in 2000!

5'4, 125, and she'll have *both* her opposition candidates right where she wants them--bareassed and bedbound, begging for mercy.

 

16258. ACEofSPADES - June 21, 1999 - 11:46 PM PT

VOTE FOR ACE

He will put both Cartman and CalGal into Clown-suits and make them part of his perverse Sexual Circus.

16259. EricCartman1 - June 21, 1999 - 11:47 PM PT

Cartman's position on poverty: "When you're a poor crack whore like Ace's mom, life pretty much has bottomed out. I want to change that, 'cause Ace deserves to grow up away from his crack whore mom. Like with his speed freak dad, for instance. At least that motherfucker works, unlike his lazy-ass mom."

Cartman's position on abortion: (Holds up picture of Ace) "Can you see what's wrong people? Stop fuckin', or else you might have one o' these!!!"

Cartman's position on defense: "Is there any country in the world that can kick our ass? I think not!"

16260. CalGal - June 21, 1999 -11:49 PM PT

Ha, ha. These are great.

16261. EricCartman1 - June 21, 1999 - 11:50 PM PT

ERIC CARTMAN IN '00 -- Because he has enough testosterone to make Ace his bitch (and toss his salad).

16262. ACEofSPADES - June 21, 1999 - 11:51 PM PT

and I enroll my first "Negative Ad" against Cartman:

ON SCREEN: A harshly-lit black and white picture of Cartman's alcohol-bloated face

NARRATIVE: Eric Cartman. Just... *look* at him.

Paid for by the Committee to Elect Ace.

16263. ACEofSPADES - June 21, 1999 - 11:52 PM PT

"enroll"? UNVEIL!

16264. ACEofSPADES - June 21, 1999 - 11:56 PM PT

Next Negative Ad...

ON SCREEN: Harsh black and white photo of Cartman, grinning like a retarded monkey

NARRATIVE: Eric Cartman claims he could "beat Ace up." But what are the facts?

ON SCREEN: Newspaper headline stating, "Beat Ace up? Cartman couldn't beat Ace *off*!"

NARRATIVE: But Cartman couldn't beat Ace off.

ON SCREEN: Cartman's grinning face morphs into him crying like a bitch

NARRATIVE: Vote for Ace. Cartman Couldn't Beat Ace off.

Paid for by the Committee to Elect Ace.

16265. EricCartman1 - June 22, 1999 - 12:08 AM PT

ON SCREEN: Still photo of Ace waiting patiently outside a theater for "Phantom Menace" to start. Man on edge of photo is holding up newspaper dated February 27th. Tents are visible in photo.

NARRATIVE: Is *this* what we want? A goddamn GEEK running this country?

ON SCREEN: Ace is being led out of the Viper Room by Billy Barty, who seems to be quite a bit larger than Our Hero. Ace seems extremely pickled.

NARRATIVE: Is this what we want leading our great nation, an undersized wannabe with no ability to suck down a beer and relate to the common man? Is this what we REALLY WANT?

ON SCREEN: Ace, visibly embarrassed, pulls out of Sarah Michelle Gellar, noticeably limp, all 1¼" of him. "This has never happened to me before", Ace whines plaintively.

NARRATIVE: Is this what America wants? An impotent pussy?

ERIC CARTMAN IN '00 -- He's got dick to spare.

16266. ACEofSPADES - June 22, 1999 - 12:18 AM PT

OVER A BLACK SCREEN: Eric Cartman has been spreading some very nasty lies about Ace lately. But what do we know about *Cartman's* past?

FADE UP on a six geeky, spindly losers at a library table, the young ERIC CARTMAN holding five twenty sided dice and consulting the DUNGEON MASTER'S GUIDE

YOUNG CARTMAN (shrilly giggling): And now my Half-Elf Brandlebras smites the evil Orc chieftain!

FADE DOWN, and then begin FADING UP AGAIN, rhythmic like a heartbeat...

NARRATIVE: He says that was all a "youthful indiscretion."

FADE UP now on the ADULT ERIC CARTMAN, beer in one hand, crackpipe in the other, now consulting the DUNGEON MASTER'S GUIDE, THIRD EDITION.

ADULT ERIC CARTMAN (shrill giggle): And now my eighteenth level Sorceror throws a fireball at the giant Hyenas!!!

NARRATIVE: *Youthful* Indiscretion? Is this the kind of... *mutant* we want leading our country?

VOTE FOR ACE

He hasn't played Dungeons and Dragons in twenty years.

Paid for by the Committee to Elect Ace.

16267. EricCartman1 - June 22, 1999 - 12:40 AM PT

[From the Fray's own "News of the Day" thread]

"11782. ACEofSPADES - June 20, 1999 - 10:41 PM PT

I'm afraid of the inscrutable Chinese. They're all sly and they have magical powers, like Elves."

Hmmm....so, is Our Hero Ace a racist, or a good old-fashioned liar? After all, how could he remember such arcane Dungeons & Dragons data after twenty years, unless...he's lying?

ON SCREEN: Ace, rapt in front of his PC monitor, one hand on his mouse, the other on his....uh, trouser rat, if you will. He is positively rapt in his attention to the new implants of jailbait songstress Britney Spears.

NARRATIVE: Do we want this sort of *pervert* in the White House? How could he live up to the name that the current occupant has made for American society?

ON SCREEN: Ace is at yet another Star Trek convention, again with his damned Spock ears. He asks guest speaker William Shatner some inane question about some episode or other.

SHATNER: You know, I've been to a lot of conventions around the country, and I've met a lot of people, and I have just one thing to say -- get a life, will you, people? [Looks at Ace] How old are you -- thirty? Have you ever kissed a girl? [Ace looks at floor, crestfallen]

NARRATIVE: A man who can't get laid! A....*mini-man* who lives through his superheroes! Is this what America *really* wants for President?

ERIC CARTMAN IN '00 -- Because he gets laid. Frequently.

16268. Wombat - June 22, 1999 - 8:10 AM PT

You guys are killin' me!

16271. 109109 - June 22, 1999 -11:00 AM PT

SLOW FADE. A jittery, pathetic, and grizzled man, unshaven, sit on a city block, rattling a tin cup.

HOMELESS MAN: Can you spare some change?

The throng passes, failing to notice his pleas.

HOMELESS MAN: I said, could you spare some change?

The crowds continue by as if he did not exist. Suddenly, the vagrant jumps up and throttles a young slim professional woman. As he shakes her violently, the buttons of her blouse pop open to reveal ample bosom. She is helpless in his grasp.

HOMELESS MAN: NOTICE ME! GIVE ME CHANGE! Feel THE LASH! EAT MY RUNNY . . . .

Gunshots interrupt the derelict's verbal assault. The back of his head explodes and the now partially dress young woman scurries away.

HOMELESS MAN (gasping): What did U do that 4?

ENTER ACE OF SPADES. He is holding a semi-automatic handgun.

ACE: "Hello. My name is Ace of Spades and I want to be your President. I just bought this gun at a gun show. Took me 3 minutes. And I was headed to the Meadowlands to take out Kerry Collins when I noticed that vagrant - now dead -assaulting the plum little peach. So I shot him. That is the kind of swift, violent action you can expect during an Ace of Spades presidency.

ZOOM UP AND OUT.

16286. 109109 - June 22, 1999 -1:30 PM PT

SCANDAL ROCKS THE CARTMAN CAMPAIGN

Nashua, New Hampshire

The joyous celebration of a New Hampshire primary win over conventional wisdom's front-runner Ace of Spades quickly dimmed to nervous quietitude as photographs of EricCartman1 were released by unnamed sources to the media. The photographs, which appear to depict Cartman in sexual contact with another man, have threatened to sink the candidacy of a dark-horse centrist who had gained momentum quickly and with spellbinding efficiency.

"If that's him," one unnamed source close to the Cartman campaign commented, "then we're sunk. Allegations of bizarre interest in Star Trek conventions kind of pale in comparison to this stuff."

At time of press, the Cartman campaign had no comment on the photographs.

The Ace of Spades campaign, however, issued a press release in response to the story, stating that the candidate and his family were praying for the Cartmans in "this hour of need."

Meanwhile, rumors abound that the San Francisco Chronicle is preparing to print an interview with Cartman's paramour in the photographs. The man, like Cartman, is featured in various sexual positions in the photographs and the Associated Press has identified him as Jexster Colossus, an idiosyncratic habitant of California. According to the A.P. wire story, Mr. Colossus is a veteran of Capitol Hill and has a previous criminal record.

Mr. Colossus has not spoken publicly on the issues, altough his telephone answering machine contains an angry message: "Before the War I said it; during the war I trumpeted it, and now the LATimes confirms it. Feel the Lash, Paco."

16303. EricCartman1 - June 22, 1999 - 1:49 PM PT

My fellow Americans....

[Wagging finger sternly and paternally] I want to say one thing, and be perfectly clear -- I did not have sex with that man, Mr. Colossus. My campaign has received several possible leads on who could be spreading such vicious and hurtful untruths, which are terribly damaging to my wife and pets.

One lead points to my good friend AceOfSpades' campaign advisor, Paco Nueve, aka "Niner". My sources inform me that Mr. Niner is an unctuous cross between Dick Morris and Ricky Martin, or perhaps Dick Morris and Paul Rodriguez. Mr. Niner has been a well-known partner at the tobacco-defense law team at Dewey, Cheatham, and Howe for many years. He has risen steadily from the ambulance-chasing division, through whiplash representation, and briefly headed Ross Perot's "dirty tricks" team. He also supplements his income by providing the voice for the Taco Bell chihuahua.

So I implore you, friends n' neighbors, to consider the likely source of these ugly and untrue rumors. I have met with Mr. Colossus very briefly, but only to exchange a Chico Escuela rookie baseball card for my good friend AceOfSpades, whom I will punk out shortly, to finance my campaign. If you look closely at the photos Mr. Niner speaks of, they merely show myself and Mr. Colossus meeting in a restaurant, me handing the Escuela card over to Colossus, and he handing the pink slip for Ace's ass over to me.

May God bless and protect this great nation of ours.

16310. 109109 - June 22, 1999 - 2:01 PM PT

"HE LEFT ME FOR RESPECTABILITY" SAYS FORMER CARTMAN PARAMOUR

Dennis Padron

The San Francisco Chronicle

His robe is faded, but his voice is strong. Jexster Colossus may be down on his luck, but he wants everyone to know that he is not down for the count.

"Look, I could have gone to the Star or the Globe and said 'Hey, buddy, f*** you and feel the lash', you know? But, it was some time ago and now that he wants to be Mr. Hormel and all, well, fine, I said. He left me for respectability."

These are his first words to this reporter, and the first public statements of local fixture and a now-national figure, the alleged lover of the the New Hampshire primary winner.

"Yes, I have my issues, but they are my issues," Colossus told me in our brief 8 minute chat, significant portions of which are produced here:

QUESTION: Is that EricCartman in those pictures?

COLOSSUS: Look, Feel the lash, alright. You can check out an ass like any man. You tell me?

QUESTION: Do you know Cartman?

COLOSSUS: I knew him. Once.

QUESTION: How do you feel about being thrust into the national spotlight?

COLOSSUS: I've been in the national spotlight, Paco? You dig? You think I needed this to be recognized? You know Keegan? No. I didn't think so. Well, I know Keegan.

QUESTION: Will you accept money for your story?

COLOSSUS: Sh**. I almost forgot. Where's money, bitch? You can fork over some dough or you can eat my runny sh**. Feel the lash.

At that point in the interview, the Chronicle informed Mr. Colossus that it did not pay for interviews. In an angry fit, Colossus stormed from his apartment and ran down the street as photographs and the national press scurried to ask questions and take photographs.

16311. ACEofSPADES - June 22, 1999 - 2:03 PM PT

WOLF BLITZER: Can you comment upon Governor Cartman's recent imbroglio?

ACE: Well, first of all, Wolf, Ah've got to tell ya I don't know what an "imbroglio" is. (Laughter from press corps.) Lessin' it's a nickname for the chicken dish my FEMALE wife Mabel makes. (More laughs.)

(leans into microphone, seriously): But I want to say this: My heart goes out to the Cartman family. I know how hard it must be for his family, what with these filthy escapades he's involved in. I'm sorry-- allegedly involved in. And I want to assure the American people that no one-- and I'm going to say this just one more time -- no one in my organization had anything to do with this.

That's not the way we practice politics where I come from, where I was born, in a town called Charity.

Now, I know some of you in the press we're askin about my FEMALE wife Mabel's cookie recipies. I know you all liked the white chocolate tollhouses, specially. I brought some copies of the recipies and-- Sam, you mind, big guy? Yeah, just pass them around.

Anyway, that's all I have to say about this sad, sad, horrible, filthy bestial issue. Good day.

16313. vonKreedon - June 22, 1999 - 2:07 PM PT

REPORTER: Mr. Spade, what do have to say to the fact that your partner, Mr. Niner, is seen interviewing Mr. Jester in Message #16310 under an assumed name? Does this not directly contradict your claim that no one from your campaign is involved in Mr. Cartman's recent problems?

16314. ACEofSPADES -June 22, 1999 - 2:11 PM PT

Uhhhm... thanks Mr. Vonkers. But let me just say-- first off--that I intend to conduct a thorough internal investigation of that allegation, and I intend to have the facts in all y'all's hands, sooner, rather than later.

But let me also point out, Mr. Vonkers, that I think Mr. Niner is a very respectable, nonpartisan reporter, in the tradition of Sidney Blumenthal and Eleanor Clift.

Next question?

 

6315. ACEofSPADES - June 22, 1999 - 2:14 PM PT

(PS: I don't think Niner's a reporter; he's a campaign manager. In real life he's writing up the stories, but in the "campaign" I think he's my dirt-digger, not an actual reporter.

But I'm sort of confused myself.

Mr. Niner, do you have the facts this gentleman is asking about?)

16316. Wombat - June 22, 1999 -2:15 PM PT

Mr. Ace:

It has been reported that several months ago you boasted that you were stuffing foreign objects--balloons--up your a...anal orifice. Do you deny this? What sort of example does this set for our youth? Umm...Mr. Ace, you seem to be rather light on your feet right now, and getting lighter...do you have balloons up your a** right now?

16317. 109109 - June 22, 1999 -2:15 PM PT

I can answer that. Mr. Spades has a fundraiser to attend.

First, your allegation is absurd. Dennis Padron is a respected reporter for the Chronicle. Second, I did not hop into bed with a lunatic and then run for President touting family values, so leave me out of it. That's on Mr. Cartman.

What I did do, and what I will continue to do, is assist Aceof Spades in his quest to become President of the United States, because we need a man like him in the job. He walks the walk, talks the talk, and the man Mabel married is the man for the job.

And, one more thing. I don't know who you are, but this broadside against Padron and myself smacks of the racist desperation Cartman is delving into. Do you have something against Hispanics, Mr. Kreedon? I'd like to see the hiring stats at your network.

16318. ACEofSPADES - June 22, 1999 - 2:17 PM PT

(Pssst: And tell them I kick Cartman's ass and make him my bitch.)

16319. ACEofSPADES - June 22, 1999 - 2:18 PM PT

I WILL kick Cartman's ass...

16320. 109109 - June 22, 1999 - 2:19 PM PT

That's it, Wombat. No more. This is outrageous. Just freaking outrageous. You get a man in flagrante with some cheap California leather boy, he tries to dig himself out of a hole by smearing the entire Hispanic-American community, and you guys bring up a couple of silly jokes that are really, old news. This just takes the cake.

16321. ACEofSPADES - June 22, 1999 - 2:22 PM PT

Mr. Wombat, that's an outrageous allegation. There is no improper insertion of balloons in my rectum.

16322. 109109 - June 22, 1999 -2:23 PM PT

Sir, really, the fundraiser. The Shriners are waiting and it's late.

16323. ACEofSPADES - June 22, 1999 - 2:23 PM PT

And you can quote me on that. There IS no improper insertion of balloons in my rectum, or any other kind of improper use of balloons or my rectum. That's right.

16324. 109109 - June 22, 1999 -2:24 PM PT

The time, sir.

16325. CalGal - June 22, 1999 -2:25 PM PT

Mr. Spade, would you care to comment on the *proper* method to insert balloons and whether or not you have engaged in this behavior?

16326. ACEofSPADES - June 22, 1999 - 2:26 PM PT

Very well. But there is no improper insertion of balloons in my rectum.

This campaign isn't about who stuck what balloon in whose ass. It's about America. It's about our children. It's about me kicking Cartman's ass unholy and dressing him up like a circus chimp and making him a part of my demented sexual circus.

16327. 109109 - June 22, 1999 -2:26 PM PT

No he would not.

This press conference is over.

16328. ACEofSPADES - June 22, 1999 - 2:28 PM PT

And *that's* what this campaign is about. That's what this country is about. That's what having a monkey-boy sexual plaything is about.

Good day.

16329. 109109 - June 22, 1999 -2:29 PM PT

Okay, I've got statements here. Statements?

16330. ACEofSPADES - June 22, 1999 - 2:29 PM PT

Niner:

Dumb fucks never picked up on my use of the present tense! Heh heh heh heh heh.

It was a good day, Buddy.

--so long for now.

16331. glendajean - June 22, 1999 - 2:30 PM PT

One more question. Where do you stand on this movement by some suburban governments to put house cats on leashes?

16332. 109109 - June 22, 1999 -2:32 PM PT

glenda

I can handle that one. It is Position Paper #23 from the plank, I think. I'm pretty sure we're signed up on a bi-partisan commission to make recommendations to Congress. If memory serves, Don Rumsfeld is our man on that.

16333. vonKreedon - June 22, 1999 - 2:32 PM PT

Mr Spade: You portray Mr. Nine as a "respectable, nonpartisan reporter", how then do you account for his use of an assumed name in his report?

16334. 109109 - June 22, 1999 - 2:35 PM PT

He's gone Kreedon. And you can take your two-bit charges and your fucking racist network and shove them up your fat ass, ladling that load of shit on Padron being me. You fucking fat . .. hey, turn that fucking thing off. I said off the record. You fucking bastard. I said OFF THE RECORD before I started . . . Jesus fucking Christ.

 

16335. glendajean - June 22, 1999 - 2:35 PM PT

Because I have a letter to your candidate's high school FAA advisor that he supports leash laws for cats. There's a whole lot of moms, working moms, who come home to fix supper for the kiddies and they have a concern about having to also put the cat on the leash. Comment?

16336. Wombat - June 22, 1999 -2:37 PM PT

Actually, Mr. Ace, I never said anything about "improper" insertion of balloons in your rectum. As an objective journalist, I would not dream of making a value judgement about what you do with foreign objects and where you might insert them. Some of your supporters might think it a little odd, though.

16337. 109109 - June 22, 1999 - 2:37 PM PT

glenda

None. I mean, honest. Don Rumsfeld is our guy on that. But I'll get him to call you, you know, if you could throw my man a softball or something. You hear me?

Okay. I'm off to the Shriners.

 

16338. glendajean - June 22, 1999 - 2:39 PM PT

Well, we're running with the cat on the leash story tomorrow morning. That's a no comment from the candidate.

16339. ACEofSPADES - June 22, 1999 - 2:39 PM PT

PS, before I go for real:

Looking back, it appears that CalGal DID try to parse my statement after all.

But I just ignored her.

That's the way they do it.

16340. 109109 - June 22, 1999 -2:41 PM PT

Get in the freaking limo, you old buzzard.

16341. ACEofSPADES - June 22, 1999 - 2:49 PM PT

Hey-- I'm only really *alive* when in I'm pressing flesh and blinking away flashbulbs.

Otherwise I'm a very lonely man.

Only my balloons understand me.

 

16344. EricCartman1 - June 22, 1999 - 3:19 PM PT

From today's New York Post:

GAY PORN SCANDAL THREATENS TO SWALLOW SPADE CAMPAIGN!

Aides say candidate and chief advisor rocked by allegations, biting pillows in pain

By Hugh G. Rection and Betty Humpter

Sources for the Post indicate that 2000 Presidential Candidate AceOfSpades, a former used-car salesman, HMO insurance claims adjuster, and circus geek, has had another career that is nearly as unsavory -- gay porn star.

Using the stage name "Ben Dover", Spades has appeared in nearly 600 films and videos, mostly for Cumbubble Productions. He snagged the coveted title roles in "Prison Bitch" and "Sword Swallower", and was one of many stars in "Pullin' A Train". It was on the set of "Train" that Spades met his current campaign advisor, Paco "Niner" Nueve, who performed under the stage name "Nacho Booty".

After Cumbubble burst, Spades and Nueve headed for the Netherlands, and broadened their thespian experiences to animal, or "barnyard" porn. Producing, directing, and starring in movies such as "Hundsex", "Shepherd's Pie", and the barnyard porn classic "Renegade Chicken F**kers", the two made ample profits, and delighted animal porn lovers around the world.

Upon returning to America, Spades and Nueve started a political consulting firm, advising Congressional luminaries such as Jesse Helms and Tom "Terminix Guy" DeLay. Shortly thereafter, Spades himself ran for and won the coveted House seat in Tennessee, on the premise that, since a chimp could do the job, why not elect an actual chimp?

16345. EricCartman1 - June 22, 1999 - 3:20 PM PT

(Post article continued)

Spades' political career nearly was derailed after allegations from teenage Congressional pages declared that Spades was "a ball-grabbing pervert". He weathered that storm, and was re-elected, after promising indoor plumbing and asphalt roads to his district in Spittle County.

Upon hearing of the current news about to break, Spades and Nueve cancelled an upcoming press conference, and refused to answer the phone at their one-room cabin in the Smoky Mountains.

The Post's sources indicate that it is likely that Spades' chief opponent, Gov. Eric Cartman, may discuss this breaking situation at his press conference later this evening.

 

16365. EricCartman1 - June 22, 1999 - 11:43 PM PT

My fellow Americans:

In light of recent allegations about myself, and about my esteemed opponent, Mr. AceOfSpades, I would like to take this opportunity to clear the air.

First of all, I want to thank my lovely wife, Rebecca Romijn-Stamos-Cartman-Cartman (we recently renewed our vows) for standing by my side throughout the allegations about myself and Mr. Colossus. She is my rock, my pillar of strength, my luscious honey-glazed love monkey. I couldn't be here before you without her. Also, our twin daughters, Beavis and Butt-head. Our kids are a constant reminder to me of what's really important in life, and they keep me in touch with what the American people want for their families. Without the kids around, I'd be banging the little woman 24/7, and that is a true fact.

Now, I don't want to dwell on my opponent's negatives (call them legion, for they are many). I don't want to talk about my opponent's past career in barnyard pornography, or his years of biting off the heads of chickens as a carny geek. I don't want to talk about my opponent's penchant for masturbating to Britney Spears videos, or the fact that on Fridays, he wears a dress to work and insists that everyone call him "Chloe".

Nor do I want to talk about the rumors swirling around Mr. Spades' closest advisor, Mr. "Niner". I don't want to talk about the rumor that Mr. Niner lets his "special friend", Latin music star Ricky Martin, listen in on campaign strategy calls between Mr. Niner and Mr. Spades. Nor do I want to talk about Mr. Niner's reputed toe-sucking fetish, which Mr. Martin has spoken of recently to the National Intruder.

16366. EricCartman1 - June 22, 1999 - 11:43 PM PT

No, friends and neighbors, I don't want to talk about their negatives. I want to talk about my positives. I want to talk about my commitment to family values, and to schools, and to the morals that we used to know in America. I want to talk about the path we've strayed from, and that we can get back on. It's not too late, America, but I need your help. New Hampshire has seen the truth in my centrist message, and I want to bring that message to the rest of this great nation of ours.

Also, check out my cool new snakeskin boots. Are these great or what? Plus, they accentuate the height difference between myself and my esteemed opponent. Can you imagine what he might look like, say, driving a tank? No, I know that America wants a President over 6 feet tall, and I am that man, even without my smooth new boots.

I will now be fielding any and all questions from the audience. Go ahead, ask me anything.

16367. pellenilsson - June 23, 1999 - 12:25 AM PT

Mr Cartman

I have no questions for the moment but I wish to say that the show (pardon the expression) that you and Mr Spades and your assistants are putting up has been extraordinarily funny so far.

 

16368. EricCartman1 - June 23, 1999 - 12:39 AM PT

Mr. Nilsson:

I appreciate your support and I'd like to point out that the great thing about this campaign is that *everyone* gets to vote, not just the Americans. Also, everyone can financially contribute.

I hope I can count on your vote. And your contribution.

(Shakes Pelle's hand, and with left hand lightly squeezes just below Pelle's elbow, à la "Primary Colors").

16369. CalGal - June 23, 1999 -12:46 AM PT

Mr Cartman, I have a few questions.

Is it in fact true that your daughter, Butthead, is an animal rights activist? That the REASON your snakeskin boots are new is because she soaked the previous pair in red paint and used them to shoe an effigy of yourself that was burned at the PETA national rally last February? That the only reason the pictures of this event have not been released to the media is because you donated $75,000 to the Linda McCartney Vegetarian Society and will refrain from eating eating meat or fish in public for the remainder of the campaign? Did you apprise the People for Responsible Sport Killing organization of this before they began their pro-Cartman advertising spots?

As for your other daughter, Beavis--is it true that her standing as class valedictorian is credited to her utter lack of a social life, due to the fact that she is woofing ugly and couldn't get laid with a trowel? Was there not a great deal of suspicion aroused when Dick Pencil, Chess Club President and Philately Club Treasurer, showed up to escort her to the senior prom? Was the last minute nature of Dick's date offer related in any way to a $25,000 cash withdrawal from your account the afternoon of the prom?

Has your wife been quoted as saying, "Noam Chomsky is a crank, and he doesn't know what the hell he's talking about"?

Sir, does your family in fact share *any* values?

And Mr Cartman, does the "bang" in your sex life involve balloons?

16370. EricCartman1 - June 23, 1999 - 1:08 AM PT

I'm glad you asked those questions, Ms. Gal. To be honest, I was unaware that the Lifetime Network had a news division.

Let me just say that my lovely wife Rebecca and I share our moral values, and we impart those values to our lovely twin daughters, Beavis & Butt-head. We are a close-knit family. Sometimes even close-knit families have minor disagreements, but we always discuss our ideas and feelings, to achieve a better resolution.

And that's what I think America needs -- to discuss things, and achieve a better resolution. As Yogi Berra once said, "Ninety percent of baseball is pitching. The other half is hitting." Or something to that effect.

My point, Ms. Gal, is simply this -- if we can come together in agreement, then there will be no disagreements. My colleague George W. Bush seems to agree with me on that point, to his benefit. But I'd like to stress that I made that point first, and I looked better doing it.

I don't know this "Chomsky" character you refer to, unless you're talking about one of my favorite crime dramas from the '70s, "Chomsky & Hutch". I just loved that old Dodge Charger they drove around in. My lovely wife Rebecca and I used to have one of those cars when we first got married, and we'd cruise up to the lake to "watch the submarine races", if you know what I mean.

Thanks for your questions.

16371. CalGal - June 23, 1999 -1:32 AM PT

Mr. Cartman,

Loath though I am to point this out to such a fine car afficianado, several of my questions remain unanswered.

Is it true that your daughter's date with Dick did not involve submarine sighting or bangs of any kind?

Would you care to accompany our camera crew to the nearby Burger King and indulge in a Whopper with Cheese?

Mr. Chomsky has recently held a press conference in which he furiously brandished an entire folder of fan letters he has received from one Mr. Eric Cartman over the past 15 years. The signature on these letters is an identical match with your own.

Was your avowal of Chomsky ignorance a misstatement? Or is Mr. Chomsky involved in a conspiracy of media manipulation?

16372. ACEofSPADES - June 23, 1999 - 6:05 AM PT

PRESS RELEASE

It should come as no surprise to anyone that the Liberal Far-Eastern Establishment, i.e., Irving Snodgrass, has decided to throw its support behind my licentious and perverse opponent. Mr. Snodgrass, ostensibly non-partisan, has long been a tool of the Anti-Invective lobby, which is of course a knee-jerk opponent of my party. But Invective doesn't hurt people people hurt people. There are over ten Invective-control clauses in the Rules of the Road. Do we really believe that more legislation will stop this problem? Of course not. The only thing which can solve the Invective problem is effective enforcement, and, if when I am elected President, we'll have none of that nonsense either.

And it also should come as no surprise that the sexually deviant, drug-using, pro-tax, anti-religious, anti-family liberal Fray media Elite such as Wombat and Vonkreedon and CalGal have given up the pretense of impartiality and are now firmly in the studded leather pocket of my liberal, joyboy opponent, Eric Cartman. These liberal-biased mutants have all conspired to smear my campaign with baseless innuendo, groundless accusations, baseless accusations, and groundless innuendo. Oh yeah. And also unfounded rumors. You can work out the permutations on that last one yourself.

But you have my word on this: Ace of Spades has never set out to please the Satanic Media and the Liberal Far-Eastern Establishment. Ace of Spades works for the real people of the Fray, the heart and soul of America, the folks next door, the little people, the people who work hard and play by the rules and earn more than seventy thousand dollars per year (if single) or one hundred thousand dollars per year (if married).

And you have my word on that.

16373. ACEofSPADES - June 23, 1999 - 6:11 AM PT

Errata:

One last word:

As to the Liberal Far-Eastern Establishment and Liberal Media Elite:

I wear their scorn like a badge of *honor.*

 

16374. bubbaette - June 23, 1999 - 6:12 AM PT

I'm 5'3". Does that make me one of the little people?

Please respond to my query to the candidates posted in the playpen.

16375. Adrianne - June 23, 1999 - 6:14 AM PT

Cartman! Cartman! I'm wearing that blue "Gap" dress you like!

Cartman! Cartman!

Did you want the really BIG cigars or the little bitty skinny ones?

Cartman?!

Whyyyyyy aren't you taaaaaaaaalking to meeee, you big creeeeeeeeep?

16376. ACEofSPADES - June 23, 1999 - 6:17 AM PT

Bubbaette:

I hope that the following Press Release is specific enough to answer your questions:

PRESS RELEASE

THE BIG TENT

If the Ace of Spades campaign stands for anything, it stands for the proposition that we can all live and post together under a big tent. ALL of us.

In the past, the Ace of Spades Big Tent has been a home to people with such diverse and varied political viewpoints as Niner and Boomer, FTC and JJ, AlDavis and Jennerator. We have even gone so far to reach out to libertarians like AuNaturel and Ronski, as long as they give up nutjob ideas like legalizing heroin and privatizing the Air Force. The Ace of Spades campaign welcomes those with original and maverick ideas-- so long as they're not too original or too maverick. That kind of crazy-talk scares some people, and I don't mind saying I'm one of them. Come on guys. Ixne on the onsense-ne. Get with the program. Straighten up and fly right.

But at this time, I would also like to open the Big Tent to those who, while not natural allies, may nevertheless wish to join me at this time. The Bit Tent is plenty big enough to accommodate people like Benear and Bubbaette and JudithAtHome and Rask and Jexster.

Well, on second thought, it's not big enough for Jexster. He's a dangerous maniac and I really don't want him anywhere near me. My security staff has orders to shoot to kill if they see him. Actually, my security staff has orders to shoot to kill if they see *anyone*, or don't see anything in particular at all. Hell, they'll shoot each other if they get bored enough.

And that's the way it should be. That's the way we did it where I grew up, in a town called Charity. That's the Ace of Spades way. That's the American way.

16377. bubbaette - June 23, 1999 - 6:27 AM PT

Depending on the time of year and method of transportation, I generally prefer several small tents to one big tent. Small tents are much lighter for backpacking purposes and tend to be warmer in cool weather. However, I prefer big tents in the case of rain, because one can sit and stand, whereas small tents can be confining. Big tents are also preferable in very hot weather, as they don't concentrate body heat. I prefer synthetic fabric to canvas for the lighter weight and the smell. Rotting canvas smells icky.

16378. ACEofSPADES - June 23, 1999 - 6:39 AM PT

Bubbaette:

Filthy anarchist.

PRESS RELEASE

CAN ERIC CARTMAN SURVIVE THIS LATEST SCANDAL? CONCLUSIVE EVIDENCE SHOWS THAT ERIC CARTMANS SPEAKS FRENCH

Recent evidence has emerged that the ostensibly American and heterosexual Eric Cartman has a mastery of the French language.

This explosive evidence emerged in a recent on-line colloquy:

3476. EricCartman1 - June 23, 1999 - 12:12 AM PT

Also Irv:

...Répondez s'il vous plaît.

3477. IrvingSnodgrass - June 23, 1999 - 12:18 AM PT

Ooh, a candidate who uses circumflexes properly. With the competition, the best one can hope for is a glottal stop.

3478. EricCartman1 - June 23, 1999 - 12:47 AM PT

Irv:

...we are proficient in the use of *all* the diacritical marks -- circumflexes, umlauts, çedilles, accents grave and aigue, even the elusive schwa.

We hope to put these skills to work for the American people, and we promise to do so, when I am elected President.

Do Americans want a man like Cartman, who openly admitsnay, FLAUNTS his ability to speak a FOREIGN language, especially the highly-suspect FRENCH languange?

The Ace of Spades platform is simple: America is the greatest country in the world, and our language is therefore the greatest language in the world.

We would like to ask Mr. Cartman: If you are oh-so-American and patriotic as you claim, why have you taken time to learn a foreign language? Isn't the AMERICAN LANGUAGE good enough for you?

Please, Mr. Cartman, do us all a favor: use your skills for a task they're better suited for, like running a Vietnamese child-prostitution ring.

16379. glendajean - June 23, 1999 - 7:01 AM PT

CANDIDATE'S LETTER AFFIRMS CATS ON LEASH LEANINGS

Frank Barton is retired, but the former high school basketball coach holds a piece of paper, a letter written by a student 15 years ago full of the musings of an ambitious young man.

What makes this particular "Mein Kampf" different from the musings of other students who write letters to favorite teachers and mentors is the insight it gives readers to the adult man, Ace of Spades, a candidate running for Fray president in the 2000 election.

"The boy was full of dreams," said Mr. Barton, a short balding man with thick gray eyebrows. "This letter I've got shows it."

But others see something else beyond the purple ink ramblings of a boy aiming to make it big in government.

"He's obsessed with controlling cats," said Emily Prudenlude, Dean of the Annenberg School of Communications. "If you evaluate his discourse, you'll see that even at this early age, he's honed in on making all catowners use leashes for their feline pets when they are outdoors.

"Mr. Barton," his letter reads, "If cats were on leashes, the world would be a better place."

And that has dropped a bombshell among the PTA moms of America, a category of potentially important voters identifed by Ms. Prudenlude.

"Our research shows that PTA moms would kill the man or woman who made them put leashes on their cats. It's hard enough driving a minivan or SUV with a scream full of car pool co-workers, getting home in time to fix supper and then put the cat on a leash."

The Spade campaign has refused comment.

16380. Wombat - June 23, 1999 -7:05 AM PT

Um...Mr. Ace. The language that we speak is actually "English."

16381. 109109 - June 23, 1999 -7:08 AM PT

Polly Vous Loser?

Tim Trebelhorn

The American Spectator

Perhaps it is to be expected that every four years the country is to be subjected to a 'family" man who precahes values and honesty, only later to be revealed as a filthy degenerate and fraud. Perhaps we've become immune to disgust at the vision of a starched white man, pressing flesh in a caucus, only to find out that his flesh has been pressed in dingier, less savory circumstances. And perhaps it is too much to ask that once revealed, the individual withdraw from the campaign to mend the ruptures of his shattered home life and to pick up the pieces of his now decimated public persona. Indeed, in the post-Clinton years, no one could be blamed for EricCartman's wild lashing out and his attempt to revive his personal ambition at the expense of such a trusted public servant as Ace of Spades.

Yes, we are sophisticated lot, us Americans. "What does it have to do with the job?" we bellow. "It's his personal life!" we defy the furies. "The politics of personal destruction must end!" we vow. So, Jexster Colossus, the barely articulate California frother, hits Geraldo, Jerry Springer and Equal Time on successive nights. Inflicted upon us by the effects of Cartman's libido, too many shots of apple spice schnapps, and an inability to discern a flashbulb from the glitter of a disco ball, we find ourselves mired in the muck, looking for yet another catch phrase from slithering apologists in the Fourth Estate like vonKreedon and Wombat.

16382. 109109 - June 23, 1999 -7:09 AM PT

What, some ask, could disqualify a man from the mantle of Leader of the Free World? For purposes of discussion only, I accept the lax mores of the times. Cartman may lay with a cockeyed bassett hound crippled by a swerving Pinto. More power to him. It's personal.

Then, just when I think I've gotten into the swing of the new morality, another obscenity. One so perverse, it snaps my synapses and lo, wanton lust, pornography and orgy are replaced by God, duty, Country.

Here is what I saw:

3476. EricCartman1 - June 23, 1999 - 12:12 AM PT

Also Irv:

...Répondez s'il vous plaît.

French. He speaks French.

16383. ACEofSPADES - June 23, 1999 - 7:16 AM PT

INTERNAL MEMORANDUM

CONFIDENTIAL

NOT FOR RELEASE

TO: Niner

FROM: Ace

I know you keep telling me to let you handle the thinking and the ideas and the policies and the everything else, but I just thought of a couple of can't-miss ideas that I'd like your input on.

First: What do you think of when hear the name Eric Cartman? That's right you think of Chico, where he comes from.

And what do you think of when you hear Chico? That's right, you think of Chico and the Man, that tv show with the Spanish guy.

And what do you think of when you think of Spanish guys? That's right cockfighting.

So what I'm thinking of is this: What if we film a commercial connecting Cartman to cockfighting? You set it in a dirty, dark basement cockfighting arena, lots of foreign-looking types cheering it on (and throw in a few Libyans, too! People are still angry with Libyans, what with them taking our Embassy hostage in the seventies!)

And so you have a Spanish father and his son, a little boy. Make the little boy regular-looking, you know, American-looking, to really connect with the audience.

So the father and son are getting their cock ready for the fight. But the cock is sick or something. Maybe his paw is broken. You figure it out. So the Father says, Son, our cock's paw is broken. You will have to fight in his place. And the son screams as the father ties his hands behind his back, and then the father throws the little boy into the cockfighting ring, where a ferocious, enormous condor pecks his face into a bloody sponge.

And you close with the narrative, Eric Cartman: He will force your children to fight with wild animals.

Pretty good, huh? What do you think?

16384. ACEofSPADES - June 23, 1999 - 7:16 AM PT

TO: ACE

FROM: NINER

Um. It's... interesting, I guess. Let me think about it for a while, okay?

And your next idea?

TO: Niner

FROM: Ace

Okay. The next idea is even better. You remember a couple of years ago, maybe five years ago, when there was that big scandal in Los Angeles?

I forget most of the details, but the scandal was something like this: A beautiful American woman was killed in the offices of a large Japanese corporation in Los Angeles. Initially, the Japanese tried to frame some guy named Eddie Sakamora for it. But then these two detectives, a black guy and an old white guy, figured out that it was really the Japanese executives who'd killed her, and they were using her death to blackmail an American Senator to approve a technology transfer.

And, here's the kicker: Even though they had the whole murder recorded on a digital disk, the Japanese STILL HAD THE WHOLE THING COVERED UP.

You think we can connect Cartman to this? He IS from California, you know. That's practically NEXT DOOR to Los Angeles.

TO: ACE

FROM: NINER

Um, sir, that scandal didn't really happen. You're thinking of the 1993 Wesley Snipes/Sean Connery action- thriller, Rising Sun.

TO: Niner

FROM: Ace

Oh. Damn. That really sucks.

Well, do you think we can try connecting Cartman to it anyway? I remember being really angry when I saw it

16385. 109109 - June 23, 1999 -7:18 AM PT

PRESS RELEASE

ACEOF SPADES FOR PRESIDENT

Campaign Manager 109109 will be leaving the Ace of Spades campaign effective immediately. His departure is in no way connected to recent allegations regarding his personal life and past. Mr. 109109 has chosen to spend more time with his family, work on a book (working title "Ay Caramba! Mi vida en politica"), and devote more time to his positions as marketing consultant for Taco Bell, Ricky Martin 2000, and Comedy Central's newest channel, Funny Hombres in the Barrios, devoted solely to Hispanic-American culture, such as Paul Rodriguez comedy bits. Cheech and Chong movies, re-runs of Chico and the Man, and biographies of the NFL's Zendejas brothers.

16386. theDiva - June 23, 1999 -7:23 AM PT

(I have *got* to leave this thread. Someone actually came and *closed* the door to my office.)

16387. Raskolnikov - June 23, 1999 - 7:29 AM PT

Excuse me, my name is Raskolnikov, representing TASS.

I have a question for both candidates. Given the recent Russian intervention in Kosovo, it is clear that US/Russian relations are at a low point and are in need of serious attention.

Given Boris Yeltsin's presidency, it is obvious that the future of relations between the two powers depends on the ability of the US President to drink Mr Yeltsin under the table.

I would like to know which of you is able to hold your Vodka better. I am not just concerned about pulling a George Bush and projectile vomiting on Mr Yeltsin's lap, but I am also worried that if either of you suffers from (extremely serious) "vodka goggles" and makes a pass at Mr Yeltsin's wife, it may precipitate World War 3. Comments?

 

16388. bubbaette - June 23, 1999 - 7:30 AM PT

Lettitor to the Editor

Deeprut Daily Press, Deeprut Wy.

So the Spade campaign was closely aligned with Spanish speakers??!! I'm shocked. Shocked and Disturbed. Shocked, Disturbed and Appalled!

What about the English First platform that Spade embraced? I'm giving my vote to Eric Cartman, because he's much better looking.

16389. theDiva - June 23, 1999 -7:34 AM PT

Sir? Sir?

My name is TheDiva, I'm with DownBeat. I believe our readers would like to know what exactly your position is on making Charles Mingus' birthday a national holiday.

16390. ACEofSPADES - June 23, 1999 - 7:40 AM PT

BEAVERTON COURIER-POST

Beaverton, NH The seasoned pol Paco Niner has announced his resignation from the Ace of Spades campaing. Mr. Niner cited his family as the reason for his resignation.

The resignation is entirely unrelated to the recent revelations that Mr. Niner spoke a foreign language. An aide to Mr. Spades said, "This revelation came as a complete surprise to us. We had no idea we had a repressed bilingualist on our staff. I can only hope that Mr. Niner takes time to pray, and ask a higher power to help him wrestle with his repressed bilingualism."

Asked if there were any other bilingualists in his organization, Mr. Spades asserted passionately that there were not. "We are a God-fearing campaign," and aide said. "If a man so much as says 'gestalt' around here, he might as well get on the next train to East Nowhere."

There have been whispers about Mr. Niner's bilingualism since at least the mid-eighties, when he was seen photographed at a Washington party with the actress Charo.

Mr. Niner was not available for further comment.

16391. ACEofSPADES - June 23, 1999 - 7:47 AM PT

Glendajean:

That's just "trash for cash." It is untrue in every respect.

Rask:

I support a policy of strict abstinence from drinking communist beverages like vodka. One might as well be drinking fluorodized water on the rocks. I will not drink vodka with Mr. Yeltsin, and if he doesn't like it, I will kick his ass harder than he's ever had it kicked before.

Mr. Yeltsin will drink the fine products made by the Adolf Coors company when he summits with me, and he will like it, or else he'll be looking for his teeth three blocks north of Queer Street.

Diva:

If it will earn your vote, Mr. Mingus can have a whole month dedicated to him. Whoever he is.

16392. bubbaette - June 23, 1999 - 7:48 AM PT

Mr. Cartman, Mr. Spade

I'm writing on behalf of my 9th grade highschool class. When you go swimming, do you prefer a speedo bathing suit or swimtrunks?

Sincerely,

Tiffany Heather Carlson

16393. Raskolnikov - June 23, 1999 - 7:54 AM PT

Mr Spade:

You are dodging the question. Regardless of whether it is vodka, or that American pisswater you call "Coors", will you be able to hold your own in a drinking bout with Mr Yeltsin.

I must confess that I will be skeptical no matter what you say, doubting whether either of your livers has the fortitude to keep up with Boris. I suggest that the two of you replace the inevitable foreign policy debate with a game of "quarters", to better guage your ability to keep up with our illustrious, yet besotted, President.

16394. theDiva - June 23, 1999 -7:58 AM PT

Sir?

How can you, in good conscience, call yourself a patriotic American if you cannot even identify one of the greatest composers of jazz, our only true American art form?

16395. ACEofSPADES - June 23, 1999 - 8:00 AM PT

GlendaJean:

I would never enact such a monstrous policy such as mandating the leashing of all cats. That "letter" you have is a blatant forgery.

To all Cat owners: Cats are my favorite pets.

To all Dog owners: Dogs are also my favorite pets.

To anyone who owns any other kind of pet: Your pet is also my favorite pet, unless it's a ferret, which are all godless fornicating communists.

Rask:

You seem obsessed with counting the number of alcoholic beverages I can drink. Let me just quote the words of Thomas Jefferson: "Boys count. Men drink."

And that's all I have to say about that.

16396. ACEofSPADES - June 23, 1999 - 8:06 AM PT

...and for now, further answers must wait until I get some work done.

And why don't you liberally-biased media-types post some tough questions for Cartman? Can't you PRETEND to be nonpartisan?

16397. Raskolnikov - June 23, 1999 - 8:07 AM PT

Mr Spade:

You have dodged the question again. Your refusal to answer this question, or to engage in a contest with Mr Cartman to prove the quality of your liver, is most troublesome, and should be remembered by all Americans come election day. We can only believe that you doubt your ability to out-drink Mr Cartman, much less the spongey Mr Yeltsin.

16398. Raskolnikov - June 23, 1999 - 8:08 AM PT

Mr Spade: Mr Cartman will be held accountable for his answers, or lack thereof, as well, so your blatant attempt to shift the subject to your opponent was unnecessary.

16399. theDiva - June 23, 1999 -8:09 AM PT

Sir?

Please answer my follow-up question.

16400. bubbaette - June 23, 1999 - 8:09 AM PT

Mr. Spade

I'm going to tell my whole school and my family and all the people in my town that you said you were too busy to answer my question. I hope they vote to put you in jail.

Sincerely

Tiffany Heather Carlson

16401. ACEofSPADES - June 23, 1999 - 8:10 AM PT

By the way:

Why don't you guys start organizing campaigns for other offices? Cart and I are running for PResident, but some of you could try a third-party stab. Plus, there's governorships and Senate Seats at stake.

16402. JJBiener - June 23, 1999 - 8:11 AM PT

PRESS RELEASE

FOR IMMEDIATE PUBLICATION

The artist formerly known as Charo wishes to counter the vicious claims made about her in the BEAVERTON COURIER-POST. The artist is not now and never has been an "actress". Her appearances on the TV series The Love Boat and Fantasy Island should be ample proof. She is a Flamenco guitarist and singer.

As for her relationship with the now embattled 109109, she says that, despite the rumors to the contrary, she and Niner have never engaged in wild, red-hot, monkey sex. She says that Niner was a friend who supported her during a difficult time in her career. They spent many long nights discussing their feelings --in Spanish.

The artist formerly known as Charo hopes that this statement clears up any misunderstandings that may exist about her relationship with 109109. Additional questions may be sent to her through her management company, La Vida Loca Artist Management. Ask for Ricky.

16403. Raskolnikov - June 23, 1999 - 8:12 AM PT

MrSpade: It is considerably more fun to fire the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune than it is to suffer them.

16404. bubbaette - June 23, 1999 - 8:14 AM PT

I don't want to be exposed to all those damned nosey questions.

By the way, have you ever been unfaithful to your wife, your god, and/or your dog?

16405. glendajean - June 23, 1999 - 8:23 AM PT

AS CANDIDATE DENYS CAT LEASH LEANINGS, TABLOID PRINTS PICTURES

Still reeling from the loss of experienced political consultant 109109 who suddenly dropped out of the inner circle of the Spade campaign, candidate Ace of Spades denied that he had written the youthful letter to his old high school teacher outlining his desire to put all cats on leashes.

Meanwhile, the weekly tabloid THE NATIONAL SNOOPER has printed pictures of a skinny young Mr. Spades demonstrating walking his neighbor's cat on a leash. The pictures recently resurfaced when the neighbor was cleaning out the attic for a neighborhood garage sale.

"I forgot all about these pictures," said Mrs. Evelyn Happy, a retired school librarian. "Ace had this silly idea about cats on a leash. One day I looked outside and there he was, with my poor Fluffy all tied up and tangled with a harness and leash. That poor cat was never the same after that. All her hair fell out and she nearly had a heart attack every time my husband Lester got his belt out when he was getting dressed."

Mrs. Happy said that her youngest son took the pictures with his Swinger Polaroid camera.

"Of course," she said, "I had to discipline Ace and he took it well."

The candidate earlier in the day said that the letter in the possession of his former high school teacher was "trash for cash." Handwriting experts unassociated with either campaign confirm that there is a strong correlation between the purple inked letter and the handwriting samples of the adult Mr. Spades.

16406. ACEofSPADES - June 23, 1999 - 8:26 AM PT

"...of the adult Mr. Spades."

That proves your story is bullshit right there: There's no such animal as an "adult Mr. Spades."

 

16409. ACEofSPADES - June 23, 1999 - 8:50 AM PT

BEAVERTON COURIER-POST

Phillip Prentice

Beaverton, NH Rocked by a series of explosive scandals, and stymied with organizational problems, the Cartman campaign limped into Beaverton early Wednesday morning like a punch-drunk boxer wearily returning to the center of the ring.

The numerous noisy scandals that have plagued this campaign Dungeons and Dragons Geek-gate, Scrawny-little-penis-Gate, and now, worst of all, French-Gate or Schwa-Gate have all but drowned out Mr. Cartman's message.

Cartman's a fighter, one of his campaign aides said. Stuff like this just spurs him on. He thrives on adversity.

But perhaps the adversity is proving too much for the struggling Cartman, a one-term Representative from Chico, California, and a relative newcomer to the political scene.

Cartman has almost no organization to speak of according to Paco "The Hatchet" Niner, Spade's former spokesman and campaign manager. He's strapped for cash. He doesn't even have the funds to hire a professional campaign manager.

Indeed, many attribute Mr. Cartman's woes to his failure to appoint a seasoned pol to manage his campaign. Mr. Cartman's chief advisors appear to be his wife, Rebecca Romijn-Stamos-Cartman-Cartman once a professional model until most of her face was burned away in a free-basing explosion and the divisive, combative liberal veteran, Jexster Howling Mad Colossus.

There are plenty of people who'd like to be Cart's spokesman, a reporter travelling with Cartman noted. Let's face it: Ace of Spades is a fucking moron. We've seen stupid politicians before, but this guy is silly-stupid. Like drooling stupid. Everyone knows he was just a puppet controlled by The Hatchet. But there are dozens of liberal-leaning men and women in the Fray who would love

16410. ACEofSPADES -June 23, 1999 - 8:51 AM PT

But there are dozens of liberal-leaning men and women in the Fray who would love to keep this bozo Ace of out of power. All Cartman has to do his tap someone's shoulder.

As of yet, however, Mr. Cartman has decided to slog through the New Hampshire snow alone.

Meanwhile, Mr. Niner is said to be undergoing intense psychotherapy to find the root causes of his bilingualism, which apparently dates back to his early childhood. It's not his fault, a source closed to Niner said. His parents did that to him; it's the way he was raised. How can a parent treat a child that way?

Meanwhile, the Ace of Spades campaign is said to be rudderless without the guidance of Mr. Niner. Sources inside the campaign say they secretly hope that Mr. Niner can overcome his bilingualism and return to the campaign. Others are not so optomistic.

We have begun searching for a new campaign manager, a high-ranking Ace aide said. We have only two criteria guiding us. One, you speaka de English or you don't speaka at all. Two, check your integrity at the door.

Amanda Sloane contributed to this report.

16412. cllrdr - June 23, 1999 -9:23 AM PT

This just in off the AP Wire:

"109 Arrested in Cock-Fighting Raid"

"109109, Consultant to President Candidate Ace of Spades, was arrested by police authorites last night in a raid on a Dupont Circle cock-fighting party. 'It's just a campaign mascot officer, honest!' screamed the noted lawyer as he was led away in handcuffs through the mob of PETA-members who had tipped-off the authorities as to the whereabouts of the increasingly popular outlaw 'sport.' Ace of Spades was unavailable for comment."

 

16413. ACEofSPADES - June 23, 1999 - 9:35 AM PT

REUTERS BREAKING

Paco "The Hatchet" Niner, a hard-charging political consultant who has worked primarily with conservative candidates, has allegedly been arrested in connection with a cock-fighting tournament in a Los Angeles basement.

The timing is curious. Sources inside AceofSpade's campaign report that the candidate was planning a political advertisement which would link Gov. Eric Cartman to the illegal practice of cockfighting. Extremely shortly after a memo proposing this commercial was circulated to Mr. Niner, he resigned from the campaign.

It had previously been speculated that perhaps Mr. Niner had resigned due to his recurring bouts with bilingualism. "That seems, at this point, to have been the least of his problems," said an aide connected to the Cartman campaign.

Mr. Spades could not be reached for comment. A source within his campaign said only, "Obviously, our prayers go out to Niner. He is a very good man, even if it is starting to look like he's something of a freak."

The planned cockfighting commercial is apparently on hold. Meanwhile, Mr. Spades was seen outside the Century City Towers in Los Angeles, personally directing a commercial which would attempt to link Cartman with the fictitious scandal that occurred in the film "Rising Sun."

16414. bubbaette - June 23, 1999 - 9:44 AM PT

Lettitor to the Editor

Beaverton Courier Post

Dear Editor

As a potential primary voter, I've been wondering what ever happened to Eric Cartman? He appears to have dropped out of sight.

Is this a page from the playbook of George W. Bush or Ross Perot, to say as little as possible before primary day?

That nice young man, Ace of Spades, may be a lunatic and ugly as a mud fence, but at least you know where he stands on the issues.

Sincerely,

Gertrude Hunsucker

Witchestit New Hampshire

16415. IrvingSnodgrass - June 23, 1999 - 10:09 AM PT

Ace:

You must realize that your Message #16378 leaves the field wide open for your opponent to bring up the hushed-up Kilingon language issue.

And no, I won't delete the evidence, which can be found in the Language thread.

I understand that there will be an exposé of the Klingon language issue soon on the Matt Sludge Page.

Cellar Message #16412:

Yes, but was the cock on a *leash*?

16416. 109109 - June 23, 1999 -10:19 AM PT

"NINER" ANNOUNCES THIRD-PARTY BID FOR THE PRESIDENCY

Kevin Bonfilio

The New York Times

Los Angeles

Standing amid an enthusiastic crowd of migrant workers, day-laborers and car detailers, 109109 ("Niner") shook the political landscape and kicked off his surprise third-party candidacy for the presidency with a bold and stark theme.

"You have Cartman who calls Ace a degenerate. You have Ace who calls Cartman a mantis-armed pervert. They're both right!"

Niner, who recently stepped down as campaign manager to Aceof Spades organization, had harsh words for his former employer.

"I have seen Ace's campaign up close. I came to a conclusion, after a time, that he was a befuddled and preening half-wit. During his candidacy, you can be assured. If he said anything of intelligence, it was me talking."

Niner also scathingly attacked Cartman.

"Ace was right about one thing. He's a mantis-armed circus freak, dressed up to be a man of the people. Ask yourself? Do you want a White House where Jexster Colossus is in the Lincoln Bedroom?"

Niner's reference was to a man with whom Cartman was alleged to have been engaged in sexual relations, one such relation having been preserved on photographs recently released to the press. Colossus has been a staple on cable outlets since the scandal erupted, and his behavior has been erratic at times. Two nights ago, he attacked MSNBC's Brian Williams and was pulled off the anchor, spitting and screaming "FEEL THE LASH! Noooooot! Bobo Barr!"

Niner has also come under fire himself in recent days, and he responded to a variety of charges - from involvement in porn to cockfighting - with a blanket denial.

"First thing a pig in muck will do is shake and shimmy to get thet mud off. Then, when everything around them is tarred, they don't look so filthy."

16417. 109109 - June 23, 1999 -10:20 AM PT

Standing next to his wife, actress Salma Hayek, Niner urged a progressive policy, long on theme and short on specifics.

"I want a country where we can afford to give proper care to our citizens. Where criminals are corraled without destruction of our individual rights. Where guns are freely given out like Chicklets, but they are also severely restricted. Where racial preferences are outlawed, but we strive to maintain racial quotas."

16418. ACEofSPADES - June 23, 1999 - 10:23 AM PT

I *knew* this was coming.

What a c***sucker.

I'm going to bury you, pal.

16419. bubbaette - June 23, 1999 - 10:27 AM PT

NINER, NINER, he's our man!

A candidate who stands for everything and nothing!

16420. 109109 - June 23, 1999 -10:30 AM PT

NBC NEWS

SPECIAL REPORT

The Cartman, AceofSpades, and Niner campaigns are in negotiations over terms of a debate. The debate will be one hour, with the candidates taking questions from the press. The debate time has not been scheduled, but possible times are 10:00 pm, EST, June 23, 1999, June 24, 1999, or June 27, 1999.

16421. ACEofSPADES - June 23, 1999 - 10:31 AM PT

POSITION PAPER #18

RE: FOREIGNERS THE AMERICAN INTERNET

VITAL, STRONG, AND WHERE THEY BELONG

First, let me make it absolutely clear that I have nothing against foreigners. For example, my former campaign manager, the backstabbing, duplicitous, and traitorous Paco "The Hatchet" Niner, is a foreigner of some kind. Well, he might not technically be a foreigner, but you can tell just by looking at him he isn't a regular American. He's obviously from some South American country, like Peru, Brazil, or Morocco.

Now: as to policy.

I am proposing an initiative which I call the Let's all be Happy Friends with Everyone and Welcome Foreigners with Open Arms bill. This bill would *not*, as my opponents have mischaracterized it, ban foreigners from posting on the American Internet. Rather, it would, in the spirit of friendship, tolerance, and acceptance, attempt to preserve foreigners' multi-cultural traditions, by *lovingly excluding* them from the American Internet, thus keeping foreign cultures vital, strong and most importantly where they belong.

Vital, strong, and where they belong. That is to say, by keeping them somewhere else, where we can safely gawk at them from a distance as if they were mental patients, which, as you know, most of them are.

As you can see, the Let's all be Happy Friends with Everyone and Welcome Foreigners with Open Arms proposal is strongly pro-American *and* pro-foreigner. I can't tell you how many foreigners have said to me, This American Internet is the greatest Internet in the world. But can't you keep out all the foreigners, such as myself, my wife, and my children?

16422. ACEofSPADES - June 23, 1999 - 10:32 AM PT

Well, America *can* do something about foreigners on the Internet, and if I am elected president, we will. We *owe* it to hard-working, church-attending foreigners like Pellenilson to purge American's Internet of foreigners like himself, and make it the kind of place foreigners will *want* to come to. The idea of posting on the American Internet has always been a dream to foreigners like Pellenilson, and we owe it to Pellenilson to keep it just that: a dream, and ONLY a dream.

Join with me, my fellow Americans. Let's keep foreign cultures vital, strong, and where they belong.

16423. bubbaette - June 23, 1999 - 10:33 AM PT

Suggested campaign slogans:

Nothing Could Be Finer Than to Vote for 109er in November!

Niner: when he's bought, he stays bought.

109109: You Can Fool Some of the People All of the Time.

16424. 109109 - June 23, 1999 -10:37 AM PT

Addrecion de Niner a la Hispanic Unido Solidaridad Fiesta

La Prensa

Junio vente tres

Hola. Mi nombre is Niner. Mi campaign es un todo y more. Ace de Spades es un burro sucking chol con uno toupee con queso. Cartman es una gigante tob de goo con cojones the size of chick peas.

Voy conquistador!

Say hello to my wife, Salma. We amor Selena!

Vote por mi, tu bueno, bueno, bueno hombres.

16425. 109109 - June 23, 1999 -10:38 AM PT

Bubbaette

I'm looking for a campaign manager (or, at least, a translator)

16426. glendajean - June 23, 1999 - 10:39 AM PT

CNN Politics Tonight

BERNIE: To quote an old cliche, the presidential campaign season just turned into a rollercoaster ride. Bill?

BILL: Polling trends back that up, Bernie, but what I find really interesting is that the voters find that the candidates are talking right past them.

Call it the post-impeachment turn-off, but the public has completely turned off their ears. That means that these candidates will have to work harder to market their messages. Expect the unusual.

BERNIE: The Spade Campaign has been reeling all day. There's the Cat Leash stuff...

BILL: Bernie, our polls show that Spades is dropping fast with Republican suburban woman, the so-called PTA moms. His denials haven't given him any ground on this issue. He's in a free-fall.

BERNIE: But the biggest shock to hit the Spades campaign is the news that his former manager, 109109, has quit his campaign only to turn around and enter the race. To quote another cliche, it's a big taco salad now.

16427. bubbaette - June 23, 1999 - 10:48 AM PT

Niner

I do fundraising, but are you really willing to do what you need to do in order to get elected? I tell ya big guy, it's gonna take a committment on your part to squeeze those donors

16428. Adrianne - June 23, 1999 - 10:49 AM PT

Dear Diary

The big Sheep hasn't answered me, and I wrote him hooooouuuurrs ago. he thinks he's so important, what with the campaign and all, but don't I matter too? He's invalidating my emotions! Whatta rat.

I was talking to my friend PseudoPaglia this morning - boy, can that one talk! Oh, I know I shouldn't be talking about the Big Sheep, but she's just so ... motherly...I dunno. Good ideas by the braful! (NOTE TO SELF: Buy cinnamon tic-tacs). She calls me all the time now - between you and me, diary, I think she's...frustrated, get it? She always wants to hear about me and the Big Sheep...DOING IT! AGG! It's kinda weird talking about it to her, but kinda fun too.

Anyway, PP told me that the Big Sheep didn't appreciate me, and I should do something dramatic to get his attention and to show him I MEAN BUSINESS - but what? What to do, what to do.

Serve him right if I call that bitchy-burned face wife of his and told her...No! I couldn't. I WON'T. I love the big lug.

But he better watch his ass.

More later, gotta get waxed,

Ad

16429. ACEofSPADES - June 23, 1999 - 10:55 AM PT

XXXXX DRUDGE REPORT XXXXX WEDNESDAY, JUNE 22, 1999 1:43:22 ET XXXXX

XXXXXX WORLD EXLUSIVE - MUST CREDIT XXXXX

NUDE PHOTOS OF PACO "THE HATCHET" NINER TO APPEAR IN THE NAT'L SNOOPER

Curiouser and curiouser!

The Fray Presidential campaign took another series of swerves today as long-time conservative strategist announced his own bid for President-- just minutes before compromising photos of him were delivered to the Miami offices of the National Snooper!

"They're the real deal," an editor at the Snoop told this correspondant. "They're definitely Niner, they're all ALL Niner, if you know what I mean."

Asked if the photos revealed any potentially compromising information -- like drug use or prostitution -- the editor said, "No, there's nothing like that. It's just that the guy's a bit of a schlump. He's kind of sickly pale for a Hispanic, he's got a big belly, soft, womanly thighs, and no visible genetalia to speak of. There's something that looks like it *could* be a penis, I guess. Either a penis or birthmark of some kind."

The ashen-faced editor summed up: "He just looks sort of like a off-white pudding sprawled out on a bad couch."

Asked about the shocking announcement by his former top strategist, Ace of Spades said only: "Well, looks like I'm gonna have myself *two* bitches to punk out come November."

16430. 109109 - June 23, 1999 -10:58 AM PT

COSMOPOLITAN

June 23, 1999

5 questions with the woman who would be First Lady - Salma Hayek

COSMO: So? What's it like?

Hayek: Oh my. Where do I start? He's a tender man, yet very rough, when you want something like that. You know?

COSMO: Are you proud of him?

Hayek: More than proud. I worship him. Have you ever seen The Stepford Wives. I am his Tina Louise, although, the orgasms he gives me are not faked. I mean, I come and come and they are like waves.

COSMO: What do you think about all of the nasty things his opponents have been saying about him?

Hayek: Let me tell you what he told me when he worked for that Ace. He came in one day and he said, "Honey, today, before the Shriners, Ace actually asked me, 'Have you ever fantasized about Gavin MacLeod?' I think that was a turning point for him."

COSMO: And Cartman?

Hayek: Oh please. How you say, tutti frutti?

COSMO: Where do you see yourelf at the end of the campaign?

Hayek: Naked, with my husband Niner, and we will be inaugurating each room of the White House.

 

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