Previously, on Andy Meets World ... On the eighth-season premiere of MTV's "Real World," a bisexual alcoholic practically jumps out of the fish bowl. Our reality-TV correspondent gets the net. In our weekly "Real World" debriefing, hair-color conspiracy theories pile up, homosexual tension mounts, and Christians rock. "I did what? With who?" Fun with plausible denial on the latest episode of "The Real World." The twentysomething-going-on- twelve cast of "The Real World" explores the difference between "liking" someone and "liking liking" them. MTV's "The Real World" — it's gettin' to be ri-god-damn-diculous. What happens when "Real World" roommates stop being impolite — and start getting mature? And did you hear the one about the minister's son who brought home a stripper? This week on "The Real World": homophobes and heterophobes clash, a would-be-model refuses to eat and someone pukes without getting drunk first. Go figure. Ruthie, the "Real World"'s one-woman party, drives drunk through the fourth wall — and slams into an ultimatum from the Powers That Edit. In a come-from-behind bid for the "Real World" drama-queen crown, Amaya shows us that her heart may have it even rougher than Ruthie's liver. The "Real World" cast says a remarkably un-contentious "Thank U" to an Indian vacation. Plus: Kaia dates a famous rapper and jumps off a cliff. Ruthie is called for a Teck-nical foul, and Matt intervenes in an intervention. "The Real World" judges Ruth, and readers respond. If you weren't outraged by this week's "Real World", you weren't paying attention. Plus: Teck on heroin! The "Real World" cast hits the Third World, where Justin plays Machiavelli and gives Colin and Amaya's relationship an Indian burn. Facing his roommates' wrath, "The Real World"'s Justin cites a family emergency and pulls his rip cord. How convenient. "The Real World"'s Amaya revokes her favorite frat boy's charter and jumps out of a plane. Plus: Teck helps Matt act out some of his favorite "Showgirls" moments. This season's "Real World" cast lives on an island. But lately, they've been treading water. Pencilling some selflessness into their busy schedule of immature self-involvement, the "Real World" roomies do some work for charity. Uhh, how about "Save This Show"? This week on "Alanis Explains It All" — uhh, we mean, "The Real World" — we learn why women go to the gynecologist and how not to pick up girls. And they say MTV's not educational. This week on "The Real World": How do you solve a problem like Amaya? A savage dis-fest that makes "The Blame Game" look like "Rosie", that's how. On "The Real World"'s jam-packed season finale, Matt, Ruthie, Amaya and the rest of the strangers catch the last wave outta town with little hugging and less learning. "The Real World"'s already had its season finale, but Andy's gotta get his last licks in. Who's the most obnoxious housemate? Is temporary stardom as one of seven strangers really worth it? And in the words of Method Man, izzit really real? Watching TV makes you smarter. Check out Andy Dehnart's weekly TV picks in Test Pattern.

In case you're a few years away from those pre-high school years — like I am — you had a chance during this episode to relive courtship 12-year-old style, courtesy of Amaya and Colin, "Real World 8"'s resident sorority girl and fratboy.

Actual conversation: Amaya: "Will you be my Valentine?" Colin: "I'll think about it."

Actual Amaya quote: "You're the one I want, you silly boy."

Right about then, I was hoping Justin would come along and hold me up (a la Ruthie a few episodes back), because I was about to spray vomit all over the TV.

In "Real World" time, their courtship lasts maybe ten minutes, playing out like a well-acted episode of "Saved by the Bell." Thankfully, the editors spared us the note passing and giggling in the hallway. In a rare show of maturity, however brief, Colin initially rejects Amaya's advances, despite letting her sleep in his bed regularly. He finally caves and buys her belated Valentine's Day gifts, like a stuffed animal and a helium balloon. And the happy couple finally kisses on the beach. Aww.

Okay, can we have some drama now? Please?

Kaia, too, reverts to her pre-teen years, agreeing to go out with a guy only because he offers front-row tickets to a Janet Jackson concert. (Janet Jackson? Marge, we never knew!) Kaia quickly falls for him, though, especially when he sends her a gigantic bouquet of flowers.

Unlike last week's episode, Justin actually makes more than one brief appearance this week, even if it is just as a footnote to Colin and Amaya's romance. We even hear from him in an interview. Sadly, he's just not living up to my expectations as the one sane person in the house, the antidote for all the whining. The looks of passionate disinterest are there: when Amaya tells Justin about some guy she's flirting with at the surf shop/coffeehouse, his "whatever" look is priceless, but it's still not enough. This house needs its ass kicked, and Justin just isn't doing it. Maybe he's just smart enough to stay away.

Last night, for the first time, I actually felt a little guilty about judging this cast. Kaia shares the details of her father's death, from AIDS-related brain cancer, and for once, her musings don't sound like complete pop-psychological BS. Maybe all that jargon is just a cover for her deep-rooted insecurities. And Amaya reveals to Colin the source of some of her issues — she was sexually assaulted by a close friend. Those sorts of traumatic experiences could certainly explain their irritating, immature and increasingly erratic behavior. I wish we had known this before. Heck, I wish we had been given some insight into these people beyond their seemingly shallow day-to-day actions. My guilt is forcing me to give them a little slack now, however. At least until next week.

And was I the only one really hoping for some creative editing during this episode? Tell me that the following quote wasn't ripe for dubbing over some incriminating footage:

Amaya: "There's this side of Colin that most of the roommates have not gotten to see yet."

So full of potential. There's always next week, I suppose.