1.1 The End

[A corridor in the ship. Grey walls, machinery here and there, you know the drill. Rimmer is carrying a clipboard; behind him comes Lister, pushing a trolley full of tools and spare parts.]

Lister: [Sings] To Gannymede and Titan, yes sir I've been around....

Rimmer: Have you ever been hit over the head with a welding mallet? Just shut up and push the trolley.

Lister: [Mock salute] Yes, Sir, Rimmer!

[They approach a food dispenser.]

Rimmer: Right, corridor 159.

[Lister begins humming.]

Rimmer: Lister, shut up!

Lister: I'm only humming.

Rimmer: Well don't.

[Lister stops humming and continues the tune by holding his mouth open and slapping his cheeks.]

Rimmer: Lister, don't hum and don't make any stupid sounds with your cheeks.

[Lister stops slapping his cheeks and continues the tune by making clicking sounds in his throat.]

Rimmer: Lister, one more sound, anything, and you're on report, my laddo. What job number's this?

[Lister mimes talking without making a sound.]

Rimmer: Right, that's it. [Begins writing on his clipboard.] Lister, D, Third Technician. Offence, obstructing a superior technician by humming, clicking, and being quiet. When the Captain sees this you're dead.

Lister: Rimmer, I'm bored!

Rimmer: Bored? This is essential routine maintenance! It's absolutely vital for the well-being of this crew, this mission, and this ship. [Checks his clipboard.] Dispenser 172. Chicken soup nozzle clogged. Pass me a 14-B, Lister.

[Lister hands him a small white tube.]

Rimmer: Lister, is this a 14-B? Does it look even remotely like a 14-B? [Reaches into the parts trolley and pulls out another small white tube, indistinguishable from the first.]This is a 14-B, Lister. This [the original] is a 14-F. Are you blind?

Lister: Who cares?

Rimmer: I care, Lister! [Looks at them, realises he can't tell the difference either, quickly picks one (actually his one) at random and returns it to the trolley.] It's my career, Lister. I'm the one who gets it in the neck if an officer comes along, orders chicken soup, and gets black currant cordial with blancmange and two creams and a sugar. [As he says this he installs the 14-something in the dispenser unit.] Chicken soup.

[The machine hums and dispenses a cup of something. Rimmer takes a sip of it, grimaces in disgust, and spits it out.]

Rimmer: Yep. That's working.

Lister: It's stupid anyway, all this maintenance business. The only reason they don't give this job to the service robots is they've got a better union than us. [He picks up the cup of soup. His reaction is the same as Rimmer's, but he drinks the rest of it anyway. They move off.]

Rimmer: Lister, that is absolute nonsense.[Checks his clipboard.] Botanical gardens, faulty pourer circuit, and corridor 147, sticking door.

Lister: It's true, though, you know, Rimmer. You rank below all four of those service robots. Even the one that's gone absolutely mad.

Rimmer: Well, Lister, not for long, matey. Up, up, up, that's where I'm going.

Lister: Not until you pass your engineer's exam. And you won't do that, because you'll just go in there and flunk again.

Rimmer: Lister, last time I only failed by the narrowest of narrow margins.

Lister: You what? You walked in there, wrote 'I am a fish' four hundred times, did a funny little dance, and fainted.

Rimmer: That's a total lie.

Lister: No, it's not. Peterson told me.

Rimmer: 'No, it's not. Peterson told me.' Lister, if you must know, what I did was, I wrote a discourse on pourer circuits which was simply too radical, too unconventional, too mould-breaking for the examiners to accept.

Lister: Yeah. You said you were a fish.

Rimmer: Is that a cigarette you're smoking, Lister?

Lister: No. It's a chicken.

Rimmer: Right! You're on report. Two times in as many minutes, Lister, I don't know.

[Another crew member (Frank Todhunter) walks up to them.]

Todhunter: Rimmer, Lister.

Rimmer: Yes, sir. [Stands to attention and salutes.]

Lister: Yo, Todhunter, get down!

Todhunter: Indeed. Now, Rimmer, I'm just going through MacIntyre's artefacts, and I see that you've filed 247 complaints against Lister.

Rimmer: [Looking proud of himself.] Yes, sir.

Todhunter: That's 123 counts of insulting a superior technician, 39 counts of dereliction of duty, 84 counts of general insubordination, and one count of mutiny.

Rimmer: Yes, sir.

Todhunter: Mutiny, Lister?

Lister: I stood on his toe.

Rimmer: Maliciously, and with intent to wound.

Lister: It was an accident!

Rimmer: Lister, I put it to you, how is it possible to stand on one small toe by accident? You didn't stand on my toe at all, you stood on my entire foot, thereby obstructing a superior technician in pursuit of vital duty.

Lister: But the vital duty was him going to snap my guitar in half!

Rimmer: Whereupon you leapt from the top bunk onto the whole of my right foot.

Todhunter: All right, that's enough.

Rimmer: [Ignoring him.] Had there been a crisis situation, Lister, I would have had to perform my duties hopping, clearly putting the ship at risk, clearly therefore mutiny.

Todhunter: Finished?

Rimmer: [Still ignoring him.] However, I'm not a vindictive man, so I don't intend to apply for the death penalty.

Todhunter: There are 169 people on this ship. You, Rimmer, are over one man. Why can't you two get on?

Lister: You see, I try, sir. I'm not an insubordinate man by nature. I try and respect Rimmer and everything, but it's not easy, 'cause he's such a smeghead.

Rimmer: Did you hear that, sir? Lister, do you have any conception of the penalty for describing a superior technician as a smeghead?

Todhunter: Oh, Rimmer. [Claps him on the shoulder.] You are a smeghead.

[Todhunter leaves them. Lister is cracking up with laughter.]

Rimmer: You heard that, Lister. Todhunter, with respect, sir, your career's finished, you big lig!


[After a quick shot of the ship from outside, we cut to Lister and Rimmer's cabin. Rimmer is sitting on the bottom bunk writing on his arm. Lister reaches down from the top bunk to pick up his guitar.]

Rimmer: You touch that guitar, Lister, I'll remove the E string and garrotte you with it.

Lister: Can I do anything? Is it OK if I breathe? Can I breathe? [He does so, into Rimmer's face.]

Rimmer: Lister, I have an exam tomorrow, which I intend to pass.

Lister: I know, yeah. By cheating.

Rimmer: This is not cheating! [Holds up his arm, with mathematical-looking stuff written all over it.] It's merely an aid to memory. Helps me marshal the facts already in my command.

Lister: What does? Copying the entire textbooks onto your body? Why don't you hand your body in and let them mark that?

Rimmer: Lister, do you think it's easy for someone like me to become an officer? Someone who wasn't Academy educated? Someone who didn't have the right nobby background? Someone who didn't have the right parents?

Lister: You didn't have the right parents? Whose parents did you have?

Rimmer: My parents. The wrong parents.

Lister: I'm just saying, you know, if you can't pass fair and square, why bother?

Rimmer: Well, you would, Lister, because you've got no ambition, no drive. You're perfectly content to be the lowest rank on this ship.

Lister: I'm not the lowest rank on this ship. What about the laboratory mice? I tell those mice to do something, they've got to jump to it. [Squeaky voice.] 'Yes, sir, Mr Lister, sir! Eee, eee, eee, eee...'

Rimmer: Lister, you are a nothing.

Lister: I'm not a nothing! I've got me plan.

Rimmer: What's that, the plan to be the slobbiest entity in the entire universe?

Lister: No. Me five year plan. You see, I'm going to do two more trips, and I've been saving up all me pay--

Rimmer: Since when?

Lister: Since always. That's why I never buy any soap or deodorant or socks or anything like that, you know. Anyway, I'm going to buy meself a little farm on Fiji, and I'm going to get a sheep and a cow, and breed horses.

Rimmer: With a sheep and a cow?

Lister: No, with horses and horses.

Rimmer: On Fiji?

Lister: Yeah, the prices there are unbelievable.

Rimmer: Yes, because they had a volcanic eruption and now most of Fiji's three feet below sea level!

Lister: It's only three feet. They can wade. That's why the animals are going to have to be quite tall.

Rimmer: Nice plan, Lister. Excellent plan! Brilliant plan, Lister! What about the sheep? What are you going to do, buy them water-wings? Better still, you could cross-breed them with dolphins and have leaping mutton.

[Gestures with his pen to represent a woolly dolphin leaping out of the water.] Baa, splash, baa, splash.

Lister: You can get a drainage grant these days.

Rimmer: Why bother, Lister? You could be the first man to produce wet-look knitwear.

Lister: Look, this is why I never ever said anything to you, 'cause I knew you'd say something like this.

Rimmer: Lister, you've got the brain of a cheese sandwich. [Mimes swimming and puts on a Mummerset voice.] 'Mornin', Farmer Lister, I'm just poppin' down to the shops in my submarine. Can I buy you anything?'

[There's a honking sound, and Holly's face appears on a monitor.]

Holly: The 'Welcome Back George MacIntyre' reception is about to begin in the refectory. George says he'd like to invite everybody, especially those who weren't able to attend his funeral.

[Rimmer and Lister get up. Rimmer picks up Lister's jacket and starts to hand it to him, then drops it on the floor. Lister kicks Rimmer from behind as they leave.]


[Another quick outside shot of the ship, then we cut to the mess, and MacIntyre's party. At the front of the room, Todhunter, Captain Hollister, and a hologram of George MacIntyre are sitting at a table. The Captain stands.]

Captain Hollister: Folks, today is a day for both sadness and joy. Sadness, for the passing away of George, and joy, because George is back with us, albeit as a hologram. Now some of you may not have travelled with a hologram before, so I ask you to treat him as a normal man, because he is in every respect like George. He has George's personality and George's knowledge and experience. Of course, he can't lift anything or touch anything, so I ask you to co-operate with his requests. And please, take every care not to walk through him, not even when you're in a hurry. Thank you.

[General applause, and cries of 'Speech! Speech!']

George: I want to thank everybody for giving me such a marvellous funeral. I've just seen the vid. And I want to thank the Captain for his beautiful eulogy. Beautiful. But I still don't understand why he didn't use the one I wrote. [General laughter.] This must seem pretty spooky for everyone, but I don't want you to think of me as someone who's dead, more as someone who's no longer a threat to your marriages. I think Joe knows what I'm talking about.
[Laughter from everyone except one guy, presumably Joe.] As you know, Holly's only capable of sustaining one hologram, so my advice to anyone more vital to the mission than me is, if you die, I'll kill you. [Applause.]

Todhunter: Please be upstanding for the cutting of the cake.

[The Captain cuts the cake.]

Todhunter: [Raising his glass.] Flight Co-ordinator George MacIntyre.

All: George!

[As the toast is drunk, we hear the sound of someone, probably Lister, gargling into his glass.]

Captain Hollister: OK, just one thing before the disco. Holly tells me that he's sensed a non-human life form aboard.

Lister: Sir, it's Rimmer!

Captain Hollister: We don't know what it is, Lister. So just be careful, OK?

Lister: I'm turning you in, Rimmer.

[Rimmer pulls out his notebook and pointedly begins to write.]

Lister: [And his friends.] Ooooh!


[Cut to Lister and Rimmer's cabin. Rimmer is wearing shorts and singlet, and every visible part of his skin is covered with notes.]

Rimmer: Right, they're bound to ask the right thigh, which is 10 per cent. They must ask the left thigh, which is 20 per cent. They've got to ask one of the forearms. Which means I've passed already; anything on the left shin's a bonus! Right. [Looks at one arm.] 'CUTIE'. Current under tension is ... what's this? Current under tension is equal? Current under tension is expandable? Current under tension is expensive? What does this mean? [Begins to panic.] What does any of it mean? I've covered my body in complete and utter and total absolute nonsense gibberish! Aaaargh! Just relax, relax, relax, relax--
[Lister, sleeping in the top bunk, is woken up by Rimmer's raving. Rimmer notices and makes an effort to appear calm.]

Rimmer: Er, plus 20 per cent of the ship's course minus the Pythagoras' theorem multiplied by two over the X axis minus one equals the total velocity of 'Red Dwarf', which means I know everything about astro-engineering, good morning Lister for probably the last time.

Lister: You've got it all down, have you, Rimmer?

Rimmer: Couple of blanks [slaps his buttocks] but I think we're there.

Lister: So you can't remember anything?

Rimmer: Think what you will, Lister.[Begins to pull on his overalls.]

Lister: Rimmer, F, I, S, H, that's how you spell 'fish'. Then you just keel over. I'm sure it'll all come flooding back to you.

Rimmer: Dry up, Lister.

[The intercom honks.]

Holly: Will entrants for the engineer's examination now make their way to the teaching room.

Lister: No, Rimmer, honestly, good luck.

Rimmer: It's all right, Lister. I'm in complete and total control.

[Rimmer picks up his briefcase and leaves the cabin, turning right. After a short pause, he hurries back across the doorway in the opposite direction.]

Lister: Lock. [Nothing happens.] Lock![The door closes.]

[Lister climbs down from his bunk. We hear faint meows. He opens a locker, pulls out a bottle of milk and a bowl, and goes over to an air conditioning grating on the wall.]

Lister: Frankenstein. Come on, Frankenstein.[He puts the bowl on the floor and pours some milk into it, spilling half of it all over the floor. Then he opens the grating and lifts out a large black cat.] Oh, but you're getting really big now, you know. I hope it's not twins, you've already got all me milk ration. Never mind, when the baby cat comes, maybe we can give him water and pretend it's milk. It's only a baby cat, it won't know, eh? [Pulls a photo out of his pocket.] Do you want to see my picture of Fiji again, Frankie? You're going to love it there. Look. [He holds the photo up to the cat, who looks the other way.]


[Cut to the examination room, where Rimmer and several others are taking the exam. Todhunter is monitoring.]

Todhunter: OK, everybody. You've got three hours. No modems, no speaking slide rules. Turn over and start. Good luck.
[Rimmer examines his paper, looking more and more confused. He looks around at the others, but they all seem to be doing OK. Finally (after checking that Todhunter isn't looking) he rolls up his sleeve -- only to discover that he's smeared all his notes into illegibility! After sitting there in mortal terror for a moment, he simply slams his hand down on the paper to leave an inky palm print, signs it, stands up, gives the bemused Todhunter a spectacularly precise salute, and faints.]


[Cut to the bridge. Various people doing the usual technical-looking things that people do on spaceship bridges in SF TV series. Lister walks in and goes to Kristine Kochanski's station.]

Lister: Hi. Where's the Captain's office?

Kristine Kochanski It's over there. Where it says 'Captain's Office'. Where it's always said 'Captain's Office'.

Lister: So that's the Captain's office! So how are you then?

Kristine Kochanski Fine.

Lister: Do you know what he wants to see me for?

Kristine Kochanski Yes, I think you've been promoted to Admiral.

Lister: Yeah?

Kristine Kochanski Yeah. For your diligence and general devotion to duty.

Lister: Yeah!

[Captain Hollister walks in from his office.]

Captain Hollister: Lister!

Lister: [Following the Captain back into his office.] You asked to see me, Captain?

Captain Hollister: Where's the cat?

Lister: What? What cat?

Captain Hollister: Lister, not only are you so stupid you bring aboard an unquarantined animal and jeopardise every man and woman on this ship, not only that, but you take a photograph of yourself with the cat and send it to be processed in the ship's lab. Now, I'm going to ask you again. Do you have a cat?

Lister: No.

Captain Hollister: [Holding up a photo of Lister and Frankenstein.] Have you got a cat?

Lister: Er, yes, that one.

Captain Hollister: Where'd you get it? Titan?

Lister: Yes.

Captain Hollister: Don't you realise that that thing could be carrying anything? Don't you remember what happened on the "Oregon" with the rabbits? Lister, a loose animal aboard this ship could get anywhere. It could get into the air ducts. It could get into Holly. You know, a little nibble here and a little nibble there, Lister, and before you know it we're flying backwards. Now I want that cat, and I want it now.

Lister: Sir, just suppose I did have a cat, just suppose ... what would you do with Frankenstein?

Captain Hollister: I'd send it down to the medical centre, and I'd have it cut up and tests run on it.

Lister: Would you put it back together when you'd finished?

Captain Hollister: Lister, the cat would be dead.

Lister: So, with respect, sir, what's in it for the cat?

Captain Hollister: Lister, give me that cat!

Lister: It's not as easy as that! Me and the cat, we're going to have a baby cat, and we're going to buy a farm on Fiji, and we're going to have a sheep and a cow and three horses, it's me plan, and no-one can get in the way of it, not even you, and I do respect you. Sir.

Captain Hollister: Lister, do you want to go into stasis for the rest of the trip and forfeit 18 months' wages?

Lister: No

Captain Hollister: Choose.


[Cut to a corridor somewhere in the ship. Lister and Todhunter are standing outside a stasis booth. Two medical technicians wheel Rimmer past on a stretcher.]

Lister: Is this going to hurt?

Todhunter: Haven't you ever travelled interstellar?

Lister: No.

Todhunter: Oh, you don't feel a thing. The stasis room creates a static field of time. See, just as X-rays can't pass through lead, time cannot penetrate a stasis field, so, although you exist, you no longer exists in time, and for you, time itself does not exist. You see, although you're still a mass, you are no longer an event in space-time, you are a non-event mass with a quantum probability of zero.

Lister: Oh. Simple as that, eh?

[Todhunter opens the door, and Lister steps inside.]

Lister: OK, I'm ready.

Todhunter: See you in 18 months.[Closes the door.] Holly, activate the stasis field.

Holly: OK, Frank.

[We see Lister waving through a window in the door. Suddenly he freezes.]


[Cut to an extended outside shot of the ship, then back to the stasis booth. Lister unfreezes, the door opens, and he walks out.]

Holly: Good morning, Dave. It is now safe for you to emerge from stasis.

Lister: I've only just gone in.

Holly: Please proceed to the Drive Room for debriefing.

[Lister walks down the corridor, looking around. As he enters the mess, he notices small piles of white powder on some of the tables.]

Lister: Where is everybody, Hol?[Sticks his finger in one of the piles of white powder and tastes it.]

Holly: [Appearing on a monitor on the wall.] They're dead, Dave.

Lister: Who is?

Holly: Everybody, Dave.

Lister: What, Captain Hollister?

Holly: Everybody's dead, Dave.

Lister: What, Todhunter?

Holly: Everybody's dead, Dave.

Lister: What, Selby?

Holly: They're all dead. Everybody's dead, Dave.


[Cut to another corridor. Lister is still trying to understand what Holly is saying; you get the impression the conversation has been going on for some time.]

Lister: Peterson isn't, is he?

Holly: Everybody is dead, Dave.

Lister: Not Chen?

Holly: Gordon Bennett, yes, Chen, everybody. Everybody's dead, Dave.

Lister: Rimmer?

Holly: He's dead, everybody's dead, Dave, everybody is dead, Dave!

Lister: Wait. Are you trying to tell me everybody's dead?

Holly: Wish I'd never let him out in the first place now.


[Cut to the Drive Room. Lister enters. There are more of the little piles of white powder everywhere.]

Lister: How?

Holly: The drive plate was inefficiently repaired. It blew, and the entire crew was subjected to a lethal dose of cadmium 2 before I could seal the area.

Lister: [Brushes the powder off a chair and sits in it.] Oh, this is terrible. And why is it so dirty around here, Hol? What is this stuff? [Dips his finger in another pile and tastes it.]

Holly: That is Catering Officer Olaf Peterson.

Lister: [Quickly spitting it out.] Aaaah! I've been eating half the crew! And who's that?

Holly: That's Captain Hollister.

Lister: And that's Todhunter.

Holly: No, that's Second Technician Rimmer.

Lister: Oh, yeah. I didn't recognise him without his report book. What was Rimmer doing in the Drive Room?

Holly: He was explaining to the Captain why he hadn't sealed the drive plate properly.

Lister: So wait on. How long was I in stasis?

Holly: Well, I couldn't release you until the radiation reached a safe background level.

Lister: How long?

Holly: Three million years.

Lister: Three million years! [Pause.] I've still got that library book. And what about Krissie? What about Krissie Kochanski?

Holly: She's dead, Dave.

Lister: Oh, hey...

Holly: I don't suppose it's any consolation, but if she were still alive, the age difference would be insurmountable.

Lister: She was part of me plan. I never got round to telling her, but she was going to come with me to Fiji. She was going to wear a white dress and ride the horses and I was going to take care of everything else. It was me plan. I planned it.

Holly: Well, she won't be much use to you on Fiji now. Not unless it snows and you need something to grit the path with.

Lister: Holly!

Holly: Sorry. I'm sorry about that. I've been on my own for three million years, and I'm just used to saying what I think. I think I've gone a bit peculiar, to tell you the truth.

Lister: So everyone's dead? I'm on me own? There's just me?

Holly: Well, technically speaking, yes.

Lister: What do you mean, "technically speaking"?

[Rimmer walks in. He's a hologram.]

Rimmer: Hello, Lister. Long time no see.

Lister: Rimmer! You're a hologram!

Rimmer: Yes. That's because I'm dead. Dead as a can of spam. And it's all thanks to you.

Lister: Me? What did I do?

Rimmer: If you hadn't kept that stupid cat, Lister, and hadn't been sent to stasis, I would have had some help when I was mending the drive plate, and I wouldn't be dead.

Lister: What's it like?

Rimmer: Death? It's like being on holiday with a group of Germans.

Lister: No, I mean being a hologram.

[Lister waves his hand through Rimmer's stomach. Rimmer jumps back in disgust, and Lister looks at his hand in amazement.]

Rimmer: Do you mind? Being a hologram is fine, Lister. I still have the same drives, the same feelings, the same emotions, but I can't touch anything. Never again will I be able to brush a rose against my cheek, cradle a laughing child, or interfere with a woman sexually.

Lister: Rimmer, you never used to do any of those things anyway.

Rimmer: But I would have done one day, murderer!

Lister: Hey, hey! I didn't do anything! It was you who didn't fix the drive plates properly.

Rimmer: [Looking at one of the piles of powder.] Is this me here?

Lister: Yeah.

Rimmer: Me?

Lister: Come on, Rimmer, look on the bright side.

Rimmer: The bright side? What bright side? I'm dead, I'm composed entirely of light, and I'm alone in space with a man who'd lose a battle of wits with a stuffed iguana. Where's the bright side?

Lister: What's an iguana? And look, look, you're not dead, are you? I mean, you're dead, but you're not dead dead, because you're still here, aren't you?

Rimmer: Lister, I'm not really here! I'm not really me! Don't you see? I'm a computer simulation of me. That's me, there, that pile of albino mouse droppings.

Lister: Come on. Lot's of people have died. lots of people have died and then gone on and done really, really well. You're a hologram. So what?

Rimmer: I suppose you're right, Lister. I've got to pull myself together. But you've got to help me. You've got to be my hands and my touch.

Lister: I know the sort of things you like to touch. No way, Rimmer. Forget it.

Rimmer: Are you smoking, Lister? In the Drive Room?

Lister: Yeah. I stopped for quite a while, but I'm back on them now.

Rimmer: You're on report, squire.[Reaches for his notebook, which isn't there.] I can't write it down. I'll remember it.

Lister: Ohhh ... Rimmer, look, I know it's wrong of me to speak ill of the dead and all that, but you're still a smeghead.

Rimmer: I beg your pardon?

Lister: [Leaving the room.] I said, you're still a smeghead.

Rimmer: Lister, do you have any conception of the penalty for describing a deceased superior officer as a smeghead?[He goes to lean on a table, and falls through it.]


[Cut to a corridor. Rimmer is following Lister.]

Rimmer: Lister, will you listen to me? Just listen to me. Just shut up. Shut up.
[They proceed out of sight. After they're gone, a panel falls off the wall, and a guy dressed in a pink suit climbs out of an air duct. This is the Cat. He does a somersault and three twirls.]

Cat: Aaahhh, ooowww, eee! How am I looking?[Pulls out a small mirror.] Looking nice. No, wait a minute. I'm looking better than nice. I'm looking dangerous. Aaaoooww, dangerous! Aaaooowww -- hey, what's that? Oh, it's my shadow. Hey, even my shadow's looking nice! I'm looking nice, my shadow's looking nice, what a team! We are unbelievable! OK, team, this way. No, this way. Aaaooowww, yeah. This way!


[Cut to another corridor. Rimmer is still following Lister.]

Rimmer: Lister, just hold your horses. Listen to me--

[He's interrupted by the Cat spinning into view.]

Cat: Aaaooowww! [Notices Lister and Rimmer.] Oh, oh. Better make myself look big!

[The Cat holds up his claws and looks fierce. Lister and Rimmer turn tail and run.]

Cat: Hee hee hee! Fearsome. I was fearsome! Me and my shadow, ooohhh, come on boy, walking down the avenue...


[Cut to the mess. Lister and Rimmer are backing away from the door, until Lister backs into a table and nearly jumps out of his skin.]

Lister: Aaahhh! Holly, what was that?

Holly: During the radioactive crisis, Dave, your cat and her kittens were safely sealed in the hold, and they've been breeding there for three million years, and have evolved into the life form you just saw in the corridor.

Lister: I don't get it.

Holly: Well, you know how mankind evolved from apes?

Lister: Yeah, I know that.

Holly: He evolved from cats. His ancestors were cats, he's descended from cats, he is a cat.

[Suddenly the Cat enters the room.]

Cat: Aaahhh, ooohhh, yeah-- [Suddenly freezes as he notices the others.]

Lister: Hello ... Cat?

Cat: [Noticing something on his sleeve.] Whoa! Crease! [Pulls out a small steam iron and runs it over the sleeve.]

Rimmer: Stand back, Lister.

[Screaming incoherently, Rimmer takes up a Kung Fu posture and leaps at the cat, hands and feet flying everywhere. He passes straight through the astonished Cat and disappears out the door.]


[Cut to Lister and Rimmer's cabin. Lister retrieves the milk and bowl and some cereal from his locker and pours some out.]

Lister: Here you go, Cat.

Cat: Ah, Krispies!

Lister: Holly says you like these.

Cat: Mmmm!

[Lister puts the bowl down on the floor, in the place he used to feed Frankenstein.]

Cat: Hey! You monkeys eat off thefloor? Ain't you got no style or sophistication?

Lister: Oh, I'm sorry, Cat, I'm sorry.[Picks up the bowl and puts it on the table in front of the Cat.]

Cat: You people are unbelievable.[Starts to lick up the cereal and milk with his tongue.]

Lister: Where are all your other catty friends, Cat?

Cat: Good Krispies, man!

Lister: But where are all the other little kitties? Are they gone? Are they dead? Have they left you?

Rimmer: Who cares? I want it off the ship!

Lister: No! He's coming home with us, aren't you, Cat?

Rimmer: Home? And where exactly is home supposed to be?

Lister: Earth.

Rimmer: Earth? What makes you think there'll be any Earth, Lister? And even if there is, look what it's done to a household pet in three million years. Can you imagine what humankind has evolved into? To them, you'll be the equivalent of the slime that first crawled out of the oceans.

Lister: I could smarten meself up a bit.

Rimmer: Naah, you're a dinosaur, you're extinct, you've got nothing.

Lister: Hey, hey! I've still got me plan. And I've still got a cat. OK, it's not Frankenstein, but it's still a cat.

Cat: Did you say Frankenstein?

Lister: Yeah, she was your great, great, great, great, great, great grandmother or something.

Cat: The Holy Mother? The Virgin Birth? No-one believes that stuff!

Rimmer: The Virgin Birth?!

Lister: No, it was a big black tom on Titan.

Cat: Frankenstein, yeah! I remember that stuff from kitty school. The Holy Mother, saved by Cloister the Stupid, who was frozen in time, and who gaveth of his life that we might live...

Lister: No! No, it's not Cloister, it's me, it's Lister! It's Lister the ... stupid?!

Cat: ...Who shall returneth to lead us to Fushal, the Promised Land.

Lister: No, it's not Fushal, it's Fiji! And I will! I'll lead you there. [To Rimmer.] That's where we're going. Holly, plot a course for Fiji. Look out, Earth -- the slime is coming home!