11/3/01
9:09 pm GMT

Toby Banks

Year of the fish

Nineteen ninety-three was the year that animal abuse was at last confronted. 'Wet sabs' harassed anglers, but assured them that they 'don't regard them as maniacs' (I'm sure the feeling is mutual). 'Animal rights' lunatics threatened Telstar, the company responsible for the new Pinky and Perky record (which 'exploits farm animals'), and the director of Twycross Zoo withdrew his apes from the PG Tips commercials when she became 'uneasy about their wigs and violent clothing'.

The RSPCA cracked down hard on fish abusers, in particular the 'disco fish' craze (presumably they're the ones that swim in circles around a little plastic handbag). 'They suffer greatly for the sake of fashion', said RSPCA Wildlife Officer Tim Thomas. Of course, the owners are to blame, and RSPCA inspector Mark Turner has strong views on this kind of thing. It was he who exposed the 'home alone' fish scandal. Following a tip-off from an electricity meter reader, he stuck a piece of tape over David Sharod's door to check whether Mr Sharod returned home to feed his South American sucker fish. Finding the tape unbroken three days later, he entered the house, rescued the 'distressed' creatures, and (unsuccessfully) prosecuted Mr Sharod for fish abuse.

Similar community spirit was shown by the West Midlands police, who rushed to a Wolverhampton council estate to arrest a 17-year old for threatening behaviour - while alone in his mum's garden shed, wherein he had locked himself after a row about tidying his bedroom.

Plainclothes police at Labour conferences wear ID badges describing themselves as Labour staff, and one was caught out by his photo, which showed him in his helmet. The good news is that nobody in the Labour and Order Party would have minded if he'd worn his helmet. There would be no problems in the Democratic Left either: the former Communist Party's dull little paper was targeted by the Police Federation for an advertising campaign encouraging trade unionists to support the police against the Sheehy reforms. 'Police attitudes are changing as they face mounting political attack from the government', said the paper's editor: 'Some of us on the left are also changing and becoming more open and pluralistic. We welcome this opportunity to develop greater understanding.'

This softening-up of the force has been going on for quite a while: Alison Halford, the former Assistant Chief Constable who took the police to court over sex discrimination, revealed that 'I nearly didn't get into the force because of my green hair'. That's right - nearly didn't get in. I would be interested to hear of any other sightings of green-haired plods.

And speaking of colourful figures, John Major's swearing incident gave his beleaguered press office a ray of hope. The Star printed the year's most dismal publicity puff, claiming that 'overnight, he has become as colourful a figure as the language he uses in private'. Well, **** me, John.

The blurring of left and right continued. Tory plans to abolish the despised May Day holiday were scuppered by the CBI. And in a year of increasing industrial accidents, and particularly pit accidents, it was revealing to note how union officials scrupulously referred to the tragedies befalling their 'colleagues', while the Queen sent commiserations to the bereaved's relatives and 'comrades'. Meanwhile at Sandhurst there was concern that recruits no longer showed leadership qualities, and seemed unsure of their destinies: the general in charge of recruitment reported that many thought Winston Churchill 'too right-wing', although 50 per cent were of more moderate disposition, naming Hitler as a great leader - 'although he didn't achieve all his objectives'.

Farewell then, June 22nd Group, founded to denounce Thatcherism five years ago. The group, which included Fay Weldon, Harold Pinter, Lady Antonia Fraser, Salman Rushdie, John Mortimer and decided to call it a day because of other commitments (like campaigning against McDonald's opening in Hampstead village). 'A lot of the energy has seeped into Charter '88', says Margaret Drabble; but where it seeped after that, nobody knows.

Those of you who haven't done your Christmas shopping yet should still find plenty of the following in the shops: A Year in Provence wine, personally signed by Peter Mayle; Love Over Gold, the novel of the Gold Blend ads; and last, but by no means least, Judge Pickles' debut novel, featuring the smutty adventures of 'private secretary Anona "No-Knickers" Chandelle-Sweet'.

Royal quotes of the year:

' No matter how poor you are, you can't let royalty down.' (Woman who gave up her holiday to buy a dress to wear when she met Princess Diana.)

'I'm afraid I haven't got a lot of money right now.' (Princess Diana, after being asked for £20 by a little black boy who thought she was a 'nice rich lady who'd be a soft touch'.)

'This chap can throw money about like confetti. It's obscene.'

(Irate neighbour of Sheikh Zayad bin Sultan. Neighbour on the other side: Her Majesty the Queen, Windsor Castle.)

And finally, the man of the year and the thought of the year. The irrepressible Judge Pickles has been the subject of rumours in Hollywood, where a prominent actress claims to have taken his virginity; he has boasted of his speeding antics on dual carriageways; and he has still found time, when not writing racy blockbusters, to give us the benefit of his wisdom in the pages of the Star, a paper whose decision to ban 0898 numbers has freed up plenty of room for m'lud's dirty talk. Of the many helpful things he has said over the year, one stands out - a 'thought for the day', printed under the legend, 'My final sentence...' (and above the legend: 'Tomorrow: TV's sexiest barmaid'): 'I'm no fan of MP Winston Churchill, but he had the guts to say about black immigration what millions think but few dare express.'

Merry Christmas.

Reproduced from Living Marxism issue 62, December 1993

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