Why did we choose this definition of "lion"? What does it mean? It means that I (and all the people inside of this body) think I am worth saving. That I am important.. Strong. Courageous. Proud. I am Lions.
Who is "Lions"? I am a 27 year old lesbian woman. I am a survivor of Satanic Ritual Abuse. I have been diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder. There are approximately 45 different personalities within this one body. Some of my (and the other alter personalities) hobbies include being involved in the Society for Creative Anachronism, writing (mostly poetry), reading, woodcarving, painting, fishing, and, most of all, collecting lions.
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"Lions" is a nickname that we, as a collective, chose for ourselves. It seems to suit us in the fact that we are proud, courageous people. In the fact that we take care of each other, much like a real lion pride would.
Our system includes children, adults and teenagers. It includes men and women. It also includes one very ancient person that some have said comprises our soul. There are gay males, bisexual women, and several lesbians. Most of us do not engage in sex or sexual behaviour though.
We reside in the Midwest. We live in a mid-sized town of approximately 10,000 people. While the town lacks for much culture, it offers some security and protection.
We have attended four years of college, though we haven't been able to agree on a major. Some of our majors have been English Education, Special Education, and Psychology. We are only a few credits from completing several of these majors. We hope to finish college and obtain a PhD some day. (If only we can ever decide what it is we want to do.)
There are many reason why I think I was able to survive the abuse I went through. The primary reason is my strong will to live. This has helped me by giving me the strength to go on, even when I did not want to. And quite frankly, sometimes I get angry for not being able to give in. It would be easier some days. But, somewhere inside of myself is that little kernel of hope. It doesn't matter how small it is, if it exsists, it will prevail.
The second predominate reason I survived is the creativity it takes to be able to dissociate. That ability, which truly is a gift, allowed me to create a world that was better for myself. A place where I could go to get away from whatever was happening in reality. While it is true that some part of me (another alter) was aware of, and did participate in, the pain and abuse, most of us were kept safe from that. This allowed us to go on, to function as if there were nothing wrong in the world. It allowed us to create a safe alternate reality. And, it allowed us to forget the pain and abuse.
The third way of survival was a strong belief in the overall good of mankind. There are some days I really wish I could be angry at the whole world, blame them somehow for what happened to me. But, the fact of the matter is, most people are kind and decent human beings. They can't help it if a few rotten apples spoil the whole bunch. It is with the knowledge of human decency that I can attempt to figure out what happened, to put the pieces together, and to try to trust someone to help me through this process. Believe me, without other people to talk to, I may not have survived this far. And it is here that I want to thank the people that have helped me come this far:
Copyright 1997 Judy O'Laighin
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