Press Releases and News Clippings

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List of Releases

• A hat thrown in the ring
• Thor And Odin Promise to be tough on crime
• Christian Coalition attacks hopefuls
• Campaign gains momentum
• Candidate leads team to victory
• Trophy Missing
• Candidate Performs on Letterman
• Trophy Held for Ransom
• Candidates' Eligibility Challenged
• Candidate Explains Absense
• Candidate discovered in Drag, Opponents claim
• Candidate Admits He Wore a Dress
• Bifrost-gate Haunts Elephants and Donkeys
• Candidates amazed at results

In a surprise move, Thor and Odin announced their candacy for President and Vice President of the United States of America. A throng of surprised reporters flocked at the Bifrost Toll Gate to hear the news. When asked why they had decided to enter the race, Odin replied, "We thought it was about time to take an active role once more in the affairs of Middle Earth." Although they are not native born United States citizens, there is a fairly obscure loophole that allows them to run : anyone who was alive when the constitution was written did not have to be born in the USA to be president.

When asked about their platform, few details were offered, except to say that they would support a strong military ("Speak loudly and carry a huge hammer"), and a return to traditional, old-fashioned values. "None of this new-fangled nuclear family garbage," Thor added in a thundrous voice. "We support the extended family, including clans and tribes."

At the close of the press conference, the two deities announced plans for a question and answer session later this week.

Thor And Odin Promise to be tough on crime

Meeting reporters once again from the Bifrost Tollgate, Thor and Odin held an open forum question and answer session. Topics included crime, the economy, family values, and religeous views.

Following are excerpts from the session.

Q.

What do you propose be done about the rampages of crime in our country?

A.

It's simple. Crack down on offenders. Hang them from an oak tree. and you don't even have the cost of a good rope. Leave them hanging until they drop as a lesson to other potential criminals.

Q.

Isn't that cruel and unusual punishment?

A.

You're right. We wouldn't want to harm the tree. One of the major arguments for capital punishment is its deterrant factor. If it takes years, and is done behind walls where noone can see, what sort of deterrant is that?

Q.

Is it true that you are in favour of allowing citizens to walk the streets armed?

A.

Most definately. All of the laws restricting the amount of steel a person can carry on their person should be revoked at once. A criminal is going to think twice about attacking an armed (and armoured) person.

Q.

What about the deficit? How do you plan to reduce it?

A.

That's simple. Reintroduce the ancient custom of going a viking. That way more money will go into our coffers, and we may actually get some of what we've spent on all those foreign nations back. In fact, if we send young members of our society off a viking each summer, we predict that there will be a decrease in crime--let them get it out of their system and serve their country, all at once.

Q.

All in all, you sound pretty bloodthirsty. What about your religeous beliefs? Will they conflict with our national values?

A.

We don't think they do. We are, after all, GODLY candidates.

Meeting before a large crowd of supporters, Pat Robinson, Christian Coalition President, denounced the efforts of Thor and Odin as being of the Devil and advised his followers to thwart them no matter what the cost.

"There is only one, God, and he is the Lord," Robertson admonished the crowd. "The efforts of these beings to try to take over our godly nation must be stopped." Robertson went on to say that the candidates were immoral and since they were not of God, they must be of the devil. Anyone claiming to be a god is either a demon or influenced by demons.

His speech was cut short, however, by a massive thunderstorm which dumped five inches of rain in five minutes. The speakers platform was struck repeatedly by lightning. There were no injuries.

When asked whether Thor and Odin wished to comment about the allegations, they replied "Oh, but we already did."

Campaign gains momentum

The city council of Lake Woebegone today threw its unanimous support behind Thor and Odin. "It's going back to our roots," one councilmember said, referring to most of the town's citizen's nordic heritage. "We finally have a way to express ourselves in this great melting pot," another added.

Critics issued a statement that they believed the town was bought off by the candidates. "We saw this otter skin laid out on the ground and covered with gold by them," stated a concerned citizen. "Where'd all the money go?" asked another.

The candidates had no comment.

In other news, one councilmember announced his retirement and that he would go back to his forge and found a home for orphan boys. Another was found murdered in his home, and a third, the chief suspect in the case, is missing tonight. Rumour has it that he was last seen heading toward a river.

And that's the news from Lake Woebegone, where the women are strong, the men are pretty, and the children all above average.

(apologies to garrison keiler)

Candidate leads team to victory

Thor lead his Viking football team, the Asgard Vangard, to victory against the Austin Ettins today when they literally carried the members of the other team accross their goal line. Onlookers were surprised at the display of brute strength required as each of the Ettins are half again as large as any of the Vangard.

Viking football is a sport with few rules. Players don protective clothing and then proceed to carry/drag/propel members of the opposite team across their goalline. Whichever team is left with players on the field is declared the winner.

At a victory celebration the candidate was accused of boisterous behaviour, caused, they claimed, by the immense amounts of alcohol he was consuming. "Yes, I was boisterous," said the candidate. "Yes, I drank," he continued. "But never have I been drunk." When tested, the candidates bloodstream was free of any alcohol content. Critics are demanding another test as they saw him chug a gallon of mead at the victory bash and that was the least of what he had during the course of the evening. When asked, the candidate only said "Perhaps it was an act of god."

Trophy Missing

The viking football trophy won by Thor's Asgard Vangard was stolen today. Police are baffled as to how it was taken from a solid crystal enclosure without breaking the crystal. The trophy is a gold necklace made of five pieces and was given by the candidate to Freya as a gift. The alarm system was not triggered in any fashion, nor were there any fingerprints left at the scene.

The owner of the Austin Ettins was questioned briefly by the authorities and then released. At present there are no suspects in this case.

Candidate performs on Letterman

Last night viewers of the David Letterman show were able to catch a rare glimpse of the reclusive Odin as his musical group, the 4 Troths, performed a few numbers from their soon to be released album, _Ragna_Rocks_. The one-eyed candidate plays the standup bass and sings backup vocals for the group. After the performance, Letterman had a few questions for him:

Letterman:

It's been said that you lost your eye in the search for knowledge. Would you care to elaborate?

Odin:

Well, a ways back, I was investigating ways of increasing intelligence through the use of herbal combinations. Better living through chemistry, as it were. I had, with the help of others, cooked up a veritable witch's brew. It splashed into my face, causing me to lose my eye.

Letterman:

I hear you are an animal lover....

Odin:

Why yes. I have four pets. Two ravens, and two wolves. But then again, it isn't unusual for pets to roam the whitehouse.

Letterman:

Is there anything to the rumors about a gig with President Clinton?

Odin:

We had asked him to play a charity event with us for the Asgard home for wayward girl's softball team, the Valkyries. So far, the whitehouse has not responded. It's not as if we are going to knock the sax off of him onstage. The election, however, is another subject.

Letterman:

Your candidacy seems to have taken the country by storm. From virtual obscurity to fame overnight. How did you do it?

Odin:

Planning. We've been planning this for a very long time. Planning is the key to our success. Of course, we are a bit older than the other candidates, and that helps immensely.

Letterman:

How do you hope to dispel the rumors of senility? You are, after all, the oldest candidate to run for office in our history.

Odin:

My statements in public speak for me. I certainly do not sound senile.

Letterman:

How do you do it?

Odin:

Apples, golden apples

Police are still baffled in the case of the missing Viking football trophy. An anonymous note was received at Asgard today from people claiming to be responsible for the crime. In it, it stated that the trophy would only be returned if Freya would consent to marry a yet unnamed groom. Women's groups have expressed their outrage at this blatant form of male chauvanism. No comment was made by Thor or Freya regarding the anonymous note.

A reward has been offered by Thor for any information leading to the recovery of the trophy.

Candidates' eligibility challenged

Lawyers for the Christian Coalition brought suit against Thor and Odin today, questioning their citizenship. "The two candidates have their residences on the other side of Bifrost bridge, and are clearly living in territory outside the boundaries of the United States of America," the suit read in part. Additionally, the suit asked that the candidates be forced to cease and desist any form of campaigning until such time as the suit be tried in court.

The suit was thrown out, however, when the two furnished documents showing them to have been property owning citizens of South Carolina since 1775. The documents, amounting to a half a ton of public records, were ruled to clearly show that they had residences in Walhalla.

Candidates Explain Absence

Speaking from the gates of Bifrost today, Thor and Odin reiterated their candidacy for the presidency of the United States of America. When asked why they had not been seen on the campaign trail, they reported that they were campaigning in the old, respectable front porch method.

The candidates reiterated their offer of a debate with President Clinton and the republican candidate, former senator Robert Dole. When asked if Ross Perot would be included in the debates, they replied, "Ross who?"

When pressed about their absence, Thor mentioned that he had been on an undercover mission recovering the missing trophy, as well as another, unspecified mission for the government. The trophy, he added, was back where it belonged.

When asked why they were putting in an appearance so late in the race, the candidates replied, rather cryptically, "What is time to god?"

Candidate discovered in Drag, Opponents claim

Helga Ettinsdotter, a spokesperson for the Clinton campaign, made an astonishing claim regarding Thor, who is also running for president. The spokesperson claims that the Clinton campaign has acquired photos of the candidate while he was dressed in drag, purportedly posing as a woman. According to annonymous sources connected with the Clinton administration, the candidate's absence from the campaign trail is directly related to his alleged cross dressing. Thor was unavailable for comment this evening.

Candidate Admits He Wore a Dress

Responding to allegations regarding crossdressing, Thor, Odin, and Freya met with reporters at the Bifrost Tollgate today in an emotionally charged press conference.

"Yes, I wore a dress, and I would do it again for a worthy cause," the candidate began, amidst cries of outrage. "I did so to save Freya from the indignity of being married to the thief who stole her necklace."

The candidate unfolded a tale of espionage and intrigue, the likes of which had not previously been seen in the post-cold war era. A daring plan was hatched to protect Freya in which Thor, risking the election, would pose as her in order to retrieve the necklace. At the appointed hour, Thor, dressed in a white gown and veil, was picked up by accomplices of the thief and driven to an undisclosed location. While there, he refused to go through with the ceremony unless he could wear the necklace for good luck. Upon receiving the necklace, the candidate made good his escape, despite the efforts of the thief and his accomplices. In doing so, the candidate suffered minor injuries.

"Please don't think any less of Thor, he wore a dress for me," a tearstricken Freya sobbed to the crowd, displaying the necklace for all to see. Analysts have yet to determine what effect the candidate's crossdressing will have upon the election.

The whereabouts of the thief and his accomplices are unknown this evening.

Bifrost-Gate Haunts Elephants and Donkeys

Politics may make strange bedfellows, but the election of 1996 has led to what might be the strangest marriage of politcal parties in the history of the United States. An anonymous tip has led to uncovering a plot that may overshadow Watergate and White-Watergate in the annals of politcal lore.

According to the tip, analysts from both the Republican and Democratic parties conspired to discredit Thor and Odin. "Their campaign threatened the established parties, " one Dole supporter claimed. "We had to do something. It was us or them, even if it meant working with Democrats." They arranged for members of the Austin Ettins to steal the necklace from Asgard, the palatial home of the candidates for an undisclosed sum. Knowing that Thor would go to any ends to protect Freya, they arranged for the unusual ransom note to be sent.

"He played right into our hands," a key aide for the Democratic camp claimed at a planning session. Members of the Republican national committee, armed with cameras, captured photographic proof. This proof was first leaked to the tabloid press, then was picked up by news services last week.

When questioned about the situation, Bob Dole and President Clinton defended the actions of their aides. "For the first time in decades, Republicans and Democrats have actually agreed on something," Mr. Dole was reported as saying. "I believe that this is the dawning of a new political era of cooperation," the president responded. Neither party wished to comment on rumors of a new party merging the Republicans and the Democrats.

A full investigation of Bifrost-gate is planned by the Justice department, with indictments coming as soon as next week.

Candidates amazed at results

In a staff conference from the Bifrost Tollbridge, the candidates announced that they were dismayed to find that they were not on the ballots in any of the fifty states. Citing a conspiracy linked to high level democrats and republicans, they vowed to run again, ensuring supporters that they would be on the ballot in the year 2000.

As a result, they are the first declared candidates for the elections four years from now.

The candidates expect to be able to build a grass roots campaign of voters disillusioned by current political choices. They are also embarking upon a massive campaign upon the internet to garner support for their party. They have announced a kick-off date of 22 November for their campaign.

In other news, the homes of President Clinton and former Senate Majority Leader Bob Dole were struck repeatedly by lightning. No lives were lost, and property damage was minimal. Due to freak storms, the damage was declared an act of God.

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