[2F01] Itchy and Scratchy Land
Itchy and Scratchy Land Written by John Swartzwelder
Directed by Wes Archer
===============================================================================
Production code: 2F01 Original airdate in N.A.: 2-Oct-94
Capsule revision E, 22-Feb-97
Title sequence
Blackboard :- I am not the reincarnation of Sammy Davis Jr.
I am not the reincarnation of Sam/ at cutoff.
Lisa's Solo:- None due to shortened intro.
Couch :- The family appear on the couch as though they were beamed
there a la Star Trek (original series).
Did you notice...
... the Penny Arcade charges 75 cents for all games?
Dave Hall:
... Itchy has a knife in Scratchy's eye in the I&S; title clip?
... Krusty calls Itchy a rat?
... the whole family says "D'oh!"?
... Marge and Lisa bring along slippers, but Homer and Bart don't?
... Homer passes Marge off as a child?
... Marge ties her red sweater around her waist?
... Maggie clenches her fists?
... they give Maggie a menu, too?
... the I&S; Land Child Care Center is wheelchair accessible?
... Marge's hair sags after she falls?
... Homer fixes his hair after he falls?
... the T.G.I. McScratchy waiter looks like the assassin from the
McBain clip in "Saturdays of Thunder"?
... Maggie is the only baby to have a pacifier?
... the I&S; robots only have three digits per paw?
... Bart has a Li'l Bastard(tm) Traveling Kit?
... Lisa disappears when Bart shot the stink bomb at Itchy?
... Marge gets a T-shirt for Maggie?
... the security officers kind of speak with German accents?
... neither Homer nor Marge take any family photos of their trip?
... Homer's hair strands stay cut?
... Lisa doesn't wear socks?
... the family aren't wearing seat belts during much of their trip?
Arthur Brandt:
... what happens in the Log Ride if the kids are a little taller?
(They get their eyes spiked out.)
Don Del Grande:
... in "Scratchtasia", Scratchy appears to be getting the better of
Itchy, at least at first?
... in the Amish flashback, Lisa has her eyes covered?
... in the Sandy Beach flashback, Marge wears a green swimsuit and
Lisa a red one (not their usual colors)?
Tony Hill:
... Scratchy increases in size with each repetition?
... Homer owns inline skates?
... Homer's horn sounds like that of a Cadillac? (cf. the Andy
Rooney piece about car horns on "60 Minutes" which immediately
preceded this episode)
... Roger Meyers cared about _almost_ all the peoples of the world?
Ricardo Lafaurie:
... Homer has tried to build a robot?
... Itchy feeds Scratchy chili in "Searing Gas Pain Land"?
... Cletus travels with his mother?
... Bart interrupts Homer's "action hero" line to say that this was
the best vacation ever?
... Lisa forgets her other shoe going to her room?
Voice credits
- Starring
- Dan Castellaneta (Krusty, Homer, Abe, waiter at TGI, Pin-Itchy-O's
maker, control room man 3, robot repairman, Hans Moleman)
- Julie Kavner (Marge)
- Nancy Cartwright (Bart)
- Yeardley Smith (Lisa)
- Hank Azaria (cartoon Scratchy, kid at fruit checkpoint, DJ 2, man
in suit justifying everything, waiter, man in Itchy costume, movie
narrator, control room man 1, security officer, John Frink, French
ticket booth man)
- Harry Shearer (DJ 1, DJ 3, John Travolta, adult Bort, band leader,
control room man 2, robot repairman, park announcer, Roger Meyers
Jr.)
- Also Starring
- Pamela Hayden (ball room woman, child Bort)
- Maggie Roswell (ticket booth woman, ball room woman, Bort's
mother, woman in gift shop)
Movie (and other) references
[a ton of them - ed]
+ "Last Action Hero"
- I&S; cartoon title
- Bart's dry, cool wit making him an action hero
+ Disneyland/Disney World
- "The happiest place on earth" slogan ripoff
- "Pleasure Island" name ripoff
- parade with cheerful "Electric Light Parade" ripoff music {jp}
- different "lands" with different themes {rl}
- banjo at start of Log Ride/"Pirates of the Caribbean"
- the castle behind the family as they are surrounded by robots
looks like the Sleeping Beauty Castle {rl}
- there is a Penny Arcade {rl}
- quite a few other theme park similarities
+ "Jaws" {ab}
- lighthouse in flashback very similar
+ "Witness"
- Homer putting ice creams on Amish people just like what happened
to Alex Godunov in the movie
+ National Lampoon's "Vacation" {je}
- obsession with having "best vacation ever"
- a trip was required to get there
"Married...With Children" {ab}
- traffic jam scene similar to labor day show from a while back
+ "Stuckey's" southeast US restaurant chain {mkn}
- "Flickey's" name similarity
+ Stephen King's short story "Mrs. Todd's Shortcut"
- Homer's shortcut and comment: "Let us never speak of it again"
+ Four corners landmark
- meeting point of Utah, New Mexico, Arizona, Colorado (see comments
section)
+ "Jurassic Park" movie
- logo on side of helicopter
- flying into park on helicopter
- Frink talking about chaos theory just like Jeff Goldblum in movie
+ "Tavern on the Green" restaurant {ddg}
- "Tavern on the Scream"
+ Rocky and Bullwinkle episode {jcp}
- robots look like Metal Munching Moonmice
- Homer to Lisa: "Who are you, the narrator?"
+ Pink Floyd's "The Wall" {rj}
- marching axes very similar to marching hammers
+ "Deliverance"
- log ride beginning: scenery, banjo playing
+ "Saturday Night Fever" {ab}
- dance floor in disco very similar to that in movie
- John Travolta behind bar, dressed the same
+ the Ku Klux Klan
- I&S;'s fried Ku Klux Klam
+ "T. G. I. Friday's" {ddg}
- "T. G. I. McScratchy's Goodtime Foodrinkery"
+ Walt Disney
- Roger Meyers Sr.'s antisemitism
+ Disney's "Fantasia"
- the little axe trying to catch up with the others, cf. the
mushrooms in the "Nutcracker Suite" segment {rl}
- "Scratchtasia" ripoff
+ Disney's "Pinnochio"
- "Pin-Itchy-o" ripoff
- "Parent's Island" pun on "Pleasure Island" {rl}
"Battlestar Galactica" {ab}
- sub-levels in the control center where Homer and Bart are taken
resemble where prisoners were kept in the movie/show
+ Michael Crichton's "Westworld"
- theme park in which robots go berserk
- "Sensors make it impossible for robots to harm humans" {ddg}
John Jay Smith's video for Michael Jackson's "Beat It" {ab}
- I&S; robots march just like gang members in the video
"Night of the Living Dead"
- robots attack rather like the zombies
+ Hitchcock's "The Birds"
- sanctuary shot, complete with phone booth camera angle
"Gremlins" {ab}
- bright lights to destroy bad creatures
+ Euro Disney
- Euro Itchy and Scratchy Land
Previous episode references
- [7G12] Krusty's gambling addiction {mk}
- [7F09] Marge doesn't like cartoon violence
- [8F04] Homer saves the day by accident {av}
- [8F21] Bart (to Lisa): "If you don't watch the violence, you'll never
get desensitized to it!". Evidently Lisa has been desensitized. {av}
- [9F03] "Steamboat Itchy" is referred to {mk}
- [9F06] Homer (at least plans to) wear Speedos {rl}
- [9F16] Homer taking his underwear off through his pants just like Abe
{av}
- [1F06] "Deliverance" is referenced
- [1F15] "Hey Moe" yokel appears
- [1F19] a "Li'l Bastard" item is shown
- [1F19] "Westworld" is referenced
- [1F22] "Witness" is referenced
Freeze frame fun
- Stuff on the car after the shortcut: {ddg}
- wagon wheel in place of tire
- "Homecoming" banner
- "U.S. Army" missile
- international-style school traffic sign
- kids' hair all messed up
- Maggie's bow points wrong way
- Rides not operating today: {dh}
- Head Basher
- Blood Bath
- Mangler
- Nurse's Station
- Some rides/places at I&S; Land: {dh}
- Tavern on the Scream - Entrance has large Itchy trying to chop
people with large meat cleaver
- Child Care Center - Sign has Itchy holding a large safety pin over
a baby Scratchy
- Log Ride
- Parents' Island
- Itchy's 70's Disco (est. 1980)
- T.G.I. McScratchy's Goodtime Foodrinkery
- Laramie Cigarettes Presents Itchy's Mine Field
- The Roger Meyers Story
- I&S; Land map: {dh}
- Torture Land - Itchy has Scratchy tied up in an iron maiden and is
closing the lid
- Explosion Land - Itchy is blowing up Scratchy [note eyeballs - ed]
- Searing Gas Pain Land - Itchy is force-feeding Scratchy red hot
chili
- Unnecessary Surgery Land - Itchy is taking stuff out of Scratchy's
chest
- Things Homer throws at the I&S; robots: {dh}
- wallet
- two handfuls of change
- banana
- underwear
- camera
- Euro Itchy and Scratchy Land: {rl}
- Stationnement Itchy
- Stationnement Scratchy
Animation, continuity, and other goofs
The kitchen table is missing. {dh}
There's too much light in bedroom when Lisa turns on the lamp. {dh}
Homer says "Today's modern cars..." His has an 8-track player. {th}
Homer stops the car at the middle lane of the checkpoint, yet one scene
shows the car to one side of the road. {dh}
The telephone pole vanishes from in front of burning car. {dh}
In the log ride, Bart's right foot appears to be "cut" by the saw, and
Marge's right leg passes right through it...but that's assuming it's a
real saw. {ddg}
If Marge and Lisa dove to their left to avoid it, how did they land to
(their) right side of the waterfall along with Homer and Bart while the
log landed in the water? {ddg}
One of the Scratchy robots doesn't have his tongue dangling out of his
mouth in one scene. {dh}
If this was I&S; land's "Grand Opening," then why does the '70s Disco say
"Established 1980"? {ert}
The family's cameras vanish after being used. {dh}
Roger Meyers Jr. has blue hair; in other episodes (for example, 9F16),
isn't it black? {ddg}
The animation is off - Lisa's hair looks much stubbier than usual in
some scenes, and when Marge is telling Bart and Lisa about the bird
sanctuary, it looks as if Bart and Lisa both have a jawbreaker (British
call it "gobstopper") in each cheek. {ddg}
Reviews
Bailey Irwin: This makes my Top 5 worst list of all time, easily. The
racing form in the 1st 60 seconds of the show was the only thing
that made me laugh out loud. After that, it was nothing but about
10 jillion stupid "Jurassic Park" jokes. Killer robots? Puh-LEEZE.
Scott Oak: I thought the beginning was good, but those silly robots
kinda killed it for me.
Rod Arz: I liked it a lot. Agreed that the robots were a bit on the
lame side, but not as bad as the James Wood sub plot in Homer and
Apu. We still haven't seen Mr. Burns yet! I wanna see him soon.
Shawn Metcalf: The first episode this season that I found myself
laughing out loud at. A marked improvement.
J. D. Baldwin: Well, that *was* more like it. Now, what was that I was
just saying about the long dry spell just prior to "Flaming Moe's"?
Matt Snyder: That show just didn't cut it. The best episodes are plot
driven, this was just one long excuse to make fun of Jurassic Park.
I thought it was a big wasted opportunity.
Aaron Varhola: If this is any indication of how the sixth season will
be, we're in for a treat. After a dragging first act, the second
and third acts were some of the best OFF I've seen; vicious shots at
Disney, meta-humor about cartoon violence, and Bart as his
mischievous self. [...] A-.
Brian Fox: Not one of the best, not one of the worst either though...
Philip Hebbes: The show was great, I was laughing through the whole
show.
John J. Wood: Finally...a *real* Simpsons episode [...]. The plot tied
together well, and plenty of choice gags. I watched this twice last
night, and the second time was even funnier -- kudos on the
blackboard and couch scenes, too. Grade: A.
Carl Mueller: I'd have to say this WAS a pretty mediocre episode, but
compared to what has been shown so far this season, it was a marked
improvement. Mainly it was the Disney jokes that got me, the last
10 minutes (w/ the Robots and stuff) seemed to drag quite a bit. C-
M. Coale: Was it just me or did "Itchy and Scratchy Land" overstep the
bounds of parody and become what it was mocking? The violence, IMO,
was quite extreme and came very very close to crossing "the line" or
possibly overstepped it? It got to the point when it just stopped
being funny.
Don Del Grande: A-minus - the only things that stood in the way of this
episode getting a maximum rating were (a) the animation was weak at
times, and (b) the ending was much too abrupt; it was as if there
was 20 minutes of material written for a 21-minute show and they
just tacked on something at the end.
Joel Recht: I thought the Disney barbs were great (recall the "Evil
Gene" from The boy who knew to much.), the fantasia and Pinnochio
spoofs were top notch. I loved the detention center when Bart got
arrested. I give it an A.
Benjamin Dreyfus: One of the best episodes ever. This episode contained
all of the positive, but none of the negative aspects that were
characteristic of 5th-season. [...] In pure absurd-humor power, the
Bort scene was second only to the rake scene. This also proved that
OFF could still be funny outside of Springfield. Grade: A.
Matthew Kurth: This episode was a vast improvement over most of Season
Five. The "Jurassic Park" refs were well done, although the
revelation that flashes disabled the berserk robots was poorly done
with no atmosphere. And finally - a decent ending! 8/10
Tony Hill: A very funny episode, IMHO. The takeoffs on amusement parks
were grandly amusing. Once again we see OFF poking fun at Disney.
It's no pleasant commentary on our society that a funland called
"the violentest place on earth" is conceivable. I give it an A.
Yours Truly: Excellent episode. I'm in awe of the "Fantasia" parody...
Elfman's music was spot on. Loved the Disney and Jurassic park
jokes, the writing was fast and furious, the violence was so
prevalent but so blindly accepted that it was hilarious. Grade: A.
Comments and other observations
Sammy Davis Jr. on blackboard
Tony Hill writes, "Sammy Davis Jr. (1926-1990) was a multi-talented
singer, dancer, and actor. He was previously referred to, along
with his first autobiography, `Yes I Can' in `Like Father, Like
Clown.' If Bart is in fact the reincarnation of Davis, it is a
question who one of them was from 1980-84 when Bart was born to 1990
when Sammy died. I met Sammy on an elevator in 1979 and later saw
him in his last outdoor concert."
Couch gag reference?
Tony Hill opines, "The couch gag was IMHO a reference to `Bewitched.'
An interesting parallel to `The Simpsons': `Bewitched' was one of
ABC's first hits, just as OFF was one of Fox's first hits. (AB had
existed for about 10 years when `Bewitched' premiered. ABC did not
have the #1 show in TV until 1970 with `Marcus Welby MD.')"
The four-corners landmark
This is a real landmark in the US. J. D. Baldwin writes, "UT, NM, AZ,
CO meet at a point which happens to be in the NW corner of a Navajo
reservation. The *only* two reasons anyone would ever be driving by
this `landmark' are:
a) Going from Flagstaff, AZ to Durango, CO anyway; or
b) Want to see Four Corners.
. . . and if b), you'd better *really* want to see it!
It is, in fact, just a slightly raised platform/plaque of about the
size depicted, with the state names and seals in each quadrant.
There is nothing else of significance nearby. (There are a lot of
shacks from which the locals sell trinkets during the day.) A
geographer friend of mine tells me that the center of the monument
is accurate to within around 1/2"."
Preachers on AM radio
Don Del Grande says, "When searching for a `local' radio station, Homer
turns the AM radio dial all the way to the right, where most low-
power stations are located. (The lower the frequency (and closer to
the left side of the dial), the farther an AM station will carry at
night, so larger `regional' stations are put on the left side of the
dial and smaller `local' stations are on the right.)"
Aaron Varhola writes, "The religious radio references are dead-on.
While driving from Pittsburgh to Florida, you can't help but catch
these shows; they are most prevalent in North and Central Florida.
And they sound exactly like on OFF."
Different clothes
Aaron Varhola lists the clothes worn by everyone:
- Homer: green sweater, white shirt, brown shorts, black and white
shoes
- Marge: Marge: red sweater, pink blouse, jeans, white shoes
- Bart: same orange t-shirt and blue shorts and shoes, but with a
blue jacket
- Lisa: pink sweatshirt, jeans, and pink shoes (not open shoes
though, probably sneakers)
- Maggie: same blue baggie
Quotes and Scene Summary
[Syndication cuts are marked in curly braces "{}" and are courtesy of
Frederic Briere and Ricardo Lafaurie.]
Bart and Lisa watch an Itchy and Scratchy episode, "The Last Traction
Hero". Scratchy works out with a large dumbbell; after three overhead
lifts, his entire upper body becomes huge and muscular. He flexes a
bit, proud, then walk over to Itchy menacingly. Upon seeing him flex
his biceps and chest, Itchy thinks for a moment, then smiles and pulls
out a pink balloon and a pin. He bursts the balloon, then pokes
Scratchy in the chest, hoping for the same result, but all that happens
is that a drop of blood leaks out. Scratchy laughs evilly, but Itchy
pokes many holes in his upper torso in rapid succession. This, too,
seems to have no effect, and Scratchy laughs again, but as the blood
leaks out from all the pinpricks, Scratchy feels weak and sits down on a
bench to rest. Itchy brandishes a chainsaw and slices off the cat's
bicep and chest muscles.
Bart and Lisa, as usual, laugh. Itchy stops and turns to the camera.
Itchy: Thanks, kids. Now we'd like to speak to you seriously for a
moment.
Scratchy: Yup. This week is the grand opening of "Itchy and Scratchy
Land" -- the violentest place on earth[tm].
Itchy: And to celebrate, for this week only, we're cutting ticket
prices in half. [pulls out scissors]
[Scratchy pulls out a card saying "ticket prices"]
[Itchy stabs the scissors through Scratchy's brain]
Scratchy: Yow! [pulls out scissors and brain together]
[stars drooling moronically]
[camera pulls out to show Krusty standing next to a TV which
he turns off]
Krusty: Kids, you heard the cartoon rat. If you haven't already run
to your parents begging to go, do it now. You won't be
missing anything funny: I'll just be sitting here reading this
grownup's newspaper. ["Racing Form"] [laughs] Go now!
-- Those krazy klown endorsements, "Itchy and Scratchy Land"
Bart and Lisa scream briefly then run off. Homer sits on the couch
reading the Bible as the children run in.
Lisa: Dad, remember how you said going to Itchy and Scratchy Land
would be too damned expensive?
Homer: Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. Look at
this bible I just got -- fifteen bucks! And talk about a
preachy book...everybody's a sinner! [points to a verse]
Except for this guy.
Bart: But now Itchy and Scratchy Land is cutting ticket prices in
half! Can we go, Dad? Can we, can we, can we? Take it,
Lis.
Lisa: Can we?
Homer: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Ask your mother.
Bart+Lisa: Yay! [run off]
-- Homer's new religious bent, "Itchy and Scratchy Land"
Bart and Lisa run into the kitchen.
Bart: Mom, guess what?
Lisa: We're going to Itchy and Scratchy Land!
Marge: No. I've already planned our vacation. We're going to the
Highway Nine Bird Sanctuary. I understand they've installed a
new birdfeeder this year.
[Bart and Lisa look aghast]
Marge: It's shaped like a diner. And it's on this really tall pole.
[Bart and Lisa look aghast]
-- How to bring your children down hard, "Itchy and Scratchy Land"
That night as Homer and Marge sleep, Lisa pulls Bart into their room in
a wagon.
[Lisa enters the parents' bedroom with Bart in tow]
Lisa: Mom, Dad! Bart's dead!
[Homer and Marge wake up, gasp]
Bart: [coming alive] That's right: dead serious about going to Itchy and
Scratchy Land.
[Homer and Marge groan]
-- How to give your parents a heart attack, "Itchy and Scratchy Land"
Lisa pleads their case, pulling out a pamphlet about the park.
Lisa: You know, Itchy and Scratchy Land isn't for kids. They have a
place called "Parents' Island".
[Homer and Marge look interested]
Yeah! Dancing, bowling, fashionable shops, over one hundred bars
and saloons, _and_ a world-class chemical dependency center.
Homer: [looks at pamphlet] [gasps] TV Town! Hammock Land!
Marge: Hmm, Recipe-Related Bumper Cars.
-- Something for everyone, it seems, "Itchy and Scratchy Land"
Bart and Lisa gasp, look at one another, then cheer and jump on the bed,
sure they've won their parents over.
Marge: Now wait a minute, I'm not sure about this. Every time we've
ever gone on vacation I end up being horribly embarrassed. We
end up in a big fight and we come home more miserable than when
we left. You have to promise me that this isn't going to happen
this time.
Homer: Embarrassed? What are you talking about?
Marge: Well, there was our trip to the Amish country...
Homer: Oh, yeah...
[flashback to Homer sticking ice cream cones on a man's head]
Homer: Heh heh heh, hey look, Marge! They're still not fighting back.
[shoves another ice cream cone on man's cheek]
Hee hee! I can be a jerk and no one can stop me! [laughs]
[a mule kicks him hard]
Marge: Even worse was our trip to Sandy Beach...
[flashback to people in ocean being frightened off by a shark
fin]
Homer: [coming out of the water wearing a mask and a strap-on fin]
[laughs] Suckers.
Bart: [swimming up beside Homer, also with mask and fin] [laughs]
Homer: Aah! Sharkboy! [runs off in a panic]
-- The dreaded Homo Sharkus, "Itchy and Scratchy Land"
Marge: This year I want us to do things together as a family, and get a
lot of good exercise outdoors so we'll have a lot of wonderful
memories of our vacation.
Bart: Don't worry Mom, we'll make you proud of us.
[Homer packs a suitcase and lists off the items]
Homer: Lobster hat, Fishnet Speedo Junior[tm], wheelie shoes, "Invisible
Dog" leash...[laughs] Well, I'm packed.
-- Packed for embarrassment, certainly, "Itchy and Scratchy Land"
The car is packed with everyone inside, and Marge gives last-minute
instructions to Grampa about how to care for the pets.
Marge: And remember, every morning give one bowl of Kibble to Santa's
Little Helper. Do you want me to write any of this down?
Abe: No! I ain't senile, dad blast it.
Marge: OK, bye bye.
Homer: Bye!
Bart: Bye!
Lisa: Bye Grampa!
[Homer drives off]
Grampa: Wait a minute! What was that last thing you said? "Grampa's
Little Helper"...what's that? [meekly to animals] Which one of
you is the mailman?
[animals roll their eyes slowly towards one another]
-- Not senile, just a little weird, "Itchy and Scratchy Land"
In the car...
Homer: OK, let's make a pact. This is going to be the best vacation
ever, or we'll all agree to disband and join other families.
Everyone: Agreed.
-- The motion is passed, "Itchy and Scratchy Land"
Homer drives past a sign with an arrow that reads, "To some other
state".
Homer: Ah, the Interstate. Fasten your seat belts, kids: we're on
our way to Itchy and Scratchy Land!
[pulls up to highway...which is gridlocked]
Everyone: D'oh!
Homer: Don't worry, I've got an ace up my sleeve.
[honks horn]
-- Homer, wearing a t-shirt, "Itchy and Scratchy Land"
Bart and Lisa look bored on the trip, {but suddenly they stare with
disbelief out the window. They pass a sign saying "Next Flickey's: 680
miles". The children continue to stare as they pass signs for 416
miles, 277 miles, and 42 miles. "Dad, can we stop at Flickey's?" asks
Bart hopefully as they get close. "No," says Homer crossly, driving
right past the restaurant. The next sign says "Next Flickey's: 25000
miles."}
{They drive up to a fruit and vegetable checkpoint.}
Homer: {Oh my God...what'll I do, what'll I do?}
Marge: {What's the matter with you, Homer? We don't have any fruits or
vegetables in the car.}
Homer: {[winces] The whole trunk's full of 'em, Marge!
[Homer holds a pamphlet: "Smuggled vegetables: the road to E-Z
success"]}
Kid: {[approaching car] Got any fruits or vegetables?
[Homer panics, floors it, smashes wooden barrier]
[fruits and vegetables spill from the trunk in a trail]
Hey...Mr. Wembley, it happened again!}
-- The road to E-Z imprisonment, "Itchy and Scratchy Land"
Homer reaches for the radio.
Homer: And now to absorb some local color through the magic of AM radio.
DJ 1: -- book of Revelations tells us to watch for the seven signs of
evil --
DJ 2: -- sign of evil number four --
DJ 3: -- inuing our "Sign of Evil" countdown. Here's Vanessa Williams
--
-- That's what she gets for posing in Penthouse, "Itchy and Scratchy
Land"
The family makes a stop at the legendary "Five Corners" where five
different states touch. Each family member stands in a different state
with everyone holding hands. "Aw, haven't we stood in five different
states long enough?" whines Lisa. "No," answers Homer curtly.
As night falls, Marge and Homer both yawn.
Marge: We better find a motel and stop for the night.
Homer: [slurred] We don't need to do that, Marge. I'm not tired, I'm
not tired at all.
[car skids on road, crashes into pole, bursts into flame]
[the family watches through the window of a motel room]
Bart: Whew! Glad that wasn't us.
-- "Itchy and Scratchy Land"
The next day on the road, Homer tries to navigate.
Homer: [looking at map] North...south...aw, nuts to this! I'm going to
take a shortcut.
Marge: Homer, no, you're going to get lost.
Homer: Trust me, Marge. With today's modern cars, you _can't_ get lost,
what with all the silicon chips and such.
-- A typical Homer non sequitur, "Itchy and Scratchy Land"
Homer turns off the highway onto a dirt road. In the next shot, the car
is missing its roof and has a wooden cart wheel in place of one of its
tires. A US Army missile and school crossing sign decorate its front
while a homecoming banner drags behind it. But they _have_ arrived at
Itchy and Scratchy Land, as Homer promised. A chicken flies out of
Marge's hair as Homer says, "All right, we're here. Now let us never
speak of the shortcut again."
The family walk away from their car and Homer asks everyone to remember
that they're in the Itchy lot. The camera pulls back to show a huge
number of cars in the same lot, then pans to show another packed lot
called the Scratchy lot.
The family takes a helicopter to the island.
Pilot: We're now approaching our final destination, Itchy and Scratchy
Land: the amusement park of the future where nothing can possi-
blye go wrong.
[everyone looks worried]
Er, possi_bly_ go wrong. Heh, that's the first thing that's ever
gone wrong.
-- Second, actually, the first being that nothing could go wrong, "Itchy
and Scratchy Land"
The helicopter flies into the mouth of a giant stone Scratchy hewn from
the very living rock.
[End of Act One. Time: 7:03]
The entrance to the park is a bustle of activity. Above the "Itchy &
Scratchy Land Grand Opening" sign, a giant Itchy repeatedly pounds a
giant Scratchy's head with a bat, while the latter pounds the former in
turn with a mallet. The ticket booths are large bombs with lit wicks.
At the booth the Simpsons are in front of, a sign announces the rides
not working today: the Head Basher, the Blood Bath, the Mangler, and the
Nurse's Station. Homer steps up to the booth.
Homer: One adult and four children.
Woman: Would you like to buy some Itchy and Scratchy Money?
Homer: What's that?
Woman: Well it's money that's made just for the park. It works just
like regular money, but it's, er..."fun".
Bart: Do it, Dad.
Homer: Well, OK, if it's fun...let's see, uh...I'll take $1100 worth.
[he walks in, sees all the signs: "No I&S; Money", "We Don't Take
Itchy and Scratchy Money", etc.]
Aw!
-- So much for fun, "Itchy and Scratchy Land"
One "ride" is the "Tavern on the Scream", the door to which is guarded
by a giant Itchy in a chef's uniform who chops in front of the entrance
with a meat cleaver repeatedly. The family runs inside, Homer just
missing getting chopped.
Bart: Oh wow, cool!
Lisa: Aw, cool! That is neato.
Marge: Such a violent motif.
Bart: Yeah, but it's just pretend violence, which is _actually_
beneficial for children. [kicks Lisa]
Lisa: Ow! [punches Bart]
Bart: Ow!
Marge: Hmm...
Guard: [laughs] There's no need to murmur, ma'am. Here at Itchy and
Scratchy Land we're just as concerned about violence as you are.
That's why we're always careful to show the consequences of
deadly mayhem so that we may educate as well as horrify.
Marge: _When_ do you show the consequences? On TV that mouse pulled out
that cat's lungs and played them like a bagpipe, but in the next
scene the cat was breathing comfortably.
Guard: Just like in real life.
[pause]
[pointing] Hey, look over there!
[family does so, he takes off quickly]
-- A Hutz-esque argument, "Itchy and Scratchy Land"
The next scene shows Bart opening a menu shaped like a bomb.
Bart: [to waiter] I'll have a Brain Burger with extra pus, please.
Marge: Bart!
Homer: Eyeball stew.
Marge: Homer! We just got here and already I'm mortified beyond belief
by your embarrassing behavior.
Bart: I was just ordering a cheeseburger, Mom. They have violent
names for everything here.
Marge: Oh, I see. All right, hmm...I'll have the Baby Guts.
Waiter: Lady, you disgust me. Ew.
Lisa: [embarrassed] Mom, that's veal.
Marge: Oh...
-- Mmm...extra pus, "Itchy and Scratchy Land"
Marge drops Maggie off at the child care center and asks the woman
working there, "Are you sure she'll have fun here?" The woman assures
her that babies love the ball room. She puts Maggie in a room full of
plastic balls, and Maggie sinks down through them -- as have many other
babies.
"Torture Land"..."Explosion Land"..."Searing Gas Pain Land"...
"Unnecessary Surgery Land"...hmm...
-- Marge reads the park map, "Itchy and Scratchy Land"
Homer exclaims, "Oh, look! It's the 12:00 noon robot parade. Hurry up
or we'll have to wait for the 12:05 parade." Bombs and sticks of
dynamite with legs march along to an up-beat version of the Itchy and
Scratchy theme music. A Scratchy robot wields an axe; an Itchy robot
runs a chainsaw. Bart and Lisa smile as they watch.
An Itchy and Scratchy robot pair walk next to each other and hit each
other with mallets; blood even flies from their heads. Another pair
shoot each other repeatedly with short bursts from a machine gun. The
people watching the parade getting splattered by blood don't seem to
mind -- rather, they seem to be enjoying it. "Wow," gasps Bart, "this
is so much like my dreams, it's scary." A steamroller driven by a man
in an Itchy costume rolls by, a flattened Scratchy rolling around and
around on its roller, followed by some marching axes.
Lisa: Aw, look at that cute little baby ax.
[baby ax runs to catch up with bigger axes]
Marge: It's cute, but I'm sure it's very sharp and probably dirty.
Guard: [walks up] [laughs] Dirty, mabye -- dangerous, hardly. These are
the latest state-of-the-art animatronic robots. They have
sensors that ensure they only attack each other, never the
guests. [laughs]
[Itchy robot's point of view shows it identifying "Scratchy" and
"Kill", then "humans" and "Do not hurt"]
[robot turns, takes the top of its head off and bows]
Marge: See all that stuff in there, Homer? That's why your robot never
worked.
-- What without all those silicon chips and such, "Itchy and Scratchy
Land"
After the parade, the family enter the "Log Ride" which appears to have
a steep, tall mountain as part of it. They are seated in a log-shaped
boat and metal handrails are locked in front of them as the ride begins.
"This is just what I hoping for -- spending the day together as a family
--" Marge begins, but just then the log drops suddenly down a steep
slope and everyone screams. The log goes through a series of crossbows
and cannons which fire and just miss them, stopping suddenly inches shy
of long metal spikes placed strategically at eye-level. But the horror
doesn't have time to sink in as the boat falls down another steep slope
straight towards a buzzsaw. The boat is sliced in half (the family
managing barely to avoid the same fate), and its members are dumped
unceremoniously on a mat next to the river. Bart and Lisa cheer
happily.
Marge: You know, part of spending time together as a family is spending
time apart as individuals.
Homer: Parents' Island?
Marge: Y'uh huh. I'm sure we'll appreciate each other all the more when
we meet up at dinner. Are you kids going to be all right?
[looks around] Kids?
[Bart and Lisa start the ride over again, grinning]
-- The end of the Log Ride, "Itchy and Scratchy Land"
So Marge and Homer walk to Parents' Island. They see "Itchy's 70s Disco
(Est. 1980)" and walk inside and are amazed at the lighted squares on
the floor and the disco-style Itchy and Scratchy theme song playing.
Homer: It _is_ the seventies! Right down to the smallest detail.
Marge: Hey...the bartender even looks like John Travolta.
Bartender: Yeah..."looks like".
-- At Itchy's 70s Disco, "Itchy and Scratchy Land"
Bart and Lisa have found the gift shop.
Bart: Look at all this great stuff, Lis!
[finds vanity license plate rack]
Cool...personalized plates! "Barclay"..."Barry"..."Bert"...
"Bort"? Aw, come on. "Bort"?
Child: Mommy, mommy! Buy me a license plate.
Mother: No. Come along, Bort.
Man: Are you talking to me?
Mother: No, my son is also named Bort.
-- At the gift shop, "Itchy and Scratchy Land"
Lisa stands in front of a display of stuffed animals.
Lisa: Who are all these characters?
Bart: Well, you're probably too young to remember the short-lived "Itchy
& Scratchy and Friends Hour". They had to come up with some
friends. There's Disgruntled Goat, Uncle Ant, Ku Klux Klam...
Lisa: Oh yeah, heh. They weren't very funny.
Bart: I dunno...Disgruntled Goat had his moments.
-- Nightmare cartoons of the mid-eighties, "Itchy and Scratchy Land"
A man in an Itchy costume walks up capers in front of the children.
Bart steps on his toe hard. Something cracks and the man groans, his
still-smiling costume belying his pain.
Meanwhile, at T. G. I. McScratchy's Goodtime Foodrinkery, Homer and
Marge have donned party hats and are dancing to music played by a live
band.
Bandleader: Welcome to T. G. I. McScratchy's where it's constantly New
Year's Eve. Here we go again! Three, two, one!
Everyone: Happy new year!
["Auld Lang Syne" starts up]
[a waiter walks up with champagne glasses]
Marge: It must be wonderful to ring in the new year over and over
and over.
Waiter: Please, kill me.
-- At least he hasn't been hiccupping for 45 years, "Itchy and Scratchy
Land"
{At Itchy's Mine Field (presented by Laramie Cigarettes) Bart and Lisa
run through a barren field and purposely step on mines, which explode
and toss the children into the air. They exit, laughing, as a man in a
Scratchy costume waves at them. As an afterthought, Bart runs back and
kicks the man in the shin, and he yells.}
Maggie manages to claw her way to the surface of the sea of balls, as do
the other babies. "The babies look unhappy," observes one of the women
running the place, but the other woman tells her simply to add more
balls, which she does.
Bart and Lisa watch "The Roger Meyers Story" in a stand-up movie
theater.
Roger Meyers senior, the gentle genius behind Itchy and Scratchy, loved
and cared about almost all the peoples of the world. And he, in turn,
was beloved by the world, except in 1938 when he was criticized for his
controversial cartoon, "Nazi Supermen Are Our Superiors".
-- The narrator tells "The Roger Meyers Story", "Itchy and Scratchy
Land"
"Among his proudest achievements was the full-length musical
`Scratchtasia'," continues the narrator. A clip shows Scratchy dressed
in a red robe wearing a blue hat with white stars trying to escape being
chopped by Itchy with an ax. Scratchy manages to wrest the ax from the
mouse's grasp, then, glaring threateningly, he chases the mouse through
a door. In silhouette we see Scratchy chop the hapless Itchy into
pieces. Relieved, he walks back into the room, but the individual
pieces of Itchy each turn into a miniature ax-wielding Itchy. The
troupe threaten Scratchy again, but he chops them all up and pounds them
into a red pulp. Exhausted, he pulls up a stool, sits down, and
breathes deeply. The fumes from the Itchy pulp enter his body and turn
into microscopic Itchys that hack away at his insides. Scratchy grows
old quickly, his skin wrinkling and turning grey, then crumbling from
his body.
Outside, at another robot parade, a yokel drawls, "Hey Moe, I'm gonna
get me a picture of this crazy critter." The flash from his camera
makes a Scratchy robot spark. The ubiquitous guard walks up, laughs
nervously, and says, "Uh, no flash photography, please." The sick robot
walks disjointedly away.
Bart and Lisa continue to watch "The Roger Meyers Story".
Narrator: Roger Meyers' next full-length feature was the wildly
successful "Pin-Itchy-o".
Scratchy: [Italian accent] Now you be good Pin-Itchy-o, and don't you
lie.
Itchy: I promise I will never hurt you.
[his nose grows suddenly, spearing Scratchy's eyeball]
Scratchy: Ouch!
Lisa: I wonder if this kind of violence really _does_ desensitize
us?
[berserk Scratchy robot crashes through screen. Its head
pops off and blood spurts]
Bart: Want to get a Sno Cone[tm]?
Lisa: OK.
-- Lisa's question, suddenly rhetorical, "Itchy and Scratchy Land"
The children exit the theater. Bart's eye is captured by a man in an
Itchy costume waving to children.
Bart: So, Mr. Itchy, you think you're God's gift to women, do you?
Lisa: Don't do it, Bart.
[Bart pulls a stink bomb from his "Li'l Bastard Traveling Kit"
and slingshots it straight into Itchy's mouth]
Itchy: [choking] I just wanted to entertain!
Bart: [laughs] Can you believe I keep getting away with this...officer?
[a uniformed man puts a hand on his shoulder]
-- They'll be asking _you_ the questions soon, "Itchy and Scratchy Land"
Two officers take him down to level B4 on an elevator, then drive him
down a tunnel on an electric cart. They drive past a control room
filled with men in white coats in front of monitors.
Man 1: Mop and bucket man to the exit of the "Nauseator".
Man 2: We got another jumper on the roof of T. G. I. McScratchy's.
Man 3: We need more "Bort" license plates in the gift shop. I repeat,
we are sold out of "Bort" license plates.
-- Inside the control room, "Itchy and Scratchy Land"
They also drive past the robot repair room. A man removes the metal
plate from the face of a Scratchy robot; a whirring noise is heard. The
man comments, "I really wish they wouldn't scream."
Bart is taken to the detention area and thrown in a cell. Homer is in
the same cell sitting on a bench.
Bart: Dad?
Homer: Aw, I kicked one of those stupid Itchy characters in the
butt.
Bart: Yeah. There's just no way to resist it, is there.
[inside a gift shop]
Marge: I want all five t-shirts to say "Best Vacation Ever".
Announcer: Attention, Marge Simpson: your son has been arrested.
Woman: I'd be terrible embarrassed if _I_ were that boy's mother.
Marge: [groans]
Announcer: Attention, Marge Simpson: we've also arrested your older,
balder, fatter son.
Marge: Mmm...
-- Son, husband, what's the difference?, "Itchy and Scratchy Land"
Marge is led to the cell where Homer and Bart are being detained.
Marge: Oh, I'm so embarrassed I wish there was a hole I could just
crawl into and die.
Officer: OK, throw her in the hole.
Marge: Oh, please: it was just a figure of speech!
-- Marge in Homer and Bart's detention cell, "Itchy and Scratchy Land"
Dr. John Frink arrives in the robot repair room on a cart and speaks
passionately to some of the repairmen.
Frink: You've got to listen to me. Elementary chaos theory tells us
that all robots will eventually turn against their masters
and run amok in an orgy of blood and kicking and the biting
with the metal teeth and the hurting and shoving.
Repairman: How much time do we have, professor?
Frink: [checks clipboard] Well, according to my calculations, the
robots won't go berserk for at least 24 hours.
[Scratchy robot grabs men by the throat]
[Itchy robot goes after another man]
Oh, I forgot to, er, carry the one.
-- A small miscalculation, "Itchy and Scratchy Land"
Marge manages to get her husband and son released. They walk out.
Marge: I have nothing to say to you.
Homer: But Marge, I was a political prisoner!
Marge: How were you a political prisoner?
Homer: I kicked a giant mouse in the butt! Do I have to draw you a
diagram?
-- Homer, master flowcharter, "Itchy and Scratchy Land"
Suddenly, the power goes off all over the park. "Oh, for gosh sakes,
what now?" grumbles Marge. A group of robots walk out, look over at the
family, then raise their weapons menacingly and walk inexorably towards
them. Through the eyes of an Itchy robot, we see it identify Homer as
Scratchy with the message "Kill". "Hey look, this one's coming on to
me. Yoo hoo! Mr. Robot!" Homer calls flirtatiously.
[End of Act Two. Time: 17:41]
The Itchy robot continues to walk towards Homer, its ax raised.
Lisa: Dad, I think you're wrong about that robot trying to be your
friend.
Homer: Lisa! [robot swipes at him with ax] Don't [swipe!] contradict
[swipe!] your [swipe!] elders! [swipe! Homer's two hairs are
cut off] Aah! My hair. You chopped off my hair! Oh God, I'm
ugly.
-- Truth is slow to dawn sometimes, "Itchy and Scratchy Land"
"I _knew_ we should have gone to the bird sanctuary," rues Marge.
There, however, everyone is suddenly chased by birds gone mad. Hans
Moleman orders a seed bell in a phone booth as birds crash into the
glass all around him.
Our favorite family runs away from the robot horde.
Bart: A chopper! We're saved!
Man: [in Itchy costume] Hey! You're the guys that didn't like our
capering. When you get to hell, tell 'em Itchy sent you. [kicks
Bart and Homer]
-- Hell hath no fury like an Itchy scorned, "Itchy and Scratchy Land"
[the robots close in]
Marge: Oh, my. It looks like we're doomed.
Homer: Back, you robots! Nobody ruins my family vacation but me...and
maybe the boy!
-- He got that part right, "Itchy and Scratchy Land"
Homer pulls his wallet from his pocket and throws it at the robots,
followed by two handfuls of change, a banana, his underwear...and his
camera. The flash goes off, making four robots collapse.
Lisa: Dad! The flash must have scrambled their circuits.
Homer: What are you, the narrator?
Lisa: Aah! Just keep taking pictures!
[Homer snaps another shot and an Itchy collapses]
Bart: [grabbing its mallet] I'll get more cameras!
[runs over to camera shop, smashes window, grabs cameras]
[turns back] Smashy, smashy! [smashes another window]
Marge: I don't approve of that...
-- Not the time for approval, "Itchy and Scratchy Land"
The family all snap pictures repeatedly, and robot after robot fizzles
and falls over.
Bart: [German accent] Hey mouse...say cheese.
[snaps picture; an Itchy robot collapses]
With a dry, cool wit like that, I could be an action hero.
[the family snaps more photos]
[Homer emerges from a pile of robots]
Homer: Die, bad robots, die! [laughs] With a dry, cool wit like that, I
could be an action hero.
-- Yeah, real dry, "Itchy and Scratchy Land"
Bart: Who would have thought that our visit to Itchy and Scratchy Land
would turn out to be our best vacation ever?
Lisa: Yeah, best ever!
Marge: Are you two bonkers? We almost got killed...not to mention all
the embarrassment I suffered.
Lisa: But Mom, it's exactly what you wanted in a vacation: it brought
us together as a family, we got a lot of good exercise outdoors,
and we have so many memories.
Marge: [pause] You know, you're right. This truly _was_ the best
vacation ever. Now let us never speak of it again.
-- "Itchy and Scratchy Land"
Roger Meyers Jr. puts in an appearance.
Meyers: As Roger Meyers Jr., the owner of the park, I'd like to thank
you for stopping the killer robots, and to show my appreciation,
here are two free passes.
Homer: But there are five of us.
Meyers: [angry] Here are two free passes!
Homer: That's better.
-- I don't get it, "Itchy and Scratchy Land"
Dr. Frink kneels over the inert body of a robot.
Frink: Man, if this is happening here, I'd hate to think of what's
happening in Euro Itchy and Scratchy Land, n-hey.
[shot of empty parking lot in said park]
Booth man: [French accent] Hello? Itchy and Scratchy Land open for
business. Who are you to resist it, huh?
Come on. My last paycheck bounced. My children need wine.
-- Art imitates life, "Itchy and Scratchy Land"
Back at home, safe, the children laugh at the end of an Itchy and
Scratchy cartoon. Marge watches it with them.
Marge: I hope you realize now that violence on TV may be funny, but it's
not so funny when that violence is happening to you.
Bart: [smug] But it _would_ be funny to someone who was watching us.
Marge: Hmm...
Lisa: No, Mom, he's right. [takes off shoe] Observe:
[throws it at Bart]
[Marge laughs involuntarily; Lisa and Bart laugh too]
Marge: Oh, my! Lisa, go to your room.
Lisa: Aw...
-- Marge refuses to see the light, "Itchy and Scratchy Land"
[End of Act Three. Time: 21:13]
Contributors
{ab} Arthur Brandt
{je} Jim Egge
{ddg} Don Del Grande
{dh} Dave Hall
{th} Tony Hill
{rj} Richard Julie
{mk} Matthew Kurth
{rl} Ricardo Lafaurie
{mkn} Michael K. Neylon
{jcp} John C. Peterson
{jp} Jo Pitesky
{ert} Elson R. Trinidad
{av} Aaron Varhola
===============================================================================
This episode summary is Copyright 1997 by James A. Cherry. Not to be
redistributed in a public forum without permission. (The quotes
themselves, of course, remain the property of The Simpsons, and the
reproduced articles remain the property of the original authors. I'm
just taking credit for the compilation.)