Lawyers are like nuclear warheads. They've got them and we've got them -- but if they're used, they'll screw up everything around them.


The old man was critically ill.  Feeling that death was near he called his lawyer.

"I want to become a lawyer.  How much is it for that express degree you told my about?"

"It's $50,000", the lawyer said, "But why?  You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?"

"That's my business!  Get me the course!"

Four days later, the old man got his law degree.  His lawyer was at his bedside making sure his bill would be paid.

Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end.  Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "Please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to get a law degree so badly before you died?"

In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said: "One less lawyer".


The lawyer's son wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, so he went to law school.  He graduated with honors, and then went home to join his father's firm.  At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his father's office, and said, "Father, father, in one day I broke the accident case that you've been working on for ten years!"  His father responded:  "You idiot, we lived on the funding of that case for ten years!"

A man was sent to Hell for his sins.  As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he passed a room where a lawyer was having an intimate conversation with a beautiful young woman.  "What a rip-off," the man muttered.  "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman." Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?'

What do you get when you cross a crooked politician with a crooked lawyer? Chelsea.

How do you kill a lawyer? Slam the toilet seat on his head while he's drinking.

A lawyer was asked if he'd like to become a Jehovah's Witness.  He declined, as he hadn't seen the accident, but replied that he would still be interested in taking the case.

A lawyer was interrogating a witness at the stand.  The witness was a punk from the streets of London. "You've got a lot of intelligence for someone of your background", the lawyer sneered.  "I'd return the compliment if I wasn't under oath," the punk replied.

Your attorney and your mother - in - law are trapped in a burning building.  You only have time to save one of them. Do you have lunch or go to a movie?

What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish? One is and ugly, scum sucking bottom-feeder and the other is a fish.

What's the difference between God and a lawyer? God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
                                                                   
What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech? A leech quits sucking your blood after you die.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? A vampire only sucks blood at night.

What's the difference between a lawyer on a Harley and a vacuum cleaner? The vacuum has the dirt bag on the inside.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? A vulture doesn't get Frequent Flyer points.

What's the other difference between a lawyer and a vulture? Vultures can't take their wing tips off. What's one more difference between a lawyer and a vulture? A vulture will wait until you're dead to rip you heart out.

What's the difference between a dead dog in road and a dead lawyer in the road? There are skid marks in front of the dog.

What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? Vultures will eat the skunk.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute? Clothes.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of crap? The bucket.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline? You take your shoes off before you jump on a trampoline.

How can you tell if your lawyer is worthless? Ask him if he's a member of the bar.

Why are laboratory scientists switching from rats to lawyers for their experiments? Lawyers are more plentiful than rats, The lab technicians don't get as attached to the lawyers, and There are some things a rat just won't do.

What's the only disadvantage to using lawyers instead of rats in laboratory experiments? It's harder to extrapolate the test results to human beings.

Why should lawyers be buried 100 feet deep? Because deep down, they're really good people.

What educational programs should the United States support to alleviate the burgeoning US - Japan trade imbalance? Japanese language lessons for lawyers.

Why do lawyers carry their certification on their dashboard? So they can park in the handicapped parking; it's proof of a moral disability.

How can you tell there's an afterlife for lawyers? Because after they die, they lie still.

What's a criminal lawyer? Redundant.

What are lawyers good for? They make used car salesmen look good.

What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A Doberman pincher.

What did the lawyer name his daughter? Sue. 

What do you call a person who assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested? An accomplice. What do you call a person who assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested? A lawyer.

What do you call 10,000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start.

How can you tell when your lawyer is lying. His lips move.

How can you save a drowning lawyer? Take your feet off his head.

How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? Cut the rope.

What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in cement? Not enough cement.

Why is it that so many lawyers have broken noses? From chasing parked ambulances.

If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him? It might be your bicycle.

Where can you find a good lawyer? In the city morgue.

What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer? An offer you can't understand.

What happens when you cross a pig and a lawyer? Nothing.  There are some things a pig won't do.

Why do sharks never attack lawyers? Professional courtesy.

What's the definition of "a shame" (as in, "that's a shame")? When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff. What's the definition of a "crying shame"? When there was an empty seat.

How many corporate attorneys does it take to change a light bulb? Who knows, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

How many defense attorneys does it take to change a light bulb? How many can you afford?

How many divorce attorneys does it take to change a light bulb? It only takes one divorce attorney to change your light bulb to his light bulb.

How many personal injury attorneys does it take to change a light bulb? One to turn the bulb, one to shake him off the ladder and the third to sue the ladder company.

How many contract attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidates, and otherwise illuminates of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area upon inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by aforementioned agreement between the parties,  The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder, of any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable.

Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.

Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb").  This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.

NOTE:     The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective beginning to produce the most possible for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership."

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred-dollar bill.  Who gets it? The old drunk, of course: the other three are mythical creatures.

Why does California have the most lawyers, and New Jersey, the most toxic waste dumps? New Jersey got first pick.

It was so cold last winter…(
How cold was it?)….I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean.  The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire.  The insurance company paid for everything."

"That's quite a coincidence", said the engineer, "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."

The lawyer looked somewhat confused.  "How do you start a flood", he asked.

A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection.  They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was as fault for the mishap.

When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth.  The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.

The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity.  He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was.  The rabbit declared that he had the same problem.  Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.

The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit.  After a few moments, he announced, "You've got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail.  I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!"

The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake.  After feeling about the snake's body for a few minutes, he asserted, "Well you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you squirm all the time, and you've got a forked tongue.  I think you're a lawyer!"

Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case.  "Look," said one, "let's be honest with each other."

"Okay, you first," replied the other.

That was the end of the discussion.

Jury:  a collection of people banded together for the purpose of deciding who has hired the better lawyer.

Applying for a job, a new lawyer was asked if paying back his law school tuition would be any special problem.  He replied that he paid it back right after his first case.  When asked how he managed that he said," Well, my dad sued me for it and won."

A man took a trip out West after a harrowing divorce preceding.  He stopped in a bar, and after a few drinks, stated to no one in particular, "Lawyers are horses' asses."

One of the locals spoke up on hearing this: "Mister, you'd better watch what you say.  You're in horse country."


A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented.  The physician said, "Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon.  Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession."

The engineer replied, "But before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer.  Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine."

Then, the lawyer spoke up.  "Yes," he said, "But who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?"

Lorenzo Dow, an evangelist of the last century, was on a preaching tour when he came to a small town one cold winter's night.  He entered the local general store to get some warmth, and saw the town's lawyers gathered around the pot-bellied stove, discussing the town's business.  Not one offered to allow Dow into the circle.

Dow told the men who he was, and that he had recently had a vision where he had been given a tour of Hell, much like the traveler in Dante's Inferno.  When one of the lawyers asked him what he had seen, he replied, "Very much what I see here: all of the lawyers, gathered in the hottest place."

A young lawyer, starting up his private practice, was very anxious to impress potential clients.  When he saw the first visitor to his office come through the door, he immediately picked up his phone and spoke into it, "I'm sorry, but my caseload is so tremendous that I'm not going to be able to look into your problem for at least a month.  I'll have to get back with you then."  He then turned to the man who had just walked in, and said, "Now, what can I do for you?"

"Nothing," replied the man, "I'm here to hook up your phone."


Lawyers are safe form the threat of automation taking over their professions.  No one would build a robot to do nothing.

A man went into the Chamber of Commerce of a small town, obviously desperate.  He asked the man at the counter, "Is there a criminal attorney in town?"

The man replied, "Yes - but we can't prove it yet."

A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer.  The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and remarked; "I never know how to handle the situation when I'm asked for medical advice during a social function.  Is it acceptable to send a bill for such advice?"  The lawyer replied that is was certainly acceptable to do so.

So, the next day, the doctor sent the ulcer-stricken man a bill.  The lawyer also sent one to the doctor.

A lawyer charged a man $500 for legal services.  The man paid with crisp new $100 bills.  After the client left, the lawyer discovered that two bills had stuck together - he'd been overpaid by $100. The ethical dilemma for the lawyer: Should he tell his partner?

An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position a chief executive officer of a large corporation.  The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with "How much is two plus two?"  The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the boardroom and announcing, "Four."

The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions.  Again, the last question was, "How much is two plus two?"  Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research.  After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced, "Four."

The lawyer was interviewed last, and again the final question was, "How much is two plus two?"  The lawyer drew all the shades in the room, looked outside to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and then whispered, "How much do you want it to be?"

An attorney passed away and found himself in Heaven, but not at all happy with his accommodations.  He complained to St. Peter, who told him that the only recourse was to appeal his assignment.  The attorney immediately advised that he intended to appeal, but was then told that he would be waiting at least three years before his appeal could be heard.

The attorney protested that a three-year wait was unconscionable, but his words fell on deaf ears.  The lawyer was the approached by the devil, who told him that he would be able to arrange an appeal to be heard in a few days, if the attorney was willing to change venue to Hell.

When the attorney asked why appeals could be heard so much sooner in Hell, he was told, "We have all the judges."

As Mr. Smith was on his deathbed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him.  He called for the three men he trusted most - his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman.  He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die.  At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me."

All three agreed to do this and was given the money.  At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside.

While riding in the limousine back from the cemetery, the clergyman said, "I have to confess something to you fellows.  Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one.  I only put $20,000 in the coffin."

The physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either.  Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then.  I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient.  I know the Smith would have wanted me to do that."

The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you.  When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates. "$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer.  "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man. "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what is your third question?"

A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake.  The old Legal Lions gave them a fight for their lives.  The gang was very happy to escape.

"It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got out with $25 between us."

"I warned you to stay clear of lawyers!", the boss screamed. "We had over $100 when we broke in!"

Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer?  You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you'd been there eight hours.

A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the firm's senior partner had passed away unexpectedly.

"Is Mr. Smith there?" asked the client on the phone.

"I'm very sorry, by Mr. Smith passed away last night," the receptionist answered.

"Is Mr. Smith there?" repeated the client.

The receptionist was perplexed. "Perhaps you didn't understand me, I'm afraid Mr. Smith passed away last night."

"Is Mr. Smith there?" asked the client again.

"Madam, do you understand what I'm saying?" said the exasperated receptionist. "Mr. Smith is dead."

"I understand you perfectly," the client sighed.  "I just can't hear it often enough."

Why do you seldom see more than two pallbearers at a lawyer's funeral? Because garbage cans only have two handles.

What do you call 100 lawyers skydiving? Skeet!

What's the difference between Pee Wee Herman and OJ Simpson? It only took 12 jerks to get OJ off.

What's a judge? Someone who has stopped practicing law.

What's a lawyer? Someone who reads a 10,000-word document and calls it brief.

How do lawyers reproduce? They exchange briefs.

Telegram from Bill Clinton to his attorney:

RESULTS OF MY CASE?

Attorneys answer:

JUSTICE HAS TRIUMPHED!

Clinton's return telegram:

APPEAL IMMEDIATELY!

In a busy bank lobby, a lawyer hollers out " Did anyone lose a large roll of money wrapped in a rubber-band?" An eighty-six year old lady, obviously very relieved runs to him and says, "Oh thank you young man, that was my life's savings!" The lawyer replied " Well here's your rubber-band."

How are lawyers and lesbians alike? Neither does dick!

An American Indian goes to a fortuneteller. After looking into her crystal ball - she says, "I have some bad news, some good news, and some great news." The Indian says, "Ok, give me the good news first!" The fortuneteller says "The Government will be returning most all of the land it stole to its rightful owners." The Indian says, "Cool, what's the bad news?" The fortuneteller says, "Lawyers will tie this up in court for so long, that like always - they'll be the only ones to get something." The Indian thinks "Bummer" but then remembers that there was great news, so he says, "OK, what's the great news?" The fortuneteller replies, "Lawyers taste just like buffalo!

A lawyer and a doctor are stranded on a dessert island for a really long time. Then one day they see a life raft floating toward the island.  The doctor wades out in the lagoon to the raft to see if anyone is in the raft. 

The lawyer yells from the shore "Is there anyone in it"

The doctor replies "Yes, a woman!" a pause, then "But there's good news and
bad"

" What's the bad news?"  calls the lawyer

"She's dead" says the doctor

"Well, what's the good news?" yells the lawyer

"She hasn't been dead that long, and I think we can still fuck her" the doctor responds

"Out of what?" says the lawyer


Q: What does a lawyer and an apple have in common?
A: They both look good hanging from a tree...

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."

"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him.

Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars.

Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him.

Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.

"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.

"No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer."

A BILL TO REGULATE THE HUNTING AND HARVESTING OF ATTORNEYS

(Creating section 372: of the California State Civil Code)

§ 372.01 Any person with a valid California state Rodent, Skunk, or Predator hunting license may also hunt and harvest attorneys for recreational, relaxation, and sporting (non-commercial) purposes.

§ 372.02 Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted; however, the use of United States Currency as bait, in denominations of $20.00 or more is prohibited.

§ 372.03 It is unlawful to hurt or trap attorneys inside saloons, cocktail lounges, strip joints, or brothels or within one hundred (100) yards of BMW, Porsche, Mercedes Benz dealerships.

§ 372.04 It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise such as a Hooker, Reporter, Accident Victim, Physician, Chiropractor for the purpose of attracting and hunting attorneys or shout; "WHIPLASH", "CLASS ACTION", or "FREE DRINKS" for such purpose.

§ 372.05 The willful killing of attorneys with a motor vehicle is unlawful. If an attorney is accidentally struck by a motor vehicle, the dead attorney should be removed to the roadside and the vehicle should proceed to the nearest car wash.

§ 372.06 BAG LIMITS PER DAY:


Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp. The small one turns to the big one and says, "I don't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids... I just don't get it."

"Well," says the big alligator, "what have you been eating?"

"Lawyers, same as you," replies the small alligator.

"Hmm. Well, where do you catch 'em?"

"Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp."

"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch' em?"

"Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out, bite' em, shake the shit out of' em, and eat' em!"

"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. See, by the time you get done shakin' the shit out of a lawyer, there's nothin' left but lips and a briefcase..."


The Borg: Resistance is futile.
Lawyers: Resistance is futile.
Coincidence? I THINK NOT!


It had to happen sooner or later. Lawyer Dobbins was wheeled into the emergency room on a stretcher, rolling his head in agony. Doctor Green came over to see him.

"Dobbins," he said, "What an honor. The last time I saw you was in court when you accused me of malpractice."

"Doc. Doc. My side is on fire. The pain is right here. What could it be?"

"How would I know? You told the jury I wasn't fit to be a doctor."

"I was only kidding, Doc. When you represent a client you don't know what you're saying. Could I be passing a kidney stone?"

"Your diagnosis is as good as mine."

"What are you talking about?"

"When you questioned me on the stand you indicated you knew everything there was to know about the practice of medicine."

"Doc, I'm climbing the wall. Give me something."

"Let's say I give you something for a kidney stone and it turns out to be a gallstone. Who is going to pay for my court costs?"

"I'll sign a paper that I won't sue."

"Can I read to you from the transcript of the trial? Lawyer Dobbins: 'Why were you so sure that my client had tennis elbow?' Dr. Green: 'I've treated hundreds of people with tennis elbow and I know it when I see it.' Dobbins: 'It never occurred to you my client could have an Excedrin headache?'

Green: 'No, there were no signs of an Excedrin headache.'

Dobbins: 'You and your ilk make me sick.' "

"Why are you reading that to me?"

"Because, Dobbins, since the trial I've lost confidence in making a diagnosis. A lady cane in the other day limping ..."

"Please, Doc, I don't want to hear it now. Give me some Demerol."

"You said during the suit that I dispensed drugs like a drunken sailor. I've changed my ways, Dobbins. I don't prescribe drugs anymore."

"Then get me another doctor."

"There are no other doctors on duty. The reason I'm here is that after the malpractice suit the sheriff seized everything in my office. This is the only place that I can practice."

"If you give me something to relieve the pain I will personally appeal your case to a higher court."

"You know, Dobbins, I was sure that you were a prime candidate for a kidney stone."

"You can't tell a man is a candidate for a kidney stone just by looking at him."

"That's what you think, Dobbins. You had so much acid in you when you addressed the jury I knew some of it eventually had to crystallize into stones. Remember on the third day when you called me the 'Butcher of Operating Room 6'? That afternoon I said to my wife, 'That man is going to be in a lot of pain.' "

"Okay, Doc, you've had your ounce of flesh. Can I now have my ounce of Demerol?"

"I better check you out first."

"Don't check me out, just give the dope."

"But in court the first question you asked me was if I had examined the patient completely. It would be negligent of me if I didn't do it now. Do you mind getting up on the scale?"

"What for?"

"To find out your height. I have to be prepared in case I get sued and the lawyer asks me if I knew how tall you were."

"I'm not going to sue you."

"You say that now. But how can I be sure you won't file a writ after you pass the kidney stone?"

(there's no actual punchline here, just that warm, fuzzy feeling of hearing about a lawyer getting some of the same treatement as he gives)


A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4 p.m. and getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury.

The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom. The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendant was guilty. The jury went into the jury-room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited.

After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the verdict. When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they got a verdict yet?"

The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? Hell, they're still doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"


George and Harry out in a hot air balloon to cross the Atlantic Ocean. After 37 hours in the air, George says "Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are". Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the cloud cover.

George says, "I still can't tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground". So Harry yells down to the man "Hey, could you tell us where we are?"

The man on the ground yells back "You're in a balloon, 100 feet up in the air".

George turns to Harry and says "That man must be a lawyer". And Harry says "How can you tell?". George says "Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally useless".

That's the end of the Joke, but for you people who are still worried about George and Harry: They end up in the drink, and make the front page of the New York Times: "Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer".

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!

"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"

"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."

A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it.

"Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer.

"Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put ``here lies an honest lawyer''."

"But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer.

"Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "people will read it and exclaim, "That's Strange!"



A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train.

The Russian takes a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world, nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..." Saying that, he open the window and throw the rest of the bottle through it. All the others are quite impressed.

The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas, nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigars and we have so much of them, that we can just throw them away...". Saying that, he throws the pack of Havanas through the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed.

At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the Lawyer through it...


A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.

Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?" The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?" "$7.98."

A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read:

Legal Consultation Service: $150

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"

St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners. The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So what's the catch?"

A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to the place of eternal torment, he saw a lawyer making passionate love to a beautiful women. "What a ripoff," the man muttered. "I have to roast for all eternity and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman." Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"

A quote attributed to one of America's founders, John Adams, in the play 1776: "I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is called a disgrace, two men are called a law firm, and three or more become a Congress."

A lawyer had a jury trial in a very difficult business case. The client who had attended the trial was out of town when the jury came back with its decision, which was for the lawyer and his client. The lawyer immediately sent a telegram to his client, reading "Justice has triumphed!" The client wired back, "Appeal at once!"

A man woke up from surgery and his doctor told him he would not live the night. He asked "please call my lawyer and will you both stay here by my side?" The doctor was silent for a moment and then asked what he had in mind? The man replied "Jesus died with a thief on either side and I'd thought I check out the same way!"

A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?

The housewife replies: "Four!".

The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time."

The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"

A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20 more of them."

A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence. They referred it to Diogenes, who gave it in favor of the lawyer as follows: "Let the thief go first, and the executioner follow."


"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles.

"My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that question."

Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing.

"Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine."

"Why ?" asked the judge. "He won your acquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for ?"

"Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole."


"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.

"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.


Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?", someone asked. "Not too bad", said Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."

A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"

"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"

"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"


The defendant who pleads their own case has a fool for a client, but at least there will be no problem with fee-splitting.

God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all.

When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.

A lawyer who works in Texas gets a call about an emergency which requires him to immediately fly out of the state for a short period of time. He has no time to pack, so he calls home to tell his wife he is going. The maid answers the call, but is quite hesitant about putting his wife on the phone. After quite a bit of interrogation, she admits that the wife is upstairs in bed with the mailman! The lawyer is furious, and wants to rush right home, but of course there is this emergency he must take care of. So instead, he tells the maid to go get the gun from the desk drawer and kill both his wife and the mailman. She protests! The lawyer explains that under Texas law it is legal to kill your adulterous wife and her lover. Using his silver tongue, he finally convinces her to do it. She puts down the phone, and soon the lawyer hears the sound of two gun shots, a scream, some loud thumps, and finally, two splashes. The maid comes back to the phone. The lawyer asks, "Did you kill them?" "Yes," she replies. The lawyer questions her again, "What did you do with the bodies?" "I threw them in the pool," she responds. there is a brief pause from the lawyer. He asks her, "Did you say the pool?" "Yes! I threw them in the pool!" she says. "Uh, is this 555-8234?"

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