The Skeleton Company Employees' Orientation Handbook
As Inscribed by Lord Scott Heyden
Skeleton Co. List of Services
Company Store items: (* Denotes Mandatory)
*Food: Average cost 2 gold per person per day. (Family becomes a penalty)
*Uniform: 10 gold/rank (Goblin: 10 gold. Hobgoblin: 20 gold, etc.)
Note: Uniforms must be maintained in good condition. Supervisors may require replacement uniforms at any time, if condition of uniform is substandard. Replacement uniform fees will be added to employee's bill on a monthly basis. Back interest is payable from the week of issue.
Uniform Cleaning Service: 2 gold/week
*Non-union employee work permit: 50 gold
*Non-union employee work permit renewal: 10 gold/month
Damaged equipment costs: Variable
Clean-up costs: Variable
Note: Clean-up costs will be assessed for battles or fighting that results in blood, viscera, bodily fluids, or other unseemly debris left in the workplace. Workers are allotted fifteen minutes at the end of shift to conduct cleanup. Addition cleanup will be charged to the employee responsible for the area at the rate of 2 gold per hour.
*Coffee Pool: 2 gold per week. Mandatory, since honor system has failed in the past.
*Skeleton Co. Employee Benefits Manual: 5 gold
Cleaning Equipment Rental: 1 gold/hour (1 hour minimum)
First Aid Kit: 5 gold (heals ? per use, 10 uses)
Supervisor's Belt: Contains: Mirror (for observing subordinates around corners), Lantern, Map of supervisor's area, Log scroll, quill. 25 gold. Mandatory for Supervisors.
Shade Veil: Neutralizes "light blindness" when those annoying torch-carrying do-gooders intrude on your darkened space. 3 gold.
Muffler: This small magical glass ball, when thrown, fills corridor with a blanket of silence, once glass is broken. Useful when you don't want that do-gooder's friends to know you've started working on their party from the rear. 20 gold per one-minute ball. (Warranty: If Muffler Brand silence ball fails to function, simply return the unused portion of the minute for refund. Refund rate at 1 gold per 5 seconds not activated. Proof of failure is required for refund. Lots X42, X43, and X44 subject to recall, and are not covered by warranty.)
Digesto-Bismol: Instantly converts any ingested matter to simple sugar, calms stomach during flesh digestion. Minty flavor. 12 gold. (Slogan on bottle: You get it down, we'll help you Keep it down!)
Willowbark: Hit your head on one too many doorjams? Chew on this for some well-deserved relief. 2 gold for 10 doses.
Sloka-Cola: For those employees who love life, enjoy the drink of Kings. Sloka-Cola almost magically seems to wash away your troubles on the job. 1 gold per bottle. (Discontinue use one week prior to potion testing, as our special blend of all-natural herbs has been known to cause erroneous readings.)
Company Store Special Order Items:
Skeleton Co. Tour '35 T-shirt: Mandatory for company picnic. 10 gold. Note: company picnic is mandatory.
"I Survived the '35 Strike" Skull cap: Strongly encouraged for morale. Likely to elicit negative response from picket line. 8 gold.
IWO (International Wizard's Order) 9000 certified Pin: Mandatory for supervisors and inspection department. 25 gold.
Skeleton Co. Water Bottle: 5 gold.
"I Serve with Pride" Dungeon Sound Orb: Magical orb that plays that melody we've all grown to love over the years at Skeleton Co. Now you can take the magic home! 15 gold.
Signed limited edition copy of "How to Get Ahead in Necromancy Without Really Dying." Written by our very own DARC Lord, Walken Dhead. Strongly Encouraged. Collector's item. 30 gold.
Skeleton Co. Fun Center:
Discount tickets for the Carnival of Horrors. Fun for the whole family. 3 gold per ticket.
Weekly Wizardball! Lotto ticket. Winning ticket to be divided among all entrants. 1 gold/entry.
ER (Employee Resources):
Benefits Packages: Eligible employees may sign up for one of the following benefits plans.
HMO (Homunculus-Mishap Option): Upon your demise, all rights to your body, or any portion thereof, transfer to the company for use as they see fit. No charge to the Employee.
SRO (Standard Resurrection Option): Upon demise, you will be resurrected for return to work. A resurrection fee of 25 gold will be assessed for the first performance, all subsequent resurrections will be covered by a 5 gold co-pay. Some memory loss is typical with resurrections, resulting in mandatory demotion by one rank. 10 gold per month.
PPO (Potion/Preventive Option): Company apothecary will issue daily medication, brewed by our own in-house lab, which will prevent death decay, and allow restoration to normal working satisfaction. Prevents loss of memory/skill associated with normal resurrection procedures. All other resurrection conditions apply. 20 gold/month.
Found: Uniform lapel from Hobgoblin rank employee. Inquire at Supervisor's office.
Skeleton Co. Suggestion Mirror: Employees with suggestions for improvement may simply speak into the below mirror. All suggestions completely anonymous. This mirror is in no way a scrying device, and all comments will be only used for the improvement of the quality of life here at Skeleton Co. Employees with accepted suggestions will receive a 50 gold bonus. (graffiti beside mirror: How do you know who to give the bonus to?)
Application Scrolls: Employees interested in promotion opportunities simply fill out one of the scrolls below, and submit to your supervisor. (Box is empty)
Wanted: Used good condition Hobgoblin uniform lapel. Meet me in town at Darcy's Pub.
Notice: Earn extra pay! Is your company healthy and safe? Why not help make it more so? You can earn part time pay as a representative for D-OSHA (Dungeon Orderliness, Security, and Habitat Awareness committee.) As part of the International Wizard's Council on workplace conditions, an investigative committee has been formed to research dungeon conditions. You can report part time to this committee to help improve your company's conditions for you and your fellow workers. And because of recently passed ordinances, your employer is required to pay you, even when you work for us! So join the team that's making a difference. You'll be glad you did.
Notice: There will be a random potion-testing next Trogsday.
Level 3 End of Month Inventory: has been rescheduled for Satyrsday. Attendance is mandatory.
Lost: Large pet rabbit, somewhere near the picket lines yesterday. Abnormally fat and slow. Please return this beloved family pet, preferably before dinner on Sunsday. See Thak in Accounting.
Employee of the Month: For the fourth month straight, we recognize Yally-Jo-Wob Dhead, nephew of our own Dread Lord, Walken Dhead. Yally can be seen hard at work testing mattresses in the overnight barracks, in his position as "Employee Comfort Assurance Specialist." Thanks for the great job, Yally!
Position Openings: Due to recent turnovers, the following positions have opened:
Level 1 Supervisor
Level 1 Assistant Supervisor
Dragon Handler Supervisor
Assistant Dragon Handler (4 openings)
Dragon cage attendant (3 openings)
Dragon Handler Training Supervisor
Employee Resources Specialist: Dragon Department
Janitorial Staff: Graveyard shift