By Charles Anders

TOYS. IT'S not just a lame Robin Williams movie; it's a way of life for many perverts.

And judging from the hit lists at the city's freakiest retailers, your toy chests hold more than just boringly phallic joy buzzers and plugs.

Even people who do crave traditional, old-fashioned dildos buy ones that resemble nothing found in nature, according to the folks at Mr. S Leather and Fetters USA (310 Seventh St., S.F. 415-863-7764). The store's biggest seller among dildos is the line of silicone dildos made by Square Peg ($16-$85), which, the Mr. S folks say, are "realistic to your imagination." Some of the Square Pegs do look a bit like John Thomas or his brother Clarence, but many resemble the abstract sculptures of Henry Moore.

And representational art is passé in the land of vibrators too. According to Maria at Blowfish, the biggest seller is the Fukuoku 9000 ($19.95). You've probably seen ads for it on TV: that bump-covered sheath that goes over your finger and vibrates. Female users rave that it's perfect for clits and fits in your purse. It runs on watch batteries and comes with a snug carrying pouch. The TV ads always show it working on someone's temples or foot – as if that ever happens in real life!

Not surprisingly, Good Vibrations (1210 Valencia, S.F. 415-974-8980) gets the biggest bang from the Hitachi Magic Wand ($49.95), followed by the Fukuoku. The superpowerful Wand is a classic, with a tennis-ball head and a two-foot stalk. It's advertised online as "Betty Dodson's favorite vibrator," the official wand of the "sex for one" set.

Today's consumers may not want their toys to ape the phallus, but they sure enjoy tormenting it. The other top seller at Mr. S is the CB2000 chastity device ($159.95). This is a rigid cage that imprisons your penis and prevents it from achieving an erection. It has a place for a padlock, with the key presumably belonging to the master in a master-slave relationship. Definitely not for casual play, but fun for people who want to take "ownership" to another level.

The Mr. S Web site notes that one customer wore the CB2000 for 90 days nonstop and "didn't want to take it off" afterward.

As a plus, the CB2000 is made of plastic, not metal, as are many other male chastity belts – you definitely do not want to walk through airport security wearing a metal cage. And it comes in hot pink and smoke gray. There's also a line of "keyholder" T-shirts for the person who controls access to the lock and toothed rings to make it painful for the wearer to tamper with it. (The toothed rings come in "mild, medium, or severe.")

Meanwhile, Stormy Leather (582C Castro, S.F. 415-671-1295; 1158 Howard, S.F. 415-626-1672) reports runaway sales of its own Divide and Conquer cock ring ($28). As the name suggests, the D&C has two straps that separate the testicles. Three more straps wrap around the shaft of the penis, and there's an optional leash.

Does clothing count as a toy? Maybe not if you're a Gap kid, but for those of us for whom dressing is self-expression, foreplay and fantasy rolled into one, definitely. Stormy Leather's customers agree – although for all I know they have a huge crossover with Old Navy. Among its hottest toys Stormy Leather counts its top-selling garment, the Colette Corset ($419.95), which comes with leather ruffles.

Stormy Leather also makes the Terra Firma ($32-$48), the top-selling strap-on harness at Good Vibes. It comes in leather or nylon, and you can adjust it to fit different body sizes or dildos, says Good Vibes toy buyer Joyce. Slogan: "The Earth may move, but now your dildo won't!"

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