DEATH RACE 2000
Copyright 1978 New World Pictures.
Frankenstein - David Carradine! Dark and brooding racer, he is believed to be a myriad of replaced limbs.
Machine Gun Joe - Sylvester Stallone! Racer with a classic gangster motif, except he stresses. A lot. Him and his ulcer say hi to a grenade.
Annie Paine - Daughter of the rebel leader who is out to capture or kill Frankenstein, she falls in love with him instead.
Myra - Joe's amazingly blonde navigator, helps him welcome the grenade.
Calamity Jane - Crazed female driver, her car looks like a steer until it runs over a land mine.
Matilda the Hun - Aryan poster girl, drives off a cliff.
Nero the Hero - Hits an explosive baby, points zero.
Junior Bruce - Hyper reporter, he won't stop campaigning for the race until Frankenstein runs him over.
Grace Parker - Heavy female reporter, she's the kind who is everybody's "dear friend."
Thomasina Paine - Leader of the resistance, Betsy Ross' daughter or something.
The President - Emperor of America who loves us all. Run down by Frankenstein.
David Carradine running around in a leather jumpsuit, what else could you want? Well, maybe somebody other than David Carradine in the jumpsuit, but then Stallone wouldn't have anyone to stress about.
In 2000 America has been rebuilt by one man, the President has become an emperor. With this power he created the Race. Every year violent role-playing psychopaths are placed behind the wheels of high performance killing machines and sent across the country. Their goal? Finish alive with the most points from running down as many pedestrians as possible and it's all perfectly legal. See a line of doctors and nurses on the sidewalk? Thump, thump, thump: 110 points.
Lucky for us there are rebels who believe in safe highways; led by Thomasina Paine they decide to fight back. You have to feel sorry for Nero, he makes to run over what seems to be a cute little toddler and it turns out to be a doll full of explosives. The rebels really want to get Frankenstein though, he's favored to win the race and a personal friend of the President.
Having planted Annie as Frankenstein's navigator they try to capture or kill him to no avail; he is a man on a mission. His right hand was removed, in the real thing's place is an artificial one with a grenade embedded in it. (Believe it or not, Carradine makes the "hand grenade" joke - I didn't even get a chance.) Frankenstein hates the President and his race more than anyone else and he knows the winner gets to shake hands.
Okay, the entertainment value of this movie should be obvious. People are getting churned into road mush left and right with sports reporters acting like it's the Super Bowl.
In the future marching bands suck.
David Carradine is a little skinny to be the imposing evil guy.
Every generation has one person who speaks like Howard Cosell.
Don't try to play matador with a car.
Blondes aren't dumb, they're hard of hearing.
If you love someone set them free, if they come back turn them into road kill.
Stallone hates fly fishermen.
People don't make effective speed bumps.
David Carradine can kick Sylvester Stallone's ass.
Hand grenades can be quite literal.
1 min - This title sequence does not bode well.
7 mins - Yo Adrian! (You knew that was coming, your friends knew that was coming, the door knew that was coming...)
25 mins - Pop goes the brain cavity!
26 mins - Hey, how about sitting up? Thank you!
26 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
37 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST CLERGY! Wait a minute, he just ran over the Pope!
44 mins - "Make fast my V1 rocket?"
52 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A VIOLIN!
56 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
59 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A PIT CREW!
Junior: "Frankenstein, who lost a leg in 98, an arm in 99, with half a face and half a chest and all the guts in the world he's back! God only knows what he looks like under that mask, but he is back."
This takes some explaining and I'm not the man to do it, but here goes. Old people are worth mondo points, but the doctors and nurses are probably in their twenties or thirties and are worth much less as road kill (this all makes sense in a weird Kevorkian sort of way). By running over the individuals worth less points it shows Frankenstein has a sense of humor.