Danny Baker Show  -  31st October 1999

 

Have You Ever Lost Your Shoes?

1. Angela - She has lost count of the number of times that her friend Thomas has lost his shoes. He always disappears when they go out drinking and turns up at the end of the evening with no shoes.

2. Michael (Edinburgh) - One day his mother-in-law decided to clear out the cupboard under the stairs. While she was cleaning, to keep things tidy she put all the shoes into a black dustbin bag. Michael came in from work later that day and saw two black bags of rubbish in the kitchen so he put them out for the dustmen. The next day the dustmen took the bags full of the family’s whole stock of shoes (about 40 in all). Nobody in the house had a shoe to wear. Michael’s wife had to borrow some shoes from a neighbour so that she could go out and buy some shoes for the children so they could go to school.

3. Julie (Chelmsford) - On Wednesday night she was on the way home between White City and Liverpool Street Station when she fell asleep. She woke up near her destination to find that her left shoe was missing. She can only assume that while she was asleep someone took it off her foot and chucked it out of the open doors at one of the stations.

4. Liz (Hatchfield) - She lost the same pair of shoes twice. The 1st time was when she was 11 years old and sitting on the organ in her church. She was swinging her legs and her shoes shot off and got lost in the workings of the organ, part of which was dismantled to get them back. A few months later she was in a theatre on a school trip swinging her legs again when the same shoes shot off and fell into the aisle behind her and then down into the basement below the seating. After the performance she was standing in the foyer with a colourful scarf wrapped around her foot to disguise the missing shoe, when a workman approached her and said “Is this your shoe miss?”

5. Richard (Huddersfield) - On holiday in Goa he went out for the night and got very drunk and fell asleep on the beach. When he woke up his sandals had been stolen from his very feet. The next day he went to a shoe shop to buy some replacements and the owner tried to sell him his very sandals back to him. He persuaded the owner to give them back to him for no price.

6. Guy - Went to the dentist and while under the influence of the gas the dentist explained that he was going away to France for the weekend but didn’t have any brown shoes to go with his suit. The dentist asked Guy what size his brown shoes were. Guy replied and asked him if he wanted to borrow them. The dentist said yes so he gave them to him there and then. When he got home his wife asked him where his shoes were and he could only reply “I lent them to the dentist”.

7. Andrew(York) - In the 70’s he went to Filbert Street to see his team Man United play. When Man U scored the crowd started a surge which resulted in the person behind you stepping onto your heel, and when you moved forward your foot came out of you shoe and you were left with no shoe. At the end of the match a huge amount of fans were at the front of the terrace trying to locate their shoes in a pile of hundreds. He only found one of his shoes so had to ake do with someones elses who had the same size as him. All the Man U fans were either shoeless or wearing odd shoes that day.

8. Stephen Rodgers - When at work in the office he would often get hot feet and so he would take his shoes off and walk round in his socks. One day his colleagues thought it would be funny if they hid his shoes. At the end of the day he was working in another room and when he returned everyone had gone home and forgotten about their prank. Stephen lived 40 miles away and commuted on a motorbike, so that cold rainy night he had to ride home wearing one shoe (which he found) and the other foot wrapped up in plastic bags.

 

Drunken Phrases

1. Danny - After a few cold beers Danny walked into the front room and muttered “Tetrapak, Where’s the Tetrapak”.

2. James (Clapham) - Used to deliver the papers for a shop in the village with his friends. One morning after a particularly heavy night he went back to his friends for a kip before they had to go back to work. Some time later his friend shook him by the shoulders to wake him and he sat up and said “What’s the Tradition”.

3. Andy(Cleethorpes) - When he was 18 he came back from a night out and went straight to bed. During the night his mother walked past his room and heard him muttering. When she went into his room to see if he was alright he shot up straight and shouted “Get the wardrobe off my back”.

4. Elliot (East Finchley) - In South America after a night of drinking his girlfriend asked him when he was in a semi conscious state what’s the matter. He replied “I’m just giving the monster evil looks”.

5. Alison (Isle of Wight) - She had been to a party with her husband last night. During the nught Frank was snoring so she shook him. He woke and said “Snoring Yes, but only in Nottingham and not in Kent”.

6. Mark (Langley) - Went to see Brent v Crewe at Wembley for the play offs. One of his friends is a fireman and was up a lot the night before on shouts. Before the match they had a few beers and so during the match he was struggling to stay awake and when he fell asleep they left him to it. During half time when there was nobody on the pitch he awoke suddenly stood up and shouted “You’re rubbish ref”.

7. Ronald - Many years ago during a fire brigade strike the army was called in to cover with the green goddess fire engines. His dead was a night watchmen outside a fire station and when the strike was called off the troops decided to get legless. Seeing his dead (a strictly amateur drinker) outside on his own at 2am they invited him in to join them. He got home completely destroyed at 6am. He couldn’t get up the stairs and so he crawled into the alcove under the stairs to sleep. Coming down in the morning Ronald found his dads legs sticking out and so he gave him a nudge and asked him what he was doing there. His dad’s only reply was “No thanks I don’t like Guinness” before he slumped into a coma.

8. Graham - After a late night session he apparently sat upright and said that he was “Going for a hammer” he got up, walked into the kitchen and had a pee in the sink. This happened 20 years ago and to this day if anybody needs to go to the toilet they say I’m going for a hammer.

9. Kerry (Warwick) - After a good night out all the boys are alseep when a friend of Kerry’s sits bolt upright, eyes wide open and says “Garage forecourts” then goes back to sleep.

10. David Bowman - Many years ago he was sharing a digs with a couple of other guys when sat upright and screamed “Assassins  Kill them” and went back to sleep.

11. Mark - His late dad liked a drink or 12 and one day his mum and dad went to see Cats with Elaine Paige. He wasn’t keen on the idea and so he had a few beers beforehand  and even more during the interval. He fell asleep during the second half until he suddenly woke up jumped to his feet and shouted “Where’s Janice?” A small amount of chaos followed and he never went to the theatre again. He went to his maker without ever telling anyone who Janice was.

12. Nikki (Peterborough) - She woke up in the middle of the night to find her drunken husband pulling on her nose. She woke him up and said what are you doing? His reply was “I’m trying to open the door.”

13. Chris (Liverpool) - Her boyfriend woke up in the middle of the night to shout “I’ve nowhere to put the money”.

 

I Guarantee My Dog Will Sing

1. Linda - Her dog Fester the Doberman was going to sing for us, but failed to perform. A second attempt could only muster some barking but no singing.

2. Richard (Birmingham) - Henry the Dalmatian sang with the aid of a rubber bone.

3. Neil (Mansfield) - His West Highland Terrier named Pepsi sung along to Neighbours lie a pro!

 

Miscellaneous Items

214 faxes said yes to The Who and ‘Won’t get fooled again’, while 203 faxes wanted Stairway to heaven. - The Who wins!

 

Non-Runners

How can I put the clock back on my video recorder.