1. You've Got Johnny Rotten! Cheat Sheet encourages efforts to turn "EMI," the Sex Pistols' classic swipe at the record label, into "AOL (dossier)," which will own the label if the merger-go-round isn't derailed. New lyrics will be delivered to Steve Case in a screaming telegram.

2. Welcome to the Bubble: Fresh off its $700 share price and four-way split, Qualcomm last week beat the Street but warned analysts that, because most of its investors had no clue how to spell "Qualcomm," the company would change its name to "I Think They Make Cell Phones."

3. Is There a Spin Doctor In the House? Microsoft (MSFT)'s portal has a new politics channel. The description: "An opportunity for Microsoft to use its strength in technology and the innovation of the Internet to expand the political dialogue between citizens and their government." The reality: articles from Slate and MSNBC, lots of links to other Web sites. - Alex Lash

QUOTED

"I don't consider myself a thief. I copied without permission."
- Former computer hacker Kevin Mitnick, on his release from prison (Associated Press)

"Everyone with a PC thinks they're going to revolutionize the auto industry and retire at 27 with a 180-foot yacht. They don't have a clue."
- James Holden, president of the Chrysler Group of DaimlerChrysler (New York Times)

"You've heard of GenX? This is GenXX, as in the chromosome."
- Hillary Carlip on the target audience of the new teen-age girls' site Voxxy

DATA: Put Your Money Where The Market Is

Pharmaceutical companies spend $220 per print ad to drive one customer request for a prescription drug.
Spending $14 online generates the same result.

based on in-depth interviews with more than 2,700 u.s. adults. source: cyber dialogue

JUST ONE QUESTION: John Hamman

Sunbeam, the 90-year-old home-appliance company, announced in January a new subsidiary, Thalia Products, that will make a line of appliances, including bathroom scales and electric blankets, which talk to each other over a wireless network. We asked Thalia President and CEO John Hamman ...

Q: Can appliances be too smart?

A: They can be smart in the wrong way. Nobody wants to figure out how to program his refrigerator. We have to be sensitive to consumer needs, so consumers say, 'Bring it on!'" - Kathi Black

PROCLAMATION: The Net: Is It Good for the Jews?

In a modern interpretation of the Jewish holy Torah scriptures, ultra-orthodox leaders in Israel have called for a ban on Internet access, which they have decreed a "severe danger, heaven forbid, to the continuation of generations at large."

The top rabbinical leaders' "severe ban" stops short of PC ownership, but forbids using PCs to watch TV and video or play games. It remains to be seen how many of the leaders' roughly 500,000 disciples, or "haredim," actually follow the order, which has been distributed in religious newspapers and neighborhoods but not on the Net. At an intersection near Tel Aviv, the decrees hung alongside old campaign posters for ex-Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, who once promised a computer for every Israeli child. Seems Bibi had it wrong. The Net "is a dreadful breach of the holiness of Israel, as nothing similar to it has existed since the day Israel came to be," the decree says. - Sharone Parnes

HYPE: Shatnered Dreams of Credibility

Where have you gone, Captain Kirk and T.J. Hooker? In perhaps the saddest case of dot-com spokescelebrity, William Shatner's impromptu lounge crooning in the latest Priceline.com TV ads not only assaults the senses but also destroys the last shred of awe we might have had for the barrel-chested commander of the Starship Enterprise. "He's walking that fine line of parody," says Priceline spokesman Mike Darcy. Very fine, indeed.

In the ads, the bloated ex-superstar takes the stage as a leather-jacketed "troubadour," part Lou Reed, part Tom Jones. He sings a few bars in praise of Priceline. The crowd eats it up. Viewers at home blush in shame. In all, 10 troubadour ads are planned. "As each ad is released it becomes clearer and clearer that it's definitely tongue-in-cheek," Darcy says.

Something seems to be working. On Jan. 11, the day after the campaign began, Priceline says it rang up its first $3 million day. Shatner began as a Priceline spokesman in April 1998 in exchange for a piece of the company, and his over-the-top hucksterism seems to have won him a next generation of fans. Be they die-hard Trekkies or collectors of corporate kitsch, people are calling the company to request copies. No need to sign up for a reverse auction: The ads will soon be downloadable for free. - Michael Learmonth

DEALS OF THE WEEK

VIEW POP UP CHART

DESIGN CRISIS: A Word for Word Imitation

Yahoo (YHOO) parodies are nothing new. But hip online pub Word is a different story. To explain his recent unusual redesign, Yoshi Sodeoka, Word's art director, posted an open letter that questions assumptions about art, design and commercialism. The letter's humble apologies had readers, trained to view everything through an ironic lens, wondering how to take it.

The Japanese-born Sodeoka was indeed serious: "I have failed to carry out the duties of a competent designer. ... If I was a writer who published my work on the Web, I would want people to be able to actually read it. My lack of care for matters such as these has caused other people to suffer. ... In improving our site, we've decided not to invent a new interface of our own. We've simply borrowed from the best: Yahoo."

The new-old design brought a deluge of feedback, much of it negative, and caused Sodeoka last week to reinstate a more typically edgy Word look while he plots the next iteration. There's no hurry, says Marisa Bowe, Word's editor in chief. "I've always advocated that everyone can do whatever they want with Word. It's meant to be an organic expression of the personalities here." - Alex Lash

SHARING AND CARING: Free Culture for U.K. Kids

Amid all the fuss about the Net's wealth creation, a tip of the hat should go to the British government's attempt to redistribute cultural riches online. Prime Minister Tony Blair's administration launched a Web site that distributes unsold theater, sport or concert tickets to high school students - for free. Venues will be expected to participate if they want to continue to qualify for state subsidies.

Culture Secretary Chris Smith says of the scheme, dubbed New Generation Audiences, "It fills empty seats. And it gives young people a chance to experience the arts or sport that they would not otherwise have had."

In the first five months of testing, 30,000 tickets were handed out. A national launch is planned by March's end. Here's hoping it goes off better than Blair's other millennial culture ventures. The world's largest Ferris wheel, the London Eye, was due to open New Year's Eve. The wheel still doesn't turn. (German clutches are blamed.) And two weeks after the Millennium Dome opened in Greenwich, The Guardian newspaper found more than half of its interactive exhibits were broken. - Mark Dolley

SURVEILLANCE: The Ultimate Watchdog Site

Three years ago, Kira Endsley walked away from her job at Dreamworks Records and went straight to the dogs. To spend more time with her boxer pup Maxine, the one-time executive assistant to Martin Scorsese became a dog groomer. She now runs Central Bark in Los Angeles and charges $30 a day for dogsitting. The daycare center's five Web cameras let anxious parents keep an eye on their pups (for an extra $20 a month). "I get calls every day from [owners] who say, 'Hey, can you move the camera a little to the left or down?'" says Endsley. - Laura Roe Stevens

GAMEPLAY: SimCEO

For many companies, channel conflict is no game. Students at Northwestern University's Kellogg Graduate School of Management think otherwise. MBA candidates Scott Mencken and Shailu Verma last week unveiled Bricksorclicks.com, a Web-based simulation that lets visitors play God, a la Sim City, with ToyBlocks, a fictional toymaker that's struggling to sell directly to customers online. In the game, you, the CEO, must allocate channel resources without killing the relationships you've built with megamarts, boutique stores and online retailers. Meanwhile, the chairman is closely watching the stock price for signs of success. - Mickey Butts

VIEW POP UP CHART

SUPERSTAR: John Tesh's Portal Play

TV news reporter, Entertainment Tonight anchor, new-age music superstar, family man, devout Christian. Now add litigious Web mogul to the panoply of John Tesh personas. Tesh recently filed suit under the Anti-Cybersquatting and Consumer Privacy Act against celebrity info site Celebsites, which has registered Johntesh.com and redirects unsuspecting Teshies to its homepage. At least Tesh can laugh about it: "I gobbled all these [other URLs] up and forgot to get my own name."

Tesh already runs Tesh.com, a "family site" with chat, radio and news. But there's a lot more in the works. This spring, he plans to expand Tesh.com into an advice portal for women. Each of the channels will carry "MD" in the URL, such as HealingMD .com for health advice and FaithMD.com for religion [see chart]. Tesh plans to have 25 reporters conduct interviews with experts that will constitute the body of advice. Tesh himself will interview three or four people a week. "The whole idea behind this is doing what I grew up doing, interviewing people," he says.

In addition to what his site describes as 20-plus years in broadcast journalism, Tesh's record and concert sales have topped $100 million. With 1.5 million concert tickets sold - "mainly [to] women between [age] 35 and 65," says Tesh - he hopes his female fan base translates into Web traffic: "They want to be good parents, they want good health, they are strong in faith and they want to know what to do with their teens."

Tesh and his wife, actress Connie Sellecca, have funded the existing site, but the expansion will be fueled by $5 million to $10 million in venture funding, what Tesh calls "an embarrassment of riches." - Kathi Black

VIEW POP UP CHART

BABE MAGNETS: Z You in the Valley

Engineers: Does your current job and six-figure salary not make you feel sufficiently sexy? Interwoven, makers of content management software for the Web, needs 20 software engineers and testers, and they're dangling free BMW Z3s - usually $40,000 a pop - in front of applicants. In the color of their choice, no less.

Interwoven says it wants to attract top techies without going through recruitment agencies. Rather than give the middle guys a 30 to 40 percent cut, the company passes the rewards on to future staff. "Whether it's a Z3 this time or laser eye surgery next time, there will be something to direct value to the employee," jokes Interwoven's Kevin Hayden, no doubt concerned for recruits whose poor vision prevents them from driving tiny German sports cars.

Interested parties should hit Interwoven's Web site. For those who want to window-shop first, a Z3 will be on display in Interwoven's parking lot in Sunnyvale, Calif., from Feb. 1 until the staffing blitz is over. If the new wheels don't boost your sex appeal, then a set of washboard abs, available in Interwoven's new employee gym, should do the trick. - Deborah Giattina