TV-PG-V Here's STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN immediately walking to the ring,
where KANE, UNDERTAKER and VINCENT K. are already there. Vince demands
the music get cut off and it's time to welcome back RAW with a McMahon
interview: "I am damn sick and tired of watching you walk around with
that WWF Championship belt! And on Sunday night, September 27th, I won't
have to see it again. Most of you know that recently I announced a master
plan - a master plan that would guarantee that Stone Cold Steve Austin, on
Sunday night, September 27 would LOSE the WWF Championship. Most of you
also know, and yet a further statement on this night, on September 27,
I've ordered a Triple Threat match in which Stone Cold Steve Austin will
defend the WWF title, against BOTH the Undertaker and Kane. However, what
none of you know, especially you, Austin, is that there's been a little
business arrangement here, as you might suspect. You see, I've granted
the Undertaker and Kane a title shot, but they're going to do a little
something for me as well. You see, business is business - don't get me
wrong - there's no love lost between Vince McMahon, the Undertaker and
Kane. I will never forgive or forget what you've [Undertaker] done;
however, it's real simple Austin, you see, I scratch their back, and they
scratch mine. Or maybe - maybe I shouldn't say that, "scratch my back,"
maybe I should say they PROTECT my back. You see, Austin, if you so much
as lay one finger on me - one or both of these two monsters will be all
over you - they'll ANNIHILATE you, which is what's gonna happen on Sunday
night, September the 27th anyhow. You're gonna be annihilated. Now why
is it that Vince McMahon can guarantee to the public that the WWF title is
going to change hands? Well, a number of reasons, but chief amongst them
is a new stipulation in this match - a stipulation added just a moment
ago. And that is, Undertaker, you are prohibited from defeating your
brother Kane in this match. And Kane, you are absolutely prohibited from
defeating your borher the Undertaker in this match. You see, this is not
a normal triple threat match, no, now let me see - if my addition is
correct, I would say in all likelyhood, this could be - now - this could
be two against one. You see, Austin, you won't do business - you REFUSE
to do business. You won't do things the easy way, like Undertaker and
Kane, nonononono. You've gotta do things the HARD way. You've gotta do
things YOUR way. So have it your way, all right? And on Sunday night,
September 27 Austin, when you're flat on your back looking at these ring
lights, and there's been an announcement that you're no longer the WWF
Champion, I want you to remember one thing, and that is, Vince McMahon
didn't screw Stone Cold Steve Austin, oh no, not at all - *Stone Cold
screwed Stone Cold*. So Austin pastes him, and of course, Undertaker and
Kane take care of Austin. McMahon directs traffic after he gets up.
Double chokeslam! McMahon gets on all fours and does a pretty good Austin
impersonation, then flips him off. Kane's music plays and Kane sets the
ringposts on fire. Austin is left laying. At the top of the ramp as the
three exit, Undertaker speaks: "Austin... nothing personal, it's just
business." "And speaking of business, we may not have to wait until
Sunday night, September 27, because tonight in that ring, you'll defend
the title tonight against the world's most dangerous man, Ken Shamrock!"
Stri-Dex and Triple H are the Harvard of professional wrestling!
Hmm, no opening credits in sight. Let's do the spiel now: Live WWF
wrestling returns to Mondays with RAW, LIVE from the Shark Tank, the San
Jose Arena (the home arena of yours truly, watching from about fifteen
miles away in Sunnyvale) in beautiful downtown San Jose, California
14.9.98. Your hosts are Jim Ross and Jerry "the King" Lawler, who provide
commentary. This show is probably closed captioned for the hearing
impaired and probably also en espanol sea disponible, and it's GREAT TO BE
BACK ON MONDAY NIGHTS! Whoops, maybe I'm getting a little excited - if
this is anything like "RAW Saturday Night" I promise I'll get really
cynical really quick. In addition to the title match tonight, we're
promised an evening gown match (yowza!) and more ads than you can shake a
Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago where Vince lets that famous line
about "Stone Cold screwed Stone Cold" and the aftermath. Backstage,
Austin paces, then throws bits of hardware about.
ROAD DOGG JESSE JAMES (with Badd Ass Billy Gunn and X-Pac) v. JEDOUBLEF
JADOUBLEREDOUBLET (with Southern Justice and Guitarogram) - Ross quickly
dispatches a tennis joke - old shots of Roadie and Jarrett remind us that
they had history - FINALLY bringing some closure to that never-started
"who sang 'With My Baby Tonight?'" feud from 1995. They start fighting
before we cut back to live action. Jarrett has his new haircut as a
result of losing at SummerSlam, and his new tights have remnants of that
Aztec-era look. We pick up action when James drops his wiggly elbowdrop
for 2. Jarrett finally gains the advantage when his trick knee acts up,
causing his leg to fly backwards and hit James squarely in the crotch.
Face to the canvas. Now to the turnbuckle. Whip, reverse, James lowers
his head and eats a punch. James steps aside and Jarrett crotches himself
on the second rope. James' attempt at a Bossman straddle DOES work. As
James goes off the ropes, Southern Justice trips him, then pulls him
outside. Meanwhile, Dennis Knight gets a free guitar shot. Hmm,
everybody fighting outside. Jarrett grabs what's left of the guitar,
pastes James and covers. Somehow, referee "Blind" Tim White, having
missed practically everything else, moves over to count the pinfall.
(3:06) Replay shows Jarrett taking the guitar neck to Road Dogg's neck.
Tonight, Sable vs. Jacqueline in an evening gown match - watch for
raisins! Hart/Helmsley for the Intercontinental title, and
Austin/Shamrock for the WWF title!
Let Us Take you back to Heat last night, where Ken Shamrock challenged
Steve Austin "anywhere, anytime, any place."
Backstage, we see Kane and the Undertaker, working on their synchronised
walking. Coming up NEXT, Kane takes on the Rock!
When we come back, we're backstage and James is being helped into an
ambulance - he's having trachea problems and can't breathe. Commissioner
Slaughter tries to find out if the Dogg's all right, but Gunn shouts him
KANE (with the Undertaker) v. THE ROCK - backstage, Michael King Cole
tries to interview the Rock, who is too busy trying to piss off the
remaining members of the Nation to talk. Upshot is that he'll appear
alone tonight, apparently. We are reminded that on previous WWF programs,
the Rock has had problems at the hands of Kane, while the Nation was less
than havin' his back, if you smell what I'm cookin. The Rock has the
upper hand at the start, but Kane is "the big red machine" and beats him
down. Whip, the Rock catches the rope and slides outside. Kane tries to
grab his head but the Rock pulls him off the apron and slams his leg to
the ring. To the corner, the leg is wrapped around the STEEL ringpost.
Rock back in and he's going to continue working on the knee - two kicks to
the back of the knee. Lariat and Kane goes down but quickly pops back up.
Kane catches him and executes a powerslam. Boot to the face by Kane.
Face to the turnbuckle while a "Rocky sucks" chant start up. Hard whip
into the corner. Bodyslam by Kane. Kane outside - climbing the ropes!
Top rope clothesline! 1, 2, no! Face to another turnbuckle. The choke
is on. Whip to the opposite corner, but the Rock puts up a boot. Rock
comes out - no, clothesline. Elbowdrop misses but Kane does the zombie
situp. Knee to the lowered head. The Rock with the floatover DDT! Both
men down, zombie situp. Iblockyou'repunchyoudon'tblockmine by Rocky - are
the fans cheering him? Pounding continues - Kane in the corner now and
the Rock is leveling him. Whip into the ropes, reverse, swinging
neckbreaker by the Rock! 1, 2, no! Crowd is loving this! Throat shot by
Kane to regain control. As he picks up the Rock, the feet take down
referee "Blind" Jack Doane. Side Russian legsweep by the Rock - now
here's the People's Elbow. As the Rock covers, the Undertaker comes in
and takes the Rock down, then out of the ring. Head to the STEEL steps!
MANKIND is in the ring and swining a sledgehammer to Kane! Undertaker
spots Mankind and chases him out...leaving Kane alone in the ring. The
Rock is in...1, 2, 3! Pin for the Rock! Crowd goes nuts! (6:09) Keep
in mind, we haven't seen Mick Foley in any incarnation since SummerSlam.
Kane tries the zombie situp and can't do it. Undertaker tries to help but
Kane doesn't want it. Slooooooow situp. Undertaker's got the mic.
"Mankind, this has gone on way too far - tonight it ends right here! Me
and you, once and for all, and bring your sledgehammer." So there's
another match for tonight. Replay of Mankind squarely hitting Kane in the
WWF War Zone for the VIC 20 ad. Oops, I meant Nintendo. The Nintendo 20.
Wait a minute...
Here's a look at the palm trees across the street from the beautiful,
scenic, San Jose Arena, near the confluence of the Guadalupe River and ...
some creek whose name I forget. I've sat there, though - it's very
peaceful. And afterwards you can WALK to the Old Spaghetti Factory!
Yeah! And then...
Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago.
Michael King Cole interviews Mankind, who accepts the challenge as only he
can, then taking the sledgehammer to some convenient oil barrels.
DUSTIN RUNNELS is in the ring. "Well folks, welcome to hell. Take a look
around here. World Wrestling Federation, man oh man, I'm telling you
what. Stained - with vulgar languge - stained with aggression - and yes,
stained with sex. Val Venis, I told you He's coming, and when He gets
here, you will repent. I promise you." Of course, this brings out VAL
VENIS - "Repent? Repent for what, Dustin? Because I work hard? Or is it
because I (inhale) play hard? And by the way, Dustin, speaking of work,
let me introduce you to my latest video, entitled 'The Preacher's Wife.'"
The film consists of Venis in a bed, smoking a cigar (no Clinton joke this
week, maybe next week) - he's not alone - if you've already figured out
that MARLENA is under there with him, give yourself a gold star. Well,
that's not very Christian of them. Dustin falls to his knees in tears.
"I guess getting on your knees, Dustin, runs in the family!" This guy's a
FACE? Dustin prays - that should work. After all, Terri's got that whole
"Brian Pillman's bitch" wardrobe she never got to put to good use... (most
unfortunately, I might add)
Venis' angle is that he sleeps with other guy's wives?
Shot from Heat of Austin and Shamrock exchanging words but not fighting -
that fight'll be TONIGHT!
Steven Regal vignette - "A Man's Man" looks to be the theme of these
segments. Regal journeys to the great outdoors and chops down some trees
(presumably rendering many cute, fuzzy, adorable woodland creatures
homeless, that bastard).
RAW is brought to you by Snickers' Shock Zone (you smell MVP? Well, I
smell *something*), Squaresoft's "Parasite Eve", and WWF: The Music
HUNTER HEARST HELMSLEY (with Chyna and X-Pac) v. WHINY BITCH OWEN HART
(with Mizark Henry) for the WWF Intercontinental Title - Did I mention
that this week DX wear "Down where? Down HERE" T-shirts? Crowd chants
"Goldberg," but it sounds like "Nuh-git." Lockup, wristlock by Triple H.
Owen to his knees. Back up. Helmsley wrenches the arm. Hart with a flip
and a hiplock. Miss. Bodyslam by HHH, Hart with a kick, Helmsley with a
lariat for 2. Back to the wristlock. Fast and furious. Headlock, Owen
powers out but there's a shoulderblock, crisscross, belly-to-belly suplex
by Hart. Kneedrop by Hart. To the corner, whip hard to the oppostite
corner, Whip to the other corner. "Who's the nugget now?" Backbreaker by
Hart for 2. Tonight, Edge vs. Gangrel. Side sauto for 2 by Hart (Tony
Schiavone joke here). Headbutt by Hart, here's a suplex attempt blocked
into an inside cradle for 2. Famous Hart Ghetto blaster - 1, 2, no. Back
up, whip, reverse, Helmsley puts the head down, Hart neckbreaker. To the
second rope, Bret-like elbow drop for 2. Whip, sleeper! "Nugget" chant.
Helmsley picks him up and drops him on his back - both men down. Both men
up at the 3. Punches by Helmsley - whip, high knee. 1, 2, no. Head to
the turnbuckle, whip out, reverese but Helmsley springs out with a
clothesline. Whip, reverse, Hart's jaw hits Helmsley's knee and there's a
near fall for HHH. Hart's head meets the turnbuckle - whoops, there's
that trick knee again. Spinning heel kick following the low blow. Just
before the Sharpshooter, Henry is up to counter Chyna's presence on the
apron - before anything happens *there*, X-Pac jumps on Henry's back and
flails away, piggyback style. Of course, Hart is checking out this action
along with referee "Blind" Mike Chioda. Helmsley manages to take
advantage of the distractions and hits a pedigree! 1, 2, 3. (5:23) While
Helmsley tries to get women in the crowd to take off their shirts and show
us their tits, Henry and Hart meet Michael King Cole at the top of the
ramp. Henry challenges X-Pac to a match, and for an encore suggests he
add "mah girlfriend" Chyna to make it a Handicap match. How can they do
all this in an hour? No interviews, I guess...
Backstage, Mankind is assembling his weapons in a dumpster. (sponsored by
BFI - where they don't care if the garbage men go on strike, they'll hire
scabs and pay the fines for the extra accidents - oops, where did THAT
local political diatribe come from? Am I running for office or
Coming up, this, that, that, and here's some footage of Luna stripping
Sable - wow, good thing they're friends now! It'll be Jackie vs. Sable
DX "DOWN HERE!" T-shirt ad. Oh, NOW I get it. Hey, didn't they steal
that line from Scott Hall? Maybe he's too drunk to notice. (Note: Hall
isn't really drunk when he's pretending to be really drunk.)
MANKIND (with sledgehammer and ladder and TV-PG-V ratings box) v.
UNDERTAKER (with sledgehammer and Kane), once and for all - the dumpster
has made it's way to ringside before Mankind. He grabs a thick board and
strategically places it as we Take You Back To Earlier Tonight where
Mankind leveled Kane with the sledgehammer. Referee is Tim White and I
wouldn't want to be him even if this IS all fake. Let's take an ad break
before the second entrance!
WWF Bone Crunchin' Buddies ad. I can't bring myself to make a joke here.
If you think it's now the War Zone, you're right! Remember, laser
pointers are $9.99 and up at Fry's. White manages to get a hold of
Mankind's sledge - Mandible claw before Undertaker gets to use his.
Outside the ring we go. Oh my. Undertaker meets the dumpster (not Duke
Droese). Up the ramp, no Undertaker whipped into the dumpster. Ladder is
out. Uncertaker kicks and the ladder is dropped. Punches by Undertaker,
back down the ramp and to the barrier. Mankind's right arm against the
STEEL steps. Hand to the steps. Undertaker takes them apart, lays the
hand on top of one hald and slams the second half on top, sandwiching the
already-injured hand. And STILL Mankind is punching back. Undertaker
with a punch, now a right to the head. Another right. Wooden table (not
a board, sorry) propped up against the ringpost - Mankind whipped into the
table, which breaks. Karate chop to the throat, and another shot with
what's left of the table for good measure. Double feature of the whip
into the table. They're in the ring! Measured elbow to the mush by
Undertaker. We see Kane looking on. Undertaker measuring every punch and
all Mankind does is go down. Mankind to the apron - another punch and
he's outside. Undertaker follows. Elbow to the back of the head. Taken
back to the ring, Undertaker removes the mask and there's a hot shot-like
manoeuvre. Mankind again meets the dumpster as Undertaker kicks him
backwards. Both men on the outside, another meeting of the STEEL steps.
Sledgehammer shot by Undertaker! But it missed, I think. Mankind backs
up into Kane, who chokeslams him to the timekeeper's table. Another
sledgehammer shot misses, but demolishes the table. Mankind has a chair.
Back in the ring. Mankind with a chair to the gut! Chair across the
back! Bangbang! But Undertaker kicks the chair into Mankind's face.
There's a chokeslam. Chair - tombstone on the chair? OH SHIT!
Completely BRUTAL looking. Undertaker casts a wary eye to the
sledgehammer - picks it up - raises it - THE ROCK jumps out of the
dumpster and chopblocks Undertaker! After tossing Mankind to safety over
the barrier, the Rock walks away - Kane and the Undertaker, now each with
a sledgehammer, slowly follow... (no contest? 7:something) Now THAT'S
how you do a screwjob!
Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago - another shot of that great
piledriver on the chair. Better shot of the Rock getting out of the
GANGREL (with a burning ring o' fire and a goblet of Jell-O) v. EDGE (with
Trent Reznor - no, not really) - Edge leaps from the top rope and takes
down Gangrel to start. Big back bodydrop. Gangrel catches him and slams
him to counter an early Downward Spiral attempt. Gangrel sitting on
Edge's shoulders, faceslam. Belly-toback attempt, counter, countered
again, double-underhook slam by Gangrel. To the corner, repeat
double-underhook release for 2. Bulldog by Gangrel for 2. Bulldog -
nope, Gangrel placed on the top rope - neckbreaker, wow. Bodyslam by
Edge. Edge climbing the turnbuckles - plancha fails. Gangrel gets back
to business - DDT attempt countered - they trade blows. Back bodydrop
over the top rope by Edge - flying crossbody COMPLETELY misses and Edge
eats floor. Super-DDT by Gangrel on the floor - but the bell rings -
don't tell me it's a double countout (DCOR 3:36). Gangrel grabs his liquid
and says something about the blood of Gangrel flowing through his veins,
and eternity is forever - now they've lost me. Replay of the missed
Coming up tonight, everything you haven't seen yet. And let's hope they
don't censor that west coast tape delayed feed, 'cause there's a lot I
Stri-Dex brings you WWF Break Down!
X-PAC & CHYNA (with Triple H) v. MIZARK HENRY - Let Us Take You Back to
Earlier Tonight to explain why the Outlaws aren't around - it's all Jeff
Jarrett's fault. Reports are coming in that James has an unspecified
throat injury. Helmsley is doing a cro-magnon dance, which is supposed to
offend Henry - hey, that's racist! Get me Hard Work Bobby Walker! Chyna
wants to start, but referee "Blind" Jack Doane is encouraging X-Pac to
start - why? Lockup, Henry takes X-Pac and tosses him against the ropes
at the speed of light - X-Pac flips and flies. D'LO BROWN is now out.
Henry takes X-Pac to another corner as JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET and
SOUTHERN JUSTICE make their appearance for no reason. Apparently, all
these guys just wanna WATCH the match (uh-huh). X-Pac is throwing kicks
and punches at Henry to no effect. Suplex? No, he's too heavy. Chyna is
in - double suplex attempt doesn't work - second one DOES! Pinfall
attempt - X-Pac is POWERED off. To the corner, avalanche splash. Whip
into the ropes, duck, giant press slam and there's a lot of air between
there and the canvas. Clothesline attempt, duck, tag, shot to the face,
Chyna is in - Thesz press-alike! Punches, Henry shoves her off. Forearm
by Chyna. Tag to X-Pac. Spinning heel kick. Henry's in the wrong corner
- bronco buster! Tag to Chyna. D'Lo has Chyna's foot - X-Pac with the
baseball slide on Brown - Chyna's to the second turnbuckle - plancha?
Henry caught her! Big flip and it's a huge powerslam and she won't get
up. (3:54) But she's up now - and that glare has some daggers in it.
Spectacular replays of the powerslam counter and the QUICK flip by Chyna.
Coming up - that match, then this match! Backstage, we see Jacqueline
brushing her hair - does she REALLY have something on under that
nightgown? I guess it's strapless...
JACQUELINE (with Marvy Marc Mero) v. (THE LOVELY) SABLE in an Evening Gown
Match - Before Sable comes out...
The Pennzoil Rewind is the infamous Howard Finkel/Harvey Wippleman tuxedo
match from Monday Night RAW, from 1995 - Vince McMahon and Shawn Michaels
provide commentary - hey, look, the Hongi Kids! Well Dunn is not spotted.
Well, sometimes you have to leave the computer and just watch what
happens. I forgot to time this match, too. Sable won - I saw many
rasins, so I guess I won too. Then Sable took her own nightgown off so
the fans would cheer some more. Yes, friends, the REAL winners were the
FANS! Wow, I haven't been this excited since I had that wicked erotic
fantasy about licking beads of sweat off the neck of Monica Seles - I've
said too much.
Let Us Take You Back To Moments Ago - well, why the hell not. You know
what the best part of this was? *Neither woman spoke a word.*
A pair of kings - Michael King Cole interviews King Ken Shamrock. "No
disrespect, Steve, but you're looking at the calm before the storm. Let's
get it on." (Marvin Gaye joke here)
KING KEN SHAMROCK v. STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN for the WWF Championship - no
more ad breaks! This is the second title shot for the hometown hero (well,
ok, Sacramento is NEXT week, but I don't know if I'll be able to say it
then). Austin immediately strikes upon entering the ring. All punches -
now Shamrock is punching back - thumb to the eye by Austin. Leg attack by
Shamrock! Knockdown for 2. Into the headlock, Austin rolls for 2,
Shamrock rolls back. Repeat. "Austin" chant despite Shamrock's
popularity. Crowd is off the charts. Armbar by Shamrock, as he floats
over for the anklelock, Austin breaks free and steps outside for a bit.
Austin grabs Shamrock's legs and wraps one around a STEEL post. Back in
goes Austin, clothesline to the back of the head - shouldn't have turned
his back there! Vertical suplex by Austin for 1. Another vertical suplex.
1, kickout. THIRD vertical suplex by Austin, Shamrock rolls to the ropes,
Austin goes outside and catches his throat with a clothesline on one side
and the corner of the apron on the other. Back in, 1, 2, no. To the
headlock and a rest - whew! Shamrock's shoulders go down for 2 but he
rolls one up. Side headlock continues. 1 count. Referee is "Blind" Earl
Hebner. Standing up - no, Austin takes him over and continues to hold the
headlock. Up, Shamrock powers out, and gets knocked down. Austin runs the
ropes but eats a kick. Perfectplex by Shamrock for 2. Austin blocks a
rana attempt with a powerbomb! Austin to the second rope - elbow drop! 1,
2, no. Snapmare takeover for another near fall. Austin is back to the
headlock. Arm doesn't fall. Shamrock again gets to his feet. Punches to
the gut, hold broken, Shamrock runs into a knee in the gut and goes down.
Low blow? Maybe. Austin going for a Boston crab - Shamrock fighting it.
Leg whip by Shamrock and Austin goes down. Uppercut by Austin - sleeper is
applied! Shamrock shoves him away and applies a sleeper of his own.
Backed into the corner, now Austin gives headbutts to the gut. Shamrock
sat on top, now Austin climbs the ropes - what's next? Shamrock with a
headbutt! Still on the second rope - axehandle attempt missed with a right
to the gut. Crossbody by Shamrock for 2. Rake of the face by the Champ.
Shamrock counters with a kick, then some pounding away, another rake of the
face by Austin, snapmare into the headlock. Shamrock has blood on his
tongue (thank you, cameraman!). Again Shamrock rises and punches out of
the hold. Austin ducks and Shamrock kicks him. Austin manages to get
Shamrock to fly over the top rope, Austin follows. Whip, reverse, Austin
hits the STEEL steps. Shamrock is still on him - head to the timekeeper's
table (well, the corpse of it anyway). Austin comes back though,
piledriver attempt is reversed into a back bodydrop on the floor. Back in
the ring for both men and Shamrock is kicking away on a seated Austin -
choke for 4. Whip into the opposite corner - is Shamrock limping? Kick to
the mush by Austin. Headbutts to the gut. Whip into the corner but
Shamrock fires out. Suplex for 2. Right by Shamrock and Austin goes down.
Now Shamrock is going for the Boston crab - he's got it! Austin crawls to
the ropes - slowly - slowly - got it! Austin's trick knee acts up - a lot
of that going around. Now Austin is stomping a mudhole in Shamrock. Whip,
duck, double clothesline and both men are down! Cover - 1, 2, no. As they
trade punches, THE UNDERTAKER and KANE are out - dammit - (no contest?
about 12:00) Kane takes out Austin while Undertaker chokeslams Shamrock -
here's THE ROCK, here's MANKIND - here's VINCENT K. with a perplexed look
on his face. Austin's got a chair - Chairshot for the brothers! McMahon
quickly disappears behind the curtain as Austin looks - then walks - his
How can I complain? They GAVE me a good twelve minutes before the
inevitable screwjob. This show was LIGHT years better than the Saturday
ones, and by God, it should have been.
See you next week!