AWARDS NEWS: I received something like 489 ballots. Hopefully the results
will be posted to RSPWI (rec.sport.pro-wrestling.info) right around the
15th. Right now the odds of that happening are around 50%. We'll see.
THINGS WHICH WILL PISS OFF OTHER WEB WRITERS: No, no, not this week, I'm
too bogged down. Everybody gets a fee pass this week. Enjoy it...
One World Leader Attitude - WWF!
Clip montage in that trademark style shows Austin taking the shovel to
Undertaker, Mankind losing the Hardcore title in a ladder match with the
Big Bossman when the Rock interferes. Tonight, Steve Austin and Mankind
team up to face the Rock and the Undertaker! RAW is WAR is causing you
It's RAW is WAR coming to you from the Unnamed Arena in New Haven, CT
7.12.98 (but taped 1.12) and broadcast in almost real time on USA and TSN!
We're closed captioned, rated TV-PG-V and en espanol donde sea disponible.
Your hosts are Michael King Cole and Jerry King Lawler, who provide
commentary. They don't say why Jim Ross isn't around.
TRIPLE H, CHYNA, and X-PAC go to the ring as the commentators ask where
the Outlaws are - have they gone corporate? Hey, like, Chyna's showing
off her ass and stuff. Ha ha. "Let's get right down to business," starts
Helmsley, who calls out the Outlaws. If they've made a business decision
that's fine, but have the balls to come out and tell him to his face.
Fortunately for us, a separate entrance means that we get to hear that
wonderful music we love so much, as the NEW AGE OUTLAWS, bedecked in
suits, walk out, drinking their bottled water with pinkies aloft. James
asks them to cut the music so he can do the spiel...but there's a
difference. "Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages
... Vincent K. McMahon proudly brings to you HIS WWF tag team champions of
the woooooooorld... Road Dogg Esquire, Badd Ass Inc., the New Corporate
Outlaws!" "And if you're not Corporate, you can damn sure suck it." And
then they introduce COMMISSIONER SHAWN MICHAELS, who comes down to *his*
theme. Of course, Shawn is also nattily attired in a suit. "First of
all, Triple H, if you wanna talk about who does or who doesn't have balls
around here, let's start with you. Let's go back in time to the birth of
D-Generation X. I mean, let's face it, the Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels
is the founding father of D-Generation X. And as far as I'm concerned, I
think you at LEAST owe me an apology, for at least nothing else, for
gimmick infringement." Helmsley says he owes him nothing and the crowd
cheers (I guess). Michaels accuses Helmsley of riding his coattails for
virtually his whole career. He reminds him that he turned him into
somebody when he was nobody. Helmsley says HE was carrying MICHAELS' ass
"when you were walking around with a belt you didn't deserve to carry
anymore," then he reminds him that he picked up the ball after he dropped
it. Michaels says he had balls he doesn't even know about (huh?) and says
"I made you and I can break you." "...the only thing broken down around
here is your ego, little man." And HHH had two words for him, oh no.
Michaels says that he's got something HE can suck on - a match between
Helmsley and X-Pac against Big Bossman and Ken Shamrock tonight. For an
encore, Michaels deems it an Anything Goes match, and if the Outlaws
happen to get involved, so be it. Finally he asks for the sound guys to
"hit my music" and the DX theme plays. Crotch chops all around, and the
rest of TEAM CORPORATE is at the top of the ramp to welcome the Outlaws
and Michaels. Helmsley leads the crowd in saying "Suck it" one more time
but it looks like every title holder but Duane Gill is in the Corporation.
Boy, that Corporation is valuable - you might even say, it's....it's....a
MILLION DOLLAR CORPORATION!
Rock Bottom spot. It's SUNDAY! Austin/Undertaker is hyped. Buried Alive
WWF War Zone for the Nintendo ad.
X-Pac is taking out his disgust on some locker room furniture. Helmsley
says that he needs Chyna to watch their backs in their match if the
Outlaws or Michaels interferes. Chyna nods.
JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET (with Debra McLegs) v. OH YOU BETTA RECOGNISE
D'LO BROWN (with Mizark Henry) - Last night, Goldust challenged Jarrett to
a striptease match - I don't think ANYBODY wants to see Goldust naked -
but I don't know how many people want the mystery removed from Debra
McMichael either. Jarrett strikes first, knee to the gut and Brown flips,
nicely. Jarrett with punches and a whip into the corner, Brown comes out
with a lariat. Right hand. Second rope clothesline and Brown says "Oh,
hell yeah!" what an Austin ripoff that D'Lo is. Jarrett goes outside for
consolation, then drags out Brown while Debra ties up referee "Blind" Earl
Hebner. This backfires, as Henry goes over to help Brown regain control.
We're back in the ring and Brown is chopping away (woooo!) Cole tells us
that JR's Momma died two days ago, I offer my condolences and sincerely
hope it wasn't because she heard some naughty words on RAW or saw some
obscene body parts. Meanwhile, Jarrett has regained control and here's a
side Russian legsweep for 2. Whip into the ropes, reversal, head down,
Jarrett with the Sunset flip - nope, big punch from Brown. Jarrett hits a
groin kick wihle Hebner isn't looking. Brown's head meets the turnbuckle,
whip, Brown with a kick as Jarrett puts his head down. Oh man, the Sky Hi
folded Jarrett in half. But it took a lot out of D'Lo as both men are
down. Crowd chants "D'Lo sucks" forgetting he's a face now. Maybe
they're chanting "D'Lo Brown" and I'm mishearing it. As Brown does his
house on fire bit, GOLDUST is out in a trenchcoat - and anything else? He
flashed Debra! Whoops, Brown's got a schoolboy for the pin (2:24). I
guess Jarrett was distracted too...well, at least I didn't have to see
whatever Goldust was flashing - judicious camera angles are FANtastic.
Steve Austin bitches about something to Tony Garea - I think about Mankind
being his tag team partner tonight, I don't know.
George & Adam Need to Get The Hell Off My TV Screen - b&w freaky beatniks
hawking WWF: Attitude - oh, the smell of it. Nostalgia: years ago, Herb
Kunze called George & Adam "Rick & Chris" when they were doing that
"arriving at WrestleMania three months early and staying in their seats
the whole time" set of vignettes. I was the Chris, but I don't have ANY
idea who the "Rick" was.
Clips from Mr. McMahon's recent speech at Oxford this past Thursday.
RAW is WAR is brought to you tonight by 10-10-321, Norelco close shaves,
and Castrol GTX when you're drivin' hard.
HEAD BANGERS v. GANGREL & EDGE (with Christian) - the line is dropped that
the Head Bangers have "defrocked" the Insane Clown Posse, so I guess
they've been written out. Mosh and Gangrel start and Mosh gets the early
offense, back and forth, Gangrel with a underhook overhead slam. Tag to
Edge, double whip, Gangrel whips Edge into Mosh, Gangrel splashes Edge,
double DDT. Edge covers and Thrasher breaks it up. Double Feature
brought to you by Glover - these guys know their double team moves.
Thrasher pulls the top rope and Edge goes over. Edge's head meets the
STEEL steps while referee "Blind" Mike Chioda misses the action. Mosh
slams Edge, then climbs to the second rope, where Thrasher is waiting -
Thrasher slams Mosh on Edge! Gangrel breaks it up. Tag, double whip,
double flapjack. THIS is tag team wrestling! Whoops, here's LUNA to mess
with Thrasher. Here's TIGER ALI SINGH & BABU NAHASAPEEMAPETILAN for no
reason. Here's the rest of the ODDITIES. Can somebody explain to me
what's going on here? Luna and Babu are going at it...okay. Golga hits
the Earthquake on Mosh. Singh's fighting with...an Oddity? Oddities'
music plays - what happened again? (DQ 2:07)
Mankind is talking to a stack of chairs somewhere in the back.
And now the WWF Rewind, brought to you by Glober! Last week on the War
Zone, Kane and Austin put Paul Bearer in the sewer. Make your own
WWF/sewer joke here.
Backstage, we see Vince, flanked by Shane and Rock, talking to Paul Bearer
- "can the Undertaker function with the Rock?" as McMahon reminds Bearer
of all the things Austin did to him and the Undertaker.
WHINY BITCH OWEN HART v. GOLDUST - last night on Heat, Owen announced his
unretirement. He's back to his cool music with the "Enough is enough"
whining overdubbed on it - thumbs up. Owen will be fighting Steve
Blackman this Sunday, while Goldust takes on Jeff Jarrett is a Striptease
match (Goldust or Debra) - "Earlier Tonight" clip shows Goldust flashing
Debra - AGAIN. OK fine, stop showing me that. Cole speculates that near
100% of the folks at the GM Place will be rooting for Goldust, and he
could very well be right. Owen's first match since retiring, and Goldust
hits a hiptoss. Hart does a lot of shouting to fans who still think he's
the Blue Blazer (because they're stupid). A brief bit of mat wrestling
breaks out which I can't be bothered to transcribe (ha!) Clean break and
we're all back up and Hart is again running his mouth to the fans.
Lockup, Hart goes behind, back elbow by Goldust, back and forth we go,
spinning heel kick by Hart! To the corner, Hart kicks away, right hand,
kick, whip out to the opposite corner. Cole says he doesn't see THAT much
ring rust. Overhead suplex for 2. Goldust comes back with chops to the
throat. Owen returns with headbutts and elbows. Bodyslam. Sharpshooter?
Goldust kicks away and there's a cradle for 2. Hart with the enziguiri!
1, 2, kickout that probably was too late. Shame on referee "Blind" Jack
Doane! Hart with chops (woooo!), Goldust reverses and chops (woooo!) -
whip to the opposite corner, Hart steps asside and Goldust hits hard.
Neckbreaker by Hart, second rope elbow, 1, 2, no. "Nugget" chant. Whip,
reverse, clothesline by Goldust as Hart comes out. Hart dropped - some
move involving Goldust's butt. Bulldog by Goldust...DEBRA McLEGS and
JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET are out - *Debra* flashed Goldust (DAMN those
judicious camera angles!) and although Goldust is distracted, Hart must
also have been distracted because Goldust hits the inside cradle for the
pin. (4:20) Lawler is apoplectic: "They were PINK!"
Split screen shows Austin and Mankind - later tonight they'll team up to
take on the Rock and the Undertaker, in case you've forgotten in the past
Michael King Cole stands in front of Big Ben instead of a door - they must
be in England! D'Lo Brown reminds us - and anybody who'll listen - that
he's European. Al Snow appears, I think I hear Dok Hendrix' voice. Clips
of Capital Carnage (no wrestling, of course), lots of Limey fans, and lots
of...oh who cares.
GODFATHER & VAL VENIS (with four - errr, two ho's) v. ACOLYTES (with
Jackyl) - before the second entrance, Venis and Godfather have a "who can
suck more on the mic" contest. Godfather says he'll offer a ho to
somebody in the audience. Godfather picks the guy holding out money.
That guy looks familiar...but I won't make that joke. He says his name is
"Bob." No...I won't make THAT joke. Godfather gives Bob BOTH ho's for
the whole night. And they say the Spirit of Christmas is dead. Bob will
probably be found later tonight in a dead heap on the floor. Faarooq and
Bradshaw come out to the Interrogator's old theme, thumbs up. It's a Pier
Four brawl all the way, inside, outside, hitting the STEEL, punching,
kicking, whipping, referee "Blind" Tim White decides this match will never
get properly started and calls for the bell. (about :48) Jackyl looks on
... and likes what he sees. So do I. We need more Jackyl. And Faarooq
looks in the best shape of his life (well, of his WWF career anyway)
Backstage, we see Steve Austin ... WALKING. Man, that's exciting! But
WHERE is he walking? WHAT will he do after he's done walking? Find out
after this short break!
And now JVCkaboom!box presents the JVC Kaboom! of the week! From last
week's RAW, Austin hits a ping shovel shot of his own on the Undertaker,
getting a little revenge for the shot Undertaker gave HIM.
I hear glass, must be time for an ass. It's STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN come
out to say the same damn thing he's been saying for the past eight months
or so. The TV-PG-V box is out which must make this the War Zone.
Apparently, they had to import a lot of dirt from the US because
Vancouver's fresh out and they need dirt to have a Buried Alive match.
Big ol' "Austin" chant. "For the last few months, here in the World
Wrestling Federation, with the title or without, Vince McMahon has seen
fit to throw everything that he can at Stone Cold Steve Austin and somehow
I've always managed to scrape by. That's all fine and well, but six days
from now at Rock Bottom in a Buried Alive match, in my opion, the stakes
are stacked higher than they've ever been for Stone Cold Steve Austin.
Undertaker, you come out here, talk about sacrificing me, about wanting my
soul, you hit me in the head with a shovel, you tried to bury me, tou
tried to embalm me and none of that worked...in the Ministry of Stone Cold
Steve Austin, at Rock Bottom, you can bet your ass that you can expect no
mercy from Stone Cold Steve Austin..." The familiar music plays, and the
purple lights are on - Undertaker's theme plays as the lights show a large
wooden - THING - which is at the top of the ramp. We don't see him but we
hear the voice: "Austin, we've traveled down the highway to hell, and the
journey has enlightened us on a few matters. One, you're helpless against
my Ministry, and the other is that I can take your rotting soul any time I
wish. Tonight our journey stops in your purgatory where you will remain
until Rock Bottom, and on that night, boy, I will sacrifice you to the
Ministry of Darkness and let the entire world watch you get buried alive
and burn in hell" - and the THING that we've seen bursts into flames -
pretty cool lookin'. Apparently, that's the Undertaker's symbol - well,
okay. Looks like a T with an X superimposed on it. What's that, you want
to see it? Well, because you're too lazy to go find it on wwf.com, here