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Raw is War
April 26, 1999
LIVE from the Hartford Civic Center

Hour 1Hour 2Hour 3Composite
5.846.136.00

Christopher Robin Zimmerman
Written by: Christopher Robin Zimmerman

A black screen - white text scrolling

"Earlier today, the World Wrestling Federation received a request from the parents of Mathew Kechter to join them tonight in remembering their son, his friends and classmates who lost their lives in the senseless tragedy at Columbine High School.

"The WWF joins parents, teachers and community leaders in recognizing the importance of banding together to meet the needs of troubled teens. Violence is never an answer. Through communication we will hopefully find a solution.

"In memory of all who lost their lives we ask everyone to join us in a moment of silence."

One World Leader Attitude - WWF!

These still shots are rated TV-14-DLV! Hey, look, Shane won't count three for Austin! He's not a man of his word! Hey, look, Vince is out! He just decked his son! Hey look, Earl Hebner just counted 3 following a Stunner to give Stone Cold the victory! Hey, look, Vince just gave Austin his belt back! Hey, look, the Undertaker is abducting Stephanie McMahon in a limo shot that still has Scaia fuming!

And now, live, we see the Three Musketeers stepping out of their arriving limo. Vince looks - pretty down.

Opening credits - RAW IS WAR'S A CORN PONE PIE!

FIREWORKS welcome everyone to Hartford, CT and the sold out Hartford Civic Center! This is RAW IS WAR, this is closed captioned, and this is en espanol donde sea disponible, and most of all, this is ALL THE WAY LIVE 26.4.99. Your hosts are Jim Ross and James E. Cornette - that Cornette guy sure looks familiar...

THE ROCK walks to the ring to open up tonight's cavalcade of interviews as Ross expresses his great concern for the McMahon family - as Stephanie hasn't been seen since last night (what, did that CAMERA IN THE LIMO suddenly stop working? Ha ha!) "It's been a long time, but finally, the Electrifying One has come back to Hartford!" Sucking up to the locals? "Now last night..." Is that a "Rocky" chant? "Last night, Backlash. The Rock - Stone Cold - the Rock did exactly what he said he was gonna do, and that's whup his candyass all over the damn arena! Stone Cold, the Rock is gonna have to give credit where credit is due, so for the first time, Stone Cold listen up, the Rock says - then again Stone Cold, the Rock says you are, and will forever be the biggest piece of Texas trailer park trash walkin' God's green earth!" Don't you just LOVE how he teases acting like a face? No? Oh well then. Crowd chants "Austin" and Rock smells it. Rock refers to himself as the People's Champ and the crowd gives a mixed reaction. Rock turns his attention to a "200 pound steaming piece of monkey crap," Shane McMahon. The Rock told him not to get involved in his match last night, as he didn't need the help to whup Stone Cold's ass. "But true to the McMahon word, you--" and he's cut off by "No Chance in Hell," my FAVOURITE SONG ON EARTH, as SKIPPY leads THE CORPORATION to the ring. "Monkey crap, Rock? Are you..." and the "asshole" chant is merrily chanted. "I practically HANDED you the World Wrestling Federation championship last night on a silver platter, but no - the Rock has to let the Corporation down. The Rock has to entertain his millions and the millions of the Rock's fans. You have to get on the People's Headset, and then Rock, what do you do? This is a first - you get on the People's Camera - Rock, what happened there? Stunner - boom - uh uh. Rock, what you should have done is rolled Steve Austin in here, and you could be standing in front of me the World Wrestling Federation Champion, but instead you stand before me as a loser. Rock, it is YOU who is the big piece of monkey crap." Rock slowly removes his glasses. "Monkey crap? Shane, the Rock says that this Brahma bull is gonna take his sharp horns, turn them sideways, and stick them straight up your candy ass!" "I think the Brahma bull is full of B.S. And Rock, I tell you one thing right now, you better take your Attitude out of my face, if you smell what the boss is cooking." Shane makes another one of those cool snarly faces. Rock calls him a jabrone and threatens to lay some smack down. This staredown can't last forever, and it's Triple H who tries to get between them - Rock levels him with a right. Chyna responds with a right. Rock pastes HER with a right. So Bossman gives him a shot with the nightstick. Shane tries to get everybody off him, then he gives the Rock a kick of his own, then another. Now he's mounted him and is choking away with Bossman's nightstick. Triple H and Bossman put the boots to Rock while Test hangs off in a corner and does nothin'. Shane fires the Rock, and the Corporation walks off. But they left the mic in the ring ... "Shane, Shane! The Rock says if you don't have enough sugar in that sack of testicles then tonight you will come down and face the Great One one on one and make your monkey ass famous!" "You want me, Rock, you got it, tonight! Me and you!" SHANE'S AN IDIOT! Oh well. Let's hope that isn't our main event tonight...

Coming up tonight, Triple H takes on Billy Gunn! By Shane's order, Big Show and Mankind against Big Bossman and Test! And tonight - will we find out where exactly Stephanie McMahon is?

Backstage, we see Vince and his Yes Men. Pat: "You know Vince, I think you should call the cops." "No! We re not gonna call the cops! We're gonna do it his way. I've brought everything he asked me to bring. I've got all the papers, they're signed in the briefcase, I'll give them do him. I just want Stephanie back. No cops." Gerry: "Vince, how are you gonna trust him? How are you gonna trust this man?" "I don't know that I can - but I guess I don't have an alternative now, do I. But if that sonuvabitch in any way has harmed Stephanie..." Gerry: "Vince it'll be okay - it'll be okay."

Oh for the love of Pete.

Missed Backlash? Maybe you slept through the last hour, like I did! Well, you're in luck! The Encore presentation is TUESDAY!

Austin and Brown shill 1-800-COLLECT.

Happy Hour is NEXT!

The Three Musketeers await the Call, and Vince - EMOTES.

In another backstage locker room, the Corporation is considerably more happy - pumping up Shane for his upcoming match.

RAW is WAR is brought to you tonight by Chef Boyardee Overstuffed Ravioli, Castrol Motor Oily, and Western Union money transfers!

X-PAC & THROUGH HELLFIRE & BRIMSTONE IT'S KANE v. EDGE & GANGREL (with Christian and a burning ring o' far) in a nontitle match - this Thursday, of course, that big tag team title match will take place on SMACKDOWN! on UPN - check your local listings and stuff. The challengers will be the New Age Outlaws, yup, by vitrue of their win last night at Backlash. Edge still wears his trenchcoat, if you're sick enough to worry about stuff like that. X-Pac starts so that the Brood can get some offense in, but once Kane is tagged, there seems to be little problem taking care of business from the Champs' side. Even when Christian tries to get involved, it's no problem for the mighty Big Red Machine. This is as good as a squash, which must mean THIS MATCH IS THE PRETZELS! X-Pac hits a spinning heel kick to the big of the head of Edge, who lurches into a chokeslam for the pin. (2:35) Following the match, the lights go out - oh boy. The Brood tripleteams Kane on the outside while X-Pac - stands on the apron? Maybe we aren't supposed to be seeing him do nothing...anyway, when the lights come back up, Kane's gotten the old bloodbath treatment. Seeing only his tag team partner in front of him, Kane puts 2 and 2 together and picks up X-Pac in a choke, then drops him on the other side of the barricade.

Here's a shot of the Rock.

Here's a shot of the Three Musketeers. The phone rings - and we quickly zoom in on Vince. Then we quickly cut to an ad break before I can roll my eyes - oops, not quick enough, guys!

Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago as during the break, Vince got the call (thanks to the magic phone that allows the audience to hear it over the air) "Vince - you know who this is." "I know who this is - just tell me - how's Stephanie?" "She's fine, Vince - in fact, she's real fine. Now you know what I've got, and you know what I want." "Listen, I brought everything, just like you said. You've got controlling interest, you've got it signed, sealed, now I want Stephanie back, and I want her back now." "Oh you've planned ahead - I like that. Once I get those documents, Stephanie will be returned to you unharmed. But if you slip up just once, you'll never see your precious little girl again." "If you so much as harm a hair on her head, so help me, you son of a bitch-" "Now Vince, is that any way to talk to your daughter's soulmate? You just get me those documents. Deliver them at 10pm, sharp - by the loading dock in the Grand Chalet hotel parking lot garage. Oh, and there's one more thing. I don't want you to deliver them. Vince, I want Steve Austin to bring them to me - alone." "What? I can't ask Austin to do that." "Hey that's your problem. Vince - your problem, not mine." "Hello? Hello? Son of a bitch..."

I hear glass, must be time for the ass - STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN walks to the ring for an interview by MICHAEL KING COLE. Ross and Cornette act like they've seen the bit we've just seen - something that a certain OTHER set of commentators may wish to learn from, hint hint. Cole asks one question, and Austin promptly relieves him of the microphone and allows him to take his leave. Austin swears and does his Forrest Gump impersonation. Before he can get too far, VINCENT K. walks to the ring. "I don't mean to interrupt, but - I guess maybe I do. This is not easy for me, but, what I'm trying to say - make a long story short - I need your help...I need your help - the Undertaker has my daughter Stephanie, I need your help...well, this isn't - it's not anything personal, I know that you don't like me and I know that you never will, and the feeling is somewhat mutual, but it's not about you and me - this is personal and it involves my daughter Stephanie, and Steve, you can help me." Vince gulps (tm). "With all due respect to you and your little daughter, hell son I got a million problems on my own - so as far as I'm concerned, I don't give a rat's ass about your problems." "But Steve, the Undertaker's made - he's made some demands. He's asked for some documentation, and that's all right with me, I don't care about the documentation. But he's made other demands. He's demanded that instead of me delivering the documentation to him, he's demanded that you deliver that documentation and if you do that, I really believe that everything will be fine with my daughter Stephanie. And I think you can understand my point of view as a father." "What you're saying is - what you're saying is Vince McMahon needs Stone Cold Steve Austin, that's what you're saying! So if that's true, if that is true that Vince McMahon needs Stone Cold Steve Austin - then that's what I want you to say to me. Say to me, 'Vince McMahon needs Stone Cold Steve Austin.'" "Vince McMahon needs Stone Cold Steve Austin." Crowd pops. "That all sounds real good Vince, but hell, you must think that I have a real horrible memory, because the last fifteen months every single night I come to work you see fit to ... make my life a living hell and I will give you credit, you've done one hell of a job! Stone Cold Steve Austin never forgets one single thing that happens right here in the World Wrestling Federation, so, since Vince McMahon needs Stone Cold Steve Austin, I'll say this. By the same token, Stone Cold Steve Austin needs Vince McMahon - to kiss his ass. And that's the bottom line...'cause Stone Cold said so!" The music plays - and Vince walks off with a heavy heart.

The WWF Rewind is brought to you by 1-800-COLLECT! From last night's Backlash - the Rock takes a camera and - I don't know, did you think that spot was REALLY cool or just plain lame? I bet your answer reflects your opinion of Halftime Heat, too...

WWF SMACKDOWN comes THIS Thursday at 8/7!

"Vince, what are you gonna do?" "What else can I do? I'll deliver it myself?" "Don't you think we should go with you?" "No." "Be careful, Vince."

VAL VENIS v. D'LO BROWN (with Ivory and that fucking scarf) - Let Us Take you back to last night's Heat where Nicole Bass said "I want your slide trombone in my brass section" and ... well I know there's a joke here but for some reason it's escaping me. Before Val can tell us his dick's really big, D'Lo's music cuts him off and he rushes the ring. Venis takes the advantage. After a whip is reversed, Val puts up an elbow to remain in control. There's a spinebuster. There's the gyrating arm wringer. Clothesline. Off the ropes, D'Lo ducks and hits a high kick. Standing legdrop. "You suck!" Right hand, right from Val, more rights from Val. Off the ropes again, big back body drop from Venis. Scoop - and a slam. Elbowdrop. Val to the top rope - but Brown is up - there's the CROTCHSHOT! D'Lo to the second rope - SUPERPLEX! 1, 2, no. Brown with a right. Off the ropes - Venis up and over - to the ropes - rollup - 1, 2, no. Off the ropes again, Brown's head down. Venis with the whip, holding on, knee, repeat, side Russian legsweep, big grind (RIP Rick Rude) and NICOLE BASS is out. Venis is distracted long enough for Brown to get up, but Venis reverses the whip and hits a back elbow off the ropes. Bass: "You OWE me!" Venis stops to argue - allowing Brown to push him off the ropes and catch him with the Sky-Hi for the pinfall (3:20) Bass comes in and stands over Venis, then touches herself (er). Ivory gets in the ring and climbs on and applies the choke. Bass wriggles a bit, then throws her over her shoulder. Venis makes his timely escape as we get WAY too close to Bass' smiling face for my comfort.

Backstage, Austin is WALKING! There's the Big Show! "What the hell are you looking at?" "Hey man, it's the guy's DAUGHTER." "I don't give a rat's ass WHO it is!" Anybody else wonder if maybe - just MAYBE...

D'Lo and Steve shill 1-800-COLLECT. I hope I see this two times NEXT hour, too!

Michael King Cole talks to Billy Gunn while Road Dogg looks on. Tonight, Mr. Ass will remind Mr. H where he came from - and unlike X-Pac, he's not gonna fail. That was kinda weird...

TRIPLE H (with That Slut Chyna) v. BADD ASS BILLY GUNN - Let Us Take You Back to Earlier Tonight where Triple H tried to get in the cheap shot on the Rock, and Chyna succeeding to get in a cheap shot. Not only does H have new music, but so does Gunn - "I'm an Ass man / Yes I'm an Ass man / It's a big, big show" - you get the feeling they needed to whip up some tunes for an upcoming CD release? Gunn rushes the ring but H is quickly on him. Head to the buckle and again. Back to the punches, here's some kicks. Gunn punches back, whip is reversed, leapfrog, high dropkick from Gunn. Right hand, right, kick, kick, kick, crotch chops aplenty, H finally manages an eyepoke - knocks him down. Off the ropes, over, under, H catches him and throws him awkwardly by the knee. Gunn sells it enough to let you know it's part of the story. H goes outside the ring and wraps the knee around the STEEL post a couple times, then comes back in and clips him. Knee driven to the mat. Commentators say that just like last night, where Triple H focused on a damaged body part - X-Pac's neck - so too tonight is he after the knee of Billy Gunn. God KNOWS why they feel the need to advance THIS kind of story as all the workrate fanatics gave up on this show a year ago! (rimshot) Anyway, Triple H is working that knee - he's working that knee. Whee. Tonight after RAW, please check out the Home Shopping Network for exclusive WWF merchandise! (Of course by now, you've already missed it, sorry.) H stomping on the knee. This match is the longest one of the night so far, not that that makes it any better - Gunn tries a brief flurry but he's met with the gourdbuster and now he's putting on a figure four? Triple H knows the figure four? Why does Ross keep calling him "Mister Ass?" Is this guy losing HIS name as well? Strangely though, both commentators keep calling Triple H "Helmsley." Referee "Blind" Earl Hebner notices H using the ropes and calls for a break - and finally gets it at 4. Head to the buckle. Gunn manages a double leg takedown, then catapults him to the turnbuckle. Right, right, off the ropes, powerslam. Cover - 1, 2, no. Cornette: "I can't believe how many times I've said 'ass' on TV!" Fine, I'M gonna start calling him Helmsley again too. Helmsley to the outside, Gunn follows, Chyna distracts, it doesn't work as Gunn floors Helmsley with a punch, but when he turns back around, Chyna's taken him to the STEEL post. Now ROAD DOGG is out. I would give Ross REAL MONEY to say "Billy Gunn" just ONE time instead of "Mister Ass." Anyway, while Road Dogg and Chyna have a confrontation on the outside, Triple H gets him in the Pedigree and there's the pinfall. (6:45)

Backstage, Shane sends off Bossman and Test - but not before stopping Bossman and whispering something in his ear. Then he turns to the Mean Street Posse...

Mankind is MMMMM.....BEEFY!

Happy Hour is NEXT!

By my watch, it's a good five minutes after 10! What happened with Vince and Undertaker?

X-Pac, kinda angry, looks around backstage for Kane.

1-800-COLLECT brings you WWF OVER THE EDGE! Sometime next month

MANKIND (with RAW credits and TV-14-DLV ratings box) & WELL, IT'S THE BIG SHOW v. BIG BOSSMAN (no relation) & TEST - Let Us Take You Back to Last Night and some exciting still shots of that exciting Boiler Room brawl from Backlash. Mankind's hand is taped up, Big Show is sporting a nice band-aid on his forehead. Let Us Take You Back to last night's Heat where we see that the Corporate team ain't getting along all too well and stuff. Bossman and Test argue a bit over who will start - it ends up Test and Mankind - guess who gets the better of THIS exchange. That's right, it's all Mankind - nice legdrop to the back of his head. Tag to Bossman, who has better luck with Mankind, punches, whip, Mankind puts the boot up and hits a clothesline for 2. Bossman with a kick, runs him into Test's boot. Tag. Test promptly loses the advantage and Mankind takes him out. Test reaches for the tag and Bossman turns his back and admires some fan signage. Whip off the ropes, reversal, dropdown, Bossman gives Mankind a shot and Test's big boot takes him down. Bossman makes the tag on his own just to confuse us. Here's the Bossman straddle across the second rope. Bossman deposits Mankind in his corner, where Test applies the cheapshots and Bossman distracts referee "Blind" Mike Chioda. "Scintillating" right hands by Bossman. Now Mankind's punching back, now Bossman hits a throat shot and some more of that general pounding. Whip into the opposite corner, reversed, but their heads collide as Bossman backs out. Both men slow to get up - both partners awaiting a tag. Tag to Big Show, right hand on Bossman, headbutt, big boot. Bossman staggers over and tags Test. Test is less than enthralled with this prospect, so Big Show brings him in with an armdrag over the top rope. Big Show signals, but Bossman comes in to hit a Golotta. Double clothesline is ducked, Big Show hits a double clothesline of his own - he signals again - Bossman AGAIN pushes Test into Big Show - but this time, he dumps Test off to Mankind, who hits the double underhook DDT, while Big Show stalks the Bossman. Mankind brings out the sock (ugh, that better NOT be blood - that's kinda unhealthy) and Test loses consciousness (ref stop 4:38) Bossman has some unkind words for his partner, and Test takes him down with a right. Test goes to leave, but there's a nightstick from behind. And there's another one. "He's got to learn to live and learn!" Huh? Well anyway.

Vince stands around with his briefcase. Hmm, fifteen minutes late, and he's got a camera on him.

Stone Cold walks by a monitor, sees Vince standing there (hey! Wrestlers aren't supposed to WATCH TELEVISION!) and walks off, spittin' tebacky juice in his cup.

Here's a Special Look at Stone Cold Steve Austin - the Rattlesnake! And, hell yeah, you can buy this special "rattlesnake" shit for only $25 plus shipping and handling...

Whoops, I just realised I mistyped "shirt" up there. Sorry. Makes it a lot funnier, though!

X-Pac's still looking for Kane...

In another part of the backstage area, Bob Holly is taking out Al Snow with a pole, and the "cyclone fence and oildrum" set. Then he steals Head and promises not to give it back until he gets another Hardcore title shot. Which is a little strange, since we all know that *Head* is the Hardcore champion...oops, I've given away too much...

That was the WHOLE segment? What is this, WCW?

Happy Hour is ... yeah.

There's the Cleavage house! And there's...Mosh...and there's... "Does Mother's little hairy beaver want some of Mother's milk?" And it's in black and white and there's some sitcom laughter and boy it sucks. Oops, another snap judgement!

Rock paces around some more.

JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET (with De-bra) v. GODFATHER (with ten - no, five ho's) for the Intercontinental championship - oh wait, no it's not - I guess it's funny AND sad that Godfather gets booed when he comes out by himself, then cheered when the ho's show up. If there was any justice in this world - wait a minute, why does Ross say it's nontitle even after we get that graphic up on the screen? Oh well. Ross reiterates that it's nontitle. Godfather takes the mic and does that thing he always does. Jarrett takes the mic in return and says that nontitle matches piss him off. "Well Huggy Bear, you say you're all that, and pimpin' ain't easy? Well, defending that title ain't easy eithyer! (oops) Tonight, let's find out how you're HUNG! Put the title up for grabs!" "You know what, chump? If you want a shot at the title, that's fine with me. But - but, if I win, then Debra there has got to come aboard the Ho Train and become one of the Godfather's FINEST ho's!" Well now it IS a title match, so I guess it's okay that the graphic appeared there. Jarrett attacks before the bell, natch, but Godfather quickly comes back as Ross tells us (not in so many words) that it's all just a character and stop taking it so seriously, you knuckleheads. Back and forth we go, now Jarrett does that armbar takedown thingy. Bossman straddle. FARGO STRUT! Off the ropes, nice dropkick. VAL VENIS is out to ogle Debra. Off the ropes, reversal, Jarrett catches him in a DDT, and now notices Benis on the outside. Now NICOLE BASS is out, which means Val's on his way out. While all this is happening, we miss Godfather pinning Jarrett with a schoolboy (1:41). Before Debra can happily submit to her new job title, OWEN NUH-GIT is out to whisk Debra away and make the fans unhappy. Godfather is unhappy for about half a second until he realises he's still got five women in the ring with him, and Ross reminds us that gosh, he's just a real fun lovin' guy, that Godfather.

Another shot of Vince standing alone at the loading dock.

Austin/Brown for 1-800-COLLECT #3.

Hey lookee here, it's PMS and their new love slave. Why is Sexual Chocolate's theme playing in the background? What's his name anyway? Who cares?

ACOLYTE BRADSHAW v. KING KEN SHAMROCK - Let Us Take You Back to Some Stills from Backlash where Undertaker managed to defeat Ken Shamrock with a little help from this guy here, oh and a baseball bat. Which sorta explains this here match tonight. Shamrock is carrying the bat to the ring with him - oh wait, here's ACOLYTE FAAROOQ attacking from behind and the doubleteam is on with a vengence. Too bad poor Shamrock has no friends - oh, wait! There's TEST! Looks like Shamrock and Test are enough for both Acolytes - Shamrock goes outside and wreaks some havoc with the bat. Then he goes back in the ring, looks at Test, is that the Sting bat test? (No contest)

We don't know, 'cause we're busy watching Shane - WALKING!

Happy Hour is NUH!

Stone Cold Steve Austin, the Big Show, and the Rock in an all-new prime time special! WWF SMACKDOWN is THURSDAY!

SKIPPY v. THE ROCK - Let Us Take You Back to Earlier Tonight Where Shane Does That Thing to The Rock With His Loafers - Shane's wearing a Rock jersey complete with pasted C's to signify that he's actually the Crock. Rock ducks and strikes. Head to the turnbuckle, whip to the opposite turnbuckle, clothesline, head to the buckle, kick, kick, kick, RODNEY & PETE "GAS" are in and Rock is having little trouble with them. Rock Bottom for Rodney. Another knockdown for Shane. There's another uranage, this one for Shane. Can you smell a People's Elbow? Oh, no, TRIPLE H is out and knocking Rock down from behind. THAT SLUT CHYNA makes her way down the ramp and you think that referee "Blind" Earl Hebner would have called for the bell by now, but no. Chyna hits from behind to stop the Rock's dominance over Helmsley. Pedigree from Triple H. Chyna with an attack of her own. Two more refs come out but Shane has the Mean Street Posse hold them back while Shane holds back another. Helmsley and Chyna continue to do fun things to the Rock. Say, doesn't the Rock have any friends to help HIM out? Apparently not. Shane raises Helmsley's hand and "No Chance in Hell" plays again...no bell. I hate when that happens (No contest - under 3:00)

Vince again nervously paces, from wherever he is.

Here's another shot, where we can hear the screams of the lovely Stephanie - and now we see her, as the Acolytes drag her out - Undertaker and Paul Bearer are laughing a lot. Bearer holds a copy of "Some homemade other-worldly language title here" and everybody walks by as Ross says "They're coming out here!"

Backlash Encore ad #2.

Austin/Brown for 1-800-COLLECT #4. Whew, glad I don't have to see THAT the rest of the night. Oh wait, this isn't on Nitro is it? Ha!

The USA Update is fifteen minutes early this week! How odd!

X-PAC comes out one more time. He waves off the pyro and cuts the music. "Kane - I been lookin' all over this building for you, man - I don't know what your problem is, but you're either with me or you're against me. Get your Big Red Ass out here, and we're gonna find this out right now!" Before that happens, JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET & OWEN NUH-GIT are out and on the attack. After a bit of this, the lights go out and that familiar music plays - ummm, you'd think he'd move a BIT faster to help out his tag team partner here. Ross gets to remind us that THROUGH HELLFIRE & BRIMSTONE IT'S KANE and he has little problem dispatching with Jarrett & Hart - sigh. Still wearing the red paint, by the way. X-Pac gives a shove to Kane, and gets chokeslammed for his troubles. Before leaving, Kane turns back - well, now he's rolling him out of the ring. Now he's draped him over his shoulder and is carrying him back - awwwww. Ross tries to get the story over but...well, if he has to try THAT hard, perhaps...eh what do I know.

The lights go out one more time - ten minutes left in the show so I guess this is our main event. Doesn't THIS Undertaker theme sound just like that previous Undertaker theme, only slowed down by 30%? VISCERA, MIDIAN & THE ACOLYTES walk out, toting a symbol to which STEPHANIE McMAHON has been lashed. Ross tells us how heinous the Undertaker is and how he can't possibly be an Undertaker fan anymore (and how come YOU are? You callous, heartless fan for disbelieving what we ask of you!). You know, Stephanie looks kinda cute in that prom dress and bondage getup - ohh I'm sorry. The symbol is propped up against the top rope. UNDERTAKER and PAUL BEARER make their entrance into the ring. Undertaker gets the mic. I'm in real fear this will soundly suck, let's all listen together. "Before the ceremony begins, I must address the McMahon family. I am not to blame for what is about to happen here! Vince, this rests upon your shoulders, because you did not live up to your end of the agreement, and Steve Austin - well, I guess he just showed his true colours as well. Paul, let the ceremony begin." Stephanie screams while the fans chant "Austin." If it matters, the book's title is "Ministerium et Acerbus" which until I'm told otherwise (and I hope you can restrain yourslef) is "Ministry of Darkness" in one of the languages I don't speak. "Dearly and beloved, we gather here this evening to join Stephanie Marie McMahon in the unholy wedlock with the Lord of Darkness. Tonight, Stephanie Marie McMahon will step from the light on this evil cesspool, moral world - into the sanctuary of eternal darkness. Keeping this in mind, will you, Stephanie Marie McMahon, accept the purity of evil and take the Lord of Darkness as your Master and your spouse?" She says no a lot, go figure. KING KEN SHAMROCK is in but the Acolytes grab him and Viscera delivers the splash. Backstage, we see the Corporation would like to go for it, but Shane holds them back. "If he gets back, we'll make our move, but not until then." Meanwhile, Paul continues: "...to accept Stephanie Marie McMahon - her body, her mind, her soul, and even her breath, unto yourself, and allow her to bear your offspring?" Undertaker says something that ain't English but apparently means "Yes." WELL IT'S A BIG SHOW is out and making his way through the Ministry - that is, until he reaches the Undertaker, who has appropriated Shamrock's leftover bat and takes a mighty whack. "By the power vested in me by the Lord of Darkness, I now pronounce you as the Unholy Union of Darkness. You may now kiss your bride." But I hear breaking glass - it's STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN - aww, I guess he does have a heart after all. Austin fights through the Ministry while Undertaker beats a retreat - Stephanie and the symbol sway to and fro while the top rope moves. Austin unties Stephanie, who clamps on in a big hug. Aww, Stone Cold doesn't wanna hug back but look at the big lug. VINCENT K. finally shows up and there's the tearful reunion between father and daughter - Austin looks on - did he and Vince share a glance?

And is it WRESTLING, anyway?

Does it even matter anymore?

6 or 7 matches, about 22 minutes.

See you Thursday...I hear there may even be a match!

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