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July 12, 2001

Pat: Tired? Bored? In need of excitement? If these links won't do the trick, do the world a favour and pretend that they do!

Bonsai Kitten:
"Dedicated to preserving the long lost art of body modification in housepets." Let's face it, the only thing funnier than the idea of torturing cats is torturing 'cat lovers' with the idea of torturing cats. I like cats, more or less. I absolutely despite cat lovers. (Thanks to Tim McBride, aka John Winston, for this one.)

Fat Chicks in Party Hats:
Yeah, yeah, it's kind of cruel, but really, what's funnier than a guy who can barely speak English trolling the web for pictures of fat people, putting party hats on them, and then laughing at the people as they send angry e-mails? There's a kind of lunatic performance art brilliance to the whole thing, especially if this Miguel guy is as stupid as he pretends to be. Check out the 'Hate Mail' section for an especially surreal experience.

Hyakugojyuuichi:
Holy shit. That's all I can say here. Holy shit. (Blame Eric Lippert for this one.)

Jesus Dress-Up:
The name says it all. (Thanks to Richard Purves, and yes that's his real name.)

Robot Girls:
Oh god, I think this is the future of... something. Porn, maybe. "Teshedos' leg joint seal failed on the beach, creating internal sparks which melted the plastiskin away. Teshedo, was repaired and is now fine." God, it gets me horny just thinking about it!

Was Jesus Gay?:
"Unless he has fucked you or you have fucked him, you don't know any better than me." Indeed, my friend. Indeed.

If that didn't make you feel better, I don't want to hear about it.

Jack: Right! It's time for another edition of disturbing links sent in by my major link source, Bobo the Vampire Clown! This month's theme is "sexual deviancy and stuffed animals".

The Erection Collection:
On this site, you can buy cute little stuffed animals with massive whorethumping erections. I think it would be worth $25 to buy one of these suckers... and hide it in your nephew's Beanie Baby collection.

The Wondrous Vulva Puppet:
If I ever decide I want to smother somebody to death with a pillow, I'm gonna do it with one of these.

Naked Animal Girls:
This page features women digitally edited to look like various animals. Okay, I can sort of understand this one. After all, many animals are beautiful and graceful, so why not combine them visually with naked women? Seems natural. (I have to say, though: the bat looks ridiculous, and the snail scares the shit out of me.)

Gynomammophallitis:
This one, however, mystifies me. I can't even begin to imagine what sort of person these images would appeal to. Other than you, of course. You pervert.

The Secret Life of Bea Arthur:
Somebody is digitally editing naked women to have Bea Arthur's head. If there's a surer sign of the impending apocalypse, I can't imagine what it is.

Well, that's it. The finest sexual deviancy Bobo could track down. Can you do better?

April 9, 2001

Pat: It's been a while, but what do you want...quality or quantity?

Well? Choose one! CHOOSE!

BSE Design:
As Eric Lippet says, "More gift ideas for Pat. Just click it.". He knows me so well.

How to Self-Publish and Market a Winning How-To Booklet:
A work of brilliance, if you think about it. (For an extra chuckle, take a look at the testimonials from people who ordered this thing and thanked the authors for giving them "hope". Desperation? Stupidity? Maybe a little of both.)

Jesus Christ Superstore:
Unlike the Biblical action figure site we told you about in an earlier update, this probably isn't real... but god damn, is it ever funny! (Eric Lippert, who's fast becoming our most reliable link spotter, provided this one too.)

Pixyland (The Homepage of Peter Pan):
The beautiful thing about the Internet is not its capacity for expressing information or points of view or anything like that. No, what the Internet's great at is letting people bask in earnestness. Painful, painful earnestness. Take this page as an example. Here is a guy who's clearly getting old, and not only deals with this by denying it, but has gone as far as to identify with Peter Pan. Peter Pan! He dresses like Peter Pan, writes about Peter Pan, and poses for weird, asexual, 'cute' photos of himself mugging for the camera in a misguided attempt at somehow becoming Peter Pan. Not only that, but he does all this with a total conviction and pride that would be admirable if it weren't so...creepy. This is truly vintage stuff. (Thanks to Eric Lippert for the link.)

A Woman's Guide on How to Pee Standing Up:
I know a woman who can do this, and she didn't need to read any guide. I guess some people are just born with talent, and some people are not!

So there you have it. Happy? You'd better be. I know I am. Very. Very. Happy.

Jack: Destiny has a middle finger, and it's flipping it at YOU!

Let's see some links.

Alison's PantsCam:
Now this is the true future of reality television: a device that allows you to see inside Alison's pants, any time of the day or night. If only I could get it to work, I'd throw away my television. (Thanks to our old pal Jeff for submitting this link.)

The Bionic Woman Poetry Website:
This is a website designed to sell a book of poetry about the Bionic Woman. Yes, you can actually buy the book descibed by Broken Pencil (whatever that is) as "A singular vision of the Bionic Woman's struggle for mental emancipation from the physical prison of her super-powers." Wow! Sounds pretty important, guys! Pity there aren't more samples. (Thanks to Scott Finneran for sending this one in.)

Men Who Look Like Kenny Rogers dot com:
I don't think this site needs any introduction. The title alone is funny enough. (Thanks again to Jeff Couckuyt.)

Re-versed Lyrics:
Yet another chapter in the saga of insane Christians, this is an entire site devoted to rewriting lyrics to pop songs so that they can be sung by people interested in praising the Lord. I was mad enough when the bastards stole "Greensleeves", but this is going too far! Jihad time! (Thanks to Steffen Norgren for submitting this link.)

"What?" I hear you screech. "Only four links?" Well, that's all I have for you, baby, and if you don't like it, well, you can kiss my ass!

January 15, 2001

Pat: The first links of 2001, and not a space odyssey among them. Would you have thought the future would be so... ordinary? Don't worry, though. Here are links to make your world seem new.

Divine Interventions:
Masturbation. Religious icons. Two great tastes that taste great together? Our old friend Eric Lippert seems to think so, and who are we to argue with a man whose anus can... er, well, maybe that's best not mentioned here. Thanks all the same for the link, Eric!

Giant Robot:
Though primarily intended as a promotional platform for the excellent Asian/Asian-American pop culture magazine Giant Robot (buy it...subscribe to it...that's an order!), this web page has since become an interesting place to hang out. Anyone with an interest in the pop/trash/low-cultural output of Asian and Asian-descended people should find something of interest here. (Shouldn't I get some kind of fee for promoting the print version of this magazine? Sometimes, life just isn't fair...)

Grant Morrison.com:
Finally! The official web page of my favourite weird-ass, drug-taking, magick-working, PLIF-inspiring comic book writer is here. Decidedly low-tech, DIY, and offering really cool access to a genuine cult figure, this page is a must for everyone who likes Morrison's work...and anyone who might.

Japanarama:
What I love about the Japanese is that they have taken pop culture into realms of weirdness and insanity at which the rest of the world can only gape. America may be the cultural engine which drives the world, but Japan is definitely the unhinged little engine that could.

The Ten Strangest Masters of the Universe Figures Ever!:
God help us! Not only are we still compulsively wallowing in the filth of '70s nostalgia (aviator sunglasses? you idiots!), but, on the horizon, looms an even more dangerous and terrifying torrent of sludge...'80s pop cultural nostalgia! And you know what's the most horrifying thing? I love it! Damn me. Damn me all to hell.

3... 2... 1... blast off. Can you feel it?

Jack: Well, it's 2001! The start of a new millennium! The beginning of a new... oh, who am I kidding? I couldn't care less. Let's see some cool links.

Am I hot or not?:
It's very easy to be a critic, and this site allows you to criticize the looks of hundreds of anonymous people without any risk of being judged yourself. With a single click of your mouse, you can decide the attractiveness of each candidate, then see the current standings for that person as voted by others. You'll find you'll settle easily into a judgemental role, praising yourself for your discriminating taste as you repeatedly dismiss people you'd kill to have a date with if you ever met them in person. (If you've got real guts, you'll submit your own picture to be criticized. Just make sure you have a suicide method planned out beforehand, because once you read your ratings, you'll be too depressed to be creative.)

Engrish.com:
This hilarious site is devoted to the misusage of English by the Japanese, as recorded by English-speaking tourists and residents. Of course, any language can end up sounding funny when translated poorly, but for some reason, the Japanese are particularly good at coming up with inadvertently hilarious phrasings, such as "relieve the relief and listen to the angel's whisper" (on a box of snacks) or "Fujinami's straw will produce you young party happily and exceedingly" (on a box of drinking straws). If you need a good laugh, check this one out.

Sex with Dolphins FAQ:
Yes, it's a web page that carefully explains to you how to meet, court, and have sex with dolphins without drowning, getting arrested, or getting seriously injured. This link was submitted by Isaac, who wrote "This guy's really into fucking dolphins. He deserves recognition." Well put.

Technical Virgin:
This site is designed to educate teens on a convenient way to achieve sexual satisfaction without risking unwanted pregnancies: anal sex! Be sure to check out their TV commercial, which is viewable from the main page and definitely worth the load time. (Thanks to WarlockD for submitting this beauty.)

Old Links

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The Ad Graveyard:
A treasure-trove of weird and rejected ads. Has to be seen to be believed.

All the Rage:
Kind of like 'National Enquirer,' only for the comic book industry.

Anorexic and Bulemic Rec Room:
Anorexic porn. What are you waiting for?

Bat Boy: The Musical:
Play that funky music, Bat Boy...

Biblical Action Figures:
Get your own Jesus doll. Black and white versions available.

Braces Archives:
Creepy not only because it's meant to be porn, but because of its sheer size.

Brian's Page of Antique Weirdness:
The past was a very strange place.

Carve the Frog:
This site tells you how!

Cat Dynamics:
To see the Cats of the Future, just click here.

Childcare Action Project (CAP):
Humorless Christian fundamentalists tell you which movies are evil!

David Icke dot com:
Alien reptile overlords... and YOU!

Corpses For Sale:
Step right up!

The Christianity Meme:
Is Jesus a disease of the mind? you bet your ass he is!


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Dead Porn Stars:
Not just a great name for a band.

Delicacies of Horseflesh:
Mmmm-m-good! Hi-ho, silver! Awaaaaaaaaay!

Disinformation:
A 'counter-cultural search engine'. Very white-bread, but interesting.

Electric Sheep Web Comics:
Some of the best e-comics on the web.

Exploding Dog:
Whimsical, oddly touching cartoons based on random lines of text sent in by readers. Highly recommended.

The Filthy Critic:
Movie reviews that give the finger to Hollywood!

FlyPlane:
We have no idea if the project this page suggests is even possible, but it's definitely weird as hell.

Fuck-U-Fuck Me:
The ultimate sex machine.


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The Gallery of Regrettable Food:
The 50s were a scary culinary time.

Gatchaman, Home of the White Shadow :
You might know them as 'G-Force'. You might have witnessed their 'Battle of the Planets'. If you recognize those references, then this page is for you.

Gobler Toys:
Weird, imaginary retro-toys from some strange parallel world.

The Sound of Heino:
Germans should not be allowed to sing.

The Incident:
Supernatural? You bet!


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Jack T. Chick Publications:
Remember those weird little Christian comic books you used to get as a kid? The ones were the main character always burned in hell at the end? Here's the official page.

The Jack T. Chick Parody Archives:
As if those damn Chick comics weren't funny enough themselves...

Jackin'World:
The ultimate masturbation resource.

jesus.com:
He looks like Jesus, and he wants a date with you!

Jump The Shark:
When did your favourite TV show become unwatchable? Click on this site and see!

Leisure Town:
Weird online comics made with toys. Innovative and bizarre.


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MC Hawking's Crib:
Heh.

Movie Gun Mishaps:
Movies use a lot of guns these days. You'd think the directors would make sure they were used correctly...

Nori, the Nasal Enema:
Uh...

The Orphanage of Cast-Off Mascots:
They sold products to the world, and now they live in poverty, forgotten!


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Le Parking et Complet:
Wanna see our cartoons translated into French? No? Well fuck you, then!

Porn Prayer Support:
Masturbation, homosexuality, porn... Christ can free you of it all!

Quietsche Entchen (Rubber Ducky):
It doesn't get much more frightening than this.

Really Disturbing Movies:
What more do you need to know?

Roadside America:
The kind of Americana that doesn't involve friendly dictators or napalming children. You know, the other kind of Americana. The fun kind.

rotten.com:
Images that go far beyond 'tasteless'.


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Sean, Baby!
Pop-cultural kitsch from someone who grew up in the '70s. (Includes cartoon ads for Hostess Fruit Pies!)

Sha-Na-Ra, the Crystal Skull:
How many skulls have their own web pages? Not many!

Shteatrfrk's Filth on the Web:
You want filthy shit? We got filthy shit!

snarg.net:
A weird and wonderful 'web installation' art piece.

Soda Constructor:
Make your own virtual robot-insect-things!

Sound America:
Do you ever feel nostalgic for the theme songs from the shows you used to watch as a kid? No? Then don't you dare open this page!

Time Cube:
Who says that mad scientists only exist in movies?

The Trepanation Trust:
Drilling holes in your own head for fun and profit.

Urban Legends Reference Pages:
Definitive. See how many urban legends you actually believe!


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Webcomics:
Filled with the good, the bad and the ugly of internet cartooning... like us!

World Sex Guide:
Going on a trip? Need to know how to find whores? This page'll tell you!

Yesterdayland:
A very informative retro TV site.

Yoda is the Devil:
As if you ever doubted it.

THE PARKING LOT IS FULL:
Your Last, Fraying Link to Any Sort of Sanity.
Guaranteed.


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