Welcome to the Joe Queenan Contrition Website.
 
After many years as an irredeemably horrible human being, I have set up this web site in order to publicly apologize to people as well as places I have capriciously mistreated in print in the past 13 years. Over the past few months, I have painstakingly reviewed every word I have written, keeping my eye peeled for fulsome calumnies, unconscionable slurs and gratuitous insults. If I treated a person unfairly, or went out of my way to be mean to a city, state, country or even profession, I have listed the specific insult and apologized for it. Thank you for visiting my site.
 
IRRESPONSIBLE JOURNALISM FOR WHICH I WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE MOST PROFUSELY
Joan Allen - Cher
Civil War Buffs - The French
Bill Gates - Native Americans
Sinead O'Connor - Sting
Kathleen Turner - Sean Young
PEOPLE I SPECIFICALLY DO NOT WANT TO APOLOGIZE TO
Complaints Dept.
 
 
 

 

Allen, Joan. In a 1998 Guardian story in which I tried to recreate the key party in The Ice Storm by inviting my friends and neighbors over to swap spouses, I said that the problem with the film was that nobody really wanted to go home with the character played by Joan Allen. Specifically, I quoted a friend, who remarked: "Nobody wants to sleep with someone who looks like Richard Nixon's wife." This is not true. I know lots of people who would like to sleep with somebody who looks like Pat Nixon. They should be so lucky. back to top
Bag People. In a 1993 Spy photo-essay entitled "In Search of Arrogance," I went back in time 10 years and spent a day as a revolting Yuppie (yellow tie, red suspenders, Gordon Gekko hair, a line of coke in the bathroom). Though most of my exploits were quite innocent and good-natured, I did invite an authentic bag person into my stretch limousine for a glass of champagne to toast Ronald Reagan's tax cuts. This was an unforgivably mean thing to do, though in my defense, it was then-Spy editor Tony Hendra's idea, not mine. back to top
Baldwin, Alec. In a 1995 Chief Executive article I said that actors who had appeared in as many bombs as Alec Baldwin should keep their mouths shut about parrot smuggling in the Amazon when they came on Late Night with David Letterman to plug their latest D.O.A. film. A classic example of mixing cultural apples with ethical oranges. back to top
Basinger, Kim. See Baldwin, Alec. back to top
Ben. See "Ben & Jerry." back to top
Ben & Jerry. From 1987, when I first wrote about them in Barron's, until 1988, when I wrote about them in Chief Executive, I never once missed an opportunity to call them jerk-offs, or something to that effect, hauling down thousands of dollars in the process. Without citing verse and chapter, let me say only this: Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa. back to top
Bergen, Candice. In a 1994 American Spectator review of A Talent for Genius: The Life and Times of Oscar Levant, I noted that aspiring photo-journalist Candice Bergen was the last person to see the troubled genius alive, and suggested that if Levant had ever seen her act he would probably have died sooner. In fact, I had no way of knowing this, and was just being mean. back to top
Blind People. In a 1994 Movieline story entitled "See No Evil," I said that "Blindness is an extremely depressing subject, because blindness itself is a physical condition which has no real upside." Oh, really? Then how do you explain Homer? Milton? Borges? Feliciano? Here, I was guilty of blatant sightism. In my defense, I did not expect any blind people to ever find out what I had written in this story, but that is not an excuse. back to top
Bogosian, Eric. In a 1993 Movieline article entitled "Ham Radio," I applauded a toothless Nazi for having the good sense to go downtown and murder the annoying deejay/complete asshole played by Bogosian, the famed sit-down comic, in Oliver Stone's muscular Talk Radio. As any schoolchild knows, neo-Nazis should never be encouraged to leave the house, not even when they are fictional, not even when the encouragement is obviously meant as a joke. Moreover, if I in any way created the impression that I thought Bogosian himself was a complete asshole, and not simply a gifted monologist playing a complete asshole, I apologize from the very bottom of my heart. back to top
Bono. In a 1989 Forbes article, I ridiculed the gifted U2 vocalist for publicly quoting Albert Camus, even though I knew deep down inside that Camus was a great writer, and I was just using the French as a prop in a cheap joke. This is an example of what the French philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre once referred to as "bad faith." back to top
Brawley, Tawana. In a TK Wall Street Journal review of Outrage: The Story Behind the Tawana Brawley Hoax, I applauded the authors for proving beyond the shadow of a doubt that Tawana Brawley was a brazen liar. Since that time, I have come to understand that while the facts of the case may be in dispute, the Tawana Brawley incident is imbued with a metaphorical truth that resonates far beyond the parameters of conventionally perceived reality. In this sense, she is very much like Rigoberta Menchu or Mumia Abu-Jamal: not literally a victim of the particular outrages that she claimed to have suffered, but a victim of broader, more transcendent crimes that exist primarily in a nebulous zone of cultural magic realism. back to top
Carradine, Keith. In a 1993 Movieline article entitled "Baby Love," I referred to Carradine as "a corpse masquerading as an actor." Though a tad inanimate, Carradine is actually a very fine actor who plays corpses because they are probably the only roles he ever gets offered. back to top
Carter, Jimmy. Over the years I have so said so many cruel things about the finest ex-president this country has ever known that I would need an entire chapter to enumerate them. But if I had to pick one particular article whose transparent malevolence most makes me cringe today it would be the 1997 Forbes ASAP piece in which I blamed Carter for the rise of "failure chic" in America. In it, I said that honoring an unsuccessful president who had transformed himself into a successful ex-president was like honoring "the greatest unsuccessful airplane pilot in history." Today, I take it all back. For like Mr. Carter, I would rather be right than president. back to top
Cavett, Dick. In a TK Playboy article about famous ass-kissers, I included the former talk-show host with Truman Capote, Andy Warhol, Joe McGinnis and Lt. Columbo in a category entitled "BOOTLICKERS WHO BITE." This was my editor's idea, not mine: I have always admired Cavett and would never go out of my way to insult him. This is an example of the editorial ineptness that can afflict the free-lance writer when he is juggling too many assignments at any one time and doesn't get around to revising his galleys. back to top
Cher Jokes in General. In a 1994 Movieline article about blindness, I said that Laura Dern's being blind had one upside: "It shields her from the awful discovery that she may soon have Cher for a mother-in-law." In a 1995 Movieline article about celebrity exercise videos, I joked about Cher's pudginess, suggesting that the backing song "Born to be Wild" was less appropriate than "Born to Be Wide." In a 1996 Movieline article about unlikely female lawyers, I referred to Cher as "the only female in the history of the universe who could possibly introduce Sonny Bono as the second-dumbest man she ever married." And in a 1990 Movieline article entitled "If You Can't Say Something Nice, Say It in Broken English," I said that Cher's Italian accent in the film Moonstruck was "an act of cultural genocide every bit as odious as Laurence Olivier's Jewish accent in The Jazz Singer," and as such had inflicted more damage on proud Italian-Americans than "a million bad Mafia movies, 137,876,546 Joe Garagiola commercials, a life's supply of stale cannoli." In all of these cases, I was exaggerating ever so slightly, simply because Cher is always useful as a literary sight gag. In fact, although I think her gruff singing is appalling, I have always found Cher to be a surprisingly competent and often charming actress and only made these remarks because I needed some cheap laughs. This is another fine example of what the French philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre once referred to as "bad faith." back to top
Civil War Buffs. In a 1993 installation of the Spy "Admit It! It Sucks!" series, I said the Civil War was a load of crap, gratuitously lampooning the national nightmare in which a more perfect union was forged in the crucible of blood as brother was pitted against brother while freedom rang. Making fun of this epic conflict, the Virginia state industry, is not funny. back to top
Davidovich, Lolita. In a 1994 Guardian review of Intersection, I described Ms. Davidovich as being perfectly believable in the role of a young woman equipped with two ears through which one could direct a flashlight's rays with no trouble whatsoever. This was actually a line I'd been planning to use in a story about Melanie Griffith, and it had just been lying around for months because Ms. Griffith didn't have any movies out at the time, so I stuck it in there without any real concern for whether it was appropriate or not. back to top
Differently Abled Athletes. In a 1997 Wall Street Journal op-ed piece, I ridiculed the locomotively-challenged golfer Casey Martin, suggesting that disabled hockey players should be outfitted with electronic snowboards, goalies should be allowed to use wheelchairs, and worn-out baseball players should be allowed to ride golf carts in the outfield. Cheap and obvious. back to top
Dreyfus, Richard. In a 1996 Washington Post op-ed piece I wished out loud that the director of Mr. Holland's Opus had ended his film the same way as Braveheart, with Richard Dreyfuss getting his entrails ripped out while a cast of thousands cheered. For the love of Mike, I don't know what got into me here. back to top
Drunks. In a 1987 Newsweek "My Turn" column entitled "Too Late To Say 'I'm Sorry'," I trashed recovering boozehounds, most specifically my dad. After the story ran, Newsweek forwarded a box filled with 1,000 letters, 80 from wives and children of alcoholics who loved the story, 920 from livid recovering alkies, some vowing retribution. My dad himself actually admired the story, admitting that AA's apology "step" was a stupid idea. Nevertheless, there is no excuse for being this cruel to the millions of recovering gin monkeys who make up this great nation. back to top
Dwarves. See "Sting." back to top
Eunuchs. In a 1993 Movieline article entitled "For Members Only," I advised vindictive women to consult the 1988 Anglo-Yugoslavian film Stealing Heaven, which illustrates "how to quickly, effectively castrate a man" as well as the 1976 Japanese-French film In the Realm of the Senses. Providing these kinds of detailed signposts to aberrant people is no different than those companies that publish books teaching people how to commit murder or assemble home-made nuclear weapons. Sure, the information is already in the public domain. But people like me should know better than to wave a red flag in front of a raging bull. Or heifer. back to top
Farrow, Mia. In a TK Toronto Globe & Mail review of her autobiography, I questioned the intelligence of a woman (Mia) who would marry a man (Frank Sinatra) who was once married to a woman (Ava Gardner) who'd had an affair with her (Mia's) father. And then marry Woody Allen. In the end, I described her as "immensely likable but almost actionably dumb." This was not nice, and it certainly wasn't news. I also referred to her "United Colors of Benneton children" in a 1993 Movieline article entitled "Baby Love." The first rule of good journalism is: You never drag the kids into it. Sorry, Mia. back to top
French, The. Made $13,000 between 1988 and 1998 mocking them in various publications, even though I go there on vacation every summer and actually like the ornery bastards. This is another example of what Jean-Paul Sartre once called "bad faith." back to top
Gates, Bill. In a 1996 American Spectator review of his book The Road Ahead, I called him a fake populist and poked fun of his stupid sweaters, even though I had made a small fortune investing in Microsoft. This is yet another example of what Jean-Paul Sartre once referred to as "bad faith." back to top
God. In a 1998 American Spectator article, I wondered why God never intervened personally in the careers of professional football players like Reggie White and Randall Cunnigham until after they stopped playing for the Philadelphia Eagles. And in a 1994 Movieline article entitled "And Then There Were Nuns," I said that because of her work in The Singing Nun, Debbie Reynolds had nailed down the position of "Actress appearing in a nun movie on whom Almighty God is least likely to show mercy at the Last Judgment." In the first case, I was merely being cheeky, since we all know that God writes straight in crooked lines. As for Debbie Reynolds' fate, that was merely wishful thinking. back to top
Harper, Valerie. In a 1993 Movieline article, I cautioned that the 1984 film Blame It on Rio "contains rabies jokes and Valerie Harper." Valerie Harper had never done anything to warrant this kind of abuse. back to top
Hookers. In a 1991 Movieline article entitled "Don't Try This at Home," I tried to impersonate Richard Gere in Pretty Woman by asking an Eighth Avenue hooker if she would accompany me to a dinner with the CEO of a company I was taking over and pretend to be my ultra-sophisticated companion. Working girls don't need this kind of crap. back to top
Hoosiers. In my 1992 book Imperial Caddy, I described the great state of Indiana as a festering hotbed of weirdness, incubating such monsters as Jim Jones, John Dillinger, Michael Jackson and Axl Rose. The truth is, the same intellectually threadbare argument could have been made about any state in the Union. back to top
Jazz. Said that it sucked in the 1994 Spy series "Admit It! It Sucks!" and although I thought the article was quite good-natured and made some interesting points by questioning various assumptions and received wisdom, a lot of people felt that it had a racist subtext. In my defense, I should point out that famous white musicians such as Chet Baker, Gerry Mulligan, Stan Getz and Bucky Pizzarelli were prominent targets of my venom, and that I did honestly believe at the time that jazz blew it right out the ass, but now that I've listened to a few Chick Corea records I know otherwise. back to top
Jerry. See "Ben & Jerry." back to top
Movement, The Men's. In a 1992 article, I advised readers of Chief Executive to "purchase lots of assault weapons and not be afraid to use them." Unconscionable. back to top
Men With Small Penises. In a 1997 Men's Health article entitled "An Inch Too Far," I'd stated categorically that the only people who should even think of getting penis extensions were "men cursed with microphalluses, victims of car accidents or editors at Vanity Fair." Oh, you catty bitch!!! back to top
Meredith, Courtney, Megan, Shawn, Jason, Erik and Scott: Throughout the past decade, I continually made fun of children saddled with these unfortunate names, even though it clearly wasn't their fault. back to top
Montand, Yves. In a 1997 Movieline article about movie stars who became famous by getting the shit kicked out of them, I said that "one of my greatest regrets in life was that I never got to see debonair Yves Montand lying in the gutter getting his head stomped on by malevolent street urchins." In fact, this had never been one of my great regrets; I barely knew who the guy was. I only said it because you can always get a laugh by making fun of the French. back to top
Mother Nature. Innumerable ad florinem and ad fauninem attacks over the years, but the worst was my TK Washington Post piece in which I said that mankind's systematic rape of the planet over the past 200 years was just recompense for millions of years of abuse - cholera, smallpox, earthquakes, the Black Death, hurricanes, floods, AIDS - by Mother Nature. Completely indefensible twaddle. back to top
Native Americans. In a 1993 Movieline article entitled "Seeing Red," I said that the lowest point in the history of the red man was not the massacre at Wounded Knee or Sandy Creek or the Trail of Tears but the release of the 1964 film Cheyenne Autumn in which Ricardo Montalban plays an Indian chieftain. Though my intentions were entirely honorable, this kind of insensitive remark trivializes the epic saga of the American Indian. back to top
O'Connor, Sinead. Called her a "short, bald, distaff Bono" in a 1992 issue of Us. Here I was guilty of sizeism, lookism and hypocrisy, since I own all of Sinead's records and yet again was just looking for cheap laughs. This is yet another example of what Jean-Paul Sartre once referred to as "bad faith." back to top
Out-of-Shape Pregnant Women. In a 1995 Movieline article entitled "Sweating with the Stars," I sneered at Kathy Smith's Pregnancy Workout, remarking that watching the women shimmy and joggle in the video was like watching White Female Sumo Wrestlers' Funniest Home Videos. Women are the mothers of our children and the hope of the planet and should never, ever be laughed at, no matter how preposterously skimpy their leotards. back to top
Panush, Don. For a 1987 Spy prank, I visited one of those storefront legal offices in New York City and told Mr. Panush that I wanted to do a $35 million leveraged-buyout of a White Plains firm that made the fibrous underpadding used in prisons and mental institutions. I suppose it was an amusing enough story at the time, but basically I was just fucking with the guy, who didn't really need this kind of crap, so I apologize. back to top
Peter, Paul & Mary et al. In a 1988 New Republic article entitled "If I Had a Hammer," I theorized that the Nixon Administration had made a secret deal with the anti-war movement to pull out of Vietnam if Peter, Paul & Mary, Richie Havens, Joan Baez and others of their ilk went away forever. The article specifically referred to Peter, Paul & Mary as "monsters." Worse still, in a 1996 article for the online content provider Mr. Showbiz, I had criticized Amtrak customers for not lynching Paul Stookey when he started playing folk songs on a delayed Washington-New York Metroliner. Once again, going after a gnat - well, three gnats -- with a thermonuclear device. back to top
Rifkin, Jeremy. In a 1992 review of Rifkin's Beyond Beef: The Rise and Fall of the Cattle Culture entitled "Silence of the Cows," I sneered at his theory that methane gas emitted from millions of cow butts was endangering the planet. This was a very bad thing to do, because environmentalists should never be ridiculed, no matter how shaky the scientific foundations of their arguments. Therefore, even though this review appeared in Across the Board, a magazine which no one ever saw, I am deeply sorry for my gratuitous meanness. back to top
Rushdie, Salman. In a 1989 American Spectator article, I said that the reason I was the last American writer to come out in defense of the menaced novelist was not because I was afraid of Islamic terrorists, but because I was out of town at the time, and also because I thought we were supposed to go in alphabetic order, so I was waiting for Joyce Carol Oates and the Podhoretzes to weigh in. Making a fast $250 off the misfortunes of a writer far greater than me is odious, especially when the money comes from a virulently right-wing publication like The American Spectator. back to top
Sarandon, Susan. In a mean-spirited 1989 Rolling Stone article entitled "Miss Congeniality," I ridiculed the actress's political convictions by noting: "Like many people who have villas in Italy, apartments in New York, and good jobs in Hollywood, Sarandon supports innumerable political causes. These include women, homeless women, homeless people, victims of Central American political repression, AIDS victims and Nicaraguan mothers. Environmentally sensitive readers, and manatee readers tired by the immense amount of press coverage more colorful aquatic species seem to get, will be heartened to know that at no point has Sarandon expressed any concern about the whales." Here, let's face it, I was just being a snide-assed bully. back to top
Security Guards. In a 1988 New York front-of-the-book piece I eviscerated an overworked, underpaid security guard at the bag check counter of the New York Public Library's Main branch who refused to give me back my knapsack because I had presented the wrong claim check. Even though I could tell him everything that was in the bag - my checkbook with my name on it, a white comb, a green case holding a dental retainer, a Newsweek story with my photograph atop it - he would not turn it over. At the time, I pilloried him as an idiot. In fact, he was probably just a hard-working immigrant stiff who was thrown off his guard my by staggering powers of prestidigitation, and I may even have antagonized him deliberately because I knew there was $800 in a New York story if I could make him look like a real idiot. back to top
Seeger, Pete. See "Peter, Paul & Mary." back to top
Sheen, Charlie. In a 1991 Movieline article entitled "Young Gums," I discussed a scene in the film Young Guns in which the veteran actor Brian Keith, while concealed in an outhouse, made more of an impression than Sheen, Kiefer Sutherland, Lou Diamond Phillips and Emilio Estevez did while they were actually on the screen. Even when I was writing this, I knew that it was not true. True, the invisible Keith - never a lord of the boards, mind you - did out-act Sutherland, Phillips and Estevez while concealed in the shithouse, but Charlie Sheen generally held his own. I only included him with the others for the sake of comic effect and because a joke like that works better when it's monolithic. Roger Ebert would never have played as fast and loose with the facts as me, which is why he is where he is today. back to top
Sorbonne, The. In a 1990 Movieline profile of Melanie Griffith entitled "Dark Side of the Moon," I poked fun at the venerable French academic institution founded in TK by the Jesuits by repeating Griffith's 1973 announcement that she planned to go to the Sorbonne and study philosophy. I knew perfectly well at the time that the Sorbonne does not accept students like Melanie Griffith and was just making another joke at the expense of the French. This is perhaps the finest example of what Jean-Paul Sartre once referred to as "bad faith." back to top
Spano, Vincent. Too many nasty remarks to list here, but the worst was my 1993 Movieline article about Alive. This is a film about a bunch of Uruguayan rugby players who crash in the Andes and are forced to eat one another in order to survive. While seated in a theater watching the film, I hollered out to Ethan Hawke and the other victims of the crash that they should "eat Vincent Spano first," as he was by far the worst actor in the movie. Such behavior in a motion picture theater is totally unacceptable, and will not be repeated. back to top
Stalin, Josef. In a 1991 Movieline article about Barbra Streisand entitled "Sacred Cow," I suggested that if the lefty activist with the bad perm played by Babs in The Way We Were was handing out leaflets on behalf of the Soviet Union in the early 1950's, the person she was actually going to bat for was Joseph Stalin himself. This was a terribly unfair accusation to make, since it trivializes the struggle of the Russian peoples and their glorious Revolution, and I apologize to the deceased Soviet strongman for such a calumny. back to top
Sting. In a 1991 Movieline article, I poked fun at the rock star for being "out-acted by a dwarf" in The Bride. Why, I now ask myself, is it so odd for a singer-turned-actor to be out-acted by someone shorter than him? Meryl Streep is shorter than Arnold Schwarzenegger, yet no one thinks it humiliating for him to be out-acted by her. Clearly, I only made this remark because it was the meanest thing I could think to say about Sting. But in doing so, I displayed gross insensitivity toward the diminutive actor David Rappaport, to whom I now also apologize for gratuitous sizeism. back to top
Turner, Kathleen. In a 1992 Movieline article about movies hamstrung by incomprehensible story lines, I ridiculed Turner's performance in V.I. Warshawski, noting that she played a "fat private investigator." I have since gone back and watched the movie again. She wasn't that fat. back to top
Un Pueblo Unido Jamas Sera Vencido. In a 1997 Wall Street Journal review of Heretic's Heart: A Journey Through Spirit and Revelation, I blasted Margot Adler, National Public Radio's New York bureau chief, for reading the manuscript of her book to her 90-year-old pinko dad while he lay dying in the hospital. One of the first things they teach you in journalism school is: Never make fun of the dying, even if they are unreconstructed old commies. Sadly, I never went to journalism school. back to top
Westheimer, Dr. Ruth. In a 1996 story in Men's Health, I said that if you were going to follow Dr. Ruth's advice and appear to your lover dressed only in a top hat, you should not do this if you had a body like Dr. Ruth's. Though the intent here was clearly humorous, the effect was unnecessarily cruel. back to top
Winters, Shirley. In an 1994 Movieline article entitled "See No Evil," I asserted that the one advantage of being blind was that "the blind get to go through their entire lives without ever seeing Shelley Winters." I have no idea how I could be so mean, and besides this was a callous recycling of a joke I'd already made about Cher in Mask. Very unprofessional. back to top
Yablans, Frank. In a 1992 Movieline article entitled "Clerical Errors," I suggested that the producer of the ferociously anti-Catholic film Monsignor was almost certainly going to hell because of his role in both the making and the distribution of this supremely offensive film. In fact, I haven't the foggiest idea what God has in store for Mr. Yablans. I was simply guessing. back to top
Young, Sean. In 1989, I interviewed the comely but ill-starred starlet at her Greenwich Village apartment for Rolling Stone. When I arrived, Young was having her weekly algebra lesson with a math tutor, and I suggested in my article that because she was having so much trouble with the powers-that-be in the movie industry she might in fact be preparing for a second career as "America's most fetching algebra teacher." I also obliquely poked fun at her recently acquired math skills. This was totally unfair. I was terrible at math in high school, and would have no way of knowing whether Sean Young was an idiot or a direct spiritual heir of Euclid. It was just another opportunity for a cheap laugh at somebody else's expense, and I apologize. back to top
PEOPLE I SPECIFICALLY DO NOT WANT TO APOLOGIZE TO:
O.J. Simpson, Don Simpson, Adolf Hitler, manufacturers or users of leaf blowers, editors of small literary magazines like The Lightning Herald: Un Journal de Poetes Terribles, gamines, Chris Berman, Elizabeth Hurley, English houseguests, washed-up child actors, people who bring ostrich farms public, the 1964 Phillies, subscribers to cigar magazines, knowledge workers, focus groups, editorial page writers who blame everything on hubris, Joan Didion, eco-tourists, journalists who make their living writing about what other journalists write about, Mary Beth Whitehead, people who write books with the words "ninja," "samurai," or "tao" in the title, Marshall Petain, Neville Chamberlain, The New York Rangers, Graydon Carter, Michael Jackson, the New York Metropolitan Transportation Authority, Brooke Shields, Steve Guttenberg, Rod Stewart, Ahmad Rashad, Regis Philbin, LaToya Jackson, Liz Taylor, Kathie Lee Gifford, Heidi Fleiss, cyber-geeks, people who start their own mail-order religions, people who publish their own "ironic" newsletters, copywriters, the guy who wrote Leadership Secrets of Attila the Hun and then took my words out of context to hype the book, maverick CEOs, literary agents, Who's Who in America, demographics experts, Faith Popcorn, overpriced thrift shops, comic book enthusiasts, people who think the Mayan civilization was founded by extraterrestrials, John Tower, all contemporary American short story writers, most satanists, MBA candidates, derivatives salesmen, the grommet industry, Grace Jones, Brigitte Neilsen, Eric Roberts, Donovan, Erik Estrada, Kathleen Sullivan, deconstructionists, Stanley Bing, multiculturalists, Pete Petersen, Jude Wanniski, Lee Iacocca, Chuck Norris, Shirley MacLaine, Ali McGraw, Sammy Davis, Jr., Deepak Chopra, Ed McMahon, Raquel Welch, Michael Medved, Joe Pesci, Greg Kinnear, New York Jets fans, Jane Fonda, Tony Curtis, Madonna, Jerry Glanville, Robin Cook, Reader's Digest, Dennis Levine, white New York Times rock critics who pretend not to hate rap music, Brent Musberger, Ricardo Montalban, Patrick Swayze, Fergie, Sharon Stone, Iron Butterfly, Chevy Chase, Goldie Hawn, Grand Funk Railroad, Joe Piscopo, David Spade, Adam Sandler, Sylvester Stallone, Joe Esterhaz. back to top
PEOPLE I DID NOT HAVE TO BE SO MEAN TO, BUT WAS NOT SO MEAN THAT THEY DESERVE A DETAILED APOLOGY
David Crosby, Penelope Anne Miller, Don Knotts, the guy who made the Benji movies, professional golfers, Tim Conway, Tony Robbins, Nick Nolte, Dionne Warwick, Christopher Reeve, Carol Alt, Paulina Porizkova, Kathy Ireland, Cindy Crawford, models in general, Bill Pullman, Peter Gallagher, John Travolta, Dennis Quaid, Aidan Quinn, the Chieftains. back to top
PLACES I DID NOT HAVE TO BE QUITE SO MEAN TO
Iowa., Edmonton, Paraguay. back to top
PLACES I SPECIFICALLY DO NOT WANT TO APOLOGIZE TO
Raleigh-Durham, Dallas, Branson, Missouri, the South in general. back to top
Compaints Dept.
If I have written about you and your name does not appear above, it either means that I do not believe that what I wrote about you warrants an apology or that you are not famous enough to apologize to. If you feel that you do deserve an apology or are famous enough to receive an apology, please state your case and e-mail me at JOEMEXCUSE@HOTMAIL.COM Please include all pertinent details about the publication in which you were insulted, the date of the insult, and the page number of the insult. At the earliest possible opportunity I will review your grievance, and if your complaint is found to have merit, I will issue you a personal apology by e-mail or mail (please enclose SASE) and a public apology the next time I update the site. I thank you in advance for your interest. back to top

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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