Phil
Donahue's Head Goes Boom
Originally
posted September 12, 2000
By
Nathan Porter
If there were a
lifetime achievement award for sucking, Phi Donahue would get my vote.
As the father of the daytime talk show, Phil Donahue is the Marco Polo
of trash TV and the reason that this year's presidential election is
likely to be won by the candidate who caused the most autoerotic
secretions by women watching Oprah.
It was Phil Donahue who birthed a television format where one day
his audience could watch an abortion and the next day stick a dollar
in the crotch of a Chippendale dancer. In its 29-year-run (1967-1996),
there were nearly 7,000 Phil Donahue shows. Shows that brought to the
surface a subclass of human existence so vile and ignorant that it
should have been left unnoticed, free to rot away in oblivion. But
Phil Donahue needed ratings. Phil Donahue had an agenda. An agenda so
radically leftwing that it made Thomas Eagleton look sane in
comparison.
But since 1996, Donahue has mercifully been removed from the scene,
overwhelmed by the spin-off monsters he created. Thanks to Phil
Donahue, the likes of Geraldo, Rosie, Springer, Jones, and Oprah
pollute our airwaves with their mindless dribble. It was Donahue's
syndicate that gave us Springer, and it is Donahue's studio that
produces Rosie.
So I am amused and repulsed at the re-emergence of Phil Donahue on
the airwaves. He has been everywhere this week. From Larry King to
Bill O'Reilly, Donahue has gone before the cameras to remove any
doubt--if some existed--that he is an asinine, conceited, and
obnoxious mass of human tissue. To the unaware or uninitiated Phil
Donahue may come across as an earnest liberal who is confident in his
beliefs. But there is a fine line between being confident and
obnoxious, and Phil Donahue has been on the wrong side of that line
for as long as I can remember.
How
liberal is Donahue? He once said, "I
don't know if there's an issue the ACLU takes I disagree with."
Oh c'mon, Phil. Surely even you don't approve of the ACLU's defense of
the National Man Boy Love Association. What am I thinking? Of course
he approves. Donahue is the guy who said just last year, "I
want my kids to see their heroes --Schwarzenegger and Cruise--march
down Fifth Avenue in the gay Pride parade." I cannot begin
to describe how profoundly screwed up that statement is.
Like
all liberals, Donahue touts tolerance while parading his intolerance
before the world. Complaining of Catholicism, Donahue charged,
"The Church has always thrived on ignorance and oppression."
Oh my! One would think he was applying for a position at Bob
Jones University. I'm surprised he didn't accuse the Church of being a
cult...oh, that's right, he did accuse it of being a cult. Anyway, if
any institution or ideology can be accused of thriving on ignorance
and oppression it is the institutional ideology of Phil Donahue's
style of liberalism.
Phil
Donahue is a hypocrite's hypocrite, and it is only fitting that he
married one as well. "That Girl" Phil married said of the
Clinton Impeachment: "I don’t want
to hear about it. I don’t want to know about anybody’s sex life. I
don’t want to hear about yours, I don’t want to hear about
President Clinton’s. There is only one man in America that has to
keep his pants up, and that’s my husband. Other than that, I don’t
want to know about it. I really don’t. I find it really
unappetizing. It’s nobody’s business." Well, I guess
it's safe to say Marlo didn't bother watching most of her husband's
shows.
The reason for Donahue's re-emergence is his latest cause, the
campaign of Ralph Nader. Personally, I have no problem with Donahue
supporting Ralph Nader, and I can admire the fact that as insanely
naive as Phil is, he does have enough sense not to support Al Gore,
and anything he can to do to increase the number of Nader votes in the
Midwest and Northwest is greatly appreciated. But his condescending,
holier than thou attitude makes me want to crawl into my television
set and pound his disproportionately large head so hard he'll have to
unzip his pants to say hello.
What
really fascinated me about Donahue's performance this week was his
insistence that conservatives should support Nader because Nader is
opposed to the drug war, and more and more conservatives see the folly
of a war on drugs. To prove his point, Donahue cited such notables as
George Shultz, Milton Friedman, William F. Buckley and Nathan Porter.
Okay, he didn't really cite me, but he should have, because I could tell
Phil that while I may agree with Nader on one or two issues, I
wouldn't support that two-legged lizard if he were running for chief
septic tank inspector, let alone commander in chief.
What
kind of glue is Donahue sniffing that makes him think any rational
thinking conservative would want as president a man who thinks the
defense budget should be cut by 100 billion dollars, who thinks it is
time to demobilize our military, who thinks the F-22 aircraft is
unneeded and too dangerous to fly, and who thinks we are wasting our
efforts defending against non-existent enemies. In what
world are these two bozos living? Certainly not this one. These guys
have their heads buried in the sand so deep their eyebrows have been
spotted in Beijing.
Of the
military, Phil opines, "Supporting the
military ought to mean supporting our uniform personnel, improving
their housing and their lifestyles...instead of buying all these
things that go boom, that make profits for Fortune 500
companies."
Golly
gee willikers, Phil. How do you plan on doing that with a 100 billion
dollar cut in the military? Eliminate from it everything that goes
boom? Isn't the purpose of the military to defend us? What better way
to do that than by blowing up shit? In a Phil Donahue and Ralph Nader
military, our bombers will drop flower petals and our missiles will be
de-targeted from those non-existent threats of Russia, China, North
Korea, and Iraq, and aimed at the real threat to America; the fortune
500 companies. And while you're at it, Phil, how about retargeting
some of those big-boom missiles toward the homes of daytime talk show
hosts.
The
'things that go boom' phrase is classic Donahue. He has been using
that line for decades and it exposes his outright hostility to all
things military. In a 1988 exchange with Pat Buchanan, Phil said, "You
and the Reagan ideologues have spent us into oblivion -- our children
are going to have to pay this bill -- and you step forward, like some
religious figure saying, 'more bombs, more bullets."
Phil, I
cannot believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest. As is
so often the case, you didn't have a clue then as to what you were
talking about, and you don't have a clue now. You are living proof
that if an imbecile is given a microphone and put in front of a
camera, someone somewhere will take them seriously.
Need a clue as to how close to the insane asylum Phil Donahue is?
Phil said of Ralph Nader, "I believe he is America's No. 1
private citizen of the 20th century." Okay, Phil, so real heroes
like the Wright Brothers, Jonas Salk, Albert Einstein and Edwin Hubble
all take a back seat to the guy who became a millionaire destroying
the Corvair. These men were true geniuses who through their work
changed the entire course of history for the betterment of mankind.
And Ralph Nader? If Nader and Donahue had been spreading their special
brand of socialism in the early twentieth century they would have
attacked the Wright Brother's machine as too dangerous to fly, the
polio vaccine as too risky to use, Hubble's research as a waste of
money better spent on a single-payer health care system, and the many
accomplishments of Albert Einstein would have been ignored as Donahue
attacked him for being infatuated with things that go boom.
In
1996, Ralph Nader appeared on the Donahue show, and he and Phil made a
big deal about how awful it was that states were given the right to
raise speed limits over 55 mph. This is the kind of world Phil Donahue
wants: one where a central bureaucracy mandates every decision. It's a
one size fits all world in the twisted mind of Phil Donahue. If a 55
mph speed limit is good enough for the crowded corridors of the east
coast, then it should be okay for the wide-open plains of the West. What
these two want is a world without risk, and in a world without risk
nothing is accomplished.
There
is an area, however, where Ralph and I agree but Phil doesn't. Ralph
and I believe that some TV shows make childrearing more difficult and
that we should support personal responsibility. Donahue is not too
keen on personal responsibility, except for those with whom he
disagrees.
When
Jerry Springer was under attack for the content of his shows, Donahue
leapt to his defense saying that for mainstream media to condemn
Springer is a "sad thing." But Phil did draw the line on
certain behavior, complaining, "If
these things [Springer show's] are rigged, you have a show that is
scripted by clever young producers who know how to make excitement by
demanding mayhem."
But when
a mentally disturbed guest on the Jenny Jones Show killed another
after being misled and manipulated by the show's producers, Phil put
the blame on neither the murderer nor the Jenny Jones Show. "This
is a homophobic murder," he said. "This isn't about Jenny
Jones. This is about homophobia...we are responsible as
Americans to stop the homophobia."
Wait a
minute, Phil. Are you telling me that I am responsible for that Jenny
Jones guest murdering the other? You mean it wasn't the fact that
Jenny Jones' producers lied to the guy about why they were having him
on the show? It wasn't the fact that the guy’s mental health was
marginal, the Jenny Jones Show knew it, and still proceeded to
humiliate him on national television for ratings purposes? Do you
honestly believe that had this guy not been ambushed on national
television and had his sexuality questioned before millions of
viewers, he would still have committed murder because of America's
homophobia epidemic?
Now
don't get me wrong, Phil. I believe in responsibility, and I believe
the murderer is responsible for the murder. But I also believe
that the Jenny Jones Show is responsible for inciting the situation.
And I believe that you, Phil Donahue, bear a great deal of
responsibility for the tawdriness of television talk shows, the
sensationalism of the evening news, the coarsening of our culture, and
the erosion of standards of decency in television programming.
So in my book, that puts you damn near the bottom on the list of
America's private citizens of the twentieth century. Down there with
Ralph Nader, Leopold and Lobe, and the guy who decided the Brady
Bunch Variety Show should see the light of day. You suck Phil Donahue,
and I long for the day your head goes boom.
Who Sucks columns are
are OPINION based on fact. This column, usually written in a blind
rage, is used to expose fraudulent politicians and public figures who,
in my opinion, suck. Send the praise here Nporter@bsnn.net,
send the hate here ScrewU@gotohell.com
©
Copyright 2001 BSNN.net/Nathan Porter
