Webcrawler Search Hall Of Fame
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A Bad Sign For Humanity
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MYSTERIES REVEALED!:Through the immense power of a human global network known as the "People Who Like To Help Out Dorks Like Me Network," I've received a number of benevolent e-mails, some actually revealing the skewed, sordid inspirations for these searches. Now, with the help of an advanced coding technique (well, okay, HTML targets), you can jump down to an explanation (if one is available) by clicking on an underlined query. But I'll save you the disappointment now-- the ones I'm REALLY curious about, like "electric yanni boat," I have yet to be enlightened to. Click here to add your own wisdom! You will be credited, of course. Unless you really would rather not have millions of people know you were a contributor to this site. I can understand that...
Be afraid. Be very afraid. These are actual search queries done by actual people utilizing the Webcrawler search engine. With the frightening lens on humanity that is the Webcrawler Search Ticker, you can see what actual people are actually typing into a search engine. Here are some classic ones: 
Query
My comments
this is stupid! I agree.
what color shud i paint my barn Blue.
What are the words to this song? Make sure to turn it up real loud so Webcrawler can hear it.
natural spit Man, I hate synthetic spit.
my wife's not home Ohhhh...kay....
bushy thing I don't wanna know.
How does Jeeves make money? You don't wanna know.
what is a boat? It's like a spatula, only furrier.
boom di boom bumbdbumdbum....
how tall will I be Five foot one.
isn't it over by now? I'm afraid not.
where can I download You should try going to the
what is qwerty They had to type it and they STILL don't know what it is?
ugly people There's a new one...
goth kennels No comment.
Where can I find France? Look around France.
+uh-oh +look-out
what is intercourse It's just a fancy way of saying "he put his thing in her down there."
I am afraid to ask out janet page because she has big breasts Most guys I know don't have this problem.
where can I get funky Anywhere you like.
why do i have to play on the internet every single day? Because you have no friends?
midget plaster Boy, this sounds like a useful product.
http://i like you Huh huh... gawrsh.... thanks!
where can I download the library This is the sound of me smacking my head on the desk.
what is the wind doing when it's not blowing? Umm... then it wouldn't be wind.
smoot Whoa! That's 'Tooms' spelled backward!
where can I find dancing things? http://www.newgrounds.com/assassin/hamster/
who is bill clinton Your MOM! Ooooh!
bikini fish *shudder*
Why? Why indeed.
star wars porn Wow. This guy just summarized the entire Internet in three words.
+the +ugly +red +book +that +won't +fit +on +a +shelf Don't ask me why, but this sounds like a children's story to me.
drip drip... drip... drip...
what do I look like HOO dangie, you UGLEH!
bababa barble .....Yes.
Where can I get cigeriagets free? Get an ololder kid to buy them for you.
6516468765165112111968463 No comment.
robo moo Hey, wouldn't a robotic cow be cool?
Is Jonathan Davis a druggie? Probably.
How tall is my brother Five foot one.
Stand-up Fishing "A funny thing happened upstream... Hey, anyone from the delta? Hey..."
boy OR boy What, couldn't pick one?
Paradigm Everyone wants a new one, because they keep shifting, or something.
yahoo Y'think this fellow's been on the Net very long?
sailer moon Even more pathetic is how successful this query is.
acoustic cafe I think those electric, amplified cafes are just too darn loud.
http No comment.
London Bubble *pop* D'oh, I was aiming for the Iraqi Bubble!
Where would i find cp shades clothing Did u try teh cp shades clothing stor?
West Hey, only one of four cardinal directions, very specific.
helmets that are big enough to fit Keri's poster No comment.
Sneegas Sure. But what the hell is Sneegas?!
captain coupon Ah, my favorite super hero. Captain Coupon.
pppd AND ppppd I'm not just looking for pppd. I'd like some ppppd info, too.
mentstral menstruation And in the Department of Redundancy Department...
+satan +emulator I'd like a good way to run Satan on my PC.
How do you make the best chocolate cheesecake DEAR WEBCRAWLER USER:  ASK YOUR AUNT
555-FLASHER That's not even a real phone number, for crying out loud!!
home AND page Oh yeah. That's a real narrow search there. "Home page."
language spoken in germany What could it be...?
atari chemistry Huh?
south pork sounds Ah yes, that popular television show, South Pork.
polnischisches +bersetzungspragramm No comment.
https //dxf.dtf.vic.gov.au/dxfp/owa/dxf.init Uhhhhh.....
Does Fabio love me And the magical Internet crystal ball says... no
SEIRL KILLERS No comment.
7 No comment.
verliogpackses models I bought one of those snap-together verliogpackses models, but it broke.
rap lyrics Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
www.when is there going to be a strawberry festival in new york.com THE INTERNET DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY, PEOPLE!
web page O-o-o-ohhh yeah, that'll get you nowhere fast.
karma sutra What is this, some new buddhism fetish thing or what?
i like dragons Good for you.
where can i find gay truckers.com No comment.
autoinsurancespecialists Hey, this is Sarah, my fiancee, she's an autoinsurancespecialist...
woof Uh, meow
-dbpl This will return to you every web page that does not have the phrase "dbpl" in it.
d d d d duh.
http 3A 2F 2Fwww.compaq.co.jp 2Fcos 2Freds 2Findex.html 2F No comment.
electric yanni boat Does anyone see a connection here...? Why would ANYONE type that in anyway?!
MAGIC SUITCASE "Gee, Betty? WHERE did you get that SUITCASE?" "Not just ANY suitcase, Barbara..."
find waldo What good is a search engine if it can't find Waldo?
playable flight simulators I hate those flight simulators that you can't play.
I want to find out about the color "puse" Gee, so do I, now!
female domomation No comment.
dicsunary Good, you need one. Look up 'domomation' for me, while you're at it.
what is the meaning of life Gooooood question.
HILARIOUS SOYBEAN STORIES Oh yeah, the Web is just TEEMING with hilarious soybean stories.
pie gates I wanna know what these are.
HP Dedkfjet 640 Ahh, my faithful Hewlett-Packard Dedkfjet printer.
fun -fun Get me a page about fun. But without fun.
WHERE IS MY YEARBOOK I don't know. Where did you leave it last?
boo I'm sure Webcrawler is scared.
spanish english letters If this isn't a paradox, I don't know what is.
Drummmmmmmond Tennesee My home town... Ahh, good old Drummmmmmond High School.
www.search engine.com DUHHHHH!
go away sue sue: ok
shcool house rock ...does not, evidentally, teach you how to spell. Gee, all those Saturday mornings wasted.
winning lotto numbers Oh, if only it worked that way.
screaming squeegee Dude, they're my favorite band! ...Uh, no
That's all for now.[Back to KevSpace]
Send Me Mail [Explanations Wanted!]
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NOTE TO PEOPLE WHO LIKE TO SUE SIXTEEN-YEAR-OLDS I am NOT affiliated with Lycos!
I don't really even LYKE Lycos! But I saw this the other day and it was too perfect for this area to resist using!
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EXPLANATIONS:
Query
Explanation
Stand-up Fishing
Okay, so this is probably referring to that kind of fishing where one wades through a river in those vinyl boots like that movie. Erm, yeah. Nevermind. Stop e-mailing me about it now.
+Satan +Emulator
An anonymous fellow has proved to me what should have been blatantly obvious-- Satan Emulator is just another illicit Emulator ROMs, WaReZ and HaCkZ page. You know, one of these days I should make a pirated software page called "Fuzzy Kitten Bunny Happy Download Day-Care Center" just to piss all the other little hackers off. Hmmm... Actually....
555-FLASHER Apparently this is a timer circuit for flashing LED lights. My not knowing this apparently makes me a "dumb ass" in the words of one helful fellow.
rap lyrics I was told in a particularly nasty e-mail that there are people who actually look up the lyrics to rap songs. To save you the trouble, here they are: "Mugga fugga nugga homiez, / diz is fo da B.I.G. foo / yo puffie check my style, all da bitches in ma mama's hood wanna (etc)"
MAGIC SUITCASE Fred Skin explains, "'Magic Suitcase' is a shareware database program for folks who collect 
'Magic: The Gathering' cards." Of course, this query is MORE stupid now that I know that. Oh well, at least Magic is dying down here so I don't have to listen to eight people per day try to convince me I should start playing it. WARNING! EDITORIAL COMMENT / RANT APPROACHING! The commercials say, "All you need is a deck, a friend, and a brain." Well I know several Magic players who played despite lacking the latter two prerequisites. Also, they forgot the most important one-- a crapload of money to burn. Why would people want to pay good money-- sometimes Gatesian amounts of it-- for the ability to say "My Mana Tree Pool is Attacking your Nude Elf Tree That Shoots Bees" to their similarly gullible friends for hours at a time? What I wanna know is, why do they need a rule book thicker than the manual to my Texas Instruments graphing calculator, when the only rule to Magic seems to be this: "Your opponent is a moron, everything he tries to do is wrong and his cards are obviously unusable if he or she seems to be winning; and if he or she cannot immediately grasp the concept of 'Mana,' then the obviously intellectually sterile cretinous opponent should be directed towards simpler concepts, such as particle physics." I mean, Pogs were stupid, but at least when you got sick of it you hadn't wasted sixty hours learning the rules for Pogs. (Some, however, wasted even more hours trying to convince themselves they really never fell for that fad, they never had any Pogs, they never had any Pogs... Never.... And ANYONE WHO SAYS I EVER DID IS GONNA HAVE TO PROVE IT!! Heh. Erm, nevermind.
PIE GATES Somewhere in the flotsam and Jetson of the Net is a video of Bill Gates being hit with a pie, and not, as I had suspected this meant, a page dedicated to the plural of some object called a Pie Gate. What a Pie Gate would do, I have no clue. Thanks to Hell Camino and others.
screaming squeegee Get this-- Screaming Squeegee is actually the legally established name of not one but TWO T-shirt screen printing companies in two remote, unaffiliated locations. It's actually a really good name for a band-- but it's being voted down, plus now I'm disappointed to learn it's an actual company name and not the invention of a precocious mind. {Oh yeah, have you voted for my band's name yet? If not, then GET THINE BUTT DOWN TO THAT PAGE AND VOTETH for we cannot be 'a band' forever!}