(Series 9, Episode 5)


A: But you have been in the news this week haven't you?

G: Moi?

A: Mmm.  Resigning from newspapers and that sort of thing.

G: How can you resign from a newspaper that never employed you?  I was just writing a column for them, I just won't be writing any more.  I haven't even written the letter.  I haven't had time to write the letter.  I've been too busy trying to avoid any further sleaze.

I: I should explain that Germaine has had a terrific spat with another writer on the Guardian, and she ended up calling a fellow feminist "a woman who had bird's nest hair, three fat inches of cleavage, and wore 'fuck me' shoes!"

G: That's actually incorrect!  What I actually said was that women who are self-destructive, in particular those women whose self-image is so low that they can't appear in public without their hair bird's nested all over the place, three inches of exposed cleavage and 'fuck me' shoes.  I didn't actually name anybody!

I: This was in a piece about Suzanne Moore though wasn't it?

G: She had been named...

I: I mean, I hate to put two and two together.

G: She had been...look, what really happened was...

P: Why would shoes want to be fucked anyway?

G: It's not the shoes!  The shoes are a signal.

I: What sort of shoes are you wearing Germaine?

G: Er, 'DON'T fuck me' shoes!  'Leave me alone or I'll kick you in the face' shoes.

I: Just checking!

G: But the oddest thing about all that was that column was a negotiating document.  There were twelve hefty insults and I thought I could trade it down and get away with three or four.  Instead, somebody gave the piece that would never ever be printed to the Evening Standard.  Now why would somebody working for the Guardian give a Guardian column that had never been printed to the Evening Standard?

A: We may never care.  Er, know!

G: I care!  It's to do with standards in public life for Heaven's sake!

A: And you have challenged her to a mud-wrestling match as well.

G: No!  I said that column was mud-wrestling and they should just sit back and enjoy it, that it was a sport!

P: Can you get 'fuck me' socks?

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