If You're Not Famous At Fourteen, You're Finished
"The song isn't about Nikki Webster, though I do confess to feeling a degree of queasiness when I saw her film clip, where the costume designer has attempted to create some kind of weird, freaky, sexy bimbette out of someone who is so quintessentially the class dobber. Anyway, the song's really just a happy little observation. Imagine being Silverchair? Or Ben Lee? You're famous, you're eminently shaggable, and you're credible. And you still get on the bus for half-fare. Fantastic. Musically, of course we stole everything, as usual. The bit from Countdown actually unearthed a bit of a bittersweet story. The guy who wrote the theme was about to collect his cheque from TISM when it was discovered that he had been stood up at the Registry Office, so to speak, by Brian May, of the famous Brian May ABC Orchestra, who registered the song in his own name, thus entitling the writer to fuck-all. That's what TISM gets you in the end - a lifetime of bitterness and regret."

Five Yards
"This was originally inspired by the Savage Garden song Affirmation, in which they list a series of, well, affirmations, such as 'I believe that beauty magazines promote low self-esteem' - Clearly the Gardeners are due a bit more respect from the rock cognoscenti than they get. Like, I wish we could come up with ideas like that. Maybe we'd be more famous, and be able to date the beautiful Kathleen from Hi-5."

Ten Points For A Razor Scooter
"Have you ever considered there may be something significant about the presence of numerals in the titles of the first three songs on this album? Maybe if you put those numerals together, and subtract the sum of the strange track-list numbers of the three songs, then type the answer out on Microsoft Word using the "Wingdings" font. Actually, the only thing 'Microsoft' about TISM is our cocks."

Thou Shalt Not Britney Spear
"Again, not actually the obvious attack on Britney that you might expect, this is actually an adaptation of a 16th century love poem by Andrew Marvell, (probably done in between penning Spiderman comics.) However, that won't stop a large portion of mid-teen boys with Chernobyl-strength bedroom aromas who happen to see us at whatever Festival they have been told it was de rigueur to attend, punching the air in victorious empathy at our anti-britney stance, because they like real serious bands, bands with attitude and aggression, and love to echo the sentiments of anyone who thinks "fuck Britney", despite the fact that the dim-witted, multi-tattooed gormless rap-rock shitheads they worship are actually peddling music even more bereft of independent thought, even more despicably unoriginal and jackbootingly conservative than the worst excesses the Britney generation have ever been capable of."

Would The Last Person To Leave Please Turn Out The Enlightenment?
"A lovely track. Undulating. Ethereal. And most importantly, the first song in the history of rock to feature the word 'emolument'."

Schoolies Week
"our Frothiest mardi-gras float-style attempt to celebrate a wonderful, wonderful Australian tradition. Schoolies Week. How do you mark your rite of passage into the world of responsibility? Make an utter cock of yourself, enter ill-advised relations, put stuff into your blood stream that originated in a Coffin-Cheaters laboratory, all in a part of Australia that looks like it was designed by an ex-AFL player."

Come Back DJ, Your Record Is Scratched
"This is a little story song. Kind of like Chuck Berry used to write. Our narrator is stuck inside a rave party when the ecstasy wears off. Meanwhile the DJ, the new symbol of aristocracy in popular music culture, is a charlatan - no, really - and he has left the stage to have his magnificent penis serviced by one of his dyed-hair, societal-norm-rejecting private school-attending acolytes. It is a cautionary tale. That guy dancing next to you at the next rave... are you sure he's not looking at your tits?"

Boot Party
"Actually, this is a cover version of the song by little-known Samoan boy-band 'Bouncer', who are a big influence on TISM. Sort of a cross between CBD and GBH."

Channel Turd
"Reality TV is a fantastic concept. Once all the nobodies prepared to debase themselves in the latest Darwinian TV turdfest replace the last of the TV celebrities, we'll actually have TV full of nobodies, and real life full of celebrities. So you'll be able to buy your white high-tin loaf from Russell Crowe down at the local Baker's Delight."

Fat Boy Slim Dusty
"Musically, this is one of our more ambitious moments. A fusion of hardcore garage techno with Jade Hurley. It Features 12 bars of the most irrelevant guitar playing in rock history, during the solo. We flew in, Steely Dan-style, a plethora of top guitarists to each play 3 notes, then compiled the tracks onto one computer disk and threw it out the window of the 5:15 bus from Springvale station, at exactly 20 metres per second per second, and recorded the sound when it hit the rubbish bin out the front of the Vietnamese fish and chip shop."

Honk If You Love Fred Durst
"We were initially fascinated by the whole 'I'm saving myself for marriage' thing that was being spouted by the Jessica Simpsons of this world. And then look a bit further, and you find Mr. Techno-rebel, Moby, is Christian too, and best of all, the permanently scowling Fred Durst. The parents of the Rolling Stones era had nothing to lock up their daughters about, compared to this. This is truly frightening stuff. Next thing they'll be telling us Jesus was a Christian."

Xtreme Sports Can Kiss My Arse
"X-treme - it's the new buzz word these days. X-treme freshness, X-treme taste, Mr. Howard even uses X-treme moderateness. We felt the organisers of the X-treme Games were perhaps a little narrow in their choice of X-treme sports to be played at the games, and suggested a few of our own:
Aquatic Bunjee - competitior "goes fishing" with renegade NSW policeman and notorious hit man. They then tie his ankle to antique cooker, and toss it overboard.
X-Treme Wake Bored - competitor does triple shift in semi-trailer from Cairns to Melbourne with only Licensed Coffin Cheater Brand products to sustain them.
X-Treme Bitterness - to qualify, competitor must miss out on an Olympic selection by less than a second, then be forced to sit next to Bruce MacAvaney as "Special Comments" person.
Iron Man - competitor must watch two weeks of Bruce MacAvaney calling the Olympics, whilst keeping all their meals down.
X-Treme Fuckwit - competitor must go into Simpson Desert armed only with vegemite sandwich and God On their Side, whilst precipitating massive taxpayer-funded rescue operation.
X-Treme Masquerade Fuckwit - competitor must get lost at sea during record solo voyage attempt, thus precipitating massive taxpayer-funded rescue operation, but still end up a national hero.
X-Treme Onanism - equipment required: one hotel room door, one belt.
Tri-Hard-Athlon - competitors must swim, bicycle, and sprint 5 miles whilst quoting South Park, using internet buzzwords and getting a Marketing degree.
Kickboxing - First one to spot a female in the audience wins.
X-Treme Marathon - competitor must work 7 days straight in a Surfers Paradise bottle shop during Schoolies Week."

Fourteen Years In Rowville
"This is a song about the Human Condition. Simply that. And to add weight, to what is already the weightiest subject ever tackled in a pop song, we have fused House music with Ted Nugent's 'Yank Me Crank Me But Don't Wake Up And Thank Me'."

"This is our attempt to rip off 'We Didn't Start The Fire' by Billy Joel. His version is much better. Go buy that instead."

So there it is, TISM have spoken. You are no better off than when you started reading, but at least you can make up some shit so you don't actually have to listen to the album. Pop down to the recycled records store, and you'll get five bucks for it. You can go lay-by the new Tricky album.