"I hear Rex Records is thinking about releasing an album of indie groups performing Prince songs. What would U do if U 2 could be Prince for a day? In return, your band will get some much needed attention."

Fort Lauderdale: "Prince, wow, haven't heard that name for a while. I think I would do something shocking to get my career back on track, like wear assless chaps on national TV."

"I think he already tried that."

"Oh, it didn't work? Man, it's worse than I thought. Guess we'll have to rely on the music then. I'd try updating some of the old stuff, like 'Annie Christian' from Controversy. Crank up the guitars, do some serious Steve Vai-type shit and screech like Ethel Merman swallowing Clorox. That should get someone's attention. Are you sure about the chaps thing? What about crotchless?"

Bronze Age Fox: "We're working on 'The Most Beautiful Girl in the World,' throwing in some nice Autechre-style glitch so we can avoid boring people out of their minds wondering what we should do next to stop the monotony."

Hefner: "Dude, Prince is the king. I'm all over that. I think I'd throw together a nice seductive version of 'Controversy.' Pull in a sultry female guest vocalist and lay down a chic bass groove, smooth as purple cashmere."

7 Hurtz with Peaches and Bitch Lap Lap: "We used to dance to 'Sexy Dancer' all the time when we were like 13 or 14, so I think we should force people to listen to a little skit where we come up with a dance for a dance-off with Prince and everyone can remember how excruciatingly uncomfortable it was to be 13 and have nothing else to do with your life but wonder if your chest would ever be as big as Apollonia and you could be Prince's love interest in a big rock movie and sleep with a bunch of Hollywood execs to prove you truly can act and then do the coke thing for a while, burn out, become born again and go on the 'Where Are They Now, Hollywood Reject, Boy I Regret the Things I Did When I Was in My Twenties Tour.' Those days I was 4'10" so Prince was just the right size... so dreamy..."

The Bing Dingleberries: "Who's Prince?"

"Uh, nevermind."

Capitol K: "Prince is God so I'm not sure there's much to contribute, but that 80s technology is pretty outdated. I'd take something like 'Dance On' from '88 and bring it up to date. Add some Amon Tobin-style drill-n-bass drum tracks and some spastic sound splices and I think we'll get something pretty groovy. What do you think? Do the women come with this gig, too?"

Simian: "How about a morose, calliope-style version of 'Under the Cherry Moon'? I think the chugging drudgery of the thing would be a clever 21st century reinterpretation of Prince's obsessions with sexual androgyny, purple, whipped cream and cherries as a sublimated early childhood fondling at the hands of Barney."

Op:1 Bastards: "I'd sing 'If I Was Your Girlfriend' and really sex it up the way a true Finnish white boy can. Then I'd lay it over some Casio organ and keep time with corny 80s handclaps and Afrika Bambaataa beats. Then I'd wear one of those wicked red sun headbands like that guitarist did in the 'Little Red Corvette' video and spank Bobby Z saying, 'Who's your daddy! Who's your daddy!' while Wendy and Lisa dripped hot wax down my back. Or am I asking too much?"

Blue States: "I'd work 'Alphabet Street' into a Marvin Gaye-style soul record. Not too shabby, eh? At least it's different."

Broadway Project w/Jeb Loy Nichols: "I'd sing 'Jungle Love.'"

"That was Morris Day."

"What? Are you serious? I was ready to get my posse together-- 'Hey! Jesse! N-now, Jerome! Yisssssssssss!" So I gotta be that punk, The Kid? If you expect me to slither around humping the floor, it ain't happenin'. That freak's perverted, man. Someone ought to buy that guy a pole and lock him in the room alone for a few hours. You know what Freud says about those hysterical types. I did the same thing for my dog Scrappy-- keeps him off my houseguests. Now, Morris, that guy had class. Should have given this Prince guy the beatdown when he had the chance. Anyway, what do you suggest?"

"How about 'The Ballad of Dorothy Parker'"?

"Fine, send over the chord changes and I'll be sure to fuck it up good. You won't even recognize this shit when I get through with it. I'll make the vocals really distant and rambling and suck all the soul out of it with a super sloppy rhythm track. Just make it into a big wad of crap, word."

Misty Dixon: "I always thought 'The Beautiful Ones' was a gorgeous song. I'd choose that and strip it down, give it more of an acoustic sound, piano, maybe a glockenspiel and pull out all of that crazy screaming at the climax. It won't be Prince's apotheosis-- what do you expect?-- but it will still sound pretty good."

"I don't know if you guys should go through with this. I mean, covering Prince is kind of like covering the Beatles: it sounds like a good idea at the time, but inevitably you just end up embarrassing yourself and everyone realizes why they were so good and you're so, well... sorry, average. Or worse. A few of you sound like you'll contribute something worth hearing and I think it's always helpful to hear an artist's work reinterpreted. Either something interesting comes out, or you gain a new appreciation for the original. You've got great songs to work with, so 75% of the work is taken care of already, but I'm not sure that's worth the price of admission. I hate to inflate the Purple One's ego further, but I'd suggest that my friends stick to the originals, or, if this thing actually hits the shelves, to wait until you stumble across a cut-out in the used bin."

-Nathan Rooney, March 1st, 2002