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DUCKS BARBEQUE LADY


Minneapolis, MN (DE) – Apparently bread isn’t good enough anymore as ducks from a small pond decided they wanted to eat something a little meatier. Police say that they have never seen a crime so vicious and delicious at the same time.

“It was really horrific,” police officer Stan Ochoo told us. “They try to train you for everything at the academy, but nothing could prepare you for this. But, I would be lying if I said I didn’t try a little of the BBQ. My compliments to the chef.”

The victim was 44-year-old Olga Neever, who was a frequent visitor to the small pond. “She would go out there almost everyday on her lunch hour to feed the ducks. She didn’t have any friends, so I think that this was the only thing that brought joy into her miserable existence,” coworker Annie Pie told us.

An eyewitness gave the Duncan Exposé an exclusive and chilling account of the brutal barbeque of Neever. “She sat down on a bench and started throwing bread crumbs to the ducks swimming in the pond. The ducks looked at the crumbs for a while, but none of them ate any. I thought that was really strange,” Clint Haugen told us.

“Then, the ducks started walking closer and closer to the lady until she was surrounded by about fifty of them. At first she seemed happy, but soon she looked quite frightened. I began to eat my lunch and the next thing I know is the ducks have dug a pit and are roasting the lady alive. The whole experience was quite memorizing.”

Investigators on the case are still looking for the ducks, but have narrowed in on two possible motives. “Either human-eating devil ducks from South America flew up here in the Spring or a charismatic duck began a cult who are eating humans to avenge the deaths of millions of ducks a year by humans. Either way I’m really scared that we’ll see more of these types of barbeques in the future,” detective Tony Morpho informed us.

A local food company is hoping to cash in on the notoriety of the crime by selling a new barbeque sauce that they claim is based on the recipe of the sauce the ducks used on Neever. They hope to begin to market the sauce by the fall.

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