Go on then, tell us what's on your mind...
We may even postpone elevenses to respond.

Updated completely irregularly!
Floyd says "Rar!", apparently

Rar! Look - it's Scribes!
Don't run away, small child.
The Scribes won't hurt you. Rar!

AUGUST 25, 1999


To Scribes -

     Why does K. Rool want the banana horde? You never explained this in any of the Kong games, and it is a mystery that I would like to be solved. Also, why did you not include Dixie Kong in your game Donkey Kong 64? Everywhere I go for information on the game, it says NOTHING about Dixie Kong. You should at LEAST include her as a bonus character. Also, could you tell me some of the really stupid ideas about accessing the secret areas in Banjo-Kazooie? I haven't seen ANY of them, and the only rumour I've heard is that you press a bunch of buttons to access them. Nothing funny. A bunch of stupid ideas is what I need to crack me up.
     Klonto 007

"Start the day with a spot of healthy delegation, I always say. Over to the B-K designer, then:
     "K. Rool wants the banana horde because DK will starve and die without it, enabling the crafty croc to occupy the gorilla's cosy treehouse pad. He might also want it as he likes bananas, who knows?
     "Dixie tried to launch an unsuccessful singing career after her stardom in DKC3, but her first single 'Bananas Are A Girl's Best Friend' sunk without trace. Down on her luck, she is reduced to promoting this year's Twycross Annual Parade & Gala to earn 'a few bob'.
     "I'm sorry, I can't remember any of the stupid ideas to access B-K's secret areas, only that they were pretty stupid."


Dear Leaky Little Loveday Lad,
     Recently, I have been patrolling the un-tamed streets of TwigCross (the Twycross of the bizzarro world) under the assumed identity of a sponge named Harry, so as not to startle the inhabitants (consisting mainly of reptiles and extinct amphibious dogs) and have noticed several distinct things. Firstly, everyone in the bizzarro world's TwigCross gets free access to 'FrequentWare' (the bizzarro image of Rare) and play every beta version they have. The bizarro's own 'Dean Kane Kong 64' is set to come out in their equivalent of November (I haven't had time to study the months), but theirs is FULLY politically correct! Nothing like your own horrid image of reality. Also, your disgraced team will never get DK64 done in mere 'years' with the vast amount of errors I have so graciously pinned down for you. Here, have another pageful of points you must correct in a game so riddled with incompetence that even Marco's Pole is shocked. Anyway, secondly, everyone in the bizzarro world seems to hate and despise 'FrequentWare'! Their web site used to get many rude remarks about one of their characters, Topdown the tortoise and the game they released last year, 'Balalayka-Slidewhistlee' didn't sell well at all. Anyway, I shall continue to catalogue my discoveries in the mysterious bizzarro world and keep you up to date on my findings. Also, what does 'documentation' mean? That's what it says you did in the credits of Diddy Kong Racing (which I observed in comparison to 'Georgie Kong Jogging'). I must know to conduct my studies. Thank you.
     -BILL (who no longer writes for Blab Magazine, but is delving deep into the mysteries of the bizzarro world)
     PS Right, right... Knackers... right...
     PPS We're your friend to the family car.
     PPPS Alas poor Eurik... I knew him well (not in the biblical sense, mind...)

Once more, our unstable perspective on life is exposed and we are bathed in ritual humiliation. Apart from the bit about a 'continulumn'. What's one of those when it's at home, eh? Anyway, enough political correctness, so-called 'Bill'. Leave us with some dignity, curse you.
     Oh, and 'documentation' = 'manual'. Pay attention, sonny Jim.
     PS Arse biscuits.
     PPS Comes with two front airbags as standard.
     PPPS Alas poor Yorick, I spelt him correctly.



Dearest Scribes,

     A single question has bothered me lately like a cricket in my underpants. Rare churns out over-achieving creatures by the fistful. What becomes of our most endearing video game friends after their proverbial 15 minutes? (The unlucky ones ineligible for a follow-on assignment.) Perhaps they are whisked off to a 'Reality Engine' retirement home with an all-you-care-to-eat buffet filled with stars, bananas and coins? Or maybe a petting zoo specifically for retired video game creatures? Er, probably not, as petting a virtual hairless creature with skin resembling plastic is hardly comforting. If Tootie didn't make the cut for Banjo-Tooie, please tell her I have a warm place in my heart and home for her.
     Zed

I'm so glad you stopped at "heart and home". Anything else would have been, frankly, inappropriate on this family site where we all love and care for one another in a deep but strictly platonic manner. There haven't actually been that many Rare leading men/women/things consigned to obscurity after a single appearance - and even for those few, there's always hope. Our brains could seize up or something, forcing us to to trawl the archives for all eternity.


Dear People who are so mean that they work for a company that will deny gamers under 17 years of age the chance to play the best game ever,
     According to the ESRB's official site:
     Titles rated "Mature (M)" have content suitable for persons ages 17 and older. These products may include more intense violence or language than products in the Teen category. In addition, these titles may also include mature sexual themes.
     According to this I have compiled the following of possible reasons for PD getting an M rating:
     1. Joanna has a curse-fest.
     2. Rare adds buckets of blood (see Player's Pulse from Nintendo Power Volume No. 110).
     3. Rare takes away Joanna's clothes (").
     I sympathize w/ Mark Willard as I am in the same predicament.
     PLEASE, for the sake of younger gamers who enjoyed GoldenEye. Take Nintendo's advice and censor some of this.
     -Jim Robbins

The time has come... for a comedy hook to slip around the PD designer's neck and drag him on from stage left. Witness his elaboration:
    "1. No, this doesn't happen, I assure you. No murfurn hoes in this game...
     "2. I wouldn't call it 'buckets', but there is a bit of blood when you shoot someone now; not enough in itself to cause a rating boost...
     "3. In yer dreams."
     But at the end of the day, PD has never been anything other than a mature-themed game, so we don't have a problem with the censors' rating - especially with the media spotlight trained on the industry of late. Official PD team word: "Sorry, but that's how it is, and it's unlikely to change before the game is released."


Hello Rare,

     I've been a dedicated fan of this site since the beginning (still kicking like a big cow, eh?) and the Scribes section has turned into a whole other animal. I mean, we even have romance springing in here! This is one of a few times I've written to you, but you must hear me on this, friend... WINKY HAS TO BE IN DK64!!!! I mean, we're talking a difference in sales, a spike in the sales of systems! You have to face it: Winky made DKC the mind-boggling game it was. Without that frog (and perhaps the sheer musical genius of D. Wise and his Rare synthesizers) DKC would be a forgotten game about some 800 pound gorilla. And bananas and such. I mean sure, it had real gameplay, but the dense video game consumer public wouldn't have noticed THAT! You can't expect much out of the average player these days... And plus... I bet you Winky will become a cult favorite, just like Tip Tup, except Winky's cooler! He's got style! And he keeps his mouth *shut*. Therefore you won't have to go pay someone to plod into a recording booth and say "Argh!" "Ugh!" "Whooaaa!" "Thanks Fox I thought they..." ...wait nevermind. Well you understand what I'm trying to say.
     And I also want to comment on the recent drama, unfolding before the Scribes' very eyes!: "...and hurried down to Snippets with a warm feeling in my breast." Kat, dear, you talk like this and *not* expect our pal Flea to fall hopelessly in love? You'd have to be off your trolley to not accept this guy with open arms! I don't think you'll find a guy as dedicated as him. And isn't that what every girl wants? I just think you're confused, and the warm feelings in your breast are clouding your good judgement. But I feel for you, friend.
     Cheers, Keep up the Kicking,
     Richard

Sorry to disappoint you, my good man, what with you being such a fine upstanding long-term follower of Rarewhere's humble stupidity, but I don't believe Mr. Winky (possible first name Tinky) is scheduled to put in an appearance in DK64. Still, if it dies on its arse in terms of sales figures, we'll know where we went wrong. Out of interest, what does Winky have that Expresso doesn't?
     You're all going to look a bit weird if Kat turns out to be some strapping great 7 foot rugby player with a skull tattoo on his forehead.


Dear Ed,
      Hi.
     Atrus
     P.S. Look, not only have I managed to include many P.S.'s, but I also discluded the body of my letter.
     P.P.S. When is Twelve Tales: Conker 64 going to be released?
     P.P.P.S. Why is Twelve Tales taking so long to be released? Wait, let me guess. The whole Rare staff has been too busy working on PD, JFG, DK64, and Mr. Pants 64. Am I right?
     P.P.P.P.S. When is Banjo-Tooie going to be released?
     A.R.S.E. I got tired of typing all those damned P's, so I invented a new P.S. (A.R.S.E.=Another Really Short Exposition)

Hi.
     PS Yes, very impressive indeed.
     PPS Ah, you think that posing pertinent questions in PS format is somehow more likely to get you a serious answer? Not ruddy likely.
     PPPS No, it's undergoing redesign shenanigans, as we've said before. Hang on - that's sort of a serious answer. I take it back.
     PPPPS Fish and chips.
     ARSE Don't give people ideas, man.


Dear Scribes,

     What the heck happened to Floyd? In all the screenshots he appears to be a cute little blue guy with a big smile, and then the new wallpaper comes out, and it looks like Floyd is going to eat ya! "Rar!" says Floyd now, "Rar!"
     ExoByte

He does, too. Look, he's doing it up there at the top of the page. "Rar!", he's saying. "Rar!" Does it frighten you? Well, if you'd read up on Mr. Floyd you'd know that he started life in Mizar's troops, so the slightly scary appearance is obviously a remnant of those dark times. Look, that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it.


Dear Scribes,
     Mathematically speaking, using the equation found in the July 19 issue of Scribes, the fact I am not an AOL user means I can abuse you as much as I like and , punc'tuate?! as. badly as I want as the value for AOL = 0, and as punctuation and abuse level are multiplied by this number, and everything multiplied by 0 is 0, my abuse and punctuation don't count. So I will call you a silly fool and get away with it and my chances of this letter being printed does not diminish.
     Oh, and in the letter below, you make another mistake by saying KAOS isn't a cyborg, but he is coz Donkey (and presumably Diddy) Kong is/are stuck inside and controlling, and they're both as organic as a computer generation can be.
     So I'll say ner and finish.
     A Mooing Cow

Up your arse, Mooing Cow. KAOS wasn't a cyborg - he was just a robot with some monkeys in. Very different story.
     Last month's scary equation was provided by our very own GE/PD designer, so let's turn your 'findings' over to him for further analysis:
     "Extrapolating from your 'discovery', we would find that there is a certain observation implied by the equation: if you are not an AOL user it is most likely possible that your use of multiple punctuation is in context/ironic, therefore that particular part of your slate is wiped clean. Similarly, if you are an AOL user who knows how to punctuate at a lower frequency rate, there stands a chance that you have something interesting to say. Now go away."


Dear Scribes,
     I'm a bit confused on some of the issues surrounding dynastic succession in the Donkey Kong games. If Cranky Kong was the original Donkey Kong, and the current Donkey Kong is his son, is the current DK the same infant gorilla who starred in Donkey Kong Junior? I have also seen references to DK being Cranky's grandson -- in that case, what became of the heroic Donkey Kong Jr.? Did he vanish mysteriously in order to provide a plot cliche for one of his son's future adventures?
     Perhaps most confusing of are the events of the often-overlooked Donkey Kong III. To recap, Donkey Kong, Duke of Gloucester, usurps the throne after the death of King Mario VI, after murdering his nephews with vicious barrellings. However, he is betrayed by Lord Stanley, his chamberlain, who pumps his arse full of bug spray at the Battle of Bosworth Field, giving rise to the famous cry, "A frog! A frog! My kingdom for a frog!" However, since there are no animal crates to be found, the villainous ape meets his end.
     I have also heard it rumored that Diddy is, in fact, the lost Dauphin, and therefore related in some manner to Nintendo's next console.
     Roderick Arbuthnot - Specialist in Simian Drama, Ape Research Society of England (A.R.S.E.)

You're being far too highbrow for the likes of our readership. You also share the disconcerting Winky fetish that seems to be emerging from the woodwork at this late stage, I see. As far as I know, 'our' DK is the son of Cranky, which does indeed make him the original DK Jr. all grown up: so if you see Cranky referred to as DK's granddad anywhere, just cover your eyes and hum loudly until it goes away.


Dear Scribes 'Editor',
     I was reading through the Scribes archive, and was appalled at some of the things I found. First of all, in the most recent copy of Scribes, you yourself said:
     "And how can you be so sure that we don't base our game characters on people we actually know? Apart from the ones with fur, obviously. That'd be stupid."
     You're obviously saying it would be stupid to base game characters on people that you know who have fur, which is blatantly discriminatory. I'm not familiar with the exact discrimination laws in the United Kingdom, but I'm sure the courts would be none too happy to hear about your stance on game characters and fur. I'm willing to forget all of this in exchange for a beta copy of the Mr. Pants RPG you're developing.
     In a quick read-through of the archives I gathered that you gave up on the James Bond movie license because it was too restrictive, and instead went with the Beastmaster license for Perfect Dar. Not to belittle the fine acting skills of Marc Singer, but did you ever wonder why the Beastmaster people are willing to let you take more liberties? Maybe you thought the original was alright, but have you ever seen Beastmaster 2: Through the Portal of Time or Beastmaster 3: The Eye of Braxus? The answer is in them. They're atrocious, and I'm sure they thought any change would be a change for the better.
     Is there any truth to the spurious rumor that Perfect Dar(k?) will have a Multi-player weapon that causes the screen to flicker at an appropriate rate to induce seizures in your opponents?
     Brian Polis
     P.S. I have all of the cheats for Goldeneye except the Runway. My best time is 25:17. Is there any advice the developers can give me on how anyone could get near 5 minutes on this?

The world may not be advanced (read: paranoid) enough to have official Furrist laws as yet, but I'm sure they're in the pipeline. Meanwhile, we'll continue to abuse the system and make up completely original furry characters whenever we need them rather than pay out loyalties to any real furry people.
     I'm not ashamed to admit that I've seen both the Beastmaster sequels, and they are indeed a bunch of old arse. Wings Hauser, eh? Where's he these days? And why did nobody notice that skinny Candyman bloke popping up and pretending to be the huge bugger with the stick from the first film? Alright, I'll stop.
     PS Afraid not - we can only manage around the half-hour mark ourselves.


Dear Scribes,

     First of all, I'm disgusted at all the little GameShark huggers who have unlocked all of those OTHER secrets in Banjo-Kazooie. You know, the ones you didn't tell us about and were supposed to be a surprise. Well, thanks to them the surprise is ruined. I hope if they try using Banjo-Tooie it will indeed not work, or will cause both games to be forever ruined. Please, you guys must come up with a way to stop them! Reward the ones that waited!
     Second of all, I'm disgusted at all the little bad review writers of Conker's Pocket Tales huggers who say the game is horrible. IGN Pocket gave the game a 4.0 rating (out of ten)! What's with that? Sure the damned Acorn People may knock the game down 0.5 points, but c'mon! I sat down with the game and couldn't stop playing when I first got my hands on it! Even when my house caught on fire; I was shot in the batch with a rifle, and my appendix bursted; I still couldn't stop playing! And the fun of beating the Game Boy version and then beating the GBC version makes the replay value double! It's way better than "Link's Dream" and "Pockemonsters" or whatever the hell those no name games are called. If you don't make a sequel to it, I will spring my new world order on the world, causing mass destruction from the countries of Canada to Chad! Fear me! FEAR ME!
     Third of all, can't you put a limit on how many times DK appears in a non Rare game? Sure he's owned by Nintendo, but you guys remade him. While he's made cameos in fun games, it's getting ridiculous. Mario Chess? Mario Anal Probing? Mario's Fun With Transvestites? Tsk tsk.
     Fourth of all, we're never really going to see Twelve Tales: Conker 64 are we? It's been more than two years since you first announced it. The only reason I think it's being delayed is because you needed more time to drop in subtle vulgar jokes. Just to throw everyone for a loop, you should make the ESRB give it an "Adult" rating. The game intro could involve Conker peeing on the naked corpse of Howard Lincoln.
     Fifth of all, WHAT'S THE STORY OF DONKEY KONG 64!!??? TELL US!!!!!!! If it involves bananas or female heisting, you guys deserve to get your cans smashed.
     SirSlush2

Ah, Slush, my good man. You've been quiet lately - well, there was one point where over a week went by without a single mail from you. We were beginning to think you were dead or something. Glad you liked CPT, anyway, and sorry to hear your appendix "bursted" while you were playing. Not an intentional side-effect, I assure you.
     When it comes to Nintendo mascots, DK's been around at least as long as Mario so it's understable that he's going to be a staple fixture in these multi-character outings. What's the problem? Eh? You dissin' the monkey, boy?
     Yes, you will see Twelve Tales eventually. Don't count out any possibilities. The current redesign is pretty radical, and I don't just mean that in the Ninja Turtles sense.
     I don't know about you, but my money's definitely on a large-scale banana theft in DK64.


Hi,
     I heard that you guys actually released a game once, is it true?
     March, June, September, October - Here's some screen shots to get you excited, oh wait, think we'll delay again, oops, sorry about that, we're sure you understand... Well guess what Rare I don't, I respect your talents and professionalism and of course I'll buy JFG when it's released, but f_ck you guys are frustrating.
     The only reason I haven't left Nintendo behind is Rare. I'm a programmer who can afford to buy a game if I want it, this year I have bought one. This does not make me happy. Especially considering I'm waiting on five from you, I assume Twelve Tales will star Conker's son?
     Congratulations by the way on scheduling all of your games (along with everyone else's) on top of each, so that the enjoyment of one is bound to suffer as the next big thing is released.
     Did you know people play games all year, not just at Christmas, astonishing yet true.
     I guess what I'm saying is don't say anything until you're almost ready to release... you're pis_ing me off.
     Mark Willis

Sigh. If it upsets you that much, nobody's forcing you to wait - but no amount of hassle like this is going to make us release a game before it's properly finished. That's just how it is. Dismiss it if you like, but at the end of the day it'd be the public who ended up with less than they bargained for. Maybe if you saw the time sheet of one of the JFG or DK64 staffers at the moment, you'd realise just how damn hard we're working to get these games out. Thanks for your 'support'.


Dear Scribes,
     I just recently found this site and its letters page for all the stupid and absurd questions and rants the visitors can think of about Rare, its games and this site. Well, I have one. In fact, I have several of them, but I'll spare you from a long letter and send others whenever I remember to (I can predict you'll make a sarcastic crack about this... Go ahead! I love it!). But enough blabbering already - my question:
     In Banjo-Kazooie, there are these three characters: Tiptup, the turtle, Tanktup, the giant turtle, and Histup, Rubee's snake. All of these have their name ending with "-tup". Any particular reason for this? Was there a slight creativity problem, or is it because they are all reptiles?
     What does "tup" mean, anyway? Another British slang word? Uh, I guess that was more than one question...
     Panu Vihavainen

Sarcastic cracks? Me? Not at all. I'll just make fun of your name instead. Why didn't you go back and put some work into the long-suffering RoboCop franchise instead of wasting everyone's time and money on Starship Troopers, man?
     Look, here's a Banjo designer fella to sort you out. "The origin of Tiptup's name will be revealed soon... Tanktup has been out 'on the sauce', hence his name. Histup was out with Tanktup."
     Reminds me of a joke, that. Giant turtle walks into a bar with a snake on his shoulder, says to the barman... er... ahh... no, sorry, it's gone.


Dear Scribes,
     I've just sat down and read about 10 issues of Scribes back to back and now my brain hurts! I just want to throw into the pot a British slang word that no one's mentioned yet. Goolies! There, that felt better and it's a better word than knackers! Also, maybe you should be considering the phrase 'ring piece' now instead of arse as arse is getting rather passé at the moment.
     Oh and the obligatory PD/DK64/B-T/JFG question...
     Will you be releasing those games here in the UK first? Go on, I think you owe it to us...
     Regards,
     Si
     PS Message to SirSlush2: "Fight the power Dude! You make me glad I'm English!"


No way is goolies better than knackers, you 80s throwback. Tsk. The traditional response to the PAL question revolves around the extra time necessary to properly convert a game to the PAL format instead of just leaving it with whacking great borders and a fair old dollop of slowdown, but then again you just never know what's going to happen with some of those future releases, do you?


Dear strange individual:

     There seems to be some manner of dispute over what Clanker is. A cyborg? A magic robot? A frankenfish? Well... I'm not exactly certain myself, and I've examined the problem inside and out, as it were. Let's look at the facts. Clanker is obviously part mechanical and part organic, so there's the cyborg bit right there. But beyond that... well, he has gills, sharp teeth, and a vertical tailfin, and is structured generally very much like a shark, but he has a blowhole through which he can breathe air, after the manner of cetaceans (marine mammals; whales and dolphins and the like). An unresolvable paradox? Perhaps not. I offer this theory: Clanker started out as either a fairly standard, if overlarge, shark, or perhaps several sharks, whose remains were surgically combined into one. (I would further theorize that he could be an abominably altered Lord Jabu-Jabu from Zelda 64, if not for the fact that Jabu-Jabu's tail structure is quite different from Clanker's.) The fact that he required such extensive cybermechanical augmentation suggests the latter; simply modifying his digestive system to process refuse wouldn't have required that much machinery. A respiratory system, fully mechanical in nature or perhaps harvested from an unfortunate whale, was installed so the organic bits could continue to recieve oxygen even when the water was choked with bio-hazardous debris (banana peels, regurgitation, half-eaten Arse bacon, Sega games, etc). Probably some immune system augmentation was done, so the general filthiness of the surroundings didn't result in constant severe illness. A reanimation spell courtesy of Gruntilda brought the whole business to life. Why she bothered with all this when she could have bought an industrial trash compactor is beyond me; obviously she simply wanted to torture the poor shark. (Maybe he has something to do with Snacker? Possibly Gruntilda has an entire pack of sharks in her unwilling thrall? I can just see it--Banjo-Tooie: Liberty Of The Sharks. Now there's a game idea. Much better than Tiptup 64.) I have seen a cyborg created in this manner (although for a much different purpose), and it was quite efficient, although the reanimation spell had the unintended side effect of putting the souls which formerly inhabited the dead bodies into the one new cyborg body. If Clanker was created from more than one shark, he most likely suffers from something resembling multiple personality disorder, which wouldn't help matters for our unfortunate cyber-shark.
     ~Wilek Nereus
     P.S.: At the risk of destroying the credibility that I have so meticulously attempted to establish in the above treatise, I will state my opinion that Proximity Arsebolts is actually a rather interesting title for a game, or at least something in a game. A weapon, a level, something.
     P.P.S.: Oh, and Arse.


From what I could gather, Clanker actually started life in the development process as a bona fide whale, becoming more of a 'whark' as time passed and bits and pieces such as fins and the vertical tail were bolted on. So there you go - we've covered up any semblance of anatomical inaccuracy by simply labelling him 'a bit of both'. Ingenious, no? (We might be on shakier ground when it comes to explaining the mechanical bits, mind.)


Dear Scribes,
     Congratulations. Rare is, in my view, the best third-party manufacturer of console games, period. Innovative, interesting and always fun to play. My modest collection of N64 games includes every title made by Rare.
     I was quite disappointed with the recent announcement relating to the revised characters in Jet Force Gemini. In my view, the "new look" of Vela is patronizing to men, insulting to women and offensive to everyone. The decision to portray Vela with disproportionately enhanced breasts, a wafer-thin body and short, tight skirt sadly perpetuates the objectification of women, and young girls in particular. She's a child, for Christ's sake.
     I realize that the decision was probably based on the demography of your target audience. But it's still quite disappointing to see a company renowned for its standard of excellence release a character that is so cliché (haven't we seen her a thousand times before?) and derogatory. Surely, you can set a better example and help mitigate the Neanderthal treatment of women.
     I can't wait for Donkey Kong.
     James Roberts

Clearly you're joking. Clearly nobody in their right mind would accuse the cannon-toting, death-defying heroine Vela of being "patronising" in a time when you can't move for far more artificially promiscuous and incapable 'damsels in distress' wailing at every turn. She's not "a child", and it's frankly ridiculous that you're taking issue with her now when she wore exactly the same uniform in her previous, younger incarnation. "Disproportionally enhanced breasts"? Excuse me? The character has been aged. These things happen. And you should really try playing the game before leaping to conclusions about our motives. In the meantime, comments from the rest of our readership on the validity of Mr. Roberts' claims are welcome, though they'll no doubt be dismissed as the rantings of naive children...


Annwyl yr ysgribl,
     Dwi'm meddwl mae Americanwrau ydy penbwl mawr.... beth? Oh right no Welsh, better stop using my dictionary then. Shame the closest I could get for Scribes was scribble but it's accurate enough really.
     Hurrah for references to The Mary Whitehouse Experience. Milky Milky. Oh the hysterics. But see that game where you run around aimlessly for hours on end?
     Yesss.
     And you shoot lots of pointless enemies who'll turn up again any time soon just to annoy you?
     I see them.
     And all that blood that comes out when you shoot them with the hilariously oversized weapon?
     I am aware of that phenomenon.
     Well that's your favourite game that is, you wanted that for Christmas, oh yum Turok you say mmm mmm mmmmm.
     Shut up, shut up! See that GoldenEye?
     I have partaken in said game before now.
     Umm, it's quite good really isn't it?
     Just wondering if there's going to be any Banjo-Tooie news any time soon. It'd be nice to see some screenshots, or haven't you managed to do the superb graphics the ending spoke of yet? I ask because I went back to the original yesterday in order to find some tips to give my friend about beating Grunty, she being quite hard and all. Tragically I'd saved it after completion so I just got the end sequence (including Mumbo's irritatingly wobbly hand holding the picture). Luckily I had a saved game where I could go fight Grunty, alas I got beaten when I reached the big Jinjo. Drat the hardness of it all. Someone must have been in a bad mood when they made the last section of the fight with Grunty. I know, let's give them a few tiny seconds to fire accurately and repeatedly. Ho hoho, that'll teach them to persevere through the game.
     Will there be any special levels like the last one whose name escapes me, where the level changes according to season, I really like it. And you shall answer this not any designer person because they never give any good answers and your lies will do nicely.
     Also what suffix or prefix will Nintendo's next console have so they can stick it on every other game. Super Mario DVD perhaps? Mario Kart Ultra? Pilotwings Brand Spanking New And Far Too Powerful With Some Flashy Lights? Cheese Flavoured Metroid.
     J. Edwards
     Oh and you better be working on Head Over Heels 64 or else there'll be trouble. (Despite you not owning the licence so working on it will also cause trouble... mwahahahahahaha.)

Cheese Flavoured Metroid, eh? Like it. Who wouldn't go for a prefix like that?
     Surely it's reasonable enough to make a game's final boss damned hard. If you've made it that far, it's unlikely that you'll be too cack-handed to stand a fighting chance, after all. Banjo-Tooie isn't due out until next year, and seeing as people are going to complain whether we give out info and shots right now or keep it all to ourselves until the release date's practically upon us, we may as well just start dishing it out when we feel the time's right. Be patient, darlings.
     You see that Gruntilda? That's your Mum, that is.


Dear Scribes,

     Sorry but I have a GoldenEye question. No, keep reading! Don't delete this message! Please! Nooooo!
     ...
     Ok, I guess this letter hasn't been deleted. Good. Now answer this: I've played GoldenEye with a new GameShark (aka Action Replay) code lately, and I've been able to see some objects that you can't usually see in the game. I saw a phone, a fire extinguisher and an alarm with two bells. Hum, I guess you know the question? No? Argh. I just want to know where these objects were used (in what levels), and what was their utility.
     I don't really think you can answer this question without giving an aimless reply, so please, ask a programmer who worked on GoldenEye about it. Then I will stop sending you questions related to GoldenEye. Good deal? No. But answer anyways.
     -- Oddjob

The designer, he no like no GameShark.
     "I refer you instead to any of the past letters that have the words 'GoldenEye' and 'Gameshark' in them. If you just paraphrase the answer I'm sure it'll work out the same as if I wasted more of my time on your letter."


Dear Scribble De dumm dumm dumps,

     French isn't as bad as French-Canadian. There, I said it, now my mother is going to punish me.
     Well, well, well. "Power_Made_Flesh" is stealing my "Game Name Theorem." I don't like that. I don't like that one bit. Punish him, I will.
     I've decided to sell The Stocwaldd Trilogy in a box set.
     Stocwaldd Bohegkt: Return to Stocwaldd and
     Retro Cindervat: The Aftermath
     Neat huh? Look for a special Cameo from everyone's favorite half-naked survey-man.
     I find it hard to believe that no one has commented on my name yet.
     -Amanda Marie Schroeder, a.k.a Kablooie, evil twin of Kazooie (Bwaa ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaaaaaaa!)
     PS: The laughter is part of the name.
     PPS: Banjo, Kazooie, and Gruntilda are dancing on my wall.
     PPPS: If you sold a blow-up doll of Joanna Dark with every copy of PD, I bet you'd sell more.


Don't you go infringing on Mr. Pants' copyrights, now. He's all booked up with celebrity cameos for the foreseeable future. I'll have a word with him about the whole Stocwaldd gig.
     PS Sorry.
     PPS Throw a shoe at them, then, like they do in the cartoons.
     PPPS Actually we were planning to do that for Banjo-Tooie (No we weren't. - The Management)


I heard that Conker 64 keeps getting delayed because you're making the game into a porno starring Bob Sagot, any truth to this?
TBone10183

There might be. If we knew who Bob Sagot was. Should we?


I eat with a spoon. Knives and forks are dangerous and should be banned from society.
Slartibartfast

Then again, Tusk can do some nasty things with a spoon.


Somewhere in RareWhere (I don't remember where), you said that all JFG characters, except Floyd, are star names. King Jeff? I've never heard of the King Jeff star or even the Jeff star. What's going on?!
DemonChild

Never heard of the Jeff Star? I find that hard to believe...


Is there an easy way to get Invincibility?
TimysPad

Don't get philosophical on me. This isn't the time or place.


Who? Who is Brian Boitano? Where the hell were you in 1988? Brian Boitano happens to be the 1988 Olympic Gold Medalist for men's figure skating.
Rocky

Oh. Clearly I was somewhere more interesting in 1988.


If Perfect Dark has someone as stupid as Natalya in it I'm not getting the game!
David Trinh

Consider yourself on Mr. Roberts' blacklist, Cro-Magnon scum.


Just to let you know, I have a small arse! It looks like this: (_)_), only bigger!
Arse-man

But that's already huge! You malformed sideshow freak.


Jorjon the magic frito denies all 6 counts of manslaughter.
The curious latino hair follicle

Whoa. That's definitely one too many Snippets for me...