Facts: The Quote:
Its something I said to Newt when he mentioned that Emily and Nate were having problems with their relationship, he thought it was pretty damn funny.
Funny thing is I don't remember most the really funny things I say. With that said I think it needed to be the quote for this stuff.
What's a Mitaphane:
If you didn't know Mitaphane is my email,AIM, and my general purpose handle I go by. It doesn't mean anything though, it's just
A collection of syallables I liked and I strung together to make a cool sounding name. It's pronounced "Mee-ta-feign"
It's always fun to open up a internet conversation with this little bit of text. It could mean two different things depending on what you're thinking.
It can be a set of eyes denoting that I see you, or a set of boobs. Coincidentially, they just happen to be my favorite parts of the opposite sex
though I can't really tell which one of the two are better...
Shawn Needs a Pool Table Fund
Current count as of 8/09/02: 2597
Another one of my stupid little idiosyncrasies is I like to collect Cancer(Camel) Cash. I have made it my personal goal to earn enough to get a pool table despite the fact that I know they don't have one in their catalog.
I don't smoke either, but considering all the people I know it hasn't been that hard to collect so many.
If the Name Don't Rhymes It Ain't Mine...
I don't know how long it's been since I've heard people mention that my name rhymes. When you think about it, it doesn't really rhymes all that much.
They both share the same "unnn" sound(best way I can describe it), I guess that's good enough. I can't remember when it was but one
email I sent I signed with Shawn "If the Name Don't Rhyme It Ain't Mine" Conn, alot of people liked it so it stuck. I also use "The Man With the Name that
Rhymes" because it makes me sound like a James Bond villian. Unfortunately, my criminal mastermindary(if that's a word) has been limited to accidently
becoming a Criminal Mastermind when I drank a potion as a Mad Scientist in The Sims (which sucked because the hours of work were horrible compared to a Mad Scientist...go figure).
Oh yeah, there was also that other incident...But yeah I don't think I'm ready for World Domination yet.
I Didn't Piss on the Truck!:
While I'm mentioning the incident that happened at the last Riverhouse party.
I should take the time to defend myself. First of all despite what Officer "Asshole" Ueding says I was pissing right next to the truck. That is parallel with it.
When he approached me, I was facing away from him. I couldn't see him. If I was facing any other way I would of been able to see him and you can bet your ass that I wouldn't have let him slam my ass on the truck to cuff me.
But he did, because I wasn't able to see him. In fact I didn't realize it was a cop until he was trying to cuff me. The second thing that was bullshit with that report was him saying that I "was verbally abusive."
I remember saying only few things to the guy. I asked him what he was doing when he was cuffing me, I asked him what was he arresting me for when he put me in the car, then I asked him what had he been up to tonight on the way to the station.
I guess wanting to know things consitutes being "verbally abusive." Whatever. I wouldn't feel bad at all if this guy got shot. He can go to hell for all that I'm concerned.
Being and Doing Well:
One the phrases I like to saying in passing to people lately is "be well." It's stemed from reading about Aristotle in Ethics. I don't think many people realize it but ethics is the study of happiness(Depending on the theory either just one person's or everybody happiness in general). Aristotle talks alot about the "greatest good" something that is always worth choosing, not for the sake of something else, and that a life with it would make a person content with life. In practical life, there isn't one thing that will fulfill this need to be happy. Rather, it's a combination(that varies depending on the person and the time) that fulfills this need for happiness. One of these things he said that's needed for the "greatest good" is that of having a ethically sound life. Not only enjoying life, but making enjoyable for others is a key component for complete happiness that this "greatest good" provides. In essence, it's living and doing well. It's that phrase that was genesis for me saying "be well."
Normally, I hate pictures of me. I don't even like the person I see in the mirror. If you go through the Jeff High year books of '94-'98 I think you'll find one of them actually
has me in it and the only reason that it was in the year book because I think that was the year they used your ID picture if you didn't get
pictures take of you for school. My sophmore year of high school picture is latest picture my family has of me. With that said, there are 3 picture of myself that I truly like. Strangely enough
there all ones in which I have my lab coat on: There's the silly one that I took for my SBB Bio,
the one that was taken at a party at Steve's during summer 2000, and the one Emily took of me
that night of Jeff High prom back in 2000.
What I've learned from being on this planet for 22 years:
If you take a common adjective+noun and reverse them and stick a "of" in between the words you'll it make sound 10 times as important.
I noticed this while on the Maryland trip with Steve,Claire, James, and Colin. I saw a life preserver on the bay in Baltimore and it said "Life Ring."
Had they called it "Ring of Life" it would have been in a mueseum somewhere...
"Distinctive Physical Markings: All"
I dunno if anyone's noticed, but I have. My left, your right, eyebrow as big part of it missing on the end. I'm not sure, but I think it was from when I shaved
my eyebrows back in my sophmore year of high school. I think they didn't grow back right or something. I dunno why I did, I guess I just wanted to see what it looked like
it was pretty funny looking. The strange thing was most people didn't recognize it until I need something very noticable to point them out. Man I looked funny,
I wish I had a picture of it.
The Pope Raisin:
Usually I throw out stuff that has no immediate value to me as I don't like to feel cluttered up with junk in my life but I sometimes do keep things for other than their
utilitarian purposes. Take the random shit you'll find sitting next to my desk for example. Among the random figurines and stuff animals you'll find this prized item of mine: The Pope Raisin.
Named so because it was signed by the pope. And not just by any random pope, but Pope John Paul II(the sequel that's an equal).
Most people laugh when I'm tell them this(especially Peter Clark who I thought I was going to die after laughing for over 30 minutes about it) but its true I even have the certificate of authenticity.
The Genesis of the SBB website:
If you didn't know it by now, I'm the webmaster of stevesbackyardboxing.org. It's been said that one must experience great tradegy to achieve greatness.
This is just as true for the creation of the website. Way back during the summer of '00 we had a plan to create the website but no one had went about doing it.
Well thanks to my laziness, I ended up not attending school that semester. That combined with some other factors I don't wanna go into lead me into quite the
depression that semester. During those few months I tried to forget about what made feel so terrible and focused my energy on the creation of
the website. In the end things turned out for the best and much joy was to be had.
I only have a few passions in life and if I was to list the top one it would have to be video gaming. Ever since I was 7 I've been playing video games for a significant portion of my life.
Since about around the time of high school, I've seriously considered doing it as a career. Of course, it's not as easy as that consider how a few companies to work at to make games.
But nevertheless I consider a goal in life. I have lots of ideas for games and I have pretty good scope what's needed for making a game. The only problem is finding the right people to align myself with.
I mentioned to Ted once before that I've learned alot about filmmaking from making short movies with him. Working on projects like that with people help me get inspired.
In the same way I need to find some people that are interested in taking intiative to learn how to code for building a video game. Maybe then will I really be able to pursue my goal instead of talk about it.
I always consider myself a type a person open to any genre of music. For the most part it's true, but I guess I do have a favorite genre. If you look at my MP3 collection, I think about 2/3 of it is video game music.
I guess it really isn't a surprise seeing how I play video games so much, but I don't think it's just video game music but electronic music in general that I'm partial to.
Why? I don't know what it is about it, I guess it's the idea of having music that can be generated out of computers has some appeal to me. It doesn't mean I don't like non-electronic music (some the best video game songs I have are actually orchestrated), it just has a big appeal to me...
Funny/Cool Words to Say:
Requiem, Retribution, Panties, Pancake, Zamboni, Monkey, BLAT!, Bizzo!, butt sex
Me Top Ten Lists! Movies
1. Cemetary Man
2. Fight Club
3 The Matrix
6. Clockwork Orange
7. Being John Malkovich
9. The Fifth Element
10. Falling Down
2. Deus Ex
3,4,5. Final Fantasy VI, VII, and X
6. Chrono Trigger
7. Persona: Revelations
8. Baldur's Gate I,II, and throne of Bhaal
9. Legacy of Kain
10. Chrono Cross
Who is the Man With the Name that Rhymes?
Wednesday, August 14, 2002
So boxing was yesterday. It was fantastic. The past few days have been most excellent. I don't know if I'm out of the rut I was in a long time ago. Last night I was starting to feel really horrible. Part of it was the pounding headache from boxing, the other part was well...just other issues that I have. I don't really want to get into but it's nothing new.For a bit I thought I was feeling better(I decided I was probably feeling so bad because of the lack of food I had that day) but it got alot worse later. I didn't shake that off for a while. Later on that night, Alex came by to talk about life, love, etc. That kind of helped get my mind off things until I fell asleep.
Here it is the next day. I feel better now but I still feel like there's stuff to be done. Aside from getting my stuff ready, I've got to meet all the people I could possibly never see again. I'm not really sure that's for certain but this is my last year and I do think things will change come next year. I'm hoping to make things alright before I leave, Tie up all lose ends and what not. My work here is not done and I've got 2 days to fix it. We'll see what happens...
I'm back in a better condition since I last left. It only took about week and half to do at that, whatever that means. Of course that isn' really helping anything. I'm not really happy with myself and I don't think that's going to change anytime soon. Alex and I went with Will and Evan to go do "shenanigans". It was fun time but when I say "...I went..." I mean I just followed them around. I didn't really have much to provide or say about what was going on. I shouldn't even went along, I'm a pretty boring person.
We went along with some people just out of Trinity High School. We all fit into Jon's car driving around looking for shenanigans to do. There was seven of us, Jon, Paul, Elly, Will, Evan, Alex and I. We ended up doing all most nothing but driving but it was fun. I could have done with Elly though. She was quite loud and annoying. All she said was stupid shit. It was damn funny to watch Jon and others to tell her to shut up or boss her around. I guess you could say that it was demeaning to her or whatever but she deserved it. Anyone that acts that annoying/stupid/womanly deserves in my opinion. My respect only dropped for her further( after the bitch stole the back seat) when Evan made her totally forget about being pissed at him, Will and others just by holding her and doing other sorts of flirty things. From what I gather I guess the reason she only acts so dumb is because it gets her attention. I guess it might be a different story if I thought she was attractive but I didn't so all she was to me was loud and annoying. That gets me to another topic....
Women are like men, but stupid...oh and they have boobs and vaginas instead of penises. Certainly not all women are like this but I can think a good number that if they were a guy the would have no guy friends because they complain about rather silly things, don't take the time to figure how to do thing(instead having someone else do it for them), and they emotions overtake rational actions. The point I'm getting to is that the only reason men hang out with women is because they want to bang them or just have something nice to look at. It pretty depressing when I think about that. I guess it one those facts of life thing that I should know and not think twice about but it seems that it doesn't have to be like that. I certainly think that there are women out there that don't act like that and that most of my friends that are women are like that but it seems that I end up being wrong at some point....
Turning back to self-introspection...
I'm lonely I've been looking at myself lately thinking about being lonely and all that. I think for a while I've confused love and sex. If I really find someone totally sexy I mean not only do I find them physically attractive but I like their character too. But if I like their character then that must mean I like them too so I must somewhat be in love. There's probably a problem with that arguement somewhere which caused me frustration down the line. I don't feel like analyzing it right now but I leave to the reader to ponder or whatever.
I'm boring Aside from that, another thing I don't like about me is that I become to absorbed in what I'm doing. I realize if I'm doing an activity they nothing else matters to me. If it's talking then I focus on thinking about topics, replies, tangents, stories, etc. If I'm listening then I focus on the story, details, characters, the person telling me, etc. Whatever it is, I don't like to half-ass it and I pay my full attention toward it. I find that it gets me caught up in things alot that get me stuck. Just noticing details of things around me and can get me caught up in that and I'll find my mind wandering.
I'm not fun to be around That's probably why I never really say much around big groups. Not that I don't have much to say, it's just that I'll find myself intrigued by the dynamics of the conversation. I'll focus on that instead of reacting to whatever is going on in the group.
I don't know what to think about these things. They are what make me...me but they are also what make me unhappy. Does that mean I'm just an unhappy person? [+++++_____]
Sunday, August 04, 2002
Back again...same shit,new month. Well here it is August, the summer's almost over. For me I think it's about done. Lately I haven't felt a good thing to focus on. I guess I'm not feeling bad as I was last time I posted but I'm certainly not feeling good. I was thinking about why I felt so bad last week. I think I came to the conclusion that for a long awhile I was proping myself up on alot of hope. What kind of hope? The kind of hope that says makes you keep truckin' in life despite the shit that might happen. The hope that makes you think that things will turn out right. The hope that says there is someone out there for you waiting somewhere. It's the hope that tells you what you're doing is right. Everyone's the hero of their own story and it's this hope that provides the motivation and inspiration for us to keep moving through the plot.
I recently read some previous stuff I written to some people. I noticed alot in my letters I always said I hope to find a girlfriend or something like that. I had this hope too for the summer again but I should of known it would have went bust. Hope can only carry you so far and I think a few days ago that crutch of hope that I was holding on shattern from beneath me, leaving my ass to hit some hard ass ground.
I got back up, I always get back up. But it feels different this time. I always tried to shrug off this depressing stuff and just look forward to better things but I don't know anymore. I don't feel like looking forward to shit. I don't want to plan on stuff to do, I don't feel an express need to do anything new, I don't feel like hanging out with anyone, I don'f feel like much of anything.
I guess if I had too look at myself I would say I show some kind of signs of depression: Sleepin' alot more, eatin' alot less. But I feel fine. Then again, I don't know if that's saying much. I look at myself, my demeanor, and it seems to me that alot of things don't excite me one way another. It would be hard to tell if I'm really depressed, bored, or just thinking on the exterior. I guess it's what you feel on the inside that matters. I'm not feeling much of anything really. Alot of desolation. I feel like I wound myself alot, building up hopes and dreams. But instead of winding down, I just wound to far and tore myself apart.
But enough of this metaphorical metaphysics crap. Bottom line is I set myself up for alot of hurt. And that's what I did. I would like to learn something from this but this happens alot and I just feel like I go around in circles. I don't know what to do to solve it. I've tried to talk to handful of people about it but all it ends up doing is make me angry so I don't know if that's going to help.
Last Paragraph: Pardon me if the post bores you but I guess if you read this far it doesn't really matter. I like to keep my blog fresh of new ideas, revelations, and other cool things I stumble upon but lately I've been stifled alot. I haven't touched my bus story in a while, among other things. I don't know why the feeling of loneliness gets me down so much but it does. Maybe it's some issue I picked up with my family, I'm not sure. Maybe it's just something that feels worse each day because I don't know what to do about it. Maybe it's that I confuse sex and love. Maybe it's my nagging uncerties I have about myself. I don't know what it is but it bothers me loads when I think about being lonely. I think everyone has their one big thing to their personality that brings them down. This is mine. I don't know how to deal with it, I've tried to deal with it but I think I'm giving up very quickly. I don't know what else more to say than that. Hopefully, I'll find something more to inspire me in these upcoming days to break this funk I'm in but I'm just not sure of that. [+++++_____]
Wednesday, July 31, 2002
Things will get better before they will get worse. How's that phrase go? I think that's what it is. I'm not really sure as of right now. Lately I haven't been wanting to do much of anything. Apathy is high on the order of things lately. I got more bus stories but lately I haven't been feeling good enough to do any writing.
I don't really have many good stories but here go...
I've been playing alot of Go lately. After seeing the movie Pi I was inspired to get it and play the game. Unfortunately, it never came with the rule book so I for a while I hadn't been using it. But lately, I've learned the rules and have been teaching my friends how to play it. It's easy to learn, hard to master. I've enjoyed it much.
Since I'm not doing anything during the day, Tekken is a good time killer. Lately I've been adding more juggle combos to my arsenal as well as reading up on various FAQs about the game. I guess a big accomplishment lately is that I've learned how to pull off the Electric Wind God Fist(big name isn't it?) fairly consistently. For those not aware what EWGF is, here's the skinny. It's a standard Mishima Karate move in Tekken that Jin and Heihachi have. The move would look like this ( f, N, d, d/f+2) in Tekken lingo. The thing is that you can pull off the motion of the crouch dash( f,N,d,d/f) and any time after you hit d/f you can hit the right punch(2) to pull off a Wind God Fist. But in order to do a EWGF you have to press d/f and 2 at the exact same time in order to do. It's alot tougher than it sounds because you're only given 3 frames( 2 with Heihachi) to press buttons together which means you have a hit window of 1/30 of a second. If you pull the EWGF fast enough you can get in 3 consecutive hits with it but your timing has to be dead on. I can do it maybe once in a long while, but never consistantly and never in battle. If you see some that can pull of 3 EWGFs in row that's a mark of a true Tekken master.
Other than that my life is not much more than just a series of events trying to make me forget how shitty I felt lately. Remember a while back when I said I was trying to keep myself in shape to see if it had an effect on being depressed? Well, it doesn't help exactly. I still put alot of stress on body but I still feel as bad as I have any time before. Maybe worse, I don't know. Not that it has something to do with it, I just feel worse than I have previously. I feel about as worse as I did 2 years ago during the fall.
Today was probably of example of that. I didn't feel so great when I woke up. I played some Tekken to get my mind and body moving after I woke. I tried some excercise too. I ate supper than began to read some Tekken FAQs and practice some combos. I talked to Newt and Emily briefly on AIM to see if they were up for doing things. I told them both I would get a hold of them later on in day.
The day goes on, more of the same. The more I think about it, the less I feel like I'm going to end up doing stuff today. Will calls me as I'm playing Tekken. He asked at some point, "How ya doin?" "I've been better." "Have you been worse?" "Yeah" That was a little inspiring to not feel so bad and get something into action.I told him that I would stop by in a bit. I first finished my game of Tekken. Even though I did want to make something of this day I still wasn't feeling that great. I called Emily and saw how that would change the situation. She was heading to Len's and I was going ask if she was up for stuff but the more I thought about the less I felt like there was stuff to do. I left the conversation at that and told her I would see her later.
When I got to Will's it was pretty slow. We sat there and showed each other some things in Tekken for a bit. Then Will tried to call some people to mobilize things. Alot of people were working so much did happen. He did however get a hold of Evan who suggest frisbee at Waterfront Park. At this point I was pretty apathetic about anything. The more I thought about it, the less I felt like going. Will really wanted to go there so I told him I would take him. He told me that Newt was going to be there so I figured I guess I would meet up with him and saw what would happen since I probably would be just sitting there being that I didn't have any energy or caring to play frisbee.
When we did get there, I could tell I wasn't feel good at all about anything. It was about then I decided I was probably going to go home after I met up with Newt. When will I arrived to the field, we ran into Emily. She was going to Len's but a funny thing happened on the way. I'd mentioned but it's not my story and I just don't feel like repeating it. So we sat there for a bit by the field as Will ran out to meet other people in the frisbee crowd. As I sat there, I was starting to feel sick. I dunno if I'm depressed but if I am it was having a negative effect on my health. Newt and later on Steve would eventually show up. At some point I think it was Steve mentioned that I didn't look so good. I hadn't said much the whole time I was there. I told him the problem. As conversation went on, my mind easily slipped away from it. I my head was really starting to hurt and my stomach felt ill. I knew things were getting worse before they were getting better and I just didn't feel to be here anymore. I made my leave for home.
I'm not sure what the difference between sobbing and crying is. I guess crying is tears with audible yelling. In that case, I was sobbing on the way back on home. I'm not sure why, I'm pretty sure it had to do with alot of things. Most notable being lonely. There are other things that figure in but that's usually the trigger. I drove home pretty slow as it was hard to see the road sometime when there are alot of tears in your eyes.
When I got home, I sat on my bed until I fell asleep sobbing. When I woke, I went online to check my email. At some point Kirsten IMed me. Even though I didn't really feel like talking to her, but it'd been awhile since I had saw her so I did anyway. Of course the topic came around to how I was doing and in retrospect I probably should have told her I was fine because the I knew the minute I told her why I was feeling bad I would just feel worse. I was right. I really appreciated her trying to cheer me up and make me feel better but there was probably nothing that she could have said that would have made me feel better about my situation. I never know what to do in these situations anymore. I want to feel better but talking about it never helps anymore. All I hear is the same bullshit I already know: "You're a great person!" "You'll find someone!" "Things will work out in the end!" All that makes me feel mad. I don't want to the upset the person who's trying to help but that's what I feel. Thus, I never feel like talking about the situation ever helps.
I wonder if I sound really pathetic now. With my mind spiralling toward anger and depression, it's hard to take a look at yourself. I know I should feel so bad about things. Mabye things will get better but right now I don't have any reason to think so. The longer things go on the more I think I should just give up on ever trying to find someone. It's just not going to happen to me. I think the sooner I realize this the better.
People that are attracted to me, I'm never attracted to. It takes me so long to really find some I'm attracted to. I'm too picky but if I didn't feel anything toward someone and pursued it anyway, I would not only be lying to them I would be lying to myself. I can't stand that.
Even when I find someone that I feel I really care about it never works out. There are numerous reason why. I could go into the details but I don't feel like it. The bottom line is I fuck things up because I'm too conscious about what I have to do and I'm afraid being rejected. Aside from that I'm beginning to realize that I'm just not a person that's attractive to the opposite sex. I'm not interesting, I don't have much to say, I'm not funny. Why the hell would someone be attractive to me? Yes, Shawn, I know your being hard on yourself. I know that yes I am everyone of those things that you say that you aren't. But that doesn't mean shit when your not those things to someone that you really feel like you like which is always the case for me.
After thinking about all this, I think maybe it's just pointless sex that I need. That option usually turns out a no though. I either fuck it up, don't want sex from who I might have a chance with, or something else. It's all getting so tiring to me. The more I think about this the worse I feel. I could see myself I would kill him just because I've hate what I've become.
I don't feel good about anything at all and it's such a stupid thing to be this way or one dumb thing but that's how I feel. I'm really hurt and I've about exhausted all that I feel like I can do. I just don't want to care about anything anymore. I'm sick of going around in circles. I hope I find something to fix but I don't think it's going to happen.
Sorry for such a depressing post. I just don't feel like much at all... [++_______]
Saturday, July 27, 2002
I haven't been sleeping all that well lately. Not the usually 8 hours. It's usually around like 6. Supposedly when your depressed you sleep more, I guess it depends on the situation. I didn't do anything last night. I sat around and watched TV and played video games trying to get in a better mood. I don't think I talked to anyone yesterday other than Emily who stopped by to let me borrow the Trainspotting soundtrack to rip and that wasn't much talk. I talked to some people over AIM too I suppose. It didn't really help get my mind off things though.
I've been noticing the last few days I've been dreaming that my dreams have become more vivid. Enough so that I tend to been remembering alot more than I used to it. I don't want to go through all of them because most the stuff that happened isn't really worth taking the effort to write them down. But yesterday the last bit of dream I had right before I woke up kind of threw me off. I was Len's apartment. Well from what I could tell it was his apartment. Places in dreams get distorted often and since you never remember the entirity of dreams the change of scenery could happen at any time. I remember passing by Len who was placing his hands on the walls trying to start climb up them. I thought, "what the fuck?" I passed Hafsa who was complaining about James not liking her nipples. This probably wouldn't had been so weird if it wasn't for the fact that half the things she was saying just showed up as word beside her head. Not only words but also random symbols. That was pretty odd. Then I walked by Emily whose face was either scarred or my vision was rather distorted. She was either smiling or looked happy. I noticed the red hair for a brief moment then I asked her something. It was then the features of her face kind of sunk inward to where there was no face left. That was damn creepy. Even stranger it seemed like it was an ability that she could do. Like blinking your eyes or something like that. I remember it happening again and it just scared the fuck out of me. I woke up soon afterward. Maybe that was nightmare. I'm not sure, but I didn't like that at all.
When I woke up I realized that I wasn't in Len's place but rather my room sleeping. I sat there I thought a while about the random bad shit that has happened to me when I head over there to Len's. The last time I was over there was pretty fun but before that it seems like just more and more shit happens to me that make me not want to head over there again. That got me thinking about last year. It seemed like every other day Len, Mason, or someone from that group would called my house to see what was going on. Now, I rarely ever hear from them. Not that this is some kind of revelation. I knew this would happen just because we live farther apart now. But it got me thinking about things. How things changed alot just by a move of location. I try to head out there every week or so just to see what's up and it feels like I'm welcome there but I dunno. Friendship is a two lane road and it only works if both sides make attempts to head down their path.
I consider all those people to be good friends of mine but thinking about this while you're sitting alone in your bed tends to upset you. When people call you it makes you feel like you are wanted. When you think about how quickly things changed. It makes you feel like you're no longer wanted. Or worse, you feel like the only reason people called you is because you were a place to be at not a person to be with. Added to that the feeling of loneliness about never getting a girlfriend and I wanted to just not be me anymore. I don't know if I can blame them, I'm not a very interesting, funny, or exciting person to be around. If I was me,(which I think I am) I wouldn't like me either. I'm probably just being paranoid, upset, depressed or something like that but there's got to be something to what I just said. I hope I'm wrong; nothing hurts worse than when you find out what people really think of you is nothing at all what you thought that they thought of you.
Thursday, July 25, 2002 Fadin' Out I didn't sleep very well last night. Mostly because I kept having the same dream again and again. I don't know the details, the why's, where's and what's, but I do know that I was trying to show affection to someone that just hated me. I think that's one my biggest fears is loving someone and them not loving me back. There's nothing that makes me feel worse than that. You'd think I'd gotten used to it now but nope.
Today was kind of like my dream, not exactly, but enough not to make me feel anything good about it. I felt so sad today. I dwelled on how lonely I felt and how I have no one to blame but myself for it. I could go into the details, but I've already said it many times before. It just makes me feel worse when other people have no trouble finding someone and I have it so tough. Alot it does is make me hate myself and hate who I am. It's times like those where I don't like to see any mirrors because I just want to destroy what I see.
I try, I try, I try to make myself feel better and give myself confidence but it leads to nothing but disappointment. I haven't been able to find anyone this far, I might as well give up. I once thought what it would be like for all the people that I did have feelings who rejected me. If I was them, I guess I would have done the same thing. So I guess it's only fitting. I try, I try, I try...I'm sick of trying. I'm sick of trying to control things in my life. I think I'm going to let go of it all.
This will be my last entry for awhile. My last few posts lately have just been depressing me. I don't feel like I've had anything interesting to say lately so I'm going to quit for awhile. I'll come back when I feel better but that might be awhile. [++_______]
Monday, July 22, 2002 Spiraling I don't have much for cohesive thoughts and sentences today. It's more like random shit that's coming to my mind. So here it is...
173: New Survival record in Tekken Tag. I rule. My Tekken in Strong. Whatelse is New? Will mentioned that Book and Music Exchange my hold contests where people play some guys in Tekken 3 for a $1 to win $5 instore credit. That could be fun....
Max Payne is fun. I've been playing the PS2 version that Jessica let me borrow( I can't get the PC version to work in Win2K). I keep getting distracted by it...
I keep wanting to finish the bus story but so many distractions...I've written alot more...too tired to post it. I'll get to it soon....
I probably would have had it done by now but people came over when I was writing it: Brian, Newt, and Emily. Not much really went on. I felt like I should entertain them but I was a bore. Brian wanted to see me play Max Payne, I ended up boring Emily away and soon after Newt and Brian left too. I'm glad they came over, even if for bit, I was lonely...
Being lonely sucks. It's been so long since I was excited about someone of the opposite sex. I'm not even really talking about someone that I'd care to pursue a relationship. Just a chick to hang out and have fun with I guess. Maybe sex? I dunno, maybe it would make me feel better. Oh well, even if I had someone I was exciting about nothing ever happens. No matter how hard I try or want things to happen nothing every does. I'm never going to find someone. Damn girls....
Girls with bright and different color hair are awesome. Emily's hair is so cool looking, I can't get over it. I remember there was some chick I had a thing for back in high school. She had a really cool tint of hair. Her name was Amy ...something....my mind is fading on me. I can't think of her last name anymore. *sigh*
It's offical, most people find my blog by searching Google for Corporal Dan. If you don't know who or what Corporal Dan is about I would definately download the movies on the side bar. Everyone should see it....
Speaking of everyone, Everyone and their mom went the SBB site on Wednesday and Thursday. Over 4000 people in 2 days. How'd that happen is anyone's guess. I'm not sure. Hopefully, if all goes well, boxing will happen on the 12th of August. I'm don't know if that's the date for sure but that's what I think Steve and I came too. I'll have to talk to Steve one more time to make sure it's offical then I'll post it on the SBB site.
I feel like I have so much energy and I want to do so much but I somethings keeping me back. I keep getting tore up all inside me. Sorry if I'm being so vague..I'm getting sleepy and I'm about ready to go to bed. Hopefully tommorow is going to be a better day...
Thursday, July 18, 2002 Finding Inspiration Man yesterday was pretty slow and boring. I didn't do anything at all almost. I did however take the time to start the 5th day of the bus trip(I stopped before I got into the big events of that day) and learn a bit more about Go. I got a Go board a long while ago. I saw it in the movie Pi and I was inspired to learn how to play. I forgot about it for a while until Steve mentioned board games the other day. I asked him if he wanted to play it. We played a good two games at his house Tuesday night. It was pretty fun so I took the time to learn more about the game last night. I looked at stragies, terms, history, and other such things and I felt like it was pretty good use of my time.
Better than just wasting away which I have felt alot lately...
Right now I'm looking for more inspiration. Something that will make me want to make enjoy the moment I'm in and crave the next moment even that much more. Love, beauty, knowledge, self-betterment, are just a couple things I'm looking at. There are many things running through my mind right now, it's just a matter of focusing one into the energy that will make me do something. Last night I was sitting around playing Wipeout Fusion some more. If you want a more detailed description of what it is think a futuristic bobsled race with flying vehicles and weapons while Techno music plays in the background. I know there are alot of people that find racing games boring but I'm not one of them. They are certainly boring to watch, but there's a difference between playing and watching.
As I was sitting there racing along the track I realized there's some sort of Zen medetation to it. At least for me anyway, I'm sure you could be really excited by the flashing action on the track but when I play I just mellow out and focus my self on what I'm doing and where I'm going. When I play I try to focus on what I'm doing in the game and push all my other throughts and worries out of my mind. The controls are simple enough where I don't have to think to much about them so I can fine tune my actions at every corner and obstacle. I guess what I'm thinking of is trying to perfect the indivual moves and turns at every place enough to where I perfect everything. I can't really describe what makes it so appealing but it is a nice escape from life. Combine that zen art of controlling your craft with pretty visuals and nice techno music going on and I'm in heaven. About the only other game I play where I get myseld to that state is Tetris which I would argue is probably the best video game every made.
Anywho, just a couple of thoughts I leave by the wayside. 'Til Next time... [+++++++__]
Wednesday, July 17, 2002 Random Thoughts Nugget gave me props on my blogs the other day. I thought I should just put a link to his site on my sidebar. I don't really know him at all but his props was good enough for me.
My mom has gone wacko as of late. It seems like she has become paranoid about people coming in the house doing random things to the damn house. She bitches to me all the time about locking the damn sliding door. It's starting to piss me off.
Sorry for those that I thought I was sucidial the last night before that previous posting. I came into my house last Saturday night semi drunk and semi depressed. I think I got into a conversation with Ted about ways that he would do himself in. I don't remember all the details but I think I gave him the impression that I was feeling like I was going to kill myself. I guess I felt like talking about the subject of suicide because in a way my body was dying... I was choking it to death with alcohol that night. I wanted to feel a bit better about things and I definitely drank more than I should have.
I don't think I would ever kill myself; it's seems like it would be too involving. There aren't many ways that I would like to kill myself, most of them being the really violent ways like shooting myself or something like that, and the ones that I wouldn't mind doing seem like they would take to much planning, enough so much that I probably would be that desparate anymore. I don't like to do things half-assed. If I'm going to do something, I'm going to do right or not at all. That's my number one reason for not trying alot of things. Sucide for me would just be too much planning. It would never work out.
Morbid thoughts aside, I had a bit of revelation that night I was intoxicated. Most of the night seemed pretty foggy from what I remember but this what I do remember as little bulletin points in my head.
* We went to J-Boy for Peter's last night in J-ville for a while, although there was fun there I don't think I was having much fun. The biggest reason was people pointing out that I wasn't saying much. I say what I say when I have to. I don't like the feeling that I have to say something. I was feeling kind of down about being lonely and other things but I don't think I was that irritated about it. Peter did mention it and he was trying to cheer me up and I really thank him for the thought... But there's just something inside me that doesn't like people trying to cheer me up. It's silly but I think it's something I picked up at IU when I realized not everyone will always be there for you. Something happened that year that has made me determined and dead-set not to rely on others to cheer me up. The only person responsible for my happiness is myself. Anyway, that irked me more so I soon left afterwards to go home.
*When I got back I had some leftover beer in the fridge so I thought a few drinks would take my mind off things. I then started to play Tekken.
*After a few games of Tekken a couple of beers, I felt better. I decided to go to Len's. I was tired of solitary video games.. There was going to be people there maybe something would happen there.
*I got there and well I'm not sure when wrong. I had a few conversations. It was going good, it seemed like people were happy to see me and there was much to say and do. I think maybe things started to go a little bad when people decided to watch a movie. I went over the previous night to talk and chat with people only for the same thing to happen. There were a handful of people in the back but I really couldn't get a good seat out there and I could see shit. I felt like I was listening to a conversation instead of being in one.
*The events after that are gone I think. I do remember me just further and further getting into a funk about stuff, with no one to talk to I went outside for a bit. I ended up running into Nate at the doorstep of the apartment and I remember talking to him for a bit about being lonely and stuff. I felt so bad I was just sitting there sobbing for a while. I remember Jimmy, Megan, and Cassie showed up. I felt so shitty at that point I think I just kind of passed out. I do remember at some point Cassie kept handing me a pipe to smoke. I probably shouldn't have but I just smoked because it was pretty much perfunctory at Len's. I kept sobbing not really aware where I was for a while. Then I rose my head up. I noticed that Nate, Megan, Cassie, and Jimmy were gone. I sat there staring at the street. I notice that my pupils were opening and closing on their on volition from the alcohol; Things would get brighter then darker as I started on at the street. I knew this before but I hadn't really not been aware of so much as I was now. It was probably due to the fact that I had been smoking and sobering up from all the crying I was doing prior. Since I felt that they had left me, I didn't really feel any desire to go back inside of Len's. I just got into my car and took off home.
When I got back home, I was determined not to be depressed. I jumped into the pool and swam around for a bit. I was diving as I deep and as long as I could. I would let the rush of clhorine water into my nose try to excite my senses to make me feel alive, instead of this deadness I felt inside. It was then I was thinking about the pain of trying to breath in water and opening your eyes underwater. You have pain for a reason; your body is trying to alert you of the danger it feels. Likewise, I was trying to reason what, if anything, my body my doing to itself as I was being here depressed. Maybe my reason for depression was not so much my lack of what I had(girlfriend, job, etc.) but lack of what I was doing. I felt like people just being the lazy creatures that we become had gotten it all wrong. We do our activities throughout the day trying to find our next big fix, some activity or thing we do to get our enphorine rush until it gets old then we look for something else. I thought maybe my body was trying to tell my mind that it needed to be used, challenged somehow. I then jumped out of pool and just started running for a while. I ran around my neighborhood for a while. My lungs and legs started to hurt after awhile but I didn't care. I had already came to accept pain earlier while swimming underwater with my eyes open; this was no difference. When I got back I was pretty tired and went to sleep soon.
I woke up the next day, kind of depressed but not really. My body was sore but I realized that it was just because it hadn't been used much at all. I felt better about things. I felt like maybe I should try to be more physically active just to see if it really did help with me being depressed. I felt like for a while my body was out of equilibrium with it natural state. The human body should be stressed, used, worn, and broke in, not just sitting there languishing as the mind looks for next sensual pleasure to appease it. It seems that we focus alot on the mind to make us happy but we often forget out mind is tethered to our body. If the body isn't happy, the mind won't be either. One day we will evolve to the point where the body is seperate from the mind but as it is right now I think maybe the key to happiness is not just keeping your mind appeased but keeping your body appeassed as well. If this is true or not, well that's your desicion to decide but I'm think I'm going to start give it more credit than I had prior. We'll see what happens.
Aside from that I wanted to get on a big topic of drinking. It's pretty late now though, I think I'll save it for tommorow. I want to try to wake up somewhat early. I also want to get started on talking about the 5th day of the bus trip. But more later folks. Tah...
Sunday, July 14, 2002 Running on E I don't know if I'm going to finish the bus story. I'm just too tired and down right now to even think about it. I'm one to really never compromise my beliefs or fall down when I believe something, but I don't know anymore. I was playing Black and White the other day. One of the big points of the game is impressing people so that they believe in you. If you choose to take the "good" route you end up having to so many damn nice things for people before you can get them to believe in you. I found it much easier if you do evil things it's alot easier to get them to believe in you. Going back to real life, I found just as annoying and tedious to get people to like doing nice things for them. People will notice you alot more if do all kinds of shit to them. For quite a while I've been nice to every I meet. I think maybe I should do the opposite and get everyone to hate me. All people have certain alignments or things about their personalities that either work for or against other people feeling positive toward them. I think whatever I have about me just works against me getting people to like me. I think when people see me they don't feel anything nice about me at all. Maybe it's just the way I'm thinking about this whole situation but that's what I feel.
I don't know what to think about my friends anymore. I was in Jerry's last night and I just didn't feel like I was apart of things anymore. I felt as if I had nothing to provide anymore. I left there to go home and drink and play Tekken. After that lost it's fun, I decide that I would go to Len's to see more people. I kind of felt welcome, then again I didn't feel like anyone cared. I drank more. A little too much. It tends to help sometimes. I guess that's a bad thing but if it helps feeling so shitty I can't really see it as bad. It's only coming back down that it gets so bad. I've given up on alot of things but never on people. I've always tried to believe in the good nature of people but I just don't feel like it's going to pull me through this time. I think that's just another thing I should give up on. Sorry to sound so hopeless and negative but that's all I'm feeling right now. I'd like to think things will get better but I don't really have that hope anymore. I don't feel depressed but I do feel just really empty. I was crying last night but even that doesn't feel the same anymore. I know that I'm crying and I'd imagine it doesn't feel good but it just feels like I'm so numb that it really doesn't matter anyway.
I think this is the last paragraph. I've had all that I'm going to say. All the words in the world won't change my situation and won't make me feel better. The best thing to do is just leave it at that and try to feel better about things even though I don't feel like it. That's all I got...