_______ _
|__ __| | March 8, 2000
| | | |__ ___ Wednesday
| | | '_ \ / _ \
.-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____
( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \
`\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___
| | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \
| | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/
| 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___|
| ,__) __/ |
|(,_| |___/ ISSN: 1527-6163
| |
| \_, T H E S U N D A Y F U N N I E S
| |
| | M I D W E E K E D I T I O N
.' \
( , ) You're subscribed to The Funny Bone's Sunday Funnies.
'--' '-' A once or twice a week mailing of ASCII art illustrated
jokes. Sometimes a bit risque but always funny. See
the end of this message for instructions on how to unsubscribe. For
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,{{}}}}}}.
"How come you're late?" asks the {{{{{}}}}}}}.
bartender as the blonde waitress walks {{{{ {{{{{}}}}
in the door. }}}}} _ _ {{{{{
}}}} m m }}}}}
"It was awful," she explains. "I was {{{{C ^ {{{{{
walking down Elm street and there }}}}}}\ '=' /}}}}}}
was this terrible accident. A man {{{{{{{{;.___.;{{{{{{{{
was lying in the middle of the }}}}}}}}}) (}}}}}}}}}}
street. He'd been thrown from his {{{{}}}}}': :{{{{{{{{{{
car. His leg was broken, his skull {{{}}}}}} `@` {{{}}}}}}}
was fractured, and there was blood {{{{{{{{{ }}}}}}}}}
everywhere. Thank God I took that }}}}}}}} {{{{{{{{{
first-aid course and all my training {{{{{{{{ }}}}}}
came back to me in a minute." }}}}} {{{{ jgs
{{{ }}
"What did you do?" asks the bartender.
"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"
If you enjoyed this joke PLEASE recommend it to a friend.
_ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _
(_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
(_.===============================================._)
_____________
|--|"'"'"'"'"'"'"|-.______________
jgs |--|_____________|-'
The Top 10 Signs You've Joined a Cheap HMO
10. Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.
9. Directions to your doctor's office include, "take a left when
you enter the trailer park."
8. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.
7. Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
6. Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is
"an apple a day." _
( )
5. Your "primary care physician" is wearing \\
the pants you gave to Goodwill last month. .--\\------.
\:--------'/
4. "Patient responsible for 200% of out-of- \: _ /
network charges" is not a typo. )|_)\_/(
/:| \/ \ \
3. The only expense covered 100% is jgs /:. \
embalming. '-:.____..-'
2. With your last HMO, your Viagra pills didn't come in different
colors with little "M"'s on them.
And The Number 1 Sign You've Joined a Cheap HMO...
1. You ask for Viagra. You get a Popsicle stick and duct tape.
_ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _
(_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
(_.===============================================._)
, #
(\\_(^>
(_(__)`
|| Someone left the zebra's cage open by accident, and
_||___ he escaped and ran to a local farm.
-||---
_||___ He approached an old hen and asked, "What do YOU do
-||--- around here?"
||
^^^^^^^^^^ She said, "I lay eggs for the farmers breakfast."
Then he walked over to a cow and _ (.".) _
asked, "What do YOU do around here?" '-'/. .\'-'
/_ _\ _...._
She said, "I give milk for the (` o o `)---` .::'.
farmers breakfast." /"---"` .::' ' \
|: .::. / .::;|
Then he walked over a huge stallion |' ::' .:| ':||
and asked, "What do YOU do around \\ \ \ '\ /\\
here?" \`;-'| |-.-'-, \ |)
( | ( | `-uu ( |
He said, "Take off those pajamas, and || || || ||
I'll show you EXACTLY what I do around /_( /_( /_(/_( jgs
here!"
_ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _
(_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
(_.===============================================._)
o00000000o
o0/\0000/\0o
o00\c "" J/00o A circus owner runs an ad for a lion
o. 0000/ b d \000 tamer and two young people show up.
`00. 0000 _ |000 One is a good looking lad in his mid-
`00 `0000(=_Y_=)00' twenties and the other is a gorgeous
// ;0000`\7/000' blonde about the same age.
(( / `0000000'
\\ .' | The circus owner tells them, "I'm not
\\ / \ | | going to sugar coat it. This is one
\\/ ) | | ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer
jgs \ /_ | |__ so you guys better be good or you're
(___________))))))) history. Here's your equipment; chair,
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~```````~~~~ whip and a gun. Who wants to try out
first?"
The girl says,
"I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and
steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant
and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her
coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and
starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses
them and rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen
a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and
asks, "Can you top that?"
The young man replies. "No problem, just get that lion out of the
way.
_ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _
(_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
(_.===============================================._)
sSSSSSSs
SSS'\\\\SS
SSS - -'SS At the card shop: A woman was spending
SS(, a \a S a long time looking at the cards,
SSSS -' |S finally shaking her head, "No."
'SSS\ '= /S/|
'S|`-. __.' / | A clerk came over and asked, "May I
.-'| `-.__.' .-\ help you?"
/ /-. | | { _/
\_ } | | `| "I don't know," said the woman.
| | | | "Do you have any 'Sorry I laughed at
'. | | .' your genital organ' cards?"
jgs '-.| |.'
`"`
_ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _
(_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
(_.===============================================._)
A sales representative stops at a small manufacturing plant in the
Midwest. He presents a box of cigars to the manager as a gift. "No,
thanks," says the plant manager. "I tried smoking a cigar once and I
didn't like it." __________________________________
/ || /\
The sales rep shows his | (()) |:
display case and then, \__||_____________________________\/
hoping to clinch a sale,
\ offers to take the manger out for martinis.
.\"""""""""-. "No, thanks," the plant manager replies. "I
\`\-------'`/ tried alcohol once, but didn't like it."
\ \__ o . /
\/ \ o/ Then the salesman glances out the officer window
\__/. / and sees a golf course. "I suppose you play golf",
\_ _/ says the salesman. "I'd like to invite you to be
Y a guest at my club."
|
| "No, thanks," the manager says. "I played golf
jgs _.-' '-._ once, but I didn't like it."
`---------`
Just then a young man enters the office. "Let me
introduce my son, Bill," says the plant manager.
"Let me guess," the salesman replies. "An only child?"
_ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _
(_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
(_.===============================================._)
A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Las Vegas.
She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, "What rotten
luck! What in the world should I do now?"
A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests, "I
don't know... Why don't you play your age?"
He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great
commotion at the roulette table. Maybe, she won! He rushes back to
the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying
limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.
The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"
The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29.
When 36 came up, she just fainted!"
_____________________________________________________________________
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'"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""`
_ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _
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_ .-.
John Nunley - jokemaster@funnybone.com ( `. .' )
`. ` /'
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