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WARNING--
some of these jokes may not be appropriate for
individuals
under the age of 18. Please use discretion.
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_______ _
|__ __| | September 13, 1998
| | | |__ ___ Sunday
| | | '_ \ / _ \
.-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____
( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \
`\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___
| | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \
| | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/
| 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___|
| ,__) __/ |
|(,_| To properly view the |___/ ASCII art contained here,
| | use a non-proportional "typewriter" font such as
| \_, Courier, FixedSys, or Monaco.
| |
| | Why I Fired My Secretary
.' \
( , ) Two weeks ago, it was my 45th birthday, and I wasn't
'--' '-' feeling too hot when I got up that morning anyway. I
went into my breakfast knowing that my wife would be
pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday" and probably have a present for me,
but she didn't even say, "Good Morning."
_,--._
I said, "Well, that's a wife for you, .-'` '. _,
the children will remember." .-' \.-' /
.-' _ |
The children came into breakfast and .'-. -` -. \
didn't say a word. When I started to `) .' _ _ '. |
the office, I was feeling very low and / / / \ / \ \ \
despondent. | ) | | ( |
\.-' \ 0 0 / '-./
As I walked into my office, Janet said, ( ( .----. _ ) )
"Good Morning, boss... Happy Birthday." '-. / | .-'
Then I felt a little better that some- \ \_____.' / /
one remembered \ . / /
\ '----/ /
I worked until noon. About noon she \ `-` /
knocked at the door and said, "you know, \ ( /
it's such a beautiful day outside, and (`"(_)"`)
it's your birthday. Let's go out to /`"|`|"`\
lunch - just you and me." So I said, / | | \
"That's the best thing I've heard all _,;==""| |""==;,_
day. Let's go." /{ HAPPY }\
\'=._BIRTHDAY!_.='/
We went to lunch. We didn't go to the |`=._`"====="`_.=`|
place we usually went to. | `""===""` |
|`=._ _.=`|
Instead we went to a little place in _|_ _ `"""="""` _ _|_
the country, which was more private. / / / | | \ \ \
We had two martinis, and lunch was \ \ \ /"==...=="\ / / /
tremendous. We enjoyed it a lot. On `-`-;-'`"==="`'-;-`-`
the way back to the office, she said, | | |
"You know, it's such a beautiful day. / | \
Do we have to go back to the office?" \_ | _/ jgs
I said, "No, I guess not". / / \
.-()'`--.__|_.---`'()-.
She said, "let's go over to my apart- /` \X() | ()X/ `\
ment and I'll fix you another martini". | | ; | |
We went to her apartment. We enjoyed \ ___|______ / `._ ____|___ /
another martini and smoked a cigarette. `""""""""""` `""""""""`
She said, "If you don't mind, I think
I'll go into the bedroom and change into something more comfortable."
I said," OK" as I didn't mind a bit.
She went into the bedroom, and in about five minutes she came out of
the bedroom carrying a large birthday cake, followed by my wife and
children, and they were all singing "Happy Birthday."
HHHHH
And there I sat with nothing on but my socks. | |
HHHHH ___) _|
| | /\ / \
___) _| \/____\_/
/\ / \
jgs \/____\_/
_ _
(_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
(_.===============================================._)
,{{}}},
{{/ \}} Two preteen boys were wandering around after
}}}^.^{{{ hours and happened upon the redlight district in
{{\ = /}} St. Louis. They noticed some unusual activity
}}})-({{{ going on and hid in the bushes watching one par-
/{{ \_/ ((\ ticular "red" house. A customer walked up to the
/ ( ) \ house, knocked on the door and stepped back a few
/ /`\- -/`\ \ feet looking up to the second level window. The
\ \ )%O%( / / Madam came to the window, leaned out and said
`\\/ \//` "What do you want"?
(/ \)
| | The man said you know what I want."
| |
| | The Madam said "How much money do you have?
/ / / \ \ \
| | | | The customer said "One hundred Dollars"
jgs |/ \|
/ \ / \ The front door opened and a beautiful girl (over
`-' '-` 18 years old) let the customer in. The boys
looked at each other in wonderment just as anoth-
er customer walked up and repeated the routine of announcing "You know
what I want" but this time proclaimed he had fifty dollars. The cust-
omer was let in by yet another beautiful girl but somewhat older than
18.
The boys decided they had to find out what went on behind closed doors
so they went up to the house and knocked on the door, then stepped back
a few feet looking up. The Madam came to the window and said what do
you boys want?
The boys replied in unison "You know what we want"
The Madam said how much money do you have?
The young boys proclaimed they had one dollar. Soon the front door
opened and an old wrinkled witch of a woman with a generous body long
since gone to pot let them in. She took their dollar, heisted her gown
up to her waist and rubbed each of their faces in her old wrinkled twat
for about 10 seconds.
As the boys were leaving the "red" house they were spitting and hocking
and spitting over again while they wiped their faces on their T-shirts.
One of the boys said "It's a good thing we only had one dollar, I
couldn't have taken any more of that!!!
_ _
(_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
(_.===============================================._)
A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right
away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other."
He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go
along." So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honey-
moon to a very nice resort. So one morning they were lying by the
pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board
and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this followed by a three rota-
tions in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the
water like a knife.
\0/ After a few more demonstrations, he
|_ came back and laid down on the towel.
|/ She said, "That was incredible!"
.-------. |
|_______|____________ He said, "I used to be an
/====0=[] Olympic diving champion.
__/______/__\____ You see, I told you we'd
jgs `\~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^ learn more about ourselves
as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool,
and started doing laps.
.-"""-.
/ \
;_.-"""-._;
.,_ __,.---.-(=(o)-(o)=)-.---.,__ _,.
'._'--"``` \ ^ / ```"--'_.'
``"''~---~~%^%^.%.`._0_.'%,^%^%^~~---~''"``
jgs ~^~- `^-% ^~.%~%.^~-%-~.%-^.% ~`% ~-`%^`-~^~
~^- ~^- `~.^- %`~.%~-'%~^- %~^- ~^
After about thirty laps she climbed back out and laid down on her towel
hardly out of breath. He said, "That was incredible! Were you an
Olympic endurance swimmer?"
"No," she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of
the canal...
_ _
(_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
(_.===============================================._)
A honeymooning couple whose luggage has been lost are frantic that the
other will learn about the horrible secret they've been hiding from
each other.
The young man dashes into the bathroom of their
[IIIII] honeymoon suite. He looks frantically for some-
[IIIII]=| thing to hide his terrible foot odor. The best
|=====|=| he can do is wash his feet and hide his socks in
|=====| | the trash, and he rushes back to bed.
| | | ___________
| | | His bride rushes into the .;---------./|
| | ; bathroom equally frantic, // S O A P // |
| ; \ rinses out her mouth with |'---------'| /
|`'. \ \ soap and water and prays | | /
\ ; \ \ her new husband won't '-----------'` jgs
\' \.'| notice she has the worlds
\ .'|_/ worst breath.
jgs '._:_/
At the same time they each say "Sweetheart, I have a
secret...." The bride blushes and her new husband says "That's okay
honey, I already know what you were going to tell me."
"You do?"
|||||||______________________
"Sure... you ate my socks!" (____________________________)
_ _
(_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
(_.===============================================._)
Sock Eating Syndrome... A Rare Medical Condition!
.
/':. Source: Medical Tribune
/ ':. News Service
/ /
/\ / . Reprinted From
/ | / /':. http://www.jagat.com/joel/bull.html
\_/ |/ ':.
\ \ /
\ /| / SEATTLE - A 22-year-old woman was diagnosed with
'._|/; / a rare medical condition, in which she craved
\ _/ | consumption of socks. She was earthbound half a
\ \ sock each evening. She also told doctors that
jgs \ /| as a teenager she chewed on and swallowed cloth-
'._|/ ing. She was hospitalized after suffering from
nausea and vomiting. The doctors found a large
bezoar in her stomach. She was diagnosed with a rare condition known
as pica, in which a person craves non-food items.
Previous to this incident, doctors have reported cases of people eating
dirt, hair, chalk, clay, glue and other non-food items. This is the
first case of sock eating "Often, when people have a craving it is be-
cause they are lacking something in their diet," said Atif Awad, an
associate professor of nutrition at the University of Buffalo. "If you
don't give salt to cows, they start to lick thier balls," he added.
_ (.".) _
'-'/. .\'-' Visit...
/_ _\ _...._
(` o o `)---` .::'. http://www.jagat.com/joel/bull.html
jgs /"---"` .::' ' \
|: .::. / .::;| for more sock related stories.
|' ::' .:| ':||
\\ \ \ '\ /\\
\`;-'| |-.-'-, \ |)
( | ( | `-uu ( |
|| || || ||
/_( /_( /_(/_(
_ _
(_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
(_.===============================================._)
_ .-.
John Nunley <jokemaster@funnybone.com> ( `. .' )
`. ` /'
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/ '.
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