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WARNING--
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under the age of 18. Please use discretion.
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_______ _
|__ __| | September 12, 1999
| | | |__ ___ Sunday
| | | '_ \ / _ \
.-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____
( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \
`\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___
| | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \
| | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/
| 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___|
| ,__) __/ |
|(,_| |___/
| |
| \_,
| | T H E S U N D A Y F U N N I E S
| |
.' \
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BIOLOGY OF SNACK CAKES
----------------------
by Eric Kollenberg .-"-.
/::. |
I. INTRODUCTION /::. /
;-""-. /
As you probably know (unless you're incredibly / '`) |/
stupid), life on this planet (Earth) is divided | '-' /
into three basic groups - plants, animals, and jgs '---'
snack cakes. Although volumes of boring mater-
ial have been written about the former two subjects, there is a
notable lack of reference material covering the latter. So I made
some up.
II. EVOLUTION AND CLASSIFICATION
Snack cakes developed over two-and-a-half zillion years ago (and if
you look on the shelves of some 24-hour convenience stores, you can
find samples nearly that old), when the seas were full of Campbell's
primordial soup. This prehistoric mixture of propylene glycol,
potassium benzoate, butylhydroxytoluene, sodium citrate, primitive
emulsifiers, and other "building blocks of snack cake" spawned the
first one-celled crumbs. Eventually, these crumbs began to colonize
around central specialized cells called endofill (known to the
layperson as "creme filling"). The colonies developed into types:
spongospores and diablospores (devil's food cake). An example of the
former is the common Twinkie (_Hostus* hostilus_), the latter is
typified by the primitive "Suzy Q" (_Hostus satanis_). In a bid for
survival, some varieties, such as the _Hostus hostum_ (Ho-Ho) and the
_Hostus zippum_ (Ding-Dong) evolved protective inedible outer shells,
or exofrostings.
There are many gaps in the scheme, such
.-------. as the common crumb cake, which some have
{._._._._.} suggested has an extraterrestrial origin,
jgs __{._._._._.}__ and the mythical "Little Debbie." However,
`~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~` these topics are outside the scope of this
paper, which is another way of saying that
III. BIOCHEMISTRY I'm getting tired of typing.
What complex interaction of RNA, DNA and enzymes is responsible for
the behavior of these species? What are the chemical reactions
occurring within the cell tissue? Do I look like a chemist? How the
hell should I know?
IV. FEEDING
The Suzy-Q is a typical example of mimicry in the natural world.
Resembling a food item, it lies in wait in its natural habitat, the
grocery store shelf. Then it dives down the throat of the
unsuspecting victim, gagging it. The Suzy-Q now turns itself inside
out like a feeding starfish, and digests the victim with its potent
creme filling.
V. REPRODUCTION
"Oh, boy," you're thinking. Well, you sickening little pervert, you
don't think I'm going to pander to your prurient curiosity, do you?
Actually, I'd be glad to (especially for money), but the breeding
habits of snack cakes have never been observed. This is something of
a mystery, since more specimens are always being sighted under car
seats, behind refrigerators, and behind the legs of vending machines.
Speculation about the reproductive habits of the common Twinkie
have... Naahh, that's too disgusting to even think about.
VI. SOURCES
1. Daniken, Erich von, _Snack Cakes of the Ancient Alien Flying
Saucer Pyramid Gods_ 1969.
2. Ibid, William, _Growing Up in the Ibid Family: An Autobiography_
1947.
3. Writer, Staff, "Woman Possessed by Aliens, Unfaithful Hubby
Kills and Eats Her" 1 Mar 1986 _National Devourer_.
4. Writer, Staff, "New Chocolate and Beer Diet Cures Cancer,
Improves Sex Life, Lose 400 lbs, Wash Behind Your Ears"
1 Jan 1985 _Midnite Globule_.
* Hostess is a registered trademark of the Hostess Artificial Food
Substitute Division of I.T.T., an exporter of international
corruption. It is used without permission, for which hordes of oily
lawyers will probably descend on me and cut out my lungs with a
hacksaw.
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|
\ _ /
-= (_) =-
.\/. / \
.\\//o\\ ,\/. | ,~
//o\\|,\/. ,.,., ,\/. ,\//o\\ |\
| |//o\ /###/#\ //o\ /o\\| /| \
^^|^^|^~|^^^|' '|:|^^^|^^^^^|^^|^^^""""""""("~~~~~~~~/_|__\~~~~~~~~~~
.|'' . | '''""'"''. |`===`|'' '"" "" " (" ~~~~ ~ ~======~~ ~~
jgs^^ ^^^ ^ ^^^ ^^^^ ^^^ ^^ ^^ "" """( " ~~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~ ~
NEVER WORRY ABOUT MONEY AGAIN! WIN A FREE VACATION!
This really works and is almost legal!
Hello, my name is Dave Rhodes. Two years ago I was broke, my car was
repossessed, you've heard my story hundreds of times.... Then I
instigated a chain letter to become rich off of stupid people! I
lost my last 10 bucks to it, but within only weeks two uniformed
chauffeurs showed up to whisk me away on my dream vacation: an all-
expenses paid trip to a huge 500 room resort including food, aerobics
programs, library and laundry benefits!! Now I don't worry about
money at all because even tips are covered! Membership has its
privileges.
At first I thought that the handcuffs required by the chauffeurs were
pretty kinky, but when they started telling me about the rules, I
became too excited about my chances of winning the dream vacation to
object. The qualification procedures were grueling, but well worth
the effort. I spent several days meeting with an application
committee of my peers and introducing my acquaintances to them before
I was awarded the grand prize. I became famous - an instant
celebrity. After another kinky trip with security appropriate to my
fame, I was provided with free leisure attire, introduced to the
resort doormen who keep out the riff-raff, and directed to a single
room prepared especially for me. I met some of the other guests, who
assigned me my own "handle": Dipstick Dave. The rooms are private,
so I have a lot of personal time ("solitary," they call it; I love
the colorful terminology). I've been using my free time to send Wish-
You-Were-Here chain-postcards to all my relatives, but I think most
of them are too jealous to visit or write. Except my mother-in-law;
she visited once, didn't say anything, but seemed awfully happy to
see me here.
Guess what? There are two openings at the end my row. Occasionally,
the current guest in Suite A (Suite A gets the best food) leaves and
we're all shifted up the row. Well, that leaves an opening, for
which YOU MIGHT QUALIFY!!! No purchase necessary. Void where
prohibited. Certain restrictions apply. Employees and relatives are
eligible. You must be at least 18 years of age and as DUMB AS A
POST. All you have to do is add your name to a chain letter and
sucker in a few other posts. It's really easy. You'll lose money on
the chain letter, of course, but think of it as an application fee.
Send me a copy and I'll pass it along to the doormen. You may
already have won!! You can't win if you don't enter the game.
That's what I used to think. Send away today! No-risk! Guaranteed!
This is an equal-opportunity scam. Winners list available. While
quantities last. Allow 4-6 weeks.
|
\ ' /
__ __ .-.
_\ \/ /_ __ -=== ( ) ===-
/__oOoo__\/ /__ '-'
/_/\__\oOo__/ / . \
|| /_/\__\ |
|| ||
~^~~||~^~||^~^^~^~^=^=^~=~=~^=^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^
~^ ~|| ~~|| ~^~ ~^= =~^=~^~^= ~^~^~ ~^~^ ~^~
^~ || ^ ||~^ ~^~ ~^==~^==~^~ = ~^=~ ~^ ~^~
.'. ||.'.||.' ..'..''.'.'. '.'..'.' .'''..''.'
jgs || || ''. O ~O/ '' ''
|| /|\/| ' . ' . '
. ' . /| |\ . . '
. / | / | . .
' ' ` ` ` ` ' '
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(_.===============================================._)
\\\\\\,
_/'' \\\
A husband and wife were shopping in Neiman \ D
Marcus in Dallas. Excusing himself to go to \_ /
the "Men's Room," the husband asked direc- <\ />,_
tions from the floor walker. / \Y/ /` \
|| # | |
"Proceed through the hand carved arch to your || # | |
left," explained the suave gentleman in the || # | |
striped trousers, "and ascend to the second ||=[]=| |
level, wind your way through the Gallery of || |__|
Italian Art, thence through the Peacock Court //| | /||\
of the Royal Persian Rugs, Draperies, and | | |
Antiques, and just beyond that you will find | | |
the accommodations you seek." ( ( |
| | |
He was gone for what his wife considered [_[___]
an exceptionally long time and on his jgs (_(____|
return she demanded to know where he had
been and why he had taken so long.
"I have been to the "Men's Room," he explained. "I proceeded through
the hand carved arch on the left, ascended to the second level,
wound my way through the Gallery of Italian Art, thence through the
Peacock court of the Persian Rugs, Draperies and Antiques, to the
exquisite and luxurious accommodations of the Men's Room. When I
took it out, it looked so shabby, so wrinkled and so unimportant that
I put it back in and took it down the street to the Texaco Service
Station.
_ _
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(_.===============================================._)
A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn't been
feeling well and wants to find out if he's ill. After the checkup,
the doctor comes out with the results of the examination.
"I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you don't have
much time," the doctor says.
.--.
"Oh no, that's terrible! How long have .-._;.--.;_.-.
I got?" the man asks. (_.'_..--.._'._)
/.' . 60 . '.\
"10.." says the doctor. // . / . \\
|; . / . |;
"10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!" ||45 () 15||
he asks desperately. |; . . |;
\\ . . //
"10...9...8...7..." \'._' 30 '_.'/
jgs '-._'--'_.-'
`""`
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The Uses of Yoga
.
A young woman who was worried about her L\ .-""-.
habit of biting her fingernails down to |\_ / (--> \
the quick was advised by a friend to \ \'--.)_>_=/_(
take up yoga. \ )`-._/|_,( _.
|_\ (_ ( \ /.-
She did, and soon her fingernails .' `\ ) \_/\ \.'/
were growing normally. _.','\ _/\ ( '._/
/_/` \ /
Her friend asked her if yoga had jgs '-..-'
totally cured her nervousness.
"No," she replied, "but now I can reach my toenails so I bite them
instead."
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(_.===============================================._)
_ .-.
John Nunley - jokemaster@funnybone.com ( `. .' )
`. ` /'
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ASCII Art by Joan Stark | |
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/ '.
Copyright (c) 1999 The Funny Bone - All Rights Reserved. ( , )
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