I Can and Have Been Bought
by Penn Jillette

Penn & Teller were offered some burger commercial for a lot of money. A lot of money. The kind of money that could start you wondering whether the Cray or the Connection would be a better machine for the home. But we said no. We said we were too cool. They sweetened the pot, we told them it wasn't a question of money. We were concerned with integrity. It's very nice to be sitting in a restaurant with an attractive human being and have a stranger walk up and say, "Excuse me, Mr Jillette, I don't mean to bother you while you're eating but that last thing on Letterman was great. Wow, Dave must really hate you." That makes me feel good and it's sure to impress the person across the table. But imagine I'm sitting at the same place with the same dinner companion and someone comes up and says with a fry-chomping grin, "Hey, you're that burger guy." What's my dating strategy after that? "Never mind him, let's go back to my place. I'll show you my Cray. It's great, it's fast enough to run Sidekick Plus." "PC Computing" pays me to write this back page and they pay me well. But I don't do it for the money. I have a day job that pays the bills. And I don't do it for the restaurant recognition, "Aren't you the guy who ruins that otherwise very informative magazine with violent empty-headed ramblings containing all together too many references to Uma Thurman?" I took the gig for the perks. I haven't landed any techno-babes yet but there are other things hanging on the up-side. Computer magazines get the toys first. And the writers get to play with them. It started with me getting little things, I got the "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" game free. I liked that, but I could have walked away. I can't be bought with a few fast tugs on my joystick. But then my laptop got a little lame and I mentioned this to my editor (we have an email relationship - she tries to get me to write and I try to get her not to edit). A little while later they delivered the Grid 1450SX that I've been using for the past 4 months of the tour. I write all the P&T stuff on it and I jack into the net on it. This morning I got my email and on my bright friendly screen were words of betrayal, the words I've been dreading. Grid wanted their machine back. I guess they couldn't figure what good it was doing them for me to have their machine; I didn't review it, I didn't talk about it and I didn't pay for it. Okay, maybe some of these points are valid, I respect their point of view, but I'm not happy about it. So, Grid has cracked me. "Uncle!" I'll put on the Hollywood sandals. Please don't take away my machine, Mr or Ms Grid, I'm begging you. What do you want out of me? I'll say whatever you want. "Grid makes the best computers in the world." "I'm Penn Jillette and nothing comes between me and my Grid." "Grid, all fresh and all natural." "I have seen the future of rock and roll and it's name is Grid 1450SX." "Grid: in independent studies the best laptop computer ever made." "Grid: in independent studies the best computer ever made." "Grid: in independent studies the best thing ever made." "Grid: in independent studies the best thing." "If you don't have Grid computers you should die." "If you don't have Grid computers you will die." "Grid - Home of the Whopper." "Yup, I am that burger guy."